One Day at a Time

Tonks appearing out of no where at the waters edge took Remus by surprise. He struggled to regain his composure as the two voices battling inside his head again took over.

SHE FOUND YOU AT THE TRAITOR'S GATE HOW FITTING

Stop it! I didn't mean to call him a...

THE TRUTH HURTS DOESN'T IT?

He would never knowingly betray any of us...

WOULD YOU HAVE HAD THE COURAGE TO FINISH THE SENTENCE THE SAME WAY?

Enough, enough...what is she doing here? Where did she come from? Talking to the water for a week? Does she feel like I...No! don't think!"

With that final thought, Remus silenced the voices. It seemed like minutes had passed since Tonks asked her question, but in actuality, it was just seconds. Remus slowly turned around-- his eyes closed, his teeth clenched shut. By the time he fully turned to face her, his eyes were opened. Face to face with Tonks he stood as if stunned. Although he had managed to silence the Jekyll and Hyde debate raging in his head for the time being, he was not prepared to meet anyone he knew at the moment, especially Sirius' cousin.

Tonks' voice had an unfamiliar edge to it. It no longer possessed the, peppy animation to which Remus was accustomed. Lately, the bright emotion in her voice had been a too forced. It was her way to cover what she had been feeling. Remus first noticed this subtle change at dinner the night before they had all met the train, knowing that this was how she was able to keep up brave appearances. There was nothing false in her tone now, it echoed with truth.

"So do you have my answer? How do you manage to do it, Remus?" She had now walked right up to him as they stood only feet apart at the water's edge. "How do you manage to go for longer than five minutes without being completely furious with all of it?" Her eyes, blue like Sirius' held his gaze with a fixed determination.

Remus' response was guarded as he answered. He shifted his gaze just ever so slightly. He avoided Tonks' eyes. He was now looking over her shoulder towards the water. "I am not quite certain I have any answers for you. I don't know...that is...I don't understand exactly what you mean."

Tonks shifted slightly so she again had her eyes, more piercing this time, connecting right to Remus'. "I meant exactly what I just said, Remus. How do you stop all this from driving you mad? At the end of the day, when you have only yourself, what do you do? No one wants to really talk about any of this. We all miss him, but it is more than that; I feel so cheated, and angry...angry at him most of all!" Her voice rose on her final words.

Remus just stared at her. For a man who was never at a loss for the right words, he was now hesitant about just what exactly to say. This was dangerous unexplored ground. "I don't know what you think I can give to you. As you say, we are all on edge about how we've been treated by the Ministry and...what happened.

The voices that had been contained just below the surface rose again.

HOW MANY MORE EUPHAMISMS CAN YOU COME UP WITH FOR DEAD?

No...not again...Change the subject.

Remus attempted a steady voice as he said, "Tonks, maybe your mother...surely she must understand more.."

"...more than Sirius' best friend. I think not! My mother wasn't there that night; you were!" Her voice was turning sharp, with an abrasive, accusatory sting that demanded the truth. "For the last week I have been asking the same question. Why? You know, at first I was just avoiding what happened that night, and now -----I don't know about you, but I am just buggered off! Why didn't he stop to think about the rest of us? You can't just stand here and tell me you don't know what I am talking about." Remus tried to reply, but was cut off; Tonks was practically spitting her words in Remus' face. "You can stop hiding Remus Lupin. You can't pretend that you aren't feeling even a little as I do; judging by the way you collided headfirst into that lamppost earlier, you are just as angry with him as I am."

Unprepared as Remus was for this assault of words both from Tonks and from his own mind, his calm veneer turned to ire as a new thought leapt into his head. Trying to maintain some semblance of control he stared at Tonks, acidly giving his reply.

"So, you have been talking to the water for a week? Alone? Really?" The words were meticulously chosen. "Thought you would have learned to lie better in Auror training; the lamppost was over by Trafalgar Square, so just how long have you been following me?" Sarcasm now dripped from Remus voice along with the anger, "Let me guess, Molly sent you to see if the werewolf is crazy? Or maybe it's Kingsley and Arthur want to know if I am going mad?" Remus took a step closer to Tonks, his eyes glaring, an uncharacteristic rage rising," How long? Answer me!"

Tonks was not intimidated; she stood her ground unflinching. Her voice matched Remus volume-to-volume, tone-to-tone. "No one sent me and you know it; stop trying to change the subject." Remus just glared as Tonks went on. "Three days. I have been following you on and off for three days ever since the investigating Aurors finished questioning me. When I haven't been following you I've been coming here, only not this exact spot, the other side of the river. I have no new assignment for the Order yet, now that like you I have been exposed. In fact, I have no assignment of any type because less than a year into my new profession I betrayed the trust of the Chief Auror and aligned myself with an outside party----it does not matter to him apparently that the outside party is Albus Dumbledore! He made sure to remind me several times that he took a chance on me to begin with given my "unique exploits before I decided to grow up, train to be an Auror, and do something constructive." He feels betrayed that I did not trust him enough to come to him. As of now I am suspended indefinitely." Tonks' voice was now reaching an all time fevered pitch, and was attracting a bit of attention. "SO, I HAVE HAD NOTHING TO DO FOR THREE DAYS BUT THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO SIRIUS AND FOR SOME BLOODY REASON I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT YOU MIGHT UNDERSTAND THAT!!!"

With her final volley Tonks stormed off knocking Remus back into the railing as she strode by. Clumsy as Tonks could be, the shove was deliberate. Remus had nearly been knocked over backwards into the Thames. Once he recovered, he ran down the cobblestone walkway after her. She was approaching the ramp to the Tower Bridge by the time he caught up to her.

"Tonks, wait a minute." He said as he tried to catch up to her. "Would you slow down?" She quickened her pace as she heard him behind her. She rounded the corner onto the bridge's walkway storming onward.

"Tonks, stop!" Remus grabbed her arm; she winced in pain as she tried to shake him off. He chided himself for grabbing the arm she injured in the battle. Just as he was about to apologise, Remus felt a firm set of hands on the sides of his arms, and he was pulled backwards.

"Hey there! That is no way to treat a lady!"

"Are you hurt, miss? Is he bothering you?"

This exchange came from two Muggles. Probably tourists leaving the Tower grounds as it was now past closing time. Remus ran his options quickly through his head.

Great.. -can't use magic, I am outnumbered, and they each have at least 20 pounds on me.

The two Muggles were tightening their grips and were clearly ready to defend an apparent damsel in distress.

"Let him be. It's all right, he's with me." Tonks' voice was now steady, "Please just let the two of us pass. Really, it's fine." The two Muggles looked skeptically at Tonks and then at each other. Tonks took advantage of their confusion and grabbed Remus by the arm pulling him behind her. "Thank you for your concern, but it's fine... He's my older brother...just a family disagreement. We're just walking off some steam. Honestly, don't either of you ever have rows with your sibs?"

The larger of the pair gave a knowing snort and tapped his partner on the shoulder. "Well, if you are sure you are fine."

"I promise; I am." said Tonks convincingly. Remus decided his best option was to just stay silent and let his "sibling" do the talking.

"All right then," responded the younger of the would be heroes as they walked off, "Hope you two have a better evening than you were a minute ago."

There was one final comment made by the older one as they departed. "And be nicer to your sister, bud. Mine only acts like that when I have really screwed up royally"

Remus and Tonks walked side-by-side silently across the bridge to the opposite shore. They continued along the bank and came to pause at the railing so that they were now directly opposite from where they had started. They stood next to each other looking across the water, each contemplating the surreal events that had just taken place. Neither spoke for awhile. The only sound was the water lapping at the stone embankment, and the din of the distant Muggle traffic on the bridge.

Tonks was the first to break the silence. She did not turn to face Remus although she was clearly addressing him. She spoke to the opposite shore. "This is where I ask the water my questions. This is where I have been coming whenever I wasn't...wasn't ...following you. I have been coming here so that I don't explode with feelings I have never had before." At last she turned to him, her voice softening, "How do you do it? How do you keep yourself from being angry with him for leaving us behind? I only just got him back; he was the only family besides my mum and dad I had left who was worth anything that counts. I know I still have my parents, but I could talk to Sirius about our family history, about being different, and ..." her voice just trailed off there.

Tonks' raw honesty cut to Remus' heart. For one so young, Tonks understood a lot more than most. "How do I do it? Simply, I haven't. You have a three-day advantage over me. Only today did I even begin to allow myself to think what you have just described. Every time I got within an inch of thinking about the loss of Sirius...My...let's just say my inner battle has been considerable."

He paused before he continued, his chest tightened as he spoke what he had not yet dared to voice. "You're right. I am angry with Sirius; so angry in fact that I couldn't even admit it to myself. He was my lost brother returned, my last hope for a sense of family again and now that's gone."

Remus stopped there; he never had thought about the cliché "the truth hurts" from quite this angle before. Anger burns to the bone.

The two of them continued their silent vigil staring at the castle across the river. Both sets of eyes, no matter where they might look in brief avoidance, eventually came to rest on an archway of stone directly across the river. The archway was cold, foreboding, and labeled for all to see in fading Old English Print "The Traitors' Gate." This time Remus broke the silence.

"How much do you remember from that day?' he asked hesitantly, "What is the last thing you recall?"

"You don't have to protect me Remus. Why do you think I am so angry? Auntie Bella's curse may have found it's mark in knocking me down; I could not move I could still hear clearly." She paused again softly asking the water, "Why did you have to taunt her Sirius? Couldn't ou have just gotten Harry out of there minus the bravado?"

So she does know. She heard it all. .

Tonks continued with a slow and steady voice, "So here I stand day after day asking the same questions, and the person I want to scream at is not here." Her quiet anger and resentment was more powerful than all the earlier shouted barbs. "As I look across at that stupid castle and the archway the only thought that keeps rising in my mind is that Sirius was a traitor. He betrayed all of our efforts to protect him, to find him a future." Tonks paused again gathering her courage; she gripped the rail as she began. "There is another thought that seeing that archway brings to mind. It's that the real--

"--traitor is you, yourself for even thinking such a thing." Remus surprised himself finishing her words for a change. He had been intently watching her profile as she addressed the water. She turned and looked into the gray eyes that wished they did not understand all too well. "I know, Tonks, because that is exactly what the infernal voices in my head have been hinting at for days. It is only just now that I can admit it." Tonks' blue eyes were now holding his gaze.

There was another long pause before Remus could finish his thoughts, "There is actually one more piece isn't there?" The honesty in his voice was haunting. "I am not ready to forgive him or myself yet, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that." Tonks nodded silently in agreement, a reluctant kindred spirit.

Time passed as silence again reigned. Each of them was lost in their own thoughts. The water and the evening air were at last working their magic and soothing heads, tempers, and spirits. Eventually a wry smile came from Tonks as she turned to Remus and asked her next question.

"So... tomorrow, can I come here again with my "older brother" to talk to the water?" Then seriously she added " I feel like I started to find my answers with him today."

A hint of a smile was on Remus' lips as he turned to Tonks, 'I suppose that could be arranged if "my little sister" doesn't try to dunk me in the Thames again when she gets upset with me." He paused before saying, "Maybe we can find some of our answers together. It may take awhile but--"

"it's better than thinking too much, or thinking alone." Remus nodded as Tonks finished his thoughts yet again that day. "Remus, I feel my appetite coming back. Are you up for a family dinner tonight? "

Remus allowed her to take his arm as they began to stroll along the shore. "Lead on little sister. Let's walk awhile before Apparating."

I am still angry with you Sirius, but now I think that maybe I am entitled to be and perhaps that is all right. Not as angry as I was, but tonight maybe I can dare to think before I sleep. Hmm... one night at a time, just like the days step-by-step.