Stupid Boys

STUPID BOYS

CHAPTER 6: LOSING IT

The poor bunnies. And lions, and tigers, and bears. All gutted. James could've wept for them. It broke his heart to know that he was the cause of the horrible deaths of so many. Even if they were only cuddly toys.

"Prongs, what are you sulking about?" At his mournful expression Remus sighed in exasperation. It must be the bunnies again. Lily had disposed of his gifts most...violently and James had not taken it too well. In fact, he'd insisted on rescuing their remains from a fate worse than death- the Girls dormitory- and giving them a proper burial.

"She killed some more. Why does she hate me? Why won't she swoon at my generous nature and devastating good looks? Why did she have to disembowel Snuffles? He was my favourite and she knew it! I even put a little bow around his neck..."

Remus watched as his friend pouted. What had happened to him? Not long ago he hadn't been this pathetic. He didn't sigh every time you mentioned Evans or anything remotely connected. He didn't insist on dragging them outside at one in the morning to bury the remnants of cuddly toys recently dispatched by Evans. He didn't daydream all the time.

It was just wrong. The Universe had gone insane. No, scratch that, James had gone insane. He should be laughing at Sirius moaning over girls. He should be taking the piss out of Snape all the time. He should be obsessing over Quidditch, not Lily Evans! But Remus was wise enough to know inevitably the change would be for the best- he'd get the real Prongs back sooner or later. Besides, since when has a Marauder resisted the temptation of Slytherin-annoying?

"Hey, Prongs, fancy turning Snape into a ballerina?"

To Remus' complete and utter shock and horror James shook his head

regretfully. "Sorry, mate, but I've got this poem to finish-"

"That's it!" James started at Remus' angry yell and whipped around to stare at his friend in shock. Moony never got mad, even when they had turned his hair green or when they had told Jenna Singleton that he fancied her when he hadn't. She'd followed him around for two weeks smiling at him, but, still, he never said a word. So why was he angry now?

"What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?! What's wrong with you? Are you on drugs? A love potion? What is it?" Remus stared at his fellow marauder whose befuddled expression gave him the look of a very stupid goldfish.

"Huh? Nothing's wrong."

Remus snorted. "Yeah, right Of course nothing's wrong. 'Cos you always write

poetry instead of hexing Snape! It's this Lily thing, isn't it?" He stopped pacing the room and scratched his head, now deep in thought. "It started last month...the black eye...serenading...making me play the tambourine...the poetry...why? Is it for a joke?"

James looked up angrily and said, "Of course it's not a joke. Why would I do that? I'm not that mean!"

"But Lily thinks you are." Now that he had calmed down a bit, Remus was analysing the situation. James asks Lily out, Lily accuses James of pranking her, Lily punches James, James pesters Lily, Sirius giggles a lot and talks about some stupid Operation he's conducting...

"YOU!!" Sirius had slammed the door open and was in mid-run when he froze at the angry shout. He was in complete shock when he saw an angry Remus march towards him. An angry Remus. Not a calm Remus, a thoughtful

Remus, or even a confused Remus, but an angry one? It must be a trick of

the light.

"Moony?"

"It's your fault he's like this!" Remus, uncharacteristically, fumed. "It's all your fault he's this weak, this soppy, this loved-up, this- this- PATHETIC!!"

"Hey!" The lovesick boy in question protested from where he sat on his bed, ignored by his friends.

"Shut up, it's none of your business. This is between me and Sirius," said Remus, rendering James speechless. Since when had his own love life not been any of his business?

"'All your fault'...hmmm...'All your fault'...Are you trying to insinuate something?" Sirius scratched his chin, thoughtfully.

Remus was ruffled. It didn't happen often but this time he was definitely ruffled. No, actually, he was more stinking mad than ruffled. He was so stinking mad that it took every ounce of self control he had to stop himself from strangling Sirius. It was the Moon's fault. It was, after all, 'that time of the month', but, then again, Sirius deserved it. Why shouldn't he die for turning James into a simpering wreck?

Sirius could see that the wolf in him was ready to maim, kill, destroy and was just starting to back away slowly when footsteps could be heard stomping up the stairs to their dorm. He spun around to come face to face with one pissed off Evans and gulped. This didn't bode well.

"Oh, hello, Sirius! Looking a little nervous, are we? It's not anything to do with the fact that you broke one of my rules? Am I right in saying that you told a Ravenclaw girl something that we agreed would result in your injury if you uttered a word about it?" She smiled sympathetically at him.

After all, she had to pity him- he was about to lose his hair.

"No...NO!! H-how did you find out? She promised she wouldn't say anything!" Sirius was now frantically trying to make his mind conjure up an ingenious plan to get him out of the situation in a way that would leave all his body parts- including hair- intact. Unfortunately, his brain had short-circuited the second she'd entered the room. Well, wouldn't yours if faced with the prospect of being scalped?

"She didn't say anything. Never forget, my soon to be bald friend, that I have my sources. I know what you do, when you do it, where you do it. I know who you talk to and what you say. I know what you think." She leaned forward and grinned wickedly. "I know everything."

Sirius stumbled backwards, trying to put as much distance between her and his hair as possible, and bumped into something. He spun, came face to face with a still fairly mad Remus, who was obviously just itching to cause him physical injury, and backed away again, slowly. He stopped dead and looked from one bestial grin to another. Trapped. How had this happened to him? He had simply been rushing to get his magic camera before Malfoy turned flesh-coloured again, when he had been accosted. He hadn't hurt anybody. He hadn't pranked anybody who wasn't Malfoy. Yet still he suffered!

Sirius sighed and did the only thing that a Stupid Boy under pressure could do- he ran.

Straight out the window.

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James ran a frustrated hand across his face and sighed. He was tired. So very tired. He had heard his friends gradually dissolve into snores and mumbled dreams, while he had been left in the land of the living, bored stupid. It had been the same for the past two weeks- tossing and turning, thinking of her. His love. His obsession.

How he hated her.

She was simultaneously the light of his life and the bane of his existence. If you had put him on the spot he wouldn't have been able to name five things he liked about her. However, what he could tell you was what he hated. She punched him, she ignored him, she threatened his best friend and she had even gutted little Snuffles! She was horrible and yet strangely appealing...

It was a comfort to James that Sirius also seemed to be completely screwed up by her, albeit only in the sense that he was scared witness of her, a fact that had been demonstrated just that afternoon. He had jumped out of the window to escape her wrath and was found clinging on to the ledge by his fingertips. Anything to protect his hair.

'What an idiot!' he thought, all the while smiling at his friends inability to deal with girls. James knew that he wasn't much better but at least he didn't jump out of windows anytime a girl threatened him with scissors.

It wasn't hair threats that scared James, though. If she attacked him with a pair of scissors he'd probably welcome it- after all, he was always in need of a free hair cut. No, for him his greatest fear was what she was going to say when she realised that he was serious about her. Would she cry? Would she laugh in his face? Punch him again? He was optimistically hoping for a smile and a kiss but it was, he thought cynically, more likely that she'd announced her undying love for Snape than for him.

Resigned to the fact that sleep wasn't going to come anytime soon, James grabbed his diary- no! NOT his diary! His journal, his manly and completely non-girly journal- grabbed his journal and quill and crept stealthily into the Common Room, careful not to wake anyone up. He sprawled across the sofa by the dwindling fire and thoughtfully surveyed the room, searching for some sort of inspiration, something to make his brain switch into romantic mode.

"Your hair is like the curtains in the Gryffindor Common Room- no, it doesn't exactly have a ring to it...your smile reminds me of a flobberworm- crap...eyes like a snitch, smile like a light switch...rubbish...once, twice, three times a lady- God, so cheesy..." It went on like that for an hour- pen poised, brain frozen. Eventually, James was reduced to stealing lines from bad songs and attempting to use them as his own. He decided to call it quits when he got as far as trying to adapt 'Little Donkey' to fit his purpose. He needed help. He was such a crap poet.

Actually, he was pretty crap at everything. Ok, ok, yes he did get good grades and all that, but he wasn't good at anything important. He wasn't as funny or good-looking as Sirius, he wasn't as laid-back or cool as Remus, he wasn't even as 'cute' as Peter. He was 'the other one'. At least, he thought so. How could she like him? He was nothing, she was everything. He grinned. For God's sake, she even turned him into a gibbering idiot and made Sirius almost voluntarily plunge to his death in an attempt to escape!

Thinking back over what had happened earlier that day and what had been said James groaned. Remus had been right- he was pathetic! He hadn't seen it before but what he'd said had made James realise what a complete and utter buffoon he'd been- no, scratch that- what a complete and utter buffoon he'd been for listening to Sirius. Stalking her? Serenading her? Cuddly toys? Telling her his feelings in the first place? What had he been thinking? Since when did Sirius, of all people, know how to successfully pursue a girl? It was the equivalent of Peter giving him Transfiguration advice! Yes, James decided, Sirius would have a nice, restful sleep before he killed him in the morning.

James sighed in defeat and began to doodle. As well as drawing little sketches of Lily and the traditional L.E J.P 4 EVA, he made a few lists to help him in his plight. Lists calm. Lists soothe. He hated bloody lists but in his desperation he figured it wouldn't hurt to be a bit more organised. Besides, maybe Lily would be bowled over by his magnificent ability to compile lists! It could happen! God, he so needed a new obsession.

He spent the next half hour putting his weird and disjointed thoughts down onto parchment, among them lists titled 'Why I Hate/Love Lily Evans by James Potter', 'Thing Sirius Stupidly Says Will Make Her Like Me by James Potter' and 'Ten Reasons Why I'm An Idiot and She Could Never Like Me by James Potter'.

James put down his quill and scratched his chin. He had the nasty feeling that if anyone found this dia- journal a) he would die of embarrassment; b) the reader would die from laughing so hard; and c) the whole school would know about it in less than five seconds.

He shivered and realised for the first time that all he was wearing was the bunny boxers he'd gone to bed in. Maybe he should go back to his dorm before someone found him and his embarrassing underwear.

He unfolded his limbs, yawning and stretching his tired body, then simply stood and silently watched the flickering flames of the fireplace. He was frozen to the spot, lost deep in his thoughts, when suddenly he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. James spun on the spot and stared intently at the doors leading to each dormitory. He could have sworn he'd seen a flash of something- green...After a few seconds of glaring at the empty room he shook himself and made his way back to bed. He was losing it.

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