I Thought I Knew

The room's a bit stuffy, so I open the window, the only source of light in the study. I've been sleeping on and off most of the day, trying to figure what to do with my last school-age summer. Sleeping has been the best option, but it's not as if I really have any choice in the matter. My legs ache like hell and I'm putting far too much strain on the house elves at mealtimes- and in between mealtimes. And if my mother checks in at midnight one more time to see if I'm asleep, I'm likely to transfigure her into a Quaffle and practice a bit. She's more nervous than I am about my making Head Boy. Prefect is one thing, and sure I wouldn't mind the badge, but I really don't need to deal with being Head Boy. It's enough to keep after Sirius, stop him from mouthing off and trying to kill people, let alone look after the entire school.

Stupid sod. We're talking again, but it's still bloody awkward. I don't know, really we've just known each other for so long that we can't be apart. People would still group us together, use our names interchangeably, assume the famous Potter-Black brethren can suffer no ills.

The couch looks inviting. Just a quick nap. I lay down and I'm about to fall asleep when I hear the roar of the Floo.

"Mum, Floo!" I turn away from the noise.

"James, get off your lazy arse. You're right there."

Fuck. Why's Sirius calling?

"James?"

"Yeah, um...what're you doing?"

"Trying to engage my friend in a conversation, but that doesn't seem to be going so well."

"What conversation are we having?" Would he go away?

"The one where I invite you over to help me work on the bike."

"Oh...well, I'm sort of busy."

"Shut up. You were sleeping. You don't have to come, but just say it then."

I think I'm getting a headache. But Floo-Sirius, green-tinged in the fireplace, looks quite concerned even though I can tell he's trying to play it off. "Let me check with my mum." Floo-Sirius's head bobs in the hearth. When I've told Mum I'm leaving, I return, hoping Sirius decided against company and the room will be dark again. No such luck.

"Clear out of there, would you? Don't mean to Floo in on your face."

He disappears.

I grab a handful of the glittering powder from the nearby jar. "16 South Street!"

I fall out of the fireplace covered in enough soot to make the muggy day feel even worse.

"Hullo, James. Jesus, but it's hot." He takes a swig of pumpkin juice. "Woman's cooking Muggle-style or something. Why? That escapes me."

While he's explaining I've downed about half of the juice.

"Oi!" He protests. "I just filled that...anyway," he says, heading towards the back porch. "None of the girls are much of a help, and Mum's all suspicious about me 'forgetting' the underage magic decree."

"Why ever would she think that?"

He grins, taking out his wand and twirling it around. "I'm sure they have better things to do than Apparate here just because of a bike."

"Just what would you need to magick the bike for?"

"Honestly James, you go completely daft since last I saw you?

I raise my eyebrows.

"That would be irresponsible of me. Well, actually, I was considering one that would, er, help me avoid traffic."

I laugh in spite of myself. He's still Sirius. He won't ever stop being Sirius, and that's what keeps us friends. You don't walk out on your brother. I never had a brother; I'm not going to lose this one. Still, he's off. He would usually want to tell me everything, jumping around like some puppy, not giving a damn about what people thought for that moment.

"Why the rush?"

He sighs. "I'm going to Dad's flat in a few weeks, and I can't Floo from there, so it's traditional Muggle transportation for me." He pats the bike proudly, and I can tell how much work he's put into it. The chrome shines now, where it was rusted the last time I saw it. I expect he's risked a few glamours, but really it looks great. Cor, he's grinning at that thing like he gave birth to it.

"Where do you plan on going?" I ask, more because I'm expected to than being curious.

"I thought I might stop...over at your house." A pause. I mean, if that's okay." Wow. I really hadn't thought he'd take the question like that.

"No, that's fine. Just wondering. Thought you might want to spend time with your father, that's all."

He laughs. "A bachelor summer. James, if he goes out more than me you have to save me." He stops for a minute. "Not that I'm really expecting to go out, you know, pick people up. I'm not some easy lay, James!"

Where did that come from?

"Yeah, Padfoot, never said you were." I squelch the urge to flinch, hadn't meant to use that name.

"Doesn't matter. Would you pass me the wrench, since you're just enjoying yourself up on the chair?"

I consider beating him over the head with it, but decide against that. He's in some sort of mood, it's better to just sit back and hold on.'

I don't know. I need his friendship back. The last two months have been so strange. I don't tell him this often, but I love him. Not the way he loved (loves?) Remus, but he's my brother. We fight like brothers, laugh like brothers, and we just understand each other. That's half the genius of our pranks. We don't have to talk to carry them out. Honestly, I think we can crack up just by looking at each other funny. We just understand.

Then he...he told Snape about the Willow. I didn't know what was going to happen for a few weeks there. I could see our group falling apart and it was so tense. Really, they're all like my brothers and this...it was like the world crashed in. We're teenagers; we're allowed to be dramatic, but it was this one event that threatened to destroy everything. It might not have been so bad if it wasn't for Sirius and Remus being, well, Sirius and Remus.

I suppose I first noticed things in fifth year. Not really noticed, but looking back it made sense. All fifth year they tormented each other. Probably one of the main things was that they were always pointing out other girls to each other. 'Look, Remus, wonder what's under her robes?' 'Hey, Sirius, see Leslie? I can tell you want to kiss her."

After awhile I could see that Remus's heart wasn't in it. Both of them looked rather drained, setting up study dates for the other like they had some sick obligation. That summer Sirius and I spent a weekend in Muggle London with his older cousin who's in uni. It took hours of convincing our parents, even days on end, but it was worth it. It took more work for my parents, but later we found out Sirius's parents' marriage was on the rocks and they wanted to be alone to talk things out. Maybe we should have stayed away longer. We told everyone we were cousins working in London to earn tuition. But walking around the city I'd point out the legs on some bird across the street and he'd look, but also at the bloke whose arm she was on. I didn't think anything of it, just that he was comparing himself to him, some competition.

The two of them got on best once we'd achieved the Animagus transformation. Sirius matched Remus and they could play the same way. They play fought a lot, but I had to be careful with my antlers. How were we going to explain me putting one of their eyes out? Peter was always a bit scared, preferred to cling to my back when Moony went a bit...loony. As Wormtail he was just a snack for Moony, and we weren't ever really sure how well he could recognize us with the influence of the moon telling him to go for blood.

Just after the first month of sixth year, Sirius got an owl from his mum. His parents were splitting up and Sirius's Dad was moving away. He was crushed; he really thought they could work their problems out and stay together. He went up in his room and wouldn't come out all night. The next morning he came down, acting as if nothing had happened.

He wouldn't talk to me. I didn't think it was healthy to do that, and I pushed it too far. He threw something and yelled at me, so I backed off. Rolling with the figurative punches, which would have turned literal if I'd said anything else.

A few days later neither Sirius nor Remus came to dinner. I talked to Remus later, and he said Sirius had taken him aside and asked him just to listen. Sirius had talked for a long time about school and Quidditch, then about his sisters. From there he had moved on to his parents, and gave Remus the impression that he blamed himself for the divorce. Sirius was really upset by then. Probably on the verge of tears, and you know the situation's bad if one of us sees another crying. We don't cry. We're not bloody women, but sometimes...fucking adolescence. They act like they're the only ones with problems. Right. Sirius must have really trusted Remus to let him see that, and I felt weird. I'm his best friend, everyone knows that...but I think they got as close as Sirius and I are by the end of fifth year.

Sirius took me aside a few weeks later and told me he was dealing better with the divorce and left it at that. He tried to make a few jokes, but they weren't at all typical Sirius jokes. They weren't funny, weren't even so awful you had to groan and laugh. Then he started telling me a hypothetical story about a hypothetical friend who liked yet another hypothetical person. After five minutes I was really confused and Sirius couldn't manage coherent sentences.

'James,' he had said. 'We're brothers.'

'Yeah,' I had replied. 'Through thick and thin.'

'You...you can't hate me James. I couldn't deal with it. If you think I'm a freak I don't want to know. Just don't tell anyone, okay?'

He really had no idea where he was going with that. 'Anything, Sirius.'

'Okay. I like girls.'

'I know.'

'I also like boys.'

'Oh...okay.'

'James you can't hate me, you can't-you can't-you can't. Okay, you can, but please don't. I mean, I might not even know, and I'm sixteen, so you know, that can change, I'm sorry-'

Wow. He was talking really fast. 'It's...whatever makes you happy, Sirius...er, wow...did- do you have someone in mind?'

He had stopped picking at his fingernails and grabbed a scrap of parchment, fiddling with it and tearing it into tiny pieces. 'Yeah, that's the problem.'

'How so?'

'What would you say if I told you I liked Peter?'

'Peter....' Peter? 'He has a girlfriend.'

'But what would you think?'

'Hey, if you're attracted to Peter...whoa...er, that's great, mate.'

'Okay. But I don't like him. No, not Peter.' He cracked his knuckles. Then his neck, and was sitting down and working on his toes. I winced, but he didn't notice. 'IlikeRemus.'

'What?' Why was my hearing going funny?

'I like him...Remus...in a different way than I like you and Peter.'

'Oh.'

'Did you see it? Am I really obvious?'

'No...fuck, you like Remus?'

'Yes, I just said that. Try to keep up.'

'Shove off.'

He turned bright red. Wasn't expecting that.

'What?'

'Nothing...do you think he knows?'

'Remus? I didn't, why would he?'

'You have to find out James. Please. I can't do it.'

'What am I going to say, Sirius? "Oi, Remus, do you happen to fancy blokes? If so, are you attracted to tall dark Animagi who answer to Sirius, Padfoot, and wanker?"'

'Shut up! If you're not going to help me....'

Shite. He likes boys. He likes Remus? I should have seen all of this coming. He likes boys?

'Okay, okay. I'll just bring it up or something.'

So I did. About a week later we were in the library. Peter went off with his girlfriend, though it was more like I sent him off, and I told Sirius he needed to go check up on them for me.

'If they wind up horizontal on the table over there I'm blaming you,' I had said.

Sirius froze. I guess he had realized what I was going to do.

'Seconds ticking away, mate.' I kicked him. He kicked back, and I kicked again. Great. Remus was going to think we were flirting. That wasn't what I was going for. Finally he left, and it was just Remus and I.

'What's with him?'

'Remus, my friend, I ask myself that everyday.'

He had laughed nervously.

'Can I ask you something? You won't find it really weird?' He had said this without any eye contact.

'I've heard enough weird things that it probably won't faze me.'

He went on to tell me, very frankly, that he doesn't like girls. A little bit later he alluded to the idea that he might be attracted to Sirius. At that point it just seemed too easy, that they were setting me up, but I looked at his eyes, and he wasn't joking. He told me it was something he'd been planning to say for some time and couldn't bring himself to do it. He'd apologized for putting me in that situation, that he hadn't intended me to find out like that, but it had seemed right. Later, Peter picked up on it and started talking to the two of them the way they had spoken to each other fifth year, only a little less intense. I doubt I've ever seen either of them turn so red. I berated Peter for encouraging it, but it turned playful on my part after awhile and I figured it just had to run its course. For a few months they were a couple, but never in public. Remus didn't want anyone else to know and Sirius respected that.

Then...he told me they were ready. It was March, and I nearly died right there. The kissing was one thing, but we're brothers, and people don't usually tongue their brothers. That was interesting to walk in on. Interesting in the sense that I wanted to go blind. When you have a group of friends to have two of them start sleeping together wasn't anything I expected. I was so worried. I knew if things ended badly it would destroy us.

'Why are you so convinced we can't make it work? I love him and he loves me. What, are you jealous? Just be happy for us. We're in love and we'll do what we want. I had hoped you would be supportive, but I guess that's what I get for hoping.'

He had stormed off, and not too long afterwards I figured it had happened. But still he smiled. He grinned so wide it really looked painful. They looked so happy. Remus acted fairly normal around me, but I didn't know how to act. Your best friend and another really close friend take up with each other and they share your dormitory? Awkward didn't describe it for me. Jealousy...yeah, there was a bit of that. It's not like I wanted to shag Sirius, but I was used to spending more time with him. For awhile every time I looked at one of them all I could think was "Sirius...Remus...fuck."

The Willow incident brought me and Remus together again, much as it tore us collectively apart. It was really difficult for them, knowing that going into it a breakup might mean a fallout for the group at large. I don't know that either could regret their relationship though, because they truly had been happy.

I've never seen Remus so angry. Naturally he's a very controlled person, but that...I was scared. Now, I don't like to admit when I'm scared, but Remus was growling and baring his teeth, looking like he was falling out of control and didn't really mind doing so. Hell, I was furious, so of course he was. Remus would only allow Peter and me to talk to him, but Sirius kept pushing things. Sirius and I got in a huge row about it, with me telling Sirius to back off.

I don't even know how comfortable Remus was with me and Peter for awhile. Not that I could blame him. He was scared one of us would lose it and tell like Sirius did. It tore them apart.

Sirius's sitting right in front of me now and still looks terrible. I don't think he understood the consequences of it. Sure, he's brilliant, everyone knows that, but when you make him angry, threaten his friends, he sort of loses it. He could never get it out completely, but I guess Snape said something, heard something, made a comment about Remus. Something about Remus. It blinded Sirius, like he couldn't think straight for a bit. I'm not really sure if he differentiates between Remus and the wolf. Sirius doesn't think of him like that, which I suppose is 'sweet' or something, but Remus never forgets that. Oh, it doesn't haunt him at all hours and cause him to mope, but he's just come to terms with it. To Sirius the full moon is a chance to run around, be a puppy, play with his friends. He was the one who that figured out about the lycanthropy, he was the first of us to complete the transformation.

It's depressing. I want everything back to normal, back to fifth year, before relationships started and we started falling apart. I don't think it can ever be the same.

"James," he says. How long have I been sitting here? "I invited you over to help me, come on, finish conditioning the leather. I need to tighten a few things."

I wonder where else he's going to go on this thing. I don't know if Remus is ready, but they need to talk. Some part of me believes when we go back September 1^st we'll be best mates again and we can pretend nothing's happened. We're growing up, though. I don't know how much longer we can pretend anymore.