Don't Mug Yourself

"Don't Mug Yourself"

James leans back in his chair happily recalling his date with Lily Evans the night before. Sirius rolls his eyes as he pours the salt out of its shaker and onto the table. Remus snatches it away from him and places it on his corner of the table, far from his friend's reach.

"Where's Pete?" Sirius asks, breaking into James's non-stop monologue about the wonders of Lily's hair.

"His mum doesn't trust Muggle eateries," Remus says gesturing around the diner.

"Can I have the salt back?"

"No, you're making a mess. The food isn't here yet. You can get it back when it arrives."

"Yes, mum," Sirius says sarcastically. "Why doesn't Pete just stand up to that crazy bat of a mother?"

Remus chuckles.

"Oy! I was talking," James complains. "As I was saying-"

"Jamie!" Sirius snaps. "Listen mate, we know all about Evans and how much she'd love to sit on your face. Shut it already."

"Watch what you-"

The waitress arrives and slides two plates of scrambled eggs and fried tomatoes in front of Sirius and James and a plate of Belgian waffles in front of Remus. Sirius gives the young lady a lascivious wink while Remus smiles and says a polite thank you, James, however, merely stares blankly out of the window, obviously trying to avoid the waitress's eyes.

"James, what was that about?" Remus asks after she had left.

James blinks and looks at Remus. "Oh, well, I'm taken now. I can't go about looking at other birds."

Sirius promptly smacks his best friend upside the head. "You are a stupid, stupid fuck. Moony, food's here." He holds out his hand expectantly.

Remus obediently hands over the salt, and pulls a face as he watches his two friends heap salt onto their poor food. "That's disturbingly unhealthy. Why eat the food at all? Just pour the bloody salt down your throats."

James gives Remus's plate an amused look. "And ruthlessly drowning your waffles is so much better?"

Remus looks down at his plate and shrugs. "One must get a sugar fix from somewhere."

Sirius and James grin and begin to shovel their food into their mouths.

"Wait. Wasn't I talking about Lily?"

Remus and Sirius look at one another and roll their eyes.

"You are pathetic, Potter. Wait, that's a grand new name for you. Forget Prongs. 'Pathetic Potter' has a marvelous ring to it, don't you think, Moony?"

"Yeah, it does seem to fit quite well."

"Sod you both."

"Mate," Sirius says gently prodding James's side with his fork. "You've had a lovely date last night. Evans is finally looking at you as something other than the berk you are -"

"You've fooled her well."

"And you've been driving us mad since we got here! It's the first week of summer holidays and I feel like I'm back in Binns's class!" He fixes his face into a blank expression and talks in a dull monotone. "'Lily's skirt was blue, her green blouse was so soft and she giggles like the rain falls. She touched my arm twelve times before the coffee came.' Honestly, we don't care."

"It was thirteen times, actually. And Lily had tea," Remus corrects him. "With cream and one sugar. Stop looking at me like that. You said it was like being in class. I can't help but pay attention."

"Sod you both!" James grumbles again. "After years of chasing after her she's finally seeing me for the fabulous chap I am and my two best mates can't be happy for me!"

"James, we are happy for you. Lily's grand."

"But! We don't need every detail!"

"Sirius has a point."

James sighs. "It was the best first date in the history of first dates." He stuffs a tomato into his mouth. "Forget you lot. I'm going to give her a ring at her parents' house."

He stands and makes his way to the pay phone.

Sirius and Remus exchange a look.

"Better stop him, mate," Remus suggests as he bites into his waffle.

"Oy! Oy! Oy!" James hollers as Sirius grabs him by the shirt and drags him back to their table where he throws him back into his seat. "What?"

"Hold it down, boy," Remus says with a grin as Sirius leans over James.

"Listen, mate, I know you can't stop thinking of her and we all know you were made for each other."

"As you've been telling us ad nauseum since third year," Remus adds.

"But just don't mug yourself. That's all."

"Don't. Mug. Yourself," Remus repeats, pointing at James with his fork in an effort to punctuate the words.

"Nah, nah, nah, I fuck..." James runs his hand through his hair. "I can take her or leave her. Believe me! I'm just going to see if she had a nice time last night. And, you know, see if she fancies going out again sometime." James's voice dies down as he begins staring out of the window again.

Sirius shakes his head and shoots Remus another look before flicking James's temple. "Quit staring into space and eat your food, that's that."

"He's right. Lily'll like you much more for not hanging on. That's where you went wrong for the past six years. She's finally given you a chance. Stop me if I'm wrong."

James opens his mouth to protest; Sirius shoves a tomato into it. "Why should she be the one who decides whether it's off or on, on or off? Now, she's grand. I know she is. But she's screwed right through you. You'll be proposing soon!"

Remus smirks at this and again gestures with his fork. "Don't. Mug. Yourself."

James groans. "Honestly! It's not like that. You're acting like I'm still following her around and jumping when she claps - stop laughing! I don't! - I'm in control. Perfectly in control."

"Don't mug yourself," Sirius says with a wide grin.

"Oh, shut it. I'm fine. I won't call. OK? Happy now?"

Sirius and Remus nod.

xxx

As Sirius goes to the loo and Remus settles the bill, James shoots a furtive glance around before slithering over to the pay phone.

He digs into his pockets for a bit of Muggle change and dials Lily's number at her folks' house.

"Hullo?" a clipped, nasal voice says over the line.

"Er - hullo! Is Lily there?" James always tries to remember he doesn't have to yell over the phone, but he speaks loudly regardless.

A groan and then a short, muffled, "It's that boy."

"Thanks, Pet," Lily's voice says sarcastically. "Hullo, Potter," she says into the phone cheerfully.

"LILS! Er-" He clears his throat and continues in a quieter voice. "Just wanted to - er -"

"James, are you all right?" she asks with a giggle.

He clears his throat again. "Lily ... um... Did you - I mean - Would you like to maybe... perhaps go out again sometime? Like Friday? Or Saturday? Sunday's good too... I mean, options are open - for you to... you know... choose."

"How's Friday at seven?" Lily offers calmly.

James grins and tries to remain calm but fails instantly. "YES! Er - I mean -" He clears his throat yet again. "Sure. Ok." He sees Sirius exit the loo and head for the till and Remus. "Er - listen, can I call you back?"

Lily giggles. "Sure. And, Potter. Practice what you're going to say a bit more, eh?" she teases.

James laughs easily. "I'll try. Talk to you later then, Lils."

"Bye."

"Bye." He hangs up the phone and sighs contentedly as he leans his head against the wall.

"He did it," comes Remus's voice behind him.

"He's mugged himself," Sirius confirms.

James turns to look at his two friends. "Pads, when was your last girlfriend?"

Sirius balks. "Girlfriends! Bah! Hook-ups. Birds are only good for forty-five minute intervals."

James chuckles and rolls his eyes. "And you, Moony?"

Remus scuffs his toe against the floor. "Well, there was Susanna..."

"Who dropped you after three dates due to your cheating on her with your first love, the library." James looks from Remus to Sirius. "So, do you know what that means?"

"What?" they say in unison.

"You two know less about birds than I do. At least I have Lily where you two have-" He makes a rude gesture with his hand. "So, shut it."

James flicks both of their foreheads and sets off with a satisfied grin on his face.

-The End-

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