Kiss Me Like You Mean It

Lily Evans Potter sat holding her baby boy mere hours after she had returned home with him for the first time. James was in the kitchen making her some tea, he had insisted that she relax and assured her that he would take care of whatever needs she may present him with. She laughed as she wondered how long that would last. Harry was finally asleep, he had been startled when they had Apparated home from Saint Mungo's but she had finally managed to calm him down. She smiled and smoothed out the small tuft of dark hair that was already poking out at odd angles. It didn't surprise her. As she ran her hand over his soft skin she smiled. But it as a sad smile, and her eyes showed the pain that she was feeling.

Sirius had been there when he was born. She had been in labor for hours and James had been feeling uneasy at the sight of her in so much pain and so he had stepped out for a moment. And Sirius, brave Sirius, had remained at her side one hand holding hers and one hand on the top of her head while he talked to her softly, encouraging her. And then he had come, her small little bundle of joy they had waiting so long for. It had been the happiest moment of her life.

Sirius had immediately run into the hallway and called to James in his usual loud voice, that crazy boy, he was in the middle of a hospital and he was yelling and acting like a teenager.

"It's a boy, James!"

It was a boy. Their son. The three of them, they would raise him together. James had wasted no time asking Sirius to be the godfather when he had found out Lily was expecting. That was how it should rightly be, the only other logical choice would have been Remus and of course James had considered him but Lily had assured him it had to be Sirius.

But even now something nagged at her heart. It was a pain so deep and so nagging that she was sure it might kill her. The only thing that kept her from bursting into tears was her small son wrapping his teeny hand around her pinky finger. She smiled and held back the tears. It was at that moment that her husband walked back into the room with a cup of tea. When she saw the huge grin on his face she felt her heart drop to her stomach.

One Year Earlier

Lily was busy writing a letter to her sister. She knew Petunia would never respond, not since she had decided to marry James Potter, but she was determined to mend their relationship. Nothing had been the same with them since she had left for Hogwarts nearly eight years before. But she had been writing Petunia letters religiously for several years now, telling her everything that was going on in Lily's life and asking questions about her sister's which she knew would probably not be answered. As she put the finishing touches on today's letter James walked up the stairs. He had been in the kitchen, most likely making a mess she would have to clean up once he had left.

Not saying a word he came up behind her and leaning over he wrapped his arms around her neck, squeezing her briefly. Lily closed her eyes and breathed in her husbands scent. As always he smelled like coffee and peppermint. Last Christmas he had tried to give up coffee for awhile since it was keeping him up at night and replaced the caffeine with sugar he found in peppermint candy canes. Needless to say their seventh year exams had pushed him back onto the coffee since unlike her he kept procrastinating and found himself pulling all-nighters most every night the week before. So now, not only was he a coffee junkie he was also a candy cane addict. Go figure.

She smiled to herself as James kissed her softly on the top of the head before releasing her from his loose choke hold. She turned and smiled up at him.

"Are you heading out?"

She knew that he had to go to meet with Dumbledore about something and she was hoping that it wouldn't take too long. For some reason she didn't feel very comfortable left alone in their new house quite yet. It had been a little less than a month since they had moved into their house in Godric's Hollow. She liked the muggle atmosphere, it was so nice to be back among the kind of people she grew up around. But something just irked her about being alone.

James straightened up and looked down at his wife, reaching forward to brush a piece of that beautiful red hair out of her face. He hated to leave her alone, he knew it worried her especially since they'd only been here for a short while.

"Yeah, I have to go talk to Dumbledore for a little bit...And after that I'm going over to see Remus for a little bit."

Lily's cheeks went a little red at the last part. He was going to see Remus when he knew how worried she was about being alone in the house? Something just didn't make sense here, especially since he looked anywhere but at her when he said it. Pursing her lips she didn't say anything she just looked at him waiting for him to explain which she knew he would. Looking rather guilty, James finally spoke again.

"It's his 'time of the month', darling, and you know how he gets during the full moon. This is the first time he hasn't had someone around during the full moon since before me and Sirius and Peter discovered him. I just don't want him to have to do this alone."

As James finished speaking he reached out, a pleading look on his face. Lily nodded. She did understand but she wasn't happy about it. She was stressed, she was alone. He was gone so much lately, it was always something, always some mission Dumbledore wanted him to go on for the Order that was 'too dangerous for her to go along' or going to see Remus or going to the Ministry. She knew it was all important but she frankly didn't care.

Without speaking she turned and started folding her letter to slide it into an envelope. As she began to address the letter to Number 4 Privet Drive as she always did, James realized she wasn't in any sort of mood. So with a sigh and a feeble 'I love you' he turned and descended the stairs again, quickly grabbing his invisibility cloak as he always did as a precaution and heading out the door.

When Lily heard the door close followed by the distinct *pop* of James Apparating out of their garden, she assumed to Hogsmeade so he could proceed to Hogwarts to see Dumbledore, she let her head fall to her hands and her eyes slide closed again. She knew she was wrong to be angry at him, Remus needed him and she shouldn't be jealous or upset. They'd been friends for far longer than her and James. She half wished he would come back so she could apologize. As if some Higher Being had heard her silent hope she heard another distinct pop. Sure it was James she smiled to herself and finished addressing her letter, waiting for him to come bounding back into the house and up the stairs.

The door did open and there was a pair of feet on the stairs but they were heavy and not James'. Her ear was trained to detect the tread of her husband's footsteps and this wasn't him. Lily's heart stopped and her breath was caught in her throat. Squeezing her eyes shut she waited for her inevitable pain. She wasn't sure what she was afraid of happening but she was sure it wasn't good. She felt the hands on her shoulders, tears threatening to burst out from under her eyelids. But then the hands moved from her shoulders up to cover her eyes and they felt familiar. She didn't dare to hope that it was who she thought it was but she couldn't help let a smile creep onto her face as the tough, scarred hands that she knew so well closed over her emerald orbs.

"Guess who, pretty girl."

Lily giggled throwing his arms out so her eyes were revealed again, twirling around, nearly overturning her chair, and throwing her arms around Sirius Black's neck.

"Oh Sirius I'm so happy you're here!"

She pulled back, eyes glistening with tears that had turned from fear to joy and smiled up at her schoolmate, well former schoolmate. Sirius was laughing and shaking his head. He was making fun of her and she should be furious but she knew she was being ridiculous. When Sirius had stopped filling up the room with his deep voice he detached himself from her.

"Oh yes, Lillian, your horrible, insensitive husband who left you all alone on a bright day like today was worried about you feeling anxious about being alone and asked me to come keep you company. I hope that's alright."

Lily smiled up at her old friend, practically glowing.

"Sirius, you know you're welcome here any time you want. You and James might have been friends long before I paid attention to either of you but this is your home as well as mine. I couldn't be happier that you're here. Of course, I'm afraid to say I'm rather boring today, I was just in the middle of sending a letter via Muggle post to my sister, Petunia."

She gestured towards the desk where her letter still sat. Sirius followed her gesture and stepped forward examining the strange phenomena.

"Well you know, Lily, growing up in a pure-blood family I didn't get much exposure to anything related to Muggle society so I would love nothing more than to help you with that task."

Grinning at her new found companion she expressed her gratitude and went about explaining to him how the postman wasn't like owls, you couldn't just tell him who to take it to and he would get it there, you have to write out their entire address and name on the envelope if it was going to get there. And you had to put postage on a letter.

"And so you caught me right before I put the stamp on...But I seem to have none left up here. I think I have some down in a drawer in the kitchen though, so let's head down there shall we?"

She smiled at Sirius and picking up her letter in one hand and taking his hand with the other she led him out of the room and down the stairs. Once in the kitchen she set the letter on the kitchen counter, beginning to fumble through various drawers looking for postage stamps she was sure must be somewhere. Finally locating a booklet of stamps with pictures of little daisies on them she pulled out enough to cover the postage of her letter. Showing Sirius how to lick the back of the stamps and apply them, Lily laughed at the face he made when he tasted the glue. Once the stamps were applied she shook her head still chuckling to herself, moving the letter to the table. Sirius seemed to be watching her every move so she was sure he was very interested in this procedure.

"Well that's all we have to do, until the postman comes in a little bit. Then I'll give it to him and he'll bring it to the main office where they'll sort it out and send it to Petunia's house. Would you care for some tea? Or maybe some Butterbeer to wash out that taste?"

Sirius was still smacking his lips and trying to rid himself of the taste of the stamps. That was one thing he would never be tricked into again. Lily couldn't help herself, she laughed at him again, quickly quieting herself when he shot her a look of foreboding. The glare did not last long; it quickly turned into a smirk and a laugh. That deep laugh that Lily loved hearing so much, it made her feel safe, comfortable.

"Tea's fine, Lily, thank you."

So Lily went about heating water and making them tea. Sirius didn't really understand why she did things like that, the muggle way, when it would have been so much easier to use magic, but he liked to watch her as she moved around the kitchen. She was so flawless as she moved back and forth, pouring the water once it was boiling and adding the tea bags. He averted his gaze when she turned to ask him about milk or sugar so that she didn't know he was watching her. But that smile was too much to look away from. He had always loved her smile, it opened up her face so much. Smiling back at her he shrugged.

"Surprise me"

Lily rolled her eyes turning back to her task. She could feel his eyes on her but she wasn't perturbed by it. She wondered what he was thinking, slightly self-conscious under his constant gaze but she told herself he was a friend, he loved her, she had no reason to be nervous. So when she walked over to him and handed him his tea with sugar but no milk she flashed him that award winning smiling before turning and returning to her own cup. Gripping her mug between her hands Lily shifted, leaning against the counter trying to get comfortable. She giggled when s he saw the look that Sirius was giving her, like she was crazy. She probably was. And so she stopped shifting. Feeling facetious and evil she smirked at him, tilting her head slightly to the side as she sipped at her tea which had both milk and sugar.

"Why do you watch me, Sirius?"

She knew she caught him off guard; she giggled again when she saw the blood gather in his cheeks but stopped herself not wanting him to feel uncomfortable. Strangely she found herself actually wanting to hear the answer. Sirius looked down at his tea, which was already half finished, and fumbled with it in both hands for a moment before looking up at her grinning his mischievous boy-like grin she knew so well, the one she loved so well.

"Whatever do you mean, Lily dear?"

He wasn't going to give her what she wanted right away. He knew she wants to play this game with him, if she hadn't she wouldn't have brought it up so out of the blue. But Lily didn't like this game, as much as she loved playing it with him. It frustrated her and this was a question she wanted to know the answer to. The answer to this question would answer so many questions. And so she persisted.

"Sirius Black, you know exactly what I mean. I mean why can I always feel your eyes on me when my back is turned? Why do you always watch me? You always have, even at school, even when I was all the way across the Great Hall. Why?"

She eyed at him, not laughing this time, but waiting, waiting to hear if he would give her the answer she wanted. She wasn't even sure what answer she wanted. She knew which one she should want. This was James' best friend for goodness' sake, he had practically shoved them together. Or had he become more distant when they had gotten together? She couldn't remember really. And so she waited, looking him straight in the eyes. Sirius looked sad, he was sad, he was experiencing a pain he hardly knew, one he had suppressed for so long. This was his best friend's wife, his wife, that meant something. But she looked so sincere and curious and she was looking at him so intently with those beautiful green eyes that he couldn't help but answer her in the softest voice she had ever heard him speak in.

"Do you really want to know?"

Lily's heart skipped a beat. Her palm was sweaty and mirroring Sirius as he set his mug on the table she turned and set hers on the counter so as not to let it slip out of her hands. Pursing her lips tight she considered what she should say. She should say no, she should just let the whole thing go. But she knew she couldn't. She had started this and she wanted to finish it. After all this time she had to know.

"Yes."

Her voice was quiet, soft like his. It wasn't one of those conversations where you whisper in fear of someone hearing you but both of them knew that the area they were about to enter wasn't one they should be, it was not appropriate to talk about in normal voices or at all for that matter. Sirius closed his eyes for a moment taking a breath trying to prepare himself. Opening again he saw Lily standing there. She looked so perfect, so flawless, All the feelings he had ever suppressed about James' wife he allowed to come flooding back. All the times he had seen James and Lily together, every time he came to their house and watched them together, how he had yearned to fill James' shoes. He used those memories to gain courage. Lily somehow managed a small smile. That was it. That was all he needed. Closing the gab between them until he was standing mere feet away from her, not trusting himself to go closer, he spoke.

"You're beautiful, Lily. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever known in my entire life...and...I'm in love with you. I've loved you since the day I met you on the Hogwarts Express, even if you were best mates with Severus. I love you. And I know it's wrong and I know I shouldn't but I love you and it gets stronger every day."

He had hurried through this and hadn't looked at her, instead had opted to look around the kitchen. Looking up at her finally he saw confusion and pain in her face, and saw on her the same conflict he had been struggling with for the past eight years. He sucked in a raspy breath followed by a deep sigh. Pursing his lips he shook his head looking down, ashamed.

"I'm sorry..."

Lily looked at him dumbfounded. She couldn't sort this out. He loved her. How could he love her? How was this possible? Why were all these men in love with her? She had thought she was so lucky when she fell in love with James, she had felt so alone after losing Severus and losing Petunia's loyalty on top of that. She was sure she would be alone forever. And then there was James. But would she have felt differently if she had known about Sirius' affections? She couldn't say for certain. She just didn't know. But she knew something clicked when he said that he loved her. Something seemed right but oh so wrong at the same time. She didn't know what to say but she knew she had to say something.

"Really?"

She couldn't believe she just said that. That was so stupid. She wanted to die, right then and there, she wanted to die. But she didn't at the same time. She wanted to touch him, she wanted to feel the love he was talking about she anted him to hold her. For that brief moment of time James was light years away, you couldn't have convinced her that he even existed. It was just her and Sirius. And she needed him to answer.

Sirius had been about to leave, he was actually in the process of turning towards the door, defeated when he heard her speak. Turning back to her, he looked helpless.

"More than anything in the world, Lily"

Lily licked her lips, they were getting dry very quickly and she didn't know why because she had just drained a mug of tea. Her mind was racing. This was insane. This couldn't be happening it had to be a dream. Looking up at him she saw his helplessness, his pain, his conflict and she wanted to ease it. She wanted him to know it was okay. Sirius sighed again quite audibly.

"Listen-"

He was going to tell her to forget it had happened, that he could leave and they could just act like it had never happened. He knew they couldn't but maybe if he said they could enough it would be true. Luckily he didn't have to plead that case to Lily because in the time it had taken him to utter those first two syllables Lily and close the gap between then and thrown her arms around him, kissing him square on the mouth. Her eyes fluttering shut she felt her heart stop for a moment, not out of fear this time but something else. His lips were soft but firm and she could imagine getting lost in entangling her hands in his hair. But mere seconds after she had flung herself at him he forced himself to pull backwards.

"Lily don't do this, you can't do this to me. I'll go insane."

He looked at her pleading with her with his eyes. He wanted to kiss her again, and again, and again, he wanted to hold her and make her feel loved, he wanted to show her how he felt about her instead of just telling her. But he knew he shouldn't, or at least he thought he shouldn't. He pleaded with her to make the right decision, what it was he didn't know. But she didn't either. She wanted to find out what she felt. She didn't know, it was all so new and confusing. She wanted to kiss him again. But she knew she shouldn't. But she didn't know if she could help it. She had felt something when she kissed him that she hadn't felt with James, not ever. She didn't know what it was but she thought that maybe if she kissed him again she might find out. And so she did. But again, Sirius pulled back.

"Lily, I can't do this. If I start I don't know what I'll do."

His words made her scream on the inside and her cheeks to flare red on the outside. She was frustrated and he wasn't helping anything, not with being gorgeous as he always had been, not with saying he loved her, not with pulling away when she tried to kiss him, and definitely not by whispering to her.

"I don't know what I'll do either, Sirius. But I want to find out."

This time she pleaded with him, there was pain in her eyes but he saw something else as well, need, want, he wasn't sure what it was. But he reasoned with himself and told himself that Lily was headstrong and knew what she wanted and he didn't have to look after her. She could do that herself. And so he looked into her eyes again, the ones full of all the feeling that he loved so much and drew on her courage again and kissed her.

Lily could tell he wasn't going to pull away this time and so she lifted up onto her toes and kissed him with all her might, with all the passion she was feeling, with all the questions, with everything she could muster. And it felt good. She let her hands wander up to cradle the back of his head grabbing his hair between her fingers. When he felt this pressure on his head he was driven forward by it. Wraping his arms around her waist he picked her up. Automatically her legs lifted up and wrapped around his waist. She felt herself moving backwards as he walked and set her down on the table top.

Pulling back for a moment he briefly locked eyes with her and for a moment of panic she thought he was going to try to talk his way out of this again, but he only kissed her with more passion than he had before and grabbed the back of her head. The kiss seemed like it was life or death and it was driving her crazy. Reaching forward she took a chance and grabbed at the bottom of his shirt, pulling it right over his head. He didn't have the torso of a Quidditch player like James did but he wasn't far off. Sirius had always taken much care in his appearance. Taking his cue off of her Sirius fumbled clumsily with the buttons of her shirt, undoing them quickly and pushing the blouse off of her, letting it fall to the table. Running his hands up and down her sides he let out just a soft gasp, almost as if just realizing that he was touching the girl of his dreams.

Lily pulled him towards her, prompting him to climb onto the table. In the back of his mind he worried that the table would collapse but he hardly cared at this point. Straddling her at the end of the table he had a hand on either side of her head and was kissing her with all the passion he had been harnessing for their entire friendship. Lily's hands were exploring his figure, finding muscles she hadn't known he had, covering every inch of skin. Slowly the pair began to lower themselves vertically onto the table. In the act of brushing some red locks out of her eyes, Lily accidentally hit the letter to her sister onto the floor. As Sirius' weathered hands carefully moved towards the buttons on Lily's jeans the postman pushed a few bills through the slot in the front door. The letter remained forgotten on the floor.