Stupid Boys

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 7: TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS

Boredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredbored. So bored. Lily sighed and pulled back the slingshot to rest against her cheek. She had a fork full of peas and she wasn't afraid to use it, but one very important factor was still to be resolved- who to splat? Sirius? Potter? Hmmm...Potter was being extremely annoying.

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

'Yes,' she decided, 'Potter definitely deserves to feel the wrath of the peas.' Maybe it'd shut him up. Maybe it'd make him suddenly develop the mentality of someone over 5 years old. She could hope. Besides, even if it didn't work it'd still be damn funny!

She took a deep breath, steadied her firing arm and concentrated on the aim. Lily was ready to go, ready to shoot when-

Shit.

Sirius had elbowed her hard in the ribs as he plonked himself into the seat next to her and her arm had been jolted suddenly. The catapult that had been so carefully directed at James had swiftly altered positions and in her surprise Lily let go.

She was strangely calm compared to how she usually dealt with these situations- with panic- and simply watched in a numbed state of shock as the peas shot over an oblivious James' shoulder, sailing for what seemed like forever, in a great arc across the Hall and hit a disgruntled-looking Professor right between the eyes.

Lily gulped down her alarm and quickly ducked her head as the victim scoured the room angrily for the culprit. She dispensed of the weapon responsible, picked up a spoon and hastily began to shovel pumpkin soup into her mouth at an alarming rate.

Then the panic arrived on the late train. Yes, it'd been held up a bit at 'Ignoring-It-Ville' and 'In-Shock-Town' but it had finally made it just in time to see McGonagall charge across the room.

As the formidable teacher neared them plans and ideas ran through Lily's mind, breaking the speed limit for coherent thought. Did McGonagall know it was her? Could she go back in time and change it? What about 'obliviate'? No. It was the simple plans that worked the best.

"Sirius, why don't you try the peas? Go on, they're really nice...In fact, have mine." Ok, it was a bit mean to implicate the not guilty but Lily had decided that the best way to prove her innocence was to prove someone else's guilt. Come on, it wasn't as though he didn't deserve it! Just that morning in Herbology he'd thrown a bucketful of dirt at Lily and found it hysterically funny. The boy was a moron! And he had read her diary.

The plan worked as the indignant Professor marched straight past her and up to Sirius who froze as she approached, a spoon full of peas half way to his mouth and a befuddled look on his face.

At that point in time Lily started to believe what Sirius had always said- she was evil. She must have been because she found it highly entertaining to see The Stupid One being dragged out of the Great Hall for a crime that for once he hadn't committed.

But she soon got bored again...

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

"Go out with me."

"No."

'Ah!'

she suddenly remembered, her eyes lighting up and her mind jumped into action. 'I was going to pea Potter, wasn't I?' Finally she had something to do that didn't involve wondering how Dumbledore kept his hair so shiny!

She loaded up her spoon carefully and cast a suspicious glare over her shoulder- if she was caught this time she'd be done for. But the coast was clear so the mash potato sailed across the table with just a flick of her wrist.

James stopped mid-asking her out and stared in astonishment. After a moment he slowly wiped his splattered glasses to see her evil grin beaming at him. He was quick to grab a handful of ice cream and lob it across the table but she was quicker. She ducked and was just about to give a triumphant cheer when she heard the splat.

Potter was dead now.

The whole of the enemy house turned to glare at him as if they were one giant entity, under the command of the Slytherin who had been splattered- Malfoy. It seriously creeped Lily out and she decided that they must shared a brain between the lot of them- either that or they had a psychic link. Or they could be Borg drones and Malfoy was the Borg Queen! She was, however, distracted from her growing ever more ludicrous theories as a rain of pumpkin pastries descended on the Gryffindors.

Lily decided that maybe it hadn't been that fantastic an idea to start another food fight. Last time she'd got so close to being discovered McGonagall had actually been half way through giving her a detention and cursory lecture before she could think up a reason why all of it was Sirius' fault. That had been close, too close.

Lily dodged a lethal-looking banana that was aimed at her head and quickly dived under the table, thinking that that was probably the best time to make a hasty retreat. Yes, she was wimping out, but who wanted to stay and get drenched in pumpkin soup?

So she made her way on hands and knees under the table towards freedom from food and dreadful noise of her classmates, people she knew, had worked alongside, dropping like flies due to too many pumpkin pastries to the head. She had just jumped up, dusted herself down and began to creep away from the horrific war zone when she felt heavy hands land upon her shoulders and spin her around.

Potter grinned at her, infuriatingly. "Where do you think you're going? You started it, therefore I must finish it." That was when, to her horror, she noticed both the manic gleam in his eyes and the custard pie he had lifted from the table.

"You dare, moron, and I will personally make sure you burn in Hell you- you- you scruffy-looking scoundrel!" she fumed. Ok, she had started it but she couldn't take that from Potter lying down. Who would just allow some Stupid Boy to shove a pie in their face with no resistance whatsoever?

Once again James just laughed, not in the least perturbed by her warnings. Once upon a time he would've weed his pants at such a threat from her but over the years he'd had too many violent promises off her to believe anything she said anymore. "You didn't use to be angry at me all the time. What have I done?"

She almost screamed in his face. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong? What about, hmm, pranking her horribly? Or kissing her? Annoying her? God, he even bloody serenaded her! But she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of blowing up at him. "Excuse me, I am not angry. I am righteously indignant, thank you very much!" she said in a controlled voice, using all her will power. "And if you can't figure out what you've done you're stupider than you look. No...sorry, that would be pretty impossible, wouldn't it?" With that last cutting insult she began to turn away but was held back by a firm grip. "For God's sake! What is it now?"

"Go out with me?" He raised his eyebrows hopefully. It was worth a shot- after all, what could he lose? Knowing Evans, probably the ability to procreate but what the Hell... It actually looked like she wasn't going to either: a) hit him; b) ignore him; or c) hit him hard enough to knock him out. She was smiling and leaning in and he was dreaming and he wasn't and he couldn't believe it...

Lily moved closer to James, batted her eyelashes and utterly captivated him. She took the pie out of his hand, disarming him and he was oblivious as she lifted the large jug over his head. As soon as she tipped it, he jumped out of his spell and took upon the disappointed yet still slightly impressed look of a man who knew he'd been duped.

"Does that answer your question?" Now it was Lily's turn to grin as she watched the gravy drip off the end of his nose. She was quite disturbed to discover that being covered in gravy really did suit him. He looked all messy and annoyed and disappointed and cute- wait! Not cute! No, no, no, never cute. Oh God, she was doing it again. Arguing with herself over James Potter. So she decided to depart while he was still speechless. It was probably the best for everyone if they didn't escalate another one of their fights into something involving her fist and his face, and, lets face it, that was really easy when James was in such an annoying mood and Lily was bored. What a bad combination.

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She knew where she was going. They were all preoccupied with being pelted with pastries or getting shouted at or something so the coast would be clear. The boys dorm. It was the perfect time to search for incriminating evidence. Ok, it was wrong, but really who cares about 'personal privacy' anymore? Black had read her bloody diary! She had every right to rummage through his belongings!

Having convinced herself that it was all perfectly legitimate and in no way sneaky and underhanded, Lily opened the door leading to what would from that time on be referred to as Hell.

She wasn't surprised in the least to discover that it was such a stereotypical teenage boy's room. Posters to drool over, empty chocolate frog packets, bottles of Butterbeer, clothes scattered across the floor, rubbish piled up in a corner, none of the beds made, and Lily could've sworn that it looked (and smelled) like something green and fuzzy had crawled underneath one of the beds to die. In fact, it looked rather like the girls' dormitory, but they would never admit that- girls were meant to be tidy and clean and hygienic and that illusion would always be maintained.

Lily attacked the first pile of junk that she found gathered around one of the beds in hopes of finding some illegal ingredients or something that allowed them to carry out their pranks- maybe a secret map or an invisibility cloak...? However, she found nothing but school notes labelled 'Peter Pettigrew' and she so wasn't interested in him.

The next bed appeared to be Remus' so she left it as it was- he had helped her scare Sirius into stupidly jumping out of the window so he was on her good side at the moment. He didn't need incriminating.

The central bed was where something changed for her. The area surrounding it seemed (marginally) less gruesome than the rest of the room so Lily was immediately suspicious of it. What sort of weirdo boy actually tidied his room?

As she began to rifle through the cabinet beside the bed she was suddenly struck by a wave of guilt that washed through her. What the Hell was she doing rooting around in someone's drawers? How would she like it if someone searched her room? But then her conscience froze mid-guilty thought as she spotted it. It looked like a diary...

Interest piqued (what kind of boy kept a diary?) Lily decided to take a quick peek. It wouldn't hurt, would it? It was the Holy Grail of Holy Grails- she'd finally know what went on inside a boy's head! She wasn't sure she wanted to know but it was too good an opportunity to miss- if it was Sirius' she'd have ammunition to last her years!

So she sat on the soft bed and slowly, gingerly, opened the leather bound book, unknowingly holding her breath.

The first words that greeted her as she selected a page at random were 'Ten Reasons Why Lily Evans Is the Woman for Me' and she slammed it shut again, knowing exactly whose diary it was.

Did she really want to know how his twisted logic worked? She found the answer was 'yes' and opened it at the first page.

'The Trials and Tribulations of James Potter. The Dude with an Attitude.'

Oh dear. It would be a predictable and ever-so tedious insight into a stupid boy's mind. But Lily decided to treat it as a scientific experiment- exactly how idiotic could one boy be without realising his own stupidity? She had no doubt it would be a fascinating study.

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