Pretence of Love

Pretence of Love

It was a rare thing indeed when Remus found himself drunk; he hates the feeling, how out of control the drink renders him, and he isn't that fond of the taste anyway. But one night, late in the October of 1981, Remus finds that he is absolutely pissed out of his mind.

He had been uneasy for some time, but everyone in England is highly anxious nowadays. However, Remus' discomfort has little to do with the situation concerning You-Know-Who; his own situation was the cause of his anxiety, and thus his drinking. His desire to ease the pain he feels overcomes his good sense and judgment, and he quickly realises that he forgets said good sense and judgment the more he drinks. Before he knows what he's done, Remus finds himself at the door of the one person he wants to avoid; Sirius.

He feels his heart flutter wildly as Sirius opens the door and gapes at him, and he smiles, trying desperately to hide how intoxicated he is.

"You're drunk," Sirius says; Damn, Remus thinks, and slumps against the door frame. Sirius insists that he comes in, looking quite worried as he helps Remus to the threadbare sofa. The place of many 'sessions', he thinks, staring blearily at Sirius as he settles himself in a chair opposite Remus.

"Why are you here, Moony?" Sirius asks softly, watching Remus with anxious eyes. "You made it clear you didn't want to see me again."

Remus shrugs. "Don't know," he replies. "Just came."

Sirius sits, very quietly, waiting for the explosion.

"Do you really want to know why I'm here?" Remus snaps after a minute or two. "Because, Sirius, I can't pretend any more. I've kept quiet, I've acted like I'm fine, because that's what everyone expects of me, isn't it? But I can't do it any longer.

"How can you love that girl after only a few months? I don't understand; why did you throw away what we had? Did I mean that little to you?"

Sirius sighs and runs a hand through his raven hair. "Remus, I never meant for you to think I was serious, pardon the pun. I do love Violet, whether you believe it or not. You and I were only a fling, a silly experiment, and -"

"An experiment?" Remus splutters, "A fling? We were together for nearly four years, Sirius! How is that a fling?"

"I'm sorry, Remus," Sirius says in a low voice, avoiding Remus' fiery gaze. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't know you felt so strongly about me; I thought you were just messing about too."

Remus makes a little noise of disbelief. "I thought you knew me, Sirius."

"So did I," Sirius replies quietly. "But maybe not. I don't know that expression; I've never seen you like this before. Please, don't look at me like that, Moony, I can't stand it."

Remus watches as Sirius puts his head in his hands, his lower lip trembling, and begins to cry softly. He is quite alarmed; he's never seen Sirius cry before. He wants to hug him, to comfort him; Sirius looks so innocent and sad, like a child, and it tears Remus apart to watch him.

"Tell me, Sirius," he says at length, surprised at how cold his voice sounds, but unable to control it. "Does she make you feel the way I did?"

Sirius looks up, his eyes red and his cheeks streaked with tears, to meet Remus' gaze. He doesn't answer.

"Answer me," Remus growls; some strange, furious feeling has taken over him, the way the wolf does, and he can't stop. "Does she make your skin tingle when she touches you? Does her voice send shivers up your spine? Do your eyes show you her soul, do they tell you how much she loves you?"

"Stop it, Remus," Sirius says, biting his lip as Remus glares at him.

"Tell me," Remus snarls, "does she kiss you the way I did? Do her lips taste like mine? Does she caress your skin with them, tease you with her teeth and tongue?"

"Remus, stop," Sirius says softly, his voice quavering slightly. Remus takes no notice.

"Can she make you writhe and arch when she makes love to you? Do you cry her name until you lose your voice? Do you promise her the world when you come, do you tell her you love her, and always will? Answer me!"

He's shouting now, screaming at Sirius, who is staring wide eyed at him, highly alarmed at Remus' anger. He says nothing.

"Tell me, Sirius, can she do all the things I did to you? Can she?"

He's on his feet, his hands balled into tight fists; he marches over to Sirius and straddles his hips, kissing him fiercely as the other man struggles beneath him.

"Please, Remus," Sirius whimpers, but Remus ignores him, tearing the t-shirt from Sirius' chest and biting his shoulder and neck.

"Remus, stop," Sirius pleads, taking Remus by the shoulders and trying to push him off, but Remus has acquired immovable strength from years of transformations and can't be moved. He rips the belt from Sirius' trousers and throws it to the floor, and renews his attack on Sirius' lips, pinning Sirius' arms to his sides.

Sirius bites Remus' tongue as he shoves it into Sirius' mouth; Remus sits back, blood trickling from his mouth and staining his lips like some grisly war paint, and hits Sirius, hard; he knows it must have hurt, for his hand is stinging , but Sirius does no more than flinch as a red mark begins to form on his cheek.

"Bastard," he snarls, and spits in Remus' face. Remus laughs humourlessly as he wipes his face with his sleeve, his eyes burning with hatred and his mouth turned up into a blood-stained sneer.

"Is that the best you can do now you're in love," he hisses, running a finger down Sirius' cheek. Sirius wrenches one of his hands free and grabs the front of Remus' shirt, pulling him forward so their noses bump together, and growls,

"Leave Violet out of this. What did she ever do to you?"

"She took you away from me," Remus replies; his whole body is shaking, Sirius can feel the tremors coursing through him. "I loved you, with every ounce of my being, and she took you from me."

Sirius stares into Remus' eyes for a moment, and closes the gap between their lips; he can taste the hard, metallic flavour of the blood in Remus' mouth, and feels Remus exhale through his nose onto Sirius' face.

"If you really love me so much," he whispers, his voice shaking from some suppressed emotion, "then why are you doing this to me?"

Remus freezes, his mouth mere millimetres from Sirius'. He could continue as he had done, he could kiss Sirius so hard his lips would bruise. But it wouldn't be the same as the kiss Sirius initiated just now, he realises with a jolt. His drunken rage gives way to a very sobering thought; he had nearly raped Sirius, and would have had no idea in the morning. He had thought that kissing Sirius, feeling Sirius move underneath him, even hurting Sirius, would bring him some kind of relief from the pain he feels constantly now. But he doesn't know where there feelings have come from...

In Remus' pensive state, Sirius seizes his chance; he throws Remus off him and gets quickly to his feet, staring in disgust at the other man.

Remus is breathing heavily; his chest heaves as he looks at Sirius, whose beautiful face is contorted in revulsion. He feels a lump begin to rise in his throat and tears prick behind his eyes as Sirius scowls at him.

"Get out," he spits. Remus bites his lip and hurries to the door, tears spilling over as he stumbles out into the street.

He doesn't know how he gets back to his flat. He walks along roads that are familiar, but he can't remember the names of, until he reaches his building. When he is inside, he collapses onto the sofa, without bothering to turn on any lights, and sobs himself to sleep.

In the days afterwards, Remus feels he should apologise to Sirius, to explain calmly and rationally why he behaved the way he did. He knows, of course, that Sirius would kill him if he went anywhere near him again, so he stays away, but he can't help feeling awful.

However, he soon realises that the murder of a friend, and the betrayal of two others, is much worse than an 'encounter' with a drunk ex-lover and a bruised cheek, and he hopes that Sirius, locked in a cell in Azkaban with all his pretences of love, realises this too.