Reasoning

Reasoning

She's moved on. Onwards and upwards. She realises it wasn't anything like what she thought it was. A crush. A fancy. A dalliance. A distraction. She's said it herself: there is nothing she enjoys more than the drama of unrequited love. A past time.

And that's exactly what it is. Past. Well and truly in the past. She's busy working, studying, desperately trying to make it all mean something. Unfortunately she is not too busy to think. Or to wonder. Wonder what could have been.

What it might have been like. What it might have been like if it had been mutual. If something had come of it.

And when she does think of it, she is inclined to believe it would have been good. Very good - great, even. Full of disagreements, disappointments, shouting, arguments, jealousy and - on her part at least - full of tears. But never boring. Always fun. She would have laughed and laughed, and so would he. Debates and discussions on the merits of each and every tiny thing to enter their stratosphere. He would have continued to shower her with doughnuts and ice creams, and in return she would have grinned and refused him all but the tiniest of bites. She would also have been more than happy to provide nagging, belly-laughs and the occasional snort.

What would it have been like to kiss him without pretext, to stare freely and admiringly, to cross the line in anger - but then to make it up to him? How long would they have lasted? Would he have cheated on her? She thinks so. Would she have forgiven him? Undoubtedly. Would he have indulged her passion for cheesy, trashy romances? Or mocked her until she threw them at him? Would she have endured his endless flirting with anything with a heartbeat? Would she have said 'I love you'? Would he? Would either of them have meant it?

Would she have been disappointed? By his selfishness; his vanity; his down-right rudeness? Would he have grown to dislike, despise or hate her? She knew she could be a pain in the arse. Maybe they would have been all fiery and passionate. Maybe she would have been quiet and meek. Maybe she would have silently seethed, letting it build and build until the anger burst out and she ended it all in one highly pitched, deafening shriek. Maybe he would have broken her heart. Maybe she would have let him.

Maybe this, maybe that. What if blah blah blah..?! What if it never happened? Maybe it's time for her to stop dwelling and actually move on. It hasn't happened, it's not happening, and it never will happen. Pansy just wants to forget. Forget that she even ever imagined she could love him.

Sometimes he wonders too. Hypothetically like, what would have happened if h had made some kind of move or whatever. It would have changed. Everything would have changed. It would never have been casual - oh she's fun and they have lots of laughs, but underneath everything there is intensity to her. Everything she says is said with conviction. It would have gotten way too serious - on her part at least. He would have stayed with her - afraid to hurt her. She pretends, but he can see - he can see her. Eyes so vulnerable it scared him, feelings on display like he could never imagine doing himself, silently asking him to love her.

It changed anyway. He watched her break n front of him. Oh the very next day, she was on top form, but he could tell. Her eyes were that bit duller than they had been. Her smile was that bit over compensating for when she thought he wasn't looking, and the shutters came back down. It wasn't the same.

It's not his fault she's not his type. He wanted friendship - he wasn't attracted to her. She was pretty and nice, but so were lots of girls. If he'd done anything other than what he id, he would have been taking advantage. It would have been much much worse - for the both of them.

Sometimes he wonders. Sometimes Blaise wonders if he made a mistake. He wonders if maybe he could have loved her. He wonders if he'll ever find out.