Dearest Severus...

Christmas Day, 1985

Severus Snape sat motionlessly as one hand gripped the arm of the leather chair tightly and the other hand clenched a letter. The man with sallow skin looked into the fire, which was the only source of light in the room. His gaze then fell over to the corner of the room where a Christmas tree stood fully decorated; the space between the tree's lowest branches and the floor was full of presents. In the other corner of the room lay dolls that belonged to a little girl that was nowhere to be found. The sight made the muscles in Severus' chest constrict. The house was silent except for the sound of the crackling fire. There was no laughter in the house. It was Christmas day; the house should have been filled with the laughter of the five-year-old girl that had been running though the halls the day before. The man gripped the letter tightly. He knew the letter by heart. The offending piece of paper had been found on his pillow when he had woken up a few hours ago. Last night there were two other people living in this house, and now Severus was the only one left. Things had not been going well between him and his now ex-lover Kylean Makowitz. The fighting between the two had increased over the last few months; it was no environment in which to raise a child.

Stiffly, he smoothed out the letter as he began to read over it again fighting back the urge to be sick:

Dearest Severus,

It was not an easy decision leaving you and on Christmas of all days, but you know things have never really been right between us when we met seven years ago. We never have been able to go too long without having a fight and recently the fights have been nastier and more frequent. Over the past year the environment has become too hostile for Alexandra to live in. I have received several owls from the caretaker at Hogwarts who tells me that Alexandra has been using an instant scalping hex on his kitten Mrs. Norris and that you have done nothing to stop her. How can I let our little girl be brought up in a place like this?

I did not leave because I stopped loving you. Love has never been a problem for us. But people who love each other do not always get along.

We did have many good times together. I will always hold those times close to my heart as should you. Even though our first meeting was unusual, thanks to Igor trying to play matchmaker. It was funny that he always thought we would be perfect together. I was so scared that night. I had only started out as Igor's apprentice and he wanted me to travel to London with him for a meeting of which he would not give me any details. Then when he sat down at the table and said, 'The two most sarcastic people I know,' and then walked away! I can imagine the looks on both of our faces was priceless at that moment. Each of us were too stunned to say anything. But, that night I knew there was more to you than the sarcastic exterior you put on. At that time the same could have been said about me. We both had been loners at school and put up a thick wall of defenses. It became my mission that night to try to break through that barrier. It took some time but I finally managed to put a crack in that wall the night of our first kiss.

As if he were being sucked into the parchment, that night of their first kiss began to play in Severus' mind:

"Severus, why do you have to always be this difficult?" a younger Kylean asked him, frustrated with his unwillingness to talk. The same roadblock had been up since Igor had introduced them two months ago.

"I am not being difficult," Severus shrugged nonchalantly as he turned his face away from hers.

"Like hell you are!" The irate girl snapped back at him. "What is so wrong with telling me what your childhood was like?"

"Because it's none of your damned bloody business," the sallow young man spat.

Kylean looked at him for a few minutes, trying to figure out why it was so hard for him to answer this one question. He had asked about her life, growing up, and she had answered him with no problem. Then it hit her something terrible must have happened, something which he was not willing to share. Without another word Kylean had moved herself in front of Severus and began to hug him tightly. Something inside her was telling her that he had not received many hugs in his childhood.

"What are you doing?" Severus asked, confused by the hug. No one in his life had ever hugged him; not even his parents. "Why are you doing this?" he was obviously perplexed by this sudden act of warmth.

"I thought you needed a hug," Kylean said, pulling away slightly.

"No one has ever hugged me before," he looked at his friend with mixture of sadness and awe in his eyes. "No one ever cared enough to hug me before."

Kylean looked at him, stunned for a moment, "Your parents never hugged you when you were a child?" All of a sudden it made some sense as to why Severus was the way he was.

"My parents were always too concerned about staying in favor with their snobby friends, and not with 'that weak child', as they so lovingly dubbed me. Then once I was in school it was all about my grades, so they would have something to brag about," Severus stopped when he realized he was opening himself up more than he would like to this woman.

Before he had a chance to say any more, Kylean had her arms wrapped around him in yet another hug. This time he hugged back. This woman was slowly breaking her way through to the real him. After a few minutes, Kylean pulled back slightly out of the embrace to look straight into the eyes of the man she was beginning to see in a different light most recently. Her hand gently reached up for his cheek.

"You are not the man you want everyone to think you are," the woman spoke softly and, as if drawn in by a magnet, gently placed a meaningful kiss on Severus' lips. Immediately he stared to pull away, but found himself unable to do so. There was something about the kiss. It was nothing sloppy. It was gentle. It was sweet. It was his first kiss ever, at the age of eighteen.

Severus shook his head, trying to shake himself free of the memory, and kept on reading:

Even though I know you still won't admit it to this day I know that was your first kiss ever. You let me see that night that there indeed was some hope inside that tortured soul. From that point on it became my quest to get you to open yourself up more to me. Little by little I did mange to do that. I could tell I was getting though to you; your eyes slowly began to show a glimmer of hope.

It took me almost a year after that wonderful first kiss to get you to open enough to me on the subject of exactly how horrible your parents were to you. There were many nights in that year that I believe you wanted to open up to me, but part of you still did not trust me fully. Now I know that it had to do with your keeping the fact that you were a Death Eater from me. You probably thought it would have repulsed me, but you were wrong. I had always assumed that you were one because I knew Igor belonged to them and since I knew you had nothing to do with Durmstrang, I figured that is how the two of you would know one another. Maybe it could have made a difference if I had said something before you told me that night.

That night was one of the most special nights of my life. It was the night you finally opened up to me about everything and it was the night we first made love. I never felt closer to you than I did that night.

Again Severus could feel his consciousness fade as he was being drawn into the memory:

Severus looked down at the half-asleep Kylean that lay in his arms. He did not know what to say to her. He had told her all the horrible things about his parents and the secret that made him hate himself the most-- that he was a Death Eater. Yet, she did not run away from him after the revelation. Instead, Kylean had been very understanding, and this confused him a great deal. He assumed that any sane person would have run away; instead Kylean had said that she understood and was very comforting towards him. All these feelings were very foreign and it took every last ounce of energy not to run.

Then, before he knew what was happening, he was making love to this woman with whom he had been involved with for the past year. A woman who had tried to get him to open up, but he had resisted to this point-- believing she would leave him if he told her the truth. Severus had begun to enjoy having someone who worried about him and seemed to genuinely care for him.

The young wizard was feeling an odd sense of euphoria, a feeling he had until that moment never thought possible. "Are you up?" he whispered to his brown-haired companion.

"Yes, I am," Kylean smiled as she shifted to look up at the man with whom she had shared her first sexual encounter with. She knew it had been his first too. Kylean rested her head on his chest and dropped off into a contented sleep. Their world was perfect for this one instance but the pessimistic duo knew this happiness would not be around for long.

After the memory faded from his vision, the desolate wizard took a deep breath before he continued on reading:

I don't think we were ever able to recreate the intensity of our relationship that followed during those few months that followed. We both of us had to come back to reality. Voldemort was gaining more power and you were consequently absent more often, doing his bidding. At one point I was seriously considering joining the Death Eaters, but that is when I found out I was pregnant. I was not going to raise a child like that. I knew you felt the same way. And for whatever reason you truly left and became a double agent, whether it was for Alexandra or because your soul cried out for it after having seen and done one too many horrible things, you did the right thing for yourself. By that point the damage had been done, however, and you had reverted back to the man I had met long ago that night in London. The only difference being that I could not get you open up to me again. I tried and tried to get you to open up, but nothing would work.

The only thing that was keeping you together all these years was our daughter. So ironically, it is because of her that I had to leave. I will not keep you from staying in contact with your daughter. You can write her here at Durmstrang, but I think it is best that you do not see her until we both break for summer holidays. At that time we can discuss custodial arrangements for Alexandra.

Love Always,

Kylean

Severus tossed the letter to the ground as he stood up from the chair in which he had been sitting. Now he would have to make the best out of the little time he would get to spend with his daughter. The two shreds of decency were now forever torn from his being.