Disillusioned

Disillusioned

I've lost people before; friends, family, anyone from an acquaintance to someone I loved deeply. I know that there are so many that say everything happens for a reason, and I guess the reason I've found for this is pretty selfish. There was something in me that changed the moment we lost Sirius. There was something that made me open my eyes to the fact our lives could end in an instant, and with that realization I knew there were things - one thing in particular - that I needed to do. Things were too unpredictable to hold back any longer, and if I had to risk my life, I needed him to know this. I don't want to die, but moreover, I don't want to die without him knowing.

I walked beside Remus through the train station, glancing every now and then at him. He looked tired, more tired than I remembered him looking before. There were bags under his eyes, dark semi-circles from lack of sleep and worry. There were age lines around his eyes, and scratches across his face. He was limping slightly.

"Remus," I said softly. "Are you alright?" He looked at me, his eyes glassy, and he sighed.

"I don't know," he answered me honestly. "I don't quite know what think or feel at the moment. And... I'm tired, Nymphadora. Just...tired."

"Why don't we sit for a moment?" I said, gesturing to a bench.

"No, no, it's not necessary. I'll be fine," he said shaking his head slightly.

"Remus," I chided softly. "Sit, please. For me?" He and I stopped walking for a moment and just looked at one another before he finally nodded, just barely. We walked to the bench, the train station full of muggles walking by us without acknowledging we were there, except for the few that stared unabashedly at my pink hair. At that particular moment I didn't feel much like having pink hair. He sat down beside me, his hands folded in his lap and his head hung. "Remus?"

"I... I just... He's really gone. First James and Lily, and now... Sirius. He was the last best friend I had, Nymphadora." He spoke very softly, and he looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "Harry needed him. It should have been me."

"No," I said firmly. "No. Don't talk like that. Harry needs you as well." I put my hand gently on his cheek, cupping his face in my palm. "You're so much more important than you give yourself credit for." He shook his head slightly. "Remus, I know you're hurting right now. We all are. Sirius was... He was wonderful, and we are all going to miss him."

"I've known him for so long, and I just got him back. And now... now he's dead. I should have done something, anything, to protect him."

"He gave his life protecting his godson. He died honorably, and I'm sure he wouldn't have had it any other way." I watched him hang his head again, and a single tear rolled down his cheek, dripping off of his chin and onto his pant leg. "I don't know what I would have done if we had lost you, too..." I looked down at my hands. "I would be devastated." I chanced a look at him, and he looked questioningly at me. "Like I said before; you're so much more important than you give yourself credit for... especially to me."

"Nymphadora..."

"Remus," I said softly. "We are all in grave danger. I could die tomorrow-"

"Don't talk like that," he interrupted me.

"-And if that were to happen without you knowing..." I looked at him, and this time the tears were in my eyes. He held my gaze without speaking. "A lot has happened, and I've realized that... Remus, I don't feel about anyone the way I feel about you. I've never felt this way about anyone..."

"Nymphadora... I'm flattered. But... the timing is all wrong. We can't do this, not now. Besides... how could you be with someone like me? With the way I am?"

"Remus, I don't care about that! I don't care at all! "

He sighed. "Even so, I'm too dangerous for you to be with. And... and I'm too old for you. You deserve someone more your age, someone younger than me, who can give you all that you need; you need someone whole. I can't do that; I can't be that for you, not being what I am. "

"Don't you understand?" I asked quietly. "I don't care what you are. Remus, I love you for who you are." The tears slipped silently down my cheeks. "Please..." He reached out and gently caressed my cheek. His touch was so soft, so warm, I just closed my eyes and relished in the moment he was touching my skin. And then the warmth of his hand had gone.

"Nymphadora," he said softly. "I wish I could make you understand. " He just looked at me as more tears slid down my cheeks.

"Make me understand what?" I asked timidly.

"Make you understand that no matter how you feel, or how I feel, I can't... We can't... be together."

"Remus..." I whispered, lowering my head and shaking it slightly. I closed my eyes, the tears falling still. I didn't want him to see me cry, but there was no way I could contain these tears. I felt him rise from the bench.

"I should go," he said softly, and I lifted my head. He held my face in his hands and pressed his lips to my forehead; I held his hands as did so, wishing that he would never let go, and wanting to ask him to just hold me, but the words never came and his touch slipped away. He looked down at me, and I up at him. We said nothing as he turned, limping slightly, and started away. I watched him go, blending in with the muggles.

"I wish I could make you understand," I whispered to myself, looking away from him. I wasn't sure I could handle two losses in one day. I lost a part of myself when we lost Sirius, and a part of my heart was walking out of the train station as I sat alone on the bench, wishing I could keep him, keep that part of my heart here. But I didn't have a choice but to let it, and him go.