The Sorting Hat Crusades

The oblivious Professor Buxton was once again their Potions teacher. Lily was disappointed to see this because, while the awkward fellow was a great instructor, he didn't do a thing about all the ruckus House rivalry caused. He just sputtered out endless theories, which everyone somehow managed to execute just fine during laboratories.

The first week, that year, he did something he never did before. "Now, I know how much you all have a tendency to pair off into your little groups, but Dumbledore insisted this year that I try to be more strict," he said. "So when you pair up to create the Differtus potion, please choose someone outside of your own house."

The students all had varied reaction to this. Some gaped, others had their eyes twitch, and many just stared at him in disbelief. "Well then, go on!" he said, willing them to choose their partners.

James' hand shot up in the air, and he began talking without waiting for Buxton to allow him. "With all do respect, Professor, there is no way you'll get any of us to do this."

"Will I have to pair you all off myself?" he asked the class in general. When no one answered, he sighed. "All right then, you're putting this on yourselves you know."

They reluctantly repositioned themselves as Buxton randomly called out names. "Snape, Lupin. Black," he pointed to Sirius, "and Goyle. Potter, Lestrange." He went on until the tension in the room was completely laced with hate. Lily carefully took a seat next to her assigned partner, Narcissa, wary of what she might really be like. "Now that we're all arranged, just make sure to follow your notes, and you'll be fine. Did everyone skip breakfast as instructed?"

The class nodded. The Differtus potion was supposed to fill an empty stomach, as if a whole meal had been eaten. Narcissa, leaning back in here chair, raised a perfect eyebrow as she looked at Lily.

Lily sat in a flawless posture, placing her notes down in front of her. She looked over to Narcissa and saw that she was being appraised. Her stomach flipped. You would think she'd have plenty of time to do that sitting behind her all those years.

"You take plenty of notes, Lily," said Narcissa, coolly. Lily didn't expect to be called by her name. She expected something more along the lines of Evans, red, or Mudblood. Then again, Narcissa was didn't seem like the predictable type. She stopped slouching and rolled up her big black sleeves. "You read, I follow."

The boys were having a much harder time getting along. Snape stopped Remus every second of the way, saying that every step he took was completely and utterly wrong. James had a difficult time sweet-talking Goyle, while Sirius and Rodolphus Lestrange skipped trying and went straight to biting each other's heads off. Peter seemed to get along with the other Lestrange, though.

The wasn't any conversation between the notes Lily read out loud. Narcissa found that her voice was rather nice, rich and easy on the ears. She expected something mousy, but she didn't know why. She also didn't know why she assumed that muggle-borns would naturally be uglier than pure-bloods, and up close found that the assumption was completely wrong. "Then crush two dead cockroaches into fine powders, and set aside," Lily read.

Narcissa scrunched up her nose and muttered, "Why is it that the ingredients in the potion that satiates us are happen to be inedible?" Lily raised the corner of her mouth in amusement, but kept her eye on the parchment.

"No, you idiot! We use the bowl to crush the roaches!" Snape yelled at Remus.

"I'm trying! It's just not that easy with you yelling at me all the time."

"Boo hoo, Lupin. If you cry hard enough, maybe your boyfriend will come to your rescue."

James had long ago resigned to doing the entire project himself, with Goyle drooling on the desk as he slept. He eyed Lily, wondering how she managed to get along with that Slytherin girl. Sirius was dangerously close to reaching for his wand, evidently controlling himself best he could as Rodolphus screwed up the potion on purpose and made a few tiny explosions.

Sirius noticed that Professor Buxton wasn't paying attention at all, reading the Daily Prophet and probably using a deaf charm on himself. He saw Snape grab Remus' wand and yell something at him. Seeing no harm in intervening, he walked over to their cauldron and put a hand on Snape's shoulder.

"Get your filthy fingers off me, Black," said Snape. Sirius grabbed Remus' wand and gave it back to him, giving a menacing look to Snape.

"Don't you talk to me like that, you sniveling worm."

"Can't even let a fellow tend to his assignment?" asked Snape, timidly but with a hint of disgust. Waving around his wand in expression, he said, "Honestly, I don't know how you cretins made it into Hogwarts."

Sirius grimaced and took his wand out instinctively. "Who are you calling cretin?"

"Oh please, you wouldn't know what to do with that in the first place," said Snape, betting his chances that Sirius didn't have the nerve.

As if synchronized, several things then happened at once. James, intending to amass a new supply of roaches with the Appario Blatta curse, mistakenly used the Exscero Blatta curse instead on Rodolphus. Or at least, it was a presumably a mistake, even though James knew perfectly well the difference between refilling a jar of roaches and making a person cough them uncontrollably.

Snape panicked as he saw Sirius raise his wand and begin a curse, and reflexively exclaimed, "Tarantallegra!" Sirius yelled in surprise as his legs began dancing wildly out of his control.

"What'd you do, Snape?!" exclaimed Remus, pointing his own wand at him. Before he began any incantation, however, Sirius finished his own and put the Twitchy Ears Hex on Snape.

James stood back and laughed as Remus tried to recall the counter-spell of Tarantallegra. Goyle awoke on account of all the yelling, watching with awe as Sirius' feet did what looked to be a new-age interpretation of the Hokey Pokey.

Before long, the entire class was in a rumble of charms and hexes. Lily leaped behind her cauldron to narrowly avoid an aimless obesity hex, while Narcissa simply recited protection spells and waved her wand whenever an attack came her way. Professor Buxton was at a loss, swinging his wand from student to student, trying to figure out what to fix first. Unfortunately, this delay caused him to get hit by a stray Leg-Locker Curse, rendering him completely unable to attend to the situation.

"Are they all very pissed?" asked Lily, trying to figure out what was causing the sudden outbursts.

Narcissa took a long look at the scene in it's entirety. It seemed very odd that they all broke out and fought at the same moment, regardless of House rivalry. "This is beginning to annoy me," she said, tired of the incessant battle cries and loud confusion. "Don't you know a spell that can stop it?" she asked Lily.

"Erm, well..." she began, apparently drifting into thought. She couldn't think of anything to reverse all the spells, and didn't think she could do something so powerful to begin with. "Ah, I know!" Lily pointed her wand at herself and said, "Sonorus!"

Narcissa waited for a few seconds before asking, "What did that do?"

"It's supposed to make my voice louder," she said, and Narcissa's eyes grew wide at how loud it had actually been. "Ahem, listen everyone. I think that we should all stop this nonsense before somebody loses an eye."

Her voice was clear, and reached everyone in the room. For a moment, everything stopped, as if to consider the announcement. All eyes were on Lily, and all wands were stopped in action.

Then, as abruptly as the whole ordeal began, everyone began throwing incantations at Lily herself. She ducked, called out a few protection spells, and closed her eyes before seeing whether or not they worked.

"They've gone back to mutilating each other," said Narcissa.

Lily opened her eyes and saw that she was safe. "Oh," she said, very loudly. She then squeaked, pointed her wand to herself again, and said, "Quietus!" as softly as possible. "Maybe we should go get Dumbledore?"

"We? We're not responsible for whatever these gits do. Besides, he'll come around soon anyway, when something big enough happens. Like Buxton exploding, or something. Dumbledore's got a sixth sense for that stuff. Probably."

"What if someone really gets hurt?" Lily asked. Narcissa looked at her blankly. "Or what if someone thinks to put a nudus charm on you?"

"All right, then. You run to the door first, and I'll cover you."