Finite Incantatem

Finite Incantatem
~pandorajones

*

There was nothing I could do.

I watched him fall.

I don't even know who hit him. Just turned my head when Ginny screamed and … my world stood still. It seemed to happen in slow motion; he was already in the air, his body arching backward, green light still glowing upon his chest. I knew he was gone before he hit the ground, before his body came to rest with a dull thump on the stone floor. He isn't fifty yards away …

'Forget the kid,' the largest one shouts. 'Let's get the Auror!' The words pull me back to reality and I have to duck another jet of green light. The mantel on the fireplace behind me explodes in flame. I know he means me. He's lost his hood. Long ginger hair, heavily greyed flows down over his shoulders, he stares out from under thick brows, a pinched expression on his ugly face. I recognise him. He's the eldest of the group that tried to kill Kelly all those months ago. He should be in Azkaban. I back through the archway firing spells as I go and they eagerly follow me up the stone steps to the north entrance hall. Well, two of them do, the third I leave dead at the bottom. If I can just get them away, further away from the common room, further away from the younger ones.

Remus is just in the corridor on the other side of this wall. Stop it! I can't think about that now.

Have to focus if I have to duel two. And that seems the most likely scenario as both remaining Death Eaters make it to the top of the stairs relatively unscathed.

Just keep moving. It's instinct more than anything and I can't remember half the curses I'm screaming. They're throwing whatever they can at me. The blonde, thankfully, doesn't aim well. Everything's high and to the right. The same cannot be said, however, for his friend and I have to dive behind a pillar to avoid one of his nastier ones.

'Impedimenta!'

'Flagello!'

'Ico!' Got him. The blonde is blasted off his feet and comes to rest at the base of a suit of armour, unmoving.

I hear the thundering of footsteps and the doors behind me burst open. More people pour into the hall, who they're for I don't know. But the curses start flying almost immediately. Perhaps they were already battling each other? A jet of red light whizzes past my head so close I can feel the heat from it. But I daren't look to see where it came from.

'Vulnero!'

'Pulso!'

'Protego!'

But I'm not fast enough this time.

His curse hits my left side and it spins me. But I'm all right. I just stumble. Not missing a beat he raises his wand again. 'Protego!' I block but then a second later, my back is burning … like fire. I see purple light spinning around me. Purple light but I can't think what it could be. I hear the doors behind me open yet again as I fall to my knees onto the cold, hard stone. There is pounding of feet as others move past me. Auror robes … I recognise Merch's voice and Kelly's as Death Eaters scatter before them.

I think I'm going to be sick. But then I'm falling further… backward this time … My back hits the floor, my shoulders, my head. That hurts.

'Tonks, Tonks!' Ginny's desperate voice forces me to open my eyes. When I do bursts of light shoot in front of them. 'Are you all right?'

I'm not all right. It hurts like fuck. I want to get up, to shake it off, but … 'I can't move,' I say instead, suddenly coming to the realisation myself. I can't move!

Ginny nods. 'I'm going to get help.' And then she's gone. Why can't I move? I was hit in the back. All I can do is lie here staring at the lights above me and listening to the noise of the battle as it rages a little further down the passage. Perhaps if I shift I can realign something and I'll be able to get up. But the pain increases I find myself gasping for breath. I can't move.

Remus is dead. I know he is. Oh God, what am I going to tell Teddy? He's so little. How do I explain his Daddy is dead? That he won't play peek-a-boo at two o'clock in the morning anymore? I close my eyes to see my favourite image: Teddy curled up asleep on Remus's chest. The first time it happened, the smile on his father's face-like nothing I'd ever seen before. Tears fall on my face, running down to my ears. And all I want to do is go home, cuddle my little boy and tell him everything's going to be all right. Tell myself the same thing. How can it be all right now? How will it ever be all right?

I open my eyes again to the lights swimming above me. They're so bright. I have to stop crying; it's harder to breathe when I cry. Harder to breathe. I take slow deliberate breaths now; they help … help with the tears and the pain. There are footsteps, coming nearer and I shut my eyes once more--play dead. But the next thing I know there are hands on my face, in my hair--a touch I know.

'Nymph?'

He's scared. Is it that bad?

I open my eyes to his face--shaggy ginger hair and an abundance of freckles. Charlie smiles softly down at me. 'Where does it hurt?' he asks.

'Everywhere.' My voice doesn't seem to go more than a whisper. 'My back mostly. My chest-on the left.'

His hands move into my robes, and I hear Ginny's voice again. 'I couldn't see any blood.' She must be beside him; he nods toward her.

'Can you squeeze my hand?' I feel his fingers slip into mine and I squeeze as hard as I can. He smiles. 'Good, good. We've got to get her upstairs.' That last statement is not directed toward me but to Ginny. I see her briefly out of the corner of my eye as she nods.

'McGonagall's office,' she replies, 'that's where they're taking them. The infirmary isn't safe.'

Charlie nods and turns back to me. 'I'm going to lift you now, okay?'

'Yes.'

One hand moves behind my head, the other under my thighs and he lifts me into his arms. It's like I'm on fire it hurts so much. But the pain is relatively brief and subsides to a manageable level by the time he's taken a few steps.

'You're going to be all right,' he tells me.

'Remus is dead,' I hear myself say.

'I know sweetheart,' his lips move against the side of my face, 'I saw Ron and another boy carrying him toward the Great Hall.'

'I want to go home.'

'Sure. Just as soon as Poppy takes a look at you.' I can feel his breath in my ear. My face is wet but I know I'm not crying anymore. It takes me a moment to realise that he is. That scares me. Charlie doesn't cry.

'Teddy …' I hear myself whisper. I want Teddy. I want to hold him in my arms and look into his little face. Have him squeeze my fingers and smile at me. Mum says it's just gas but I know he's smiling. His hair is turquoise when he's happy. I just want to feel him against me. He's all I have now.

I hear Charlie choke and suddenly we stop short at the top of the stairs. Cold stone against my back again as he lays me on the landing.

'What is it?' I hear Ginny's question.

'She's not breathing,' comes Charlie frightened response.

Aren't I?

His hand is on the side of my face, his wand against my chest and I can feel air forced into my lungs as he mutters the incantation. It feels odd but it doesn't hurt. Nothing hurts; the pain's gone. I push my shoulders back against the floor, clench and unclench my fists, move my legs. I can move again. Can't he see I can move? But he doesn't seem to notice, just keeps forcing air into my lungs. His hand moves through my hair across my cheek, his tears fall freely in my face, his thumb brushes my lips. But … it's like he's touching me through a thick veil of cotton. I can't quite feel him anymore. Why?

Charlie? Charlie, what's happening?

'Charlie! Charlie!' But it's Ginny's voice not mine. He stops his incantations only to look up at her. 'She doesn't have a heartbeat.'

What? But that's impossible. I feel fine now.

'Charlie, she doesn't have a heartbeat,' Ginny repeats emphasing the words, stilling her brother's wand hand. Her voice sounds strained, if I hadn't been looking at her as she said it, I wouldn't have believed it was her.

Charlie drops his wand. His hands move rapidly over me--the side of my neck, my face, my chest …

'No.' He's shaking his head. 'No! You can't. Please, Nymph, you can't do this. Don't do this. I need you here. We need you here. Please! Teddy needs you!'

'Charlie, she's gone.'

The sharp stabbing pain in my chest is far worse than any physical pain I've experienced. I need Teddy; I need my son. He's all I've got now. Remus is dead. I don't know what to do. I feel suddenly dizzy, light-headed. I close my eyes tight shut hoping that when I open them again things will be different.

Things are different. I can see them more clearly now. See myself like I'm standing over us. Charlie pulls me into his arms and I wish I could feel his embrace. His face against the side of my neck, he rocks me slowly back and forth. Ginny is behind him her arms wrapped around both of us, her head resting against the back of his.

Others move past us on the stairs. We should be moving again soon. They have to get me to McGonagall's office … to Poppy … before things get worse.

There are screams from below and that's the only thing that seems to get Charlie's attention. Ginny stands up, wiping the tears from her face. Charlie draws a deep breath and looks up at her. 'We need to-' she begins, but Charlie just nods.

Picking up his wand, he lifts me again. This time holding me tightly against his body. I wish I could feel … But instead of turning back up the stairs, he turns down them. Where are they taking me?

I follow them down but as he turns at the bottom I know-the Great Hall. Didn't Charlie say they took Remus's body to the Great Hall? The Great Hall isn't for the injured it's for the dead. But I'm not dead. I'm right here.

There are a group of ginger heads near the far wall and Charlie turns sharply in their direction. Ginny passes him at a run, drawing herself to a quick halt when she reaches them, both hands clasped firmly over her mouth. Charlie's pace slows. I don't understand but then I do. I hear Molly's sobs first and realise that one of the bodies on the floor before them has ginger hair. They kneel around Fred, heads bowed, tears flowing.

It's Charlie's cry that breaks the silence as he sees his younger brother on the floor. They look up at him, at us; Bill and Ron are instantly on their feet, Arthur soon follows. 'Is she?' are the only words I hear. Charlie nods. Bill touches the side of my face. I watch as Molly reaches out her hand, her fingertips brushing down my arm before she drops her head down again and begins to sob with renewed vigour on her dead son's chest.

Tearing my eyes away from Fred, I try to force myself to look at the body of the man that lies beside him. I know who he is but I don't want to look. I don't want to see him dead. He's not supposed to be dead. He's supposed to be with me. He's supposed kiss me goodnight and rock Teddy to sleep … He's supposed to laugh and joke, and live … Not be here like this.

But as Charlie drops to his knees beside Remus, I can't help but see. There's no blood and for that I am grateful. His eyes are shut and his tousled hair strewn across his forehead. He looks as if he's asleep but then not so much like he's asleep, he's so pale. I watch as Charlie lays me beside him, so close that we're touching, my shoulder overlapping his. Together. I'd like to thank Charlie for that. But as I look at the two of us reality begins to set in. Am I dreaming? Am I really dead? If I am, where's Remus? Charlie leans down and kisses my forehead before stepping back from me moving to George's side. I can't hear what they say anymore. Watching without the sound. Charlie is briefly beside George and then his mother before he's on his feet again slamming his palms against the stone wall. Losing his temper. He pulls two wands from his robes, the shorter of which is mine and a moment later he's gone from the hall.

'Bloody hot head, he's going to get himself killed.' The voice is jovial and almost laughing, it makes me jump; jump and spin around. Fred just smiles as he steps up beside me.

'Don't worry, I've looked worse.' He nods toward where his body lies on the floor. 'The time Ginny came up with that Bat-Bogey thingy for a start and well … when George and I were experimenting with Puking Pastilles … and … the list goes on. I look rather good actually.'

'Fred …'

'Nymph-a-dora.' He emphasises each syllable.

Must just be habit but I instantly reach into my pocket.

Again he laughs, bouncing backward on the balls of his feet. 'Can't curse me! Charlie's got your wand. Besides,' he says almost as an afterthought, 'what good will it do you? I'm already dead.'

'Might make me feel better.'

As I look around to him, I see that were not in the Great Hall anymore but rather looking at the Great Hall through a large window. We are in a waiting area, chairs line the walls even under the window. It looks like A&E at St Mungo's only staunch white and very quiet. Other people come and go, greeting each other in whispers, friends embrace, link hands, as they wander down the large corridor to our left. Where are they going?

And what am I wearing? I started out the day in work robes but now I wear my most threadbare blue jeans and a faded pink concert tee shirt.

'I think it's whatever you are most comfortable in,' Fred smiles, obviously noting my surprise. And I note for the first time what he's wearing now: Chudley Canons pyjama bottoms and a hand-knit grey jumper with a big F on the front.

'Wish Mum would stop crying,' Fred says sullenly.

'She's your mother, she loves you.'

'I know. But that coat cost me nearly fifty Galleons; sueded dragon hide, she's going to ruin it.'

I elbow him hard in the ribs and he laughs. But I notice he chews his lower lip as he continues to watch his mother. She's the only one with him now, the others have returned to the battle.

'Lets go sit by the fire, Tonks,' Fred says with a noticeable shiver. 'It's warmer over there.'

I can feel the draft too but I don't want to go. Instead, I kneel on the chair before me, rest my hands on the back and lean my head against the window. The glass is so cold. I can see them all. They pour back into the Great Hall now. I see Violet and Sarah and Charlie and Ginny and … but then something happens. My vision seems obscured, as if by a gossamer curtain. 'Fred, what is that?'

'I don't know,' he replies. 'Come sit by the fire, Tonks. It's much more comfortable. A better place to wait.'

Wait?

'You're waiting for Remus, aren't you?'

I nod against the cold glass. 'Yes.'

'He was here,' Fred admits and I raise my head and turn toward him.

'Where did he go? Did you speak to him?'

Fred nods. 'He had to leave for a bit. He asked that I wait with you. I think he's with Harry.'

'Harry! Harry's not--' But I can't even bring myself to ask the question.

Fred shakes his head quickly. 'Harry's fine. He just needed a bit of support, I think.'

I nod and let my breath go in relief. There are curses flying out there. I can see the lights but the people are only shadows now.

'Please, Tonks, come away from the window. You'll feel better if you step back.'

But I can't step back, can't move away, not now. I can hear him.

My Teddy's crying. Loud and frantic and … the sound tears my heart from my chest. I want him; I need him. I want to hold him in my arms one last time. Please! Please let me hold him again. But no matter how hard I wish it, nothing changes. I allow myself to fall forward to the chair burying my face in my hands, my head hitting the glass with a cold thump.

'Tonks…' Fred's hand is rubbing circles on my back. But I can't look up; I can't stop crying. Teddy needs me and I can't … Please, just let me go to my son…

But then Fred's hand is gone, replaced instead by arms around me, pulling me backward onto my feet, arms that I've longed to feel all night. Standing unsteadily, I turn toward him. He smiles softly down at me, kisses my forehead and I let my head drop to his chest, wrapping my arms as tightly around him as I can, not willing to let him go again.

His hands move up and down my back, kisses on the side of my face. 'Sshhh.'

'Teddy's crying.'

'I know,' he whispers against my hair. 'I hear him too.'

'Remus, what are we going to do?' I ask the question in earnest, praying that he has an answer for me, that there's a solution to all of this.

'I don't know,' comes his reply. 'I don't know.'

I slide my hands under his shirt, desperately needing to feel the warmth of his body. His skin is smooth under my touch. Too smooth. I can't feel his scars anymore. Stepping back a little from him, I take his hand in mine and push the sleeve of his white shirt up past his elbow. His arm is unmarked.

'Your scars are gone.'

He nods as I look up at him.

'You're free.'

A slight smile slides across his face. 'Yes. But I'd-'

I nod vigourously so he doesn't have to finish the sentence. I know what he's going to say. He'd give it all up in an instant if we could go back, if we could have our little family again.

'Come on,' he says, his arm sliding around my shoulders. 'We've got to go.'

'I can't go. I can't leave him.'

'We have to.'

Remus kisses my forehead, my eyes, my lips. His hands slide through my hair and he squeezes my shoulders again, gently turning me from the window.

'Remus?'

'They're waiting for us.'

'Who?'

We step into the corridor just in time to see Fred's stocky figure round the corner at the end. There are two men standing in the passage now. Two men I know. The man on the right is my father; just the sight of him makes me smile through my tears. The other, the other has long dark hair and piercing grey eyes. He grins at me; a contagious smile in a face that now looks as though he's never seen the inside of Azkaban.

It's warmer here; the sensation moves through me, down to the tips of my fingers and to the ends of my toes. It calms my nerves, my fears …

Teddy's stopped crying. I can feel my mother's arms around him. She rocks him gently. And I don't know how but I know he'll be all right. Though it still breaks my hear t to leave him. He will grow up wondering why he prefers Grantha's Lullaby sung slightly off key, why the scent of sandalwood calms him so much. But he will be a fine young man, his grandmother and his godfather will see to that. And it's not as if this is goodbye. We will always exist within him and him within us. And that is a connection which cannot be broken, not even in death. I lean into Remus's shoulder, shut my eyes and let him lead me.

Everything will be all right.

*