The Process of Elimination (Who am I?)

Chapter 3

Hmmm.

You still think that you know me?

I don't think so!

Sure, I may have let slip a few hints...both of my parents are alive and well...I'm an Animagus- a bird Animagus- though just what type of bird Animagus will be revealed later...Voldemort seemed to know that I'm a good friend of Harry's...a very good friend of his...the fact that I'm not Harry in the first place...the fact that I don't cringe whenever someone says 'Voldemort' and the fact that I say his name myself...the fact that that Son of a Bitch cursed me and I'll have this curse for the rest of my life...the fact that my good friend, Ginny Weasley is dead and it's all my fault...

Am I still who you think I am?

So you still think you know me?

We'll see.

Let's see just how much you really know...

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I was shaken awake by Harry that afternoon.

"What're you doing here?" I asked, confused.

"You were screaming in your sleep," he said, "and I wanted to see if you were all right. I heard about you running out of your NEWT...what happened?"

"Nothing," I snapped. The truth was, I was embarrassed. That had been happening a lot lately- only the specially concocted potion that Professor Snape had brewed for me on orders from Madam Pomfrey would help to calm it. I had flown into Dumbledore's office that afternoon, not so long ago, and he had immediately known that I had been cursed. After all, mountain eagles don't just suddenly glow blue all of their own accord, do they?

Upon discovering that there was no counter curse, Dumbledore had immediately escorted me to the hospital wing to try and find an antidote; if not that, at least a medicine that would control the symptoms.

Not wanting the school to see me as a glowing blue human, Dumbledore had taken me to the hospital wing as an eagle, nearly giving Madam Pomfrey a heart attack when she saw me transform back into my real self.

I was there for hours, taking potions and being subject to many spells. I was throwing up, fainting, getting about a million nosebleeds and, my least favourite; I was being stunned over and over to stop the seizures that had suddenly sprung up.

Finally, Dumbledore, McGonagall, Pomfrey and Snape came up with a potion that would stop the seizures, nosebleeds, the blue glow, the vomiting and just convert the fainting into a mild dizziness. The potion had to be taken every twenty-four hours, on the hour, or else I would regain the symptoms.

Unfortunately, the seizures, (which felt an awful lot like the Cruciatus Curse) had started up again and I could only now get a strong dose of some vile-smelling plant to make them subside. But even that wasn't helping much anymore; it only really made them less severe. They still came, and quite frequently. Dumbledore had agreed to let me stay so that I could finish my NEWTs, but only until the school year ended.

I looked back to Harry, who was staring into my eyes. I looked away, suddenly ashamed.

"I know," he whispered softly. Panicked, I looked up to him with wide, dark eyes, only to find love, sympathy and compassion in his own sparkling green ones.

"I know that Ginny died trying to save you," he continued softly. I looked away, the tears that had suddenly sprung up, threatening to fall. "I put two and two together," he said. "I saw how Ron all of a sudden hated you, and how you took her death harder than any of us...and how you were getting sick...I just had Dumbledore confirm it for me." He finished. A tear trickled down my cheek. Harry sat beside me.

"It's not your fault," he whispered softly. I looked up at him in surprise and anger.

"How could you say that?" I shouted. "It is! It I-"

My eyes grew wide and that all too familiar feeling came over me. I ran over to the entrance of the common room, forced it open and bolted to the nearest toilet where I vomited the usual thick, vile, blue-glowing, putrid-smelling liquid that always forced itself out of me.

Harry, who had raced after me, sat down beside me as I slid down the wall and cried. He put his arm around me and began to comfort me, which only made me feel worse.

"Just go!" I cried. "Leave me alone!"

Harry hesitated. "But-"

"No!" I screamed, beginning to glow blue again. "Leave! Don't you ever say that it wasn't my fault! I hate you for saying that! I hate you!"

"You don't mean that," he begged, his eyes afraid and pleading.

"I do! I do mean it! I hate you! It was my fault! I killed her! I KILLED GINNY WEASLEY!" He grabbed me by the wrists and looked me straight in the eye.

"Don't you ever say that again!" he cried. "Ever! It was not your fault!" I looked away from him, sobbing, and my heart wretched.

"I killed her," I whispered. "I should be dead...why is she dead, and not me?" I asked Harry. "Please, tell me!" I begged. He shook his head and took me in his arms.

"It wasn't your fault, no matter what anyone says," said Harry. "You...you were just a victim of circumstance. You were there, and that was nobody's fault. You were just the lucky one because you were able to get away and because she was willing to give her life for you."

"Lucky?!" I shrieked. "LUCKY?! If I'm so lucky, then why the hell am I still here?" I sobbed. "Why the hell does Ron hate me if it isn't my fault?"

"Ron's only angry because his sister is dead and he wants to take it out on someone...and you just happen to be it." Harry replied. I shook my head. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't believe it. Then the pain came back...I felt another seizure coming on...

I stood up suddenly, then fell back to the floor as the pain seared through my head, taking over my body...I needed to die...I wanted to die...the pain was just too much...I couldn't take it anymore! I began to jerk wildly, the pain going through my body like electric shocks. Harry tried to restrain me- he tried hard- but I broke away from him: I just lay on the ground, thrashing wildly as the pain pulsated through my body. He tried again, grabbing for my arms, straddling me so that I wouldn't kick him. I tried to tell him to let go, that he would get hurt if he kept holding on, but my pleas just came out as short, pained cries.

Then finally, he just let me go.

When it stopped, I pulled myself up, leaning against the cubicle wall as I gasped for breath. He looked over to me, also gasping for breath.

"We've got...to...to get...to get you...to the hospital...wing," he gasped. "You need help." I shook my head stubbornly. Harry got up.

"Don't...even...think about it," I wheezed. He pointed his wand at me.

"I'm going," he said firmly. "Don't you dare move or else I'll put the Imperius Curse on you!" I glared at him as he ran out the door. I slumped back down and burst into a fresh bout of tears. Why me? Why couldn't I have just died? Ginny shouldn't have died...it should have been me. Damn Harry for doing this to me! Damn them all!

That was when I made the decision. I had to die. I had to. It wasn't fair that I had to have this curse for the rest of my life- it wasn't fair that Ginny died and I didn't...and it was the only way I could end my pain.

Sobbing, I took the pocket knife from my robes pocket and pressed the cold, hard metal against the warmth of the flesh on my right wrist. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I gently ran the blade along my wrist, slicing across the blue veins. I felt my hand and arm become wet with gushing blood as I curved the blade and carved my wrist in the other direction.

I twisted and turned the blade, running it all over the inside of my wrist, as if cutting to an invisible design, a transparent lace pattern. I opened my eyes and my heart lurched as I saw my torn inner right arm. The blood poured out of my arm and onto the rest of me, staining my robes.

But I knew that if I wanted to do the job properly I had to cut my other wrist. I took another deep breath.

I took the blade in the other hand and started to slice my left wrist, yet again following an invisible lace pattern, not stopping until it was just as torn as the other one.

Then finally, I stopped.

As I gazed down at my wrists I started to sob. I felt so cold...so alone...feeling faint, I started to drag myself out of the cubicle and into the one down the end, behind which was a secret passage where I could die peacefully.

Finally, I made it. I was about to press the switch when Harry called my name...I didn't answer; I held my breath, hoping that he wouldn't see me.

I ran out of luck.

Harry dashed past the cubicles, knocking open each of the doors, but stopped dead short when he reached mine.

"Oh my God," he murmured. I smiled weakly. "Oh my God, what did you do?!" he cried.

"It's all my fault..." I murmured. "I needed to...I need to..." I trailed off. I couldn't finish.

"Ron!" he called. "RON!" Ron came skidding to a halt in front of the cubicle.

"I- I'm sorry I killed her," I said weakly. "I don't blame you for hating me."

"I don't hate you!" cried Ron. "I just- she just-"

Apparently he couldn't finish, either.

"Let's get her to the hospital wing," said Harry hurriedly. Ron nodded.

"No..." I replied weakly. I coughed. I felt so faint, so cold, so...so-

Then everything went black.

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