Framboise et Coquelicot

Chapter 4: To hold and protect

.

On Monday morning Lily was still angry with herself for acting like a simpleton in front of Professor Raven. And, no matter how hard Marian tried to make conversation at breakfast, it was mostly one-sided.

The only positive point was that, according to the timetables pinned on the notice board, she didn´t have Duelling until Thursday, Lily thought while stirring her cold porridge listlessly in her bowl. If she were lucky, Raven would have forgotten all about the incident by then. Lily fervently hoped so in any case. She knew that she would need a perfect record in Duelling to enter the Auror Training Program. A special recommendation from her professor would come in handy too.

Professor Raven hadn´t come down to breakfast yet, and Lily took this as a good thing, even if it wasn´t surprising since it was still quite early and the Great Hall was practically empty. Not wanting to push her luck, and not very hungry anyway, she asked Marian if she wanted to head to Transfiguration now. Her friend nodded her assent and snatched one last piece of toast from the table as they stood up.

"I never thought I would see the day you wanted to arrive early to Transfiguration," she said, her mouth full. "McGonagall first thing on a Monday morning isn´t exactly my idea of fun."

Lily didn´t want to reveal the real reason for their early departure from the Great Hall. She hadn´t told Marian of her run-in with Raven yet, and she didn´t plan to do so in the immediate future.

"There´s a first time for everything," she simply said.

They arrived in front of the classroom half an hour early and the door was closed and Marian slid down to the floor and leaned against the wall. She looked through her bag and took out some sheets of parchment and the self-refilling quill Lily had given her for her thirteenth birthday.

Lily looked at the words, numbers and fractions covering the pages.

"Is this your Potions project?" she asked, surprised.

Their Potions professor, Septimus Moor, had given them the project in their first lesson but they had all year to complete it. They were to create their own potion, inventing their own formula, and they also had to explain why they chose to work on that particular potion. The goal was not necessarily to end up with a perfect result but to do some extensive research and manage to find all the ingredients needed and their approximate quantity. It was a long and arduous work but Marian had clearly spent a lot of time on it already.

"Yes, I had a brainstorm yesterday and I started writing while it was still fresh in my mind."

"It seems as if you did more than start," Lily said, sitting down next to her friend, her eyes scanning the papers. Marian had apparently found quite a few of the ingredients she would need already, and she had made several different calculations for the proportions in which they were to be used. "What kind of potion are you trying to make?" she asked curiously. She was familiar with all the ingredients listed on the page but she couldn´t see what their combination would produce.

Marian flushed a bit. "I... it´s... I don´t want to tell you just now. I´m not sure it can be done at all. It probably can´t, actually, but I still want to try it."

It was not like Marian to be shy like that, she usually never kept anything from her friends. But Lily knew better than anyone how to respect a person´s privacy.

"That´s alright," she said, "you can tell me when you want to, or when you need someone to test it."

"You don´t mind me not telling you?" Marian asked, surprised.

Lily shook her head, smiling, and Marian laughed.

"You´d better be careful, you know, I might be tempted to take you up on your offer. It´s not everyday you see someone willing to risk being poisoned by an incompetent lunatic!"

"I don´t think I´d be taking any risks," Lily answered. "You´re top of the class in Potions. Severus Snape would worship the ground you walk on if you weren´t a Gryffindor! And you´ll probably end up Potions mistress when old Moor retires."

Marian went red as a tomato at her friend´s sincere compliments. She mumbled something about Snape hating her and being better than her in Potions before lowering her eyes to her notes.

Lily leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes. They passed time in friendly silence until the first students arrived. She quickly stood up and helped Marian to her feet when she saw they were Slytherins. It wasn´t a good idea to be at any disadvantage when people belonging to Gryffindor´s rival house were around.

Marian swiftly tucked her notes and quill safely back in her bag as McGonagall arrived. The Transfiguration teacher always arrived five minutes before the beginning of the lesson. She would sit at her desk, going through her papers while the students filled the classroom. When the lesson was due to begin, she would close the door with a wave of her wand and the unlucky latecomers had to stay outside, waiting for the class to finish so they could explain themselves. They usually ended up with a detention. McGonagall was a very strict teacher, but she was also always fair, and thus respected.

"Lily!"

Lily, who had been about to enter the classroom with Marian, turned her head to see Sirius Black walking quickly towards her. James, Remus and Peter were following close behind. She moved out of the doorway and looked expectantly at Sirius.

"I wanted to give it to you at breakfast, but you weren´t in the Great Hall when we came down," he said, rummaging through his bag.

Lily tried not to notice the various suspicious-looking things Sirius pulled out and gave to Remus to hold as he searched for `it´ in his magically-altered bottomless school bag. He would spend half the year in detention if she were to report them.

"Ah! Here it is!" He pulled a thick book out and handed it to her. "You should be able to finish your essay easily now."

The title, Animagi: A History, was plainly visible on the brown cover and Lily was painfully aware of the fact that James could see it too. After her adamant refusal of any kind of help the other day, she hadn´t wanted him to know about it. She felt like she had betrayed James somehow and was thoroughly ashamed of herself. She chanced a glance at him but quickly turned back to Sirius when she saw the thunderous look in his eyes.

"Thank you, Sirius," she said, grabbing the book and shoving hastily into her own bag.

"No problem. It´s due back to the Library next week, Restricted section."

Lily nodded and nearly ran into the classroom, Marian in tow. They sat down in their usual seats, toward the back of the room. It was a much better place to be than the front when your semi-Transfigured shoe was trying to run away on its four furry legs.

"What was that all about?" Marian asked as the classroom door closed abruptly in the face of Rebecca Avery. Lily wasn´t sorry for the girl: she was in Slytherin and known for her hatred of Gryffindor House - a Mudblood shelter, in her opinion.

"Later," Lily mouthed as McGonagall started reading the register.

Her eyes drifted to James after her name was called. He was in his usual place too, between Sirius and Remus, second row from the front, a bit to her right. She could only see his profile and couldn´t gauge his real mood, but, his strained `Here´ as McGonagall called his name, told her everything she wanted to know. She resolved to try to avoid him for at least the rest of the day, possibly for the rest of the week.

*******************************

Lily bolted to the door as soon as the lesson was finished and Marian had to run to catch her.

"Is there something between you and James?" she asked.

Lily started and looked nervously around her to see if anyone had heard. The coast was clear. "Lower you voice, will you," she whispered through her clenched teeth. "Of course there isn´t anything between James and me. Where did you get that ludicrous idea?"

"Well, he looked kind of angry when Sirius gave you that book," Marian whispered back. "I know you´ve noticed: you´re trying to avoid him. It doesn´t take a genius to work out something´s wrong."

"It´s nothing serious, I´ve just been stupid, nothing new or remotely interesting here." Lily picked up her pace to notify the end of the conversation.

Marian kept up with her and paid no attention to Lily´s unwillingness to discuss the subject. "We have Divination now, and it´s a long walk to the North tower. There´s plenty of time for you to tell me that uninteresting story of yours."

One look at her friend´s decided expression spurred Lily into telling her everything. She really needed her advice anyway.

"So," she said when she had finished her story, "do you think I should speak to James, to tell him that I was struck dumb by Sirius´ offer and didn´t even think about refusing? Or is hiding the best solution?"

The two friends stopped under the trapdoor leading to the Divination classroom.

"Well, if you speak to James to tell him that..." Marian said slowly, while starting up the ladder.

"Yeah...even to me it sounds pathetic," Lily sighed, following her friend. "Hiding seems the best option then."

"Actually I was going to suggest letting him cool off for a few hours and then speaking to him. You should be able to come up with something better than what you suggested. It´ll be hard though; you were really stupid."

Lily hoisted herself on the floor and followed Marian to two huge and squashy armchairs on the side of the room.

"Hiding shouldn´t be necessary," Marian continued as she sat down. "This little incident is probably nothing compared to the, err... Astronomy Tower debacle."

Lily frowned at the mention of the `Astronomy Tower debacle´, as Marian liked to call it. She didn´t like being reminded of the cause of her biggest fight with James. She plopped down in the bright green chair next to her friend. "But he still looked pretty angry to me," she said a bit hesitantly. "I´ve messed things up royally."

"Well, it´s not the first time and it certainly won´t be the last," Marian said cheerily. "You´re still alive, so there´s nothing to worry about."

"Thanks Marian, you´re a true friend," Lily said sarcastically. "I would have liked -" She stopped as the trapdoor opened and the other students started to trickle in. When she spoke again, her voice was hushed so as not to be overheard. "I would have liked more moral support," she hissed.

"But I´ve been giving you moral support!" Marian protested. "You got out of sticky situations with James before and you´ll do it again this time." She smiled comfortingly - Lily took the matter much too seriously in her opinion. "Speaking of the devil..." she added, jerking her chin toward the trapdoor.

Lily twisted in her chair and saw James graciously extracting himself from the hole. Quidditch really had its advantages, she thought not for the first time. She would have liked to get out of the trapdoor in that graceful way. He chose a seat at the other end of the room, but directly facing hers. Remus, who also took Divination, followed and sat down next to him. Lily bit her lower lip nervously as he began to stare at her, as if trying to will some information into her mind. She had no doubt that, whatever it was, it wasn´t anything pleasant. She glanced uneasily at Marian for support but her friend was looking in another direction. She followed her gaze and her eyes came to rest on the unfamiliar figure of a thin witch dressed in extravagant clothes with what seemed to be twice her body weight in bracelets and chains. She looked quite young and wore a pair of glasses which made her eyes look huge. She took a few steps forward and her jewellery clinked a bit. All in all, she looked like an overgrown cricket.

"I am sorry to say my father won´t be able to teach you the secrets of the Inner Eye for a few weeks," the strange woman said in a misty voice. "He has been called away to a place where his gift will be most needed, and I will take over his classes in his absence."

There were whisperings amongst the students. The unexpected departure of the old crack-pot Trelawney wasn´t totally unwelcome, but his daughter seemed even worse. The way she said `the Inner Eye´ as if it held all the answers of the universe...

"My name is Sybill Trelawney," their temporary professor went on, starting to walk around the room. "Today we will work with something simple so I can evaluate you." She waved her hand, her bracelets ringing, and crystal balls appeared on the little tables between the chairs.

"Now, before you start clearing your Inner Eyes of all parasitic emotions, I need to call all your names so I can get acquainted with you."

Lily sighed. It was going to be a long lesson. James had stopped staring at her but she knew he was biding his time. She´d have to be quick again at the end of the lesson; she didn´t want to confront him just yet. When the Cricket had finished with the register, Lily turned to her crystal ball and stared into it. She soon stopped when all she could see was James´ face as it had been when he had seen the book Sirius was giving her.

"Your turn," she muttered to Marian as she sat back into her chair. She looked sulkily around her and noticed that Trelawney seemed to take a great interest in James and Remus´ ball. The boys looked quite uncomfortable, and Remus discretely made `crazy´ signs to James over her head. James rolled his eyes and scooted further away in his chair as Trelawney leaned even closer to him, presumably to peer deeper into the ball.

"Looks like Trelawney Jr. finds James´ Inner Eye to her taste," Marian snickered.

Lily grinned. The look on James and Remus´s faces was priceless.

The sound of ringing bracelets was heard again as Sybill Trelawney waved her hand absently. "You can go now," she said in her misty voice. "I have seen something of the utmost importance in Mr Potter´s crystal ball and I need to concentrate on it."

The students didn´t need to be told twice, and they hastily left the classroom. A few sympathetic glances were cast in the direction of James and Remus, who didn´t look very happy at this turn of events.

"Do you want to go to the Great Hall and have lunch now?" Marian asked when they got to the bottom of the ladder.

"No, I´m not hungry. I think I´ll go back to the dormitory and catch up on some work."

Marian looked at Lily suspiciously. "Are you sure you´re alright? You didn´t eat anything at breakfast and now you want to skip lunch..."

"I´m perfectly alright," Lily answered with a smile. "Don´t worry about me."

"If you´re sure..." Marian didn´t look very convinced.

"Of course I´m sure, silly! Go and get your lunch now, I´ll be fine."

"I´ll bring you something back when I´m finished," Marian said over her shoulder as she walked away.

The Divination students had wasted no time in leaving the corridor and Lily was left alone. As she walked back to Gryffindor Tower, she felt her shoulders sag. She knew she was pushing her friend away and she felt like the most horrible and egotistical person on the planet. Marian wasn´t fine and she needed support; she hadn´t got over what had happened this summer, and it was slowly eating her away inside. But Lily was such a wreck herself that she couldn´t see how she would be able to help her friend. Her previously small and ordered little world had been disintegrating over the last few years, and she had only been made aware of it a few months ago. Now it was too late to reconstruct. She would have to let go and build something new. But God, it was hard.

*********************************

`The extreme difficulty and danger of performing the transformation are the reasons for the very limited number of Animagi roaming the Wizarding world. But it has not stopped some reckless wizards from trying it, with disastrous results.´

"Definitely not for me," Lily muttered as she finished the introduction written by the author of Animagi: A History. She turned the page to the first chapter: `The Misadventures of Marcus Goodman, or What a Sensible Wizard Should Never Do´. As she started to read, Lily was glad she had decided to skip lunch. She would surely have thrown up at the detailed descriptions of said `misadventures´.

A sudden bright flash of green light shone from under the dormitory door and Lily started badly as it flew opened and crashed loudly into the stone wall. She only knew of one person who would intrude upon her privacy like that. And it was the very person she had wanted to avoid by locking herself into her dorm while everyone was down in the Great Hall for lunch. And, judging from the power contained in that blast, he was still extremely angry.

She swallowed nervously as James strode into the room, stopping a few feet from the bed, looking down at her. From her position, sprawled on her stomach on top of the bed, he looked quite menacing.

Lily shook herself mentally. She wasn´t afraid of James Potter. She slid off the bed slowly and got to her feet, deciding that it was as good time as any to apologise, and she tried to direct the conversation onto friendly ground.

"Don´t you knock?" she asked lightly. "It´s very impolite to blast your way into a room like that, you know."

James´ eyes flashed dangerously. "Impolite?" he repeated in a voice so low and unlike him that Lily had every trouble to keep her smile from wavering. "And what do you call it when someone rejects an offer of help from a supposedly trusted friend, only to run and ask someone else behind said trusted friend´s back?"

Lily instinctively reached for a bedpost and gripped it tight. She had never been afraid of James before, but then she had never seen him like this; it was a James she didn´t know. He was so still he looked like a statue: cold, emotionless, foreign. All his feelings seemed to be concentrated in his eyes, which were fixed on her. His left arm was still raised, wand at the ready. The small portion of Lily´s brain that was still functioning told her that it couldn´t be all about that Transfiguration book - she had done worse things to him and he had never got in state like this - but she was too confused and shaken to pay attention to it.

She pulled her hand away from the bedpost with difficulty; the two seemed glued together. She started walking hesitantly toward James. Her robes brushed lightly against the Gryffindor-red coverlet as she skirted round her bed, and the soft rustling sound was curiously soothing. Any doubt she might have had about what she was going to do vanished. She was conscious of James´ eyes on her, but she walked deliberately and purposefully.

James didn´t say a word and didn´t move the smallest muscle as he watched her approach, not even when she stopped only a few inches from him.

Now almost touching him, she could feel powerful vibes radiating from his still body, and it was strangely electrifying, almost erotic. She took a deep breath - she knew she needed to do this, or their friendship would be broken beyond repair. It had been stretched and twisted during the past few months, and the breaking point had come. She wouldn´t let it happen. She was going to do a very selfish act and she was aware of it. But she needed him badly; she had to have someone to lean on and to help her.

Looking into his eyes, she took his right hand in her smaller one and delicately brought it just above her left breast, against her heart. She knew he could fell it beating erratically. Something flickered in his eyes and he slowly lowered his left arm to his side.

"Why does it have to be like this, James? We were never really close, but we used to have a wonderful and easy friendship, and you don´t know how much it meant to me. What happened to us?"

Lily could see conflicting emotions she couldn´t identify pass through his blue eyes. She was so distraught she couldn´t even read a single one, not that it would have been very easy in the first place.

But he still didn´t move or speak.

"I want it back James," she pleaded. "Tell me what I have to do."

Even without her gift, Lily should have been able to see the total look of despair and helplessness that he couldn´t hide after hearing her pleas. As it was, she didn´t see anything. She started to tremble uncontrollably as she took his hand away from her chest and let it fall back to his side. She felt so alone all of the sudden, so desperately alone. Tears came to her eyes as great waves of formerly repressed emotions and fears came crashing down on her.

For the first time in her sixteen years of life, Lily Evans crumbled.

She threw herself against James and embraced him tightly, never wanting to let go of his comforting warmth. She was crying freely now and she felt him tense, but he didn´t pull away.

"Please James, I want it back," she sobbed into his shoulder. "I need it back. I´m so afraid, you don´t know how afraid I am."

Through her loud sobs she vaguely heard James closing the door with his wand. She felt him slide a hand under her knees and lift her in his arms. She felt him put her gently on her bed. She felt him lying down next to her, holding her. She felt him caress her hair... She was surprised at how many things she felt in her seemingly numb body...

"Tell me what you´re afraid of, Lily."

James´ voice was so soft, so gentle, so comforting. Lily found herself spilling out everything. How she was tired of being strong; how she was afraid for her family, her friends, herself; how she was terrified of the rise of Voldemort and the Muggle-born persecution; how she sometimes felt so alone it hurt... She told him everything.

When she had finished, James said nothing. He just held her tighter and let her cry herself to sleep.