What Lies Within

Chapter Ten - The Secret Truth

Sirius woke bright and early the next morning to the sounds of James' snores. He had been tossing and turning the whole night, falling in and out of bizarre dreams which he could barely remember, and now that James had decided to share the sounds of his slumber with the rest of them, Sirius couldn't imagine being able to get back to sleep now. So he got up and slipped into the bathroom for a quick shower. Unfortunately, he wasn't the only one in there.

Sirius had just stripped down to his shorts when he heard a gurgling sound. Looking around curiously, he ascertained that the sound was coming from one of the shower stalls. Reluctant to find out what was making the noise, Sirius approached the stall. He would never have done so if the noise hadn't been coming from the shower that gave out the hottest water. Without really wanting to, Sirius pulled open the door of the stall... and instantly regretted it.

Lance was lying, completely naked, on the floor of the stall. Sirius quickly averted his eyes so as not to traumatize himself and closed the door on the unconscious teen. He shook his head sadly and stepped into the stall farthest away from the one that Lance occupied. Turning on the water, he shivered as the cold water hit his back. He silently cursed Lance for having to have passed out in the best shower. That thoughtless bastard.

Ten cold minutes later, Sirius stepped, shivering violently, stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. The water hadn't warmed up all that much and it left him with gooseflesh. He rubbed his arms for warmth and wrapped the towel around his hips. He gave a huge yawn and shuffled back out of the bathroom.

Smiling slightly, Sirius noticed that Remus had shoved his head under his pillow in an attempt to block out James' continued snores. Peter, of course, was still fast asleep, not having heard the snores at all. Sirius envied Peter his ability to sleep soundly; sometimes he found himself wondering it Peter just died at night and came back to life in the morning. It was probably for that reason - sleeping abnormally soundly - that Peter was such a morning person.

Peter's usual pep in the morning annoyed Remus to no end. Remus, one could say, was definitely not a morning person. It took both Sirius and James to haul him out of bed in the morning, and they had very nearly received bites for their efforts. It was for this reason that Sirius and James usually took it in turns to use the Levicorpus spell on him. That way, they wouldn't receive any wounds that would not heal (werewolf bites tended not to).

Sirius bent over his trunk and dug out a comfortable pair of jeans and a tight black sweater. After getting dressed, he walked down the staircase to the common room where a funny sight awaited him.

On a sofa by the fire, her mouth hanging wide open, her arm flopping onto the floor, lay Lily Evans. Sirius could hear the sounds of her heavy breathing from where he stood across the common room. He smiled and crossed over to sit on the arm of the sofa, peering down into the face of the sleeping girl. She looked so peaceful, laying there, her face blissfully blank, as though she had not a care in the world. With the golden streams of sunlight pouring in through the window, she looked like a fallen angel...

"Is there any reason why you're staring at me sleeping, Black?"

Sirius was so surprised that he very nearly fell off the arm of the sofa.

"You're awake!" he exclaimed softly, hoping to cover the fact that he was so startled.

"Don't seem so surprised," she scolded him, sitting up and stretching with a yawn. "People don't usually stay sleeping when there's someone staring at them... any reason why you've decided to turn creepy?" She gave him a piercing gaze as she attempted to tame her fiery locks.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said, running his fingers through his black hair. "You just... looked so peaceful that's all..." He gave her a furtive look to make sure he was forgiven. Apparently he was.

"So why are you up so early?" she asked, her hands running over her shirt to try and flatten the wrinkles out of it. Sirius eyes were immediately drawn to the movement. He felt his stomach clench as the shirt tightened over her breasts and forced himself to look away.

"I - couldn't sleep," he admitted, hoping that she hadn't noticed where he had been looking. His face had gone red and his heart was hammering so hard that he was almost sure she could hear it. He swallowed.

"Oh... yeah, me neither. I came down here to read and must have fallen asleep." She had stopped trying to flatten the wrinkles out of her shirt, a fact for which Sirius was relieved.

There was an awkward silence, in which neither of them knew what to say. Lily started looking for the book she had been reading and Sirius was watching her, unable to do anything else. In the soft morning light, her skin looked like silk and Sirius was struck with the sudden urge to touch it. He shook himself of this urge almost as soon as he felt it. This was Lily Evans he was thinking about, the object of James', his best friend's, fancy. He couldn't just go thinking about her like that - so he willed himself not to.

"So what were you planning on doing today?" Lily asked at last, having found her book on the other side of the sofa. "Looks like it's going to be nice."

Sirius grimaced. "That's too bad, because I have to finish that essay about Devil's Snare for Professor Sprout. Did you know that Devil's Snare grows at an average rate of three feet per week when left to grow under ideal conditions?" Sirius tried to sound overly enthusiastic about the bit of trivia. Lily laughed.

"No I didn't, and I didn't really want to know!" she told him, with a giggle. "You know, it's funny. My parents are both florists-"

"They are?" Sirius asked, surprised. "That explains a lot."

Lily frowned. "What do you mean?" she asked, a little taken aback by his comment.

Sirius grinned sheepishly. "Well, I just meant that that explains the names. Lily and Petunia?" He raised his eyebrows for emphasis.

Lily laughed again, her face glowing with mirth. "Yeah, I guess I see what you mean... but if you think that's bad, my parents' names are Herb and Rose!"

Sirius gave a laugh. "That's about the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life... but go on. What where you going to say?" He looked at her in what he hoped was a polite way. He felt slightly hysterical.

"I was going to say, before I was so rudely interrupted," (she cast him a mock patronizing look), "that even though my parents are both florists, I've always hated Herbology!" She gave a laugh and Sirius joined in with a slightly hysterical laugh of his own.

"Listen," he said, casting one more glance at her glowing skin, "I've got to go get some books from the library to use as reference for my essay. So, I'll see you later then?" He got to his feet and stood waiting for her reply.

"Sure, but Sirius-" Lily started, but Sirius was already ducking out of the portrait hole. She watched him go with a confused look on her face. "The library isn't open this early."

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The dusty sunlight filtered in through the windows of Gryffindor tower, waking Lily from her dreams. Still groggy from her sudden consciousness, she refused to open her eyes. She had been having the most wonderful dream about a knight in shining armour coming to sweep her off her feet and ride away with her into the sunset. She had been having that same dream ever since she could remember; the only thing that changed in the dream was the colour of the knight's hair (the knight never wore a helmet, but he didn't have a face either). At first, when she had been young, it had been red, to match her own. Then a few years later, the knight had been blond like the celebrities she loved so much. As she discovered that she was a witch, the knight's hair had been long and black. Then last year, it had been brown and messy. In the most recent dreams, it had been black.

Lily suppressed a sigh as she heard someone coming down the boys' staircase, and from the sound of the footfalls, it was an older student. She prayed that it wouldn't be Potter or Berube, both of whom got on Lily's nerves. She hoped that it was going to be Remus, so she could have a civilized conversation for once. Or even Sirius, but she sometimes got tongue-tied looking at his face, the depth of his eyes...

Whoever it was didn't exit through the portrait hole. Instead, they approached the couch, and Lily cringed of the thought of Potter coming to watch her sleep, or worse yet (if that was possible), Berube coming to watch her sleep... the creepy bastard...

The boy perched himself on the arm of the sofa where she lay, and Lily could stand it no longer. She opened her eyes a crack, just enough to see the intruder's feet. They were big, but that didn't mean anything; most of the older boys had big feet. They hadn't made too much noise coming down the staircase, but Lily realised with a sinking feeling that it wasn't Remus. If it had been Remus, she wouldn't have heard him coming at all.

Lily examined the feet more closely. Suddenly, with a jolt of both relief and apprehension, she recognised the whacky socks that James had given Sirius for Christmas. So it was Sirius...

"Is there any reason why you're staring at me sleeping, Black?"

Lily watched as a look of utter shock crossed Sirius's handsome face and as he very nearly fell off the arm of the sofa.

"You're awake!" he exclaimed softly, going a little red.

Lily suppressed the urge to giggle at his discomfort. It wasn't good to damage a boy's ego... too much.

"Don't seem so surprised," she scolded him, sitting up and stretching with a yawn. "People don't usually stay sleeping when there's someone staring at them... any reason why you've decided to turn creepy?" She gave him a piercing gaze, seeing her own face reflected twice in his wide eyes. She caught sight of her unruly hair and was instantly self-conscious of her appearance compared to his. He always looked good, even if it was six thirty in the morning. As casually as she could manage, she attempted to tame her beastly hair. Her efforts didn't make much difference.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said, running his fingers through his black hair. Black hair... like he knight. Black hair that looked freshly washed and dishevelled. She tried to catch a whiff of his shampoo, just curious to see what it would smell like. He smelled like spices. "You just... looked so peaceful that's all..." he continued, giving her a furtive look. Lily realised he was making sure she wasn't too angry with him. She made her face as reassuring and as relaxed as possible.

"So why are you up so early?" she asked, trying desperately to fill the silence. She looked down at her shirt and noticed to her dismay that it was impossibly wrinkled in comparison to his perfect black cotton sweater. Trying not to draw attention to what she was doing, she ran her hands over the front of her shirt to smooth out the wrinkles. Lily saw Sirius's eyes move immediately to the movement of her hands, and pause on her breasts. A look of painful discomfort crossed his face, and he looked away, going red again.

"I - couldn't sleep," he admitted, swallowing awkwardly.

"Oh... yeah, me neither. I came down here to read and must have fallen asleep." Lily stopped trying to flatten the wrinkles out of her shirt, and the look on his face relaxed a little.

There was an awkward silence, in which neither of them knew what to say. Needing to do something to distract herself from staring at Sirius' face, Lily started looking for the book she had been reading the night before. She felt Sirius's eyes following her every move. In the morning light, his face looked soft and gentle, even more handsome than usual, which was saying something. The sweater he was wearing was tight and clung to the perfect musculature of his chest and arms. Lily mentally shook herself for thinking such things, but it was hard to feel guilty when she knew half the girls in the school were thinking the same thing.

"So what were you planning on doing today?" Lily asked at last, having found her book on the other side of the sofa. "Looks like it's going to be nice."

Sirius grimaced. "That's too bad, because I have to finish that essay about Devil's Snare for Professor Sprout. Did you know that Devil's Snare grows at an average rate of three feet per week when left to grow under ideal conditions?" The over-enthusiasm in his voice was funny. Sometimes he could be so sarcastic!

"No I didn't, and I didn't really want to know!" she told him, with a giggle. "You know, it's funny. My parents are both florists-"

"They are?" Sirius asked, surprised. "That explains a lot."

Lily frowned. "What do you mean?" she asked, a little taken aback by his comment. Was he going to crack some wise-ass joke about flowers and such? Or was it a simple understanding of what she was going to say? Lily was confused.

Sirius grinned sheepishly at her, looking out from under his dark lashes. "Well, I just meant that that explains the names. Lily and Petunia?" He raised his eyebrows for emphasis.

Lily laughed again, understanding flooding her. So he had made the connection of the names... it had only been a matter of time. "Yeah, I guess I see what you mean... but if you think that's bad, my parents' names are Herb and Rose!"

Sirius gave a laugh that sounded surprisingly like the bark of a dog to Lily. "That's about the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life... but go on. What where you going to say?" He looked at her with an almost hysterical gleam in his eye. Lily wondered if it was a side effect of the laughing... or did it have something to do with the way he was staring at her neck?

"I was going to say, before I was so rudely interrupted," she said, casting him a mock patronizing look, "that even though my parents are both florists, I've always hated Herbology!" She gave a laugh and Sirius joined in with a slightly hysterical laugh of his own.

"Listen," he said, his gaze slipping once more to her neck. Lily though she saw a slightly hungry look in his dark eyes, but she could have imagined it. "I've got to go get some books from the library to use as reference for my essay. So, I'll see you later then?" He got to his feet and stood waiting for her reply. Lily examined his face for more strange emotions, but there were none. Just discomfort.

"Sure, but Sirius-" Lily started, but Sirius was already ducking out of the portrait hole. She watched him go with a confused look on her face. "The library isn't open this early."

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"Detention, Mr. Black. And to you, too, Miss Evans. Quite honestly, I expected better of our Head Girl!" Professor McGonagall stood with her hands on her hips glaring down at Lily and up at Sirius. "Trying to kick Mrs. Norris down the stairs! For Heaven's sake, what has gotten into you both?" She glowered at them for an answer.

"Oh, come on, Professor!" Sirius groaned, watching Mrs. Norris walk away with her tail (which had inflated with fear) in the air. "You can't tell me you haven't wanted to give her a good swift kick up the-"

"Whether I have or not, Mr. Black, is irrelevant," McGonagall snapped, but Sirius saw in that instant that there was humour in her eyes. "It's what you and Miss Evans were attempting to do that is in question here!" She challenged him with her eyes to disagree. Lily opened her mouth to speak, but Sirius stepped on her foot. Sirius didn't argue, so McGonagall went on. "Now, I want to see you both in my office tonight at five thirty sharp! You'll be serving your detentions with me. Good day to you both." And with that she marched on up the corridor.

Sirius let out a low whistle. "Well, that was an experience. I don't know what I enjoyed more: trying to kick Mrs. Norris or seeing that McGonagall wants to!" He let out his bark-like laugh again.

Lily just stared at him, her mouth hanging slightly open. "But you didn't try to kick Mrs. Norris! I did!" she argued, crossing her arms. "Why wouldn't you let me tell McGonagall that?"

Sirius gave her a smug grin. "Because she wouldn't have believed you and because I figured you might want some company in detention tonight. It's Monday, and I think we're the first ones to get detention today. What an accomplishment!" He gave her another infuriating grin and stalked off in search of his posse, probably so he could brag that he had gotten detention first.

Lily stared incredulously after him. It was some minutes before she was waken from her state of disbelief. Someone tapped her on the shoulder. Lily turned, surprised, to see the tall, lanky form of Severus Snape standing before her. He was smiling tentatively down at her, and she returned the smile reluctantly.

"Sev, it's good to see you." Lily started walking in the opposite direction from which Sirius had gone in hopes of not running into the Marauders. "What have you been up to lately?" Despite her dislike of his new friends, she still liked Severus. He was always down to earth and a good friend.

"Nothing much... just the usual work and stuff..." Lily noticed the way Severus didn't meet her eyes when he said this last part. She frowned slightly. "Anyway, I just came to ask you if you wanted to go for a walk around the lake tonight. It would be nice to escape the castle for a while, wouldn't it?" He looked to her hopefully for a positive answer.

Regret boiled up in Lily's stomach and she bit her lip.

"What? What is it?" Severus asked, looking as though he expected the worst.

"Oh, Sev, I'm really sorry!" Lily exclaimed, and she was ashamed that she felt a little relief as well. Their friendship had never been the same since Severus had called her a Mudblood in front of everybody. Where they had once been completely open to each other, there was now tension. Lily had waited half a year to finally tentatively forgive Severus, but he was still on probation. He was still hanging out with those Death Eaters and she didn't like it... she couldn't like it... "I've got detention tonight with McGonagall!"

Severus looked surprised. "You? Detention with McGonagall?" he asked, incredulous, a grin playing at the corners of his thin mouth. "What did you do?"

Lily grimaced. "I tried to kick Mrs. Norris down the stairs."

Severus laughed wholeheartedly at this, and it was clear that he had wanted to do the exact same thing to the aggravating little pest. "Good for you!" he exclaimed, patting her on the back. "I wish I had been there to see it!"

Despite herself, Lily found herself grinning. "Well, I didn't succeed, though, did I? You do recall hearing the tried part, don't you?"

Severus shrugged. "So what stopped you? McGonagall?" he asked, interest evident on his face.

Lily shook her head. "Sirius Black."

A cold look crept into Severus' eyes at the mention of Sirius' name. Lily instantly regretting saying it.

"Oh?" Severus said in a voice of forced calm. "And I supposed he let you go to detention while he walked free, did he?" The way he said it, it was almost a snarl. Lily frowned.

"No, actually, he didn't. He stopped me from telling McGonagall that he had in fact tried to stop me. He said he thought I might like some company in detention." As soon as the words left her mouth, Lily knew she had gone too far. Something like fury swept over Severus' face and he pulled her into an empty classroom. It was a few moments before he stopped glaring at her long enough to speak.

"I think you should be careful around Black, Lily," he warned through clenched teeth, and Lily could see the internal struggle behind his eyes. "He's not to be trusted around you. He'll-"

"He'll what, Sev?" Lily cut across him angrily. "What will he do? Seduce me? Take advantage of me? What are you so worried about?" It was all she could do to stop from yelling in Severus' face.

Severus studied her face for a moment, then replied. "He might. God knows, his track record is littered with broken hearts and letdowns. If you get too close to him, he'll hurt you, and I-" Severus stopped talking abruptly, apparently aware that he had said too much.

When Lily spoke, her voice was almost a whisper. "You what?"

Severus paused. "I don't want him to hurt you."

And then he was kissing her, his arms pulling her close, one hand on her back and one tangled in her hair. Caught off guard, Lily didn't struggle at first. Severus' hands moved to cup her face and it was the coldness of his hands that brought Lily back to her senses.

She pushed against his chest, pushed him away, and he released her. There was hunger in his eyes as he surveyed her, assessing how much he had offended her. And that hunger scared Lily, scared her more than she expected it to. Severus was her friend, he wasn't supposed to try and woo her. He was supposed to protect her for her own good... not because he wanted her to himself.

"I have to go," she said quickly, and with a last glance over her shoulder, she hurried from the classroom. In that glance, however, Lily caught sight of the hurt and self-loathing in Serverus' eyes.

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Lily was already there when Sirius entered McGonagall's office. She was sitting behind a desk, half hidden behind a stack of papers and scrolls. McGonagall was sitting behind her own desk drinking a cup of tea and writing something on a piece of parchment. She looked up as Sirius entered and took his seat next to Lily.

"Good, you're here, Mr. Black. Now we can get started." She got to her feet so she could see them behind the stack of papers. "You'll both be doing my marking for me. My class of first years have just written their third test of the semester. You'll be correcting all three, along with any essays you might find in there," she indicated the mess of scrolls and stacks of parchment. "Have fun." She gave them a wry look then went back to writing on her scroll.

It almost was fun. As all the tests and essays were written by first years, they were all extremely easy to mark. There was a sheet with the point tally of the tests and how to mark the essays. It was even almost comical to read some of the things that the first years had made up just to have something to hand in. Sirius remembered when he had done this for his first essay. He had had no clue as to how to transfigurate a match into a needle, since McGonagall had asked them to write down a theory based on what they had read about in their books. He had ended up being completely off, but had received full marks because what he had said had been so absurd that it had made McGonagall laugh hysterically.

Six and a half hours flew by in no time and soon they were done all the marking and were trying to get McGonagall to tell them what would be the topic of the next essay she was going to get them to write. And they almost got it out of her, before she ushered them out the door.

"No I will not tell you what the next topic will be, Mr. Black, and I hope you have a good night. And should you happen to run into Mrs. Norris, please refrain from giving her a kick down the stairs, for Heaven's sake!" And with that, she closed the door on them.

Sirius shrugged at Lily. "It was worth a try, wasn't it?" he asked as they set off toward Gryffindor tower. "I think she would have told us if we'd been able to stay just a little longer. Oh well... no advanced notice on homework for us!"

Lily was astounded by the good mood Sirius was in. Though, she would be lying to herself if she thought that she wasn't in a good mood, too. It had been fun marking the first years' papers, remembering her own made-up works.

Sirius glanced at Lily, who seemed to be lost in her own thoughts. Part of the reason he had enjoyed the detention so much was because he had done it with her. She smelled quite good, like Jasmine, and he had been able to cast glances at her whenever he had wanted without being noticed. It was the best detention he had ever had, including the time when he and James had confused Professor Bonsoir so much that he had started crying.

"I have to admit that it was the easiest detention I've ever done!" Lily laughed quietly, still lost in her own thoughts.

"Damn right it was... you know, if McGonagall hadn't had all that marking to do, I bet she wouldn't have made us do anything at all." He looked to Lily for her thoughts, only to notice that she wasn't standing next to him anymore. He stopped and looked for her, finally spotting her a couple of paces back. She was just standing staring at him, a strange look in her brilliant green eyes. "Lily?" he asked uncertainly, walking up to her and putting a hand on her shoulder to catch her attention away from his face.

And then she was kissing him. He was so surprised that he didn't react for a second, then his fingers found her sweet smelling hair and he kissed her back, not able to stop...

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Lily didn't really know why she had done it. But now that she was kissing Sirius Black, she never wanted to stop. All the rumours she had heard about him here true: he was an amazing kisser. His fingers tangled themselves in her hair and she reached up and wound her arms around his neck. He lifted her off the floor with one arm and pushed her up against a wall. A feeling of desperation twisted Lily's insides, along with a burning feeling of guilt as Severus' face came to mind. But she pushed it aside and focused on the feel of him, of his body against every line of hers, the smell of his aftershave...

"We shouldn't be doing this," Sirius panted, drawing back for a moment.

"Why not?" Lily breathed, licking his bottom lip.

"James..."

"Forget about James... I want you..."

Sirius pressed himself harder against her as his tongue brushed against her bottom teeth. Lily suppressed a smile.

There was a doorway to their right and Sirius pulled her away from the wall and carried her toward it. She wrapped her legs around his waist and she heard him give a soft moan of longing. Through the door they went, and down a short corridor to another door, which stood ajar. Inside the room it guarded, there was a cot amid the many dusty objects. In contrast with its surroundings, the cot was clean and the sheets were made. It was the only thing in the room that looked as though it had been used in the past hundred years.

Lily realised that this was one of the many hidden rooms that students used to... well, it was kind of obvious.

Sirius carried her over to the cot and laid her gently upon it. Lily reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head. The muscles of his chest and arms were taut with the effort of restraining himself. He climbed on top of her, making sure he didn't hurt her. His lips found her neck and his fingers found the buttons of her blouse and started undoing them, one by one... by one... by one...

Lily sighed as he let her blouse drop to the floor. She forced herself to remain in the present, here with Sirius, instead of thinking about Severus, or Remus...

And as Sirius' weight came down on top of her, forcing the air gently from her lungs, Lily stopped thinking at all and looked into his eyes... eyes filled with the now familiar hunger...

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"Where have you been?"

It was three o'clock in the morning and Sirius was creeping into the seventh years' dormitory. He had been trying not to wake anyone up, especially James, but Remus must have been waiting up for him to get back. There he sat, right in the middle of Sirius' bed, arms and legs crossed, a closed book by his side. He had one eyebrow raised in question.

Sirius sighed and pointed toward the bathroom. It was almost scary how Remus tended to have a sixth sense about these things (whenever Sirius did something he didn't want anyone to know about, Remus would question him about it). As soon as they had shut the door behind them, Remus turned to him again.

"So? Where have you been?" he demanded, giving Sirius a piercing glare.

"Ye gods, Moony, you sound like my mother!" Sirius mumbled, but he didn't meet the werewolf's strangely yellow eyes. He knew when he did, the boy would be able to read him like a book.

"Surely McGonagall didn't keep you this long?" Remus asked, not to be distracted.

"No... I slept with her, Remus." Sirius blurted out, unable to keep it inside any longer.

A strange look crossed Remus' face. "You slept with McGonagall?"

Sirius nearly choked. "Ew! No!"

"Then who-" Remus looked confused.

"Who do you think?" Sirius snapped.

Remus just stared at him for a moment. Then a half smile lit his face.

"Really? I was wondering when you were going to summon up the courage to tell her you liked her."

Sirius frowned. "You knew?"

"Well of course I knew, Padfoot." Remus rolled his eyes. "You've only been thinking about her for weeks."

"I have?" Something nagged at the back of Sirius' subconscious. He ignored it.

"Don't be thick. You know you have." Remus was smiling fully now, a knowing look in his eyes. The thing nagging at the back of Sirius' mind tried harder to catch his attention, but he was too distracted by the look on Remus' face.

"You approve?" he asked uncertainly, unsure if Remus' expression was actually approving or if he was fighting the urge to kill him.

"Why wouldn't I?" Remus asked, studying Sirius face for some reason why he shouldn't. "She's not seeing anyone and you fancy her, don't you?" Remus raised his eyebrows, daring Sirius to disagree.

"Yeah, but... I can't believe you guessed." Sirius ran his fingers through his hair and looked at his reflection in a mirror hanging over a sink. He looked exhausted, and his appearance was dishevelled, but he felt strangely alive.

"No offence, but it was kind of obvious."

Sirius frowned again. "Was it? Hmmm... and you're not worried that James will be pissed?" Sirius gave a nervous laugh. "'Cause I sure am."

A confused look crossed Remus' face. "James? What has James got to do with anything?

The nagging thing was poking Sirius in the back of his skull now. "Well he fancies her, doesn't he?" When Remus continued to look confused, Sirius shook his head in disbelief. "Jesus, Remus, you must know that by now!"

It was Remus' turn to frown. "He does? But I thought he fancied Lily?"

There was a pause in which they both stared at each other, trying to understand the situation. The nagging thing was now dancing before Sirius completely naked, screaming at the top of its voice.

"Wait a minute. I don't we're on the same page, here, mate. Who're you talking about?"

Remus' face was blank. "Raven Storme. Who're you talking about?"

The nagging thing was now sticking its tongue out at Sirius, telling him "I told you so!" in a shrill, singsong voice. Sirius took a deep breath and made the situation painfully clear.

"Lily Evans."

Remus's face stayed blank for a moment before the truth set in.

"You slept with Lily Evans?!" he hissed, glaring at Sirius.

Sirius sighed and put his face in his hands.

"Yeah."

Remus just stared at him incredulously, his mouth slightly open. "How could you do that?" he demanded.

Sirius looked up at him and frowned. "Well, it's not like I planned it. She just... came at me! What was I supposed to do? Fend her off with my wand? Anyway, you're one to talk, aren't you?" He raised an eyebrow at Remus, who turned a slight shade of pink.

"That was nearly a year ago..."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever." He shook his head and stared at his untidy reflection once again. "Jesus, that was weird. One minute, we're talking about detention, the next, she's snogging me like her life depends on it. I was helpless to resist!" Sirius buried his face in his hands again. "I feel so used."

This brought Remus back to his senses. "Used?" he asked, perplexed. "Why on earth do you feel used?" "Used" was generally an emotion Remus associated with girls directed at their boyfriends. Remus tried to guess what Sirius was thinking, but failed miserably.

"Because we're not involved!" Sirius looked up at Remus and the later saw the hurt in the other's face. "She doesn't fancy me, Remus, she hardly knows me! Its just like all the other times, with my 'relationships;' I fancy them and they use me for... whatever." Sirius paused, glancing down at his clenched fists. Remus was frozen to the spot. "Except, this time, she's my friend and I - she's like a sister to me, Remus, she really is... fuck, whatever, I'm going to bed." And without another glance at his friend, Sirius strode out of the bathroom.

Remus didn't move. It felt like his brain had gone numb. Could Sirius be implying...

"Holy shit," Remus whispered to himself before be followed Sirius into the dormitory.

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The next day, Remus caught up with Lily at break.

"We need to talk," he whispered, motioning that she should follow him to a deserted corner.

"What about?" she asked curiously, but Remus saw the look of apprehension in her eyes. When he didn't answer right away, her heart rate increased slightly, making her scent stronger. Remus stopped breathing through his nose.

"About Sirius."

They had reached the corner and now Remus turned to face Lily. He could see that she was taken aback by the topic of their conversation, but she needed to be told.

"What about Sirius?" she asked cautiously, testing the waters to see how much Remus knew. Remus decided to save her the trouble.

"I know you slept with him, Lily."

Lily looked aghast for a moment, then her expression became defensive.

"So what if I did? What business is it of yours, Remus Lupin?" she hissed, glaring up at him. "I suppose I'm allowed to sleep with whomever I wish!"

"Oh, it's definitely my business, Lily," Remus replied calmly, trying to control the anger bubbling under the surface.

"You don't own me, Remus," Lily spat.

"He's my friend, Lily!" Remus exclaimed, letting out some of the rage, just enough to make her see he was serious. "And you used him! How could you?"

Remus saw the shock on her face and for an instant he thought she was going to slap him. But she didn't move. She just stared at him, her mouth slightly open.

"You used him," Remus repeated, quieter this time, "knowing damn well what he's going through. You bloody well knew that he wasn't going to be able to stop himself, but you did it anyway. He's lonely, Lily, and he's lovesick. Of course he was going to respond to your advances... or your throwing yourself at him, whatever the case may be."

Lily opened her mouth to argue, but Remus cut across her.

"Don't try to deny it, you know I'm right." Remus looked into her eyes and gripped her by the shoulders. "You mean a lot to him, you know. Under normal circumstances, he probably wouldn't have let you seduce him... but he's confused Lily. Tessa just tied and he misses her terribly, and he feels responsible for her death. You know how he is. But he fancies Raven Storme, and that confuses him more because he feels guilty, like he's betraying Tessa by liking someone else. And then, as the cherry on top, he cares about you and you turn around and use him like everyone else has done. He's messed up, Lily, and you've just complicated the matter so much more, because James fancies you, too, Lily, whether you like that or not, and Sirius and James are like brothers to each other. Now Sirius feels guilty for sleeping with the girl that James fancies, and he's afraid that he'll find out. You need to talk to him, explain things to him... apologize."

And with that, Remus walked away determinedly, leaving Lily shivering in the crisp November air.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was Thursday evening before Lily could summon up the courage to speak to Sirius. Once that morning, she had seen him in the corridor alone, but when he noticed her approaching, he turned and disappeared into the crowd. This concerned her; it was going to be harder than she thought.

The Gryffindor team had a practice that night, so that further cut down her time in which to corner Sirius and force him to listen to her. James, Remus, and Peter had all landed themselves in detention for being horribly late for Charms, so Sirius was leading the practice. Lily had found it a little strange that he hadn't been with them, until at lunch Monsieur Bonsoir, the Latin teacher, had stormed up to the Gryffindor table and started accusing Sirius of sabotaging his quill in rapid French. Sirius calmly told him (in French) that he had been in Charms at the time in question and that he could even ask Professor Flitwick if he had any doubts. After having consulted Flitwick, who supported Sirius' alibi, Monsieur Bonsoir raged out of the great hall, cursing in French under his breath. The Marauders had all burst out laughing, and Lily couldn't help but smile (Bonsoir was an ass).

Lily peered out of a window in Gryffindor tower and spotted that all the players were now traipsing up the lawn toward the castle. Silently she put her plan in motion. She knew for a fact that Sirius always showered after a practice because he always came down after changing with wet hair. Now all she had to do was sneak up the boys staircase without anyone noticing. She glanced around at the packed common room... easier said than done.

Suddenly, out of the fireplace zoomed Peeves, showering them all with bits of flaming wood and cinder. Everyone screamed and in the ensuing confusion, Lily slipped up the stairs. As Head Girl, she would have normally tried to calm everyone down, especially the small first year whose hair was smouldering. But tonight she had a mission, and she wasn't going to be distracted.

At the very top of the staircase, she pushed open the door what read "seventh years" and made sure to close it behind her. The boys' dormitory wasn't all that different from the girls', but what they filled it with was foreign. Lily found that she could tell which beds belonged to whom. Remus' bed was perfectly made and there was no clutter on his nightstand. Peter's sheets were hanging onto the floor and his trunk was overflowing with things. Lance Berube's bed was somewhat neat and she would have thought it to be Sirius' except for the picture of a first year girl in what appeared to be a negligee on his nightstand. Lily shivered in disgust and went on.

Sirius' bed was neat, but it looked like it had been made in a hurry. Where the other boys all used one pillow, he used two, and there was a picture of Tessa twirling on the grass, her flowing black skirt blowing around her. Lily touched the picture lightly, sadness filling her. She had really liked Tessa; they had gotten along quite well, as she hadn't thought Lily to be an overbearing bitch.

Lily frowned as she set eyes upon James' bed. It was messy, but not quite as bad as Peter's, with a poster of the Loch Ness Monsters, his favourite Quidditch team, pinned to the wall over his headboard. But this wasn't what had made her frown; on the nightstand, next to a copy of Quidditch Through the Ages, was a framed drawing of her own face. The drawing was amazing, done with pencil with a hint of colour in her hair and in her eyes. But there was more than good technique in the drawing. The picture seemed to have captured something of Lily's personality; something about the way her eyebrow was slightly raised and the corner of her mouth seemed like it would twitch up into a smile at any moment. Lily picked it up to examine it more closely and noticed the tiny inscription at the bottom.

To James "Prongs" Potter with love from Sirius "Padfoot" Black. Merry Christmas. '76

"What are you doing here, Lily?"

The deep voice startled Lily so much she almost dropped the picture. She spun around to see Sirius drop his Quidditch gear at the end of his bed, a guarded expression on his face. Completely forgetting her mission for the moment, she held out the picture.

"Did you draw this?" she half-whispered. She saw his eyes flicker to the picture and away again, his mouth forming a thin, hard line. He gave a curt nod, never once moving from his position by his bed. Lily looked back down to the drawing, taking in the subtle detailing.

"This is very good." She realised how stupid she sounded the moment she said it. Of course it was good; good was an understatement.

"What do you want, Lily?"

Lily moved her eyes away from the picture as she placed it back on James' nightstand. She thought she had heard a resigned tone in his voice, as though he dreaded what she was going to say. Lily examined his face, but it was carefully free of emotion. Lily sighed and got down to business.

"I came to apologize." Sirius met her eyes as she said this, then turned away toward the bathroom.

"Apologize for what?" she heard him ask. This struck her as odd; he should know, he had been there.

"For Monday night," Lily supplied, following him into the bathroom.

"Why?" Sirius turned on her and Lily was reminded of how much bigger than her he really was. "Why would you possibly be sorry for Monday night?"

Lily faltered for a moment under his furious gaze, then replied in a squeaky voice, "Because I used you, and I am sorry."

"If you're so sorry, then why did you wait until tonight to apologize?" he demanded, but Lily thought she saw a slight softening in his eyes.

Lily considered making something up about not being able to find him, but she realised that she had a number of classes with Sirius and he wasn't that hard to find. Plus he would probably know she was lying and react accordingly. So, all things considered, she decided to tell the truth.

"Well, to be perfectly honest, you're kind of intimidating," she told him, avoiding his eyes. She chanced a glance at his face and saw that his eyebrows were raised in surprise.

"I am?" he asked, contemplating her statement. "Why?"

Lily gave a nervous laugh. "Well, for one thing, you're a hell of a lot bigger than I am. For another, you are drop dead gorgeous and it's distracting." There, she had said it.

Sirius stared at her incredulously for a moment, then leaned against a sink, his arms crossed. "So, now that we have that out of the way, I'm curious. What possessed you to throw yourself at me?" His expression was still grim, but Lily perceived a twinkle of humour deep in his eyes.

She grinned sheepishly. "I'm not exactly sure..."

Sirius sighed and closed his eyes. At first Lily thought she had made him angry again, but he just looked tired. His face was slightly grey and dark circles shadowed his eyes.

"Hard Quidditch practice?" she asked, hoping that she wasn't annoying him. Sirius opened his eyes.

"Not really. I just haven't been sleeping well, that's all." By the looks of him, Lily thought that that must be the understatement of the year. "I haven't slept right since... well, you know."

Lily nodded, understanding completely. After all, Remus had explained it to her loud and clear.

"Have you considered finding another girlfriend?" Lily asked tentatively, not wanting to set him off again. "Maybe you just need someone to take your mind off things?"

"Are you offering?" Sirius asked quite seriously, looking deep into her eyes. Lily was momentarily caught off guard.

"Uh..."

"I was just kidding," Sirius said, a small grin spreading over his handsome features. "No, I haven't thought about finding another girlfriend. I haven't had much luck with relationships in the past, actually." Lily might have been imagining it, but she thought that he wasn't meeting her eyes.

"What?" Lily burst out. "You not have luck with relationships? Are you kidding me? You've only gone out with most of the girls in the school!"

A bitter look crossed Sirius' face and he looked away from her. "Yeah, don't remind me."

"What does that mean?" Lily asked, worried at his sudden change in mood.

"Lily, I've only ever had one relationship with anyone." When Sirius saw the look of confusion on Lily's face, he continued. "Relationships require give and take from both parties. They don't work if one person is giving everything they have, and the other person doesn't give anything back." The bitter look intensified. "None of the girls that I went out with before Tessa really liked me; they just liked the way I looked. They didn't even want to get to know me. It was all about the sex."

Sirius cast a glance at Lily to see if he had offended her. Lily kept her face carefully neutral. Assured that she was alright, Sirius went on.

"It's funny, but while I was going out with them, I deluded myself into thinking that they liked me back. It was... I'm not doing a very good job of explaining this..." Sirius ran a long-fingered hand through his hair. "Let's see... have you ever done a project with someone where you did all the work and the other person just sat back and reaped the benefits?"

"Have I ever," Lily muttered. Sirius smiled stonily.

"It happens to everyone. Well, that was what my 'relationships' were like. I did all the work because I wanted the relationship to succeed. Just like on the project, the person doing all the work isn't just going to stop when they're done their own work. You can't hand in a half-finished project. So you do the other person's work as well, you let them use you, and you don't say anything because you're afraid of what they'll do. So, in time, the project is over, and you get another project with a different partner. You force yourself to think positively and assure yourself that this partner is going to be different from the last. But they aren't, and every project you let people take advantage of you because now all your other partners have told their friends that you'll do all the work if they don't. Then you get a partner who does some work, and you get your hopes up that the next will do a little more, and the next a little more than that, until you can just do your own work while the other person pulls their own weight. But the next partner is just like the others and does nothing... it's maddening." Sirius shook his head.

Lily didn't know what to say, so she just kept listening.

"That's what it's like for me. I want the relationship to survive, so I do everything I can to see that it does. But it never does. Did you know that I believed that I was in love with every single girl I went out with in my first year of dating? I actually had myself convinced that I was going to spend the rest of my life with that person and that they felt the same way about me. But after a while, I started to see the truth for what it was. They only wanted me in their beds. So I started saying that I wasn't really in the mood and I would suggest that we just talk instead. You know, I actually had one girl tell me that it wasn't up to me to decide. Disgusting, isn't it?" Sirius shook his head.

"That's horrible," Lily whispered, horrified at the thought of what Sirius was going through.

"Yeah, but that's not the worst part. The worst part is that I would give in every time. And you know why?" Sirius' expression was one of self-loathing.

"Because you wanted to keep the relationship going?" Lily guessed.

"No. It wasn't even as valiant as that." Sirius sighed. "I gave in to them because I wanted it. I despised being used, but I wanted the sex... I'm despicable." Sirius gave a harsh, mirthless laugh. "And so I learned to live with it, simply because the sex was good. Now I want to ask you again, Lily, and I want an honest answer this time: What possessed you to throw yourself at me?" Sirius gave Lily a piercing look and she very nearly backed away.

Lily sighed. She should have known that he would realise that she was lying when she said she didn't know... It was time to face the music.

"I did it for two reasons. The first is that I, like you, wanted it. And the second is because..." Lily paused, hoping to put off the worst reason, "because someone told me to stay away from you and I wanted to spite them, and I didn't think you'd care about a one night stand."

Sirius' mouth fell open and Lily braced herself for the onslaught. Sirius grabbed her by the shoulders, just as Remus has done, and pushed her up against a wall. It was like a strange mockery of what he had done on Monday night.

"Didn't think I'd care?" Sirius repeated in a cold voice, his face inches from hers. The sound of it made Lily shiver. "Why not? Because the whore doesn't have feelings?"

"No, Sirius that's not what I-" Lily started, but Sirius interrupted.

"I know," he assured her, letting her go.

"I'm so, so sorry." Lily's voice was pleading. She needed him to understand.

"Don't be," Sirius looked into her eyes reassuringly. "We all do things we regret... some more than others." He looked away and glanced at his watch. A funny expression crossed his face; it was like a mixture of regret and relief. "You'd better get going before James gets here and has a hernia."

Lily giggled nervously and moved toward the door. The beds hadn't changed since she had last seen them, but somehow they looked different. Maybe it was just her perspective that had changed. Lily paused, one hand on the handle of the door, and looked back. Sirius was standing with his hands in his pockets, watching her. Before she could change her mind, she strode up to him and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you for putting me straight," she said, meaning every word of it.

Sirius smiled a gentle smile. "Thank you for caring."

Lily kissed him once more on the cheek, but this time Sirius was ready for her. He grabbed her and pulled her against him, pressing his mouth to hers with a tender force. What felt like an eternity later to Lily, Sirius pulled away and stroked her hair.

"I love you, you know."

Lily smiled up at him, glad to hear that he felt the same way she did. "I love you, too, Sirius."

And Lily ran from the room before James, Remus, and Peter could have a chance to see her.