What Might Have Been

What Might Have Been

There was something about the night that he had inherently loved since he was a child, perhaps the only thing he had ever loved for so long before school. He had found in school the one thing to replace that which he did not have - friends, family, and love. He never seemed to care, finding solace in books and potions, writing his assignments on rolls of parchment to such perfection the other students only disliked him more. It didn't concern him. There had been few, ever, that did concern him apart from himself, and he was sure now that the one he had taken most keenly to would be nothing more than distant memories of time they never should have spent together, and thoughts of what could have been but wasn't; it was quite true, he knew, that no matter what he wished could be was never possible in this existence.

Standing alone on the grassy knoll his black robes blew about him in an almost serene way, his dark hair whisping his much too pale face. He remembered a time when he was assured he was never going to get what he dreamed of, and remembered that at that precise moment, he would never wont again for what could never be his. And yet, he found himself here, waiting with a patience he didn't normally have, to say goodbye to something never his.

He stood in his place watching her as she strode around him with a sneer that he had grown accustomed to. She was here to gloat about something, and it had to be something good since there was rarely anything she could ever outdo him in. He had a feeling this would be unpleasant, but as he and so many others knew, unpleasantries were his specialty.

"Severus," she said, her smirk unfaltering.

"Bella." He didn't smile, and her name brought a look to his face that resembled something of disgust, or rather a bad taste in his mouth.

"She's not coming, you know," she said almost happily. "She has another...engagement, shall we say." He knew all too well that she got pleasure from his unhappiness, and generally from anything that could cause him pain, which was almost nothing. He'd grown numb to many things over the years, and anyone being able to hurt him was one of them.

"Really, Bella, your taunting barely phases me. And to be honest, I would really quite enjoy your departure, both from my presence and existence in general, as you're spoiling a rare moment of...happiness. Really, you're fouling my air by simply breathing in the same space."

"Oh Severus," she grinned. "Haven't you learned by now that I would never do anything simply because you wish me to? I'm here simply to...remind you - of your place, that is. And I must say, this time I am particularly happy to do so."

"It's hard to believe you and Narcissa are bred from the same parentage," he said dully. "You really have so much to live up to, but...then again, you never do live up to her, now do you?" Her smile faltered and hatred flashed in her eyes. There was one thing Severus always enjoyed doing, and it was always reminding Bellatrix that she lived merely in the shadow of her sister, and so it seemed, would never be quite as good.

"You should be one to talk of parentage," she said, her voice low. "Actually, parentage does have something to do with what I have to tell you. You see, Narcissa and Lucius," she found particular delight from the look in his eyes at the mere mention of Lucius' name, "have apparently become engaged."

"Your lies really do nothing to me," he said dismissively. "Now, if you don't mind, you should go before your sister gets here and you once again are in her shadow."

"She isn't coming," she punctuated. "You see, Severus, no matter how deluded your little mind have been, let me make this clear: you are not pureblood. No matter what Cissy thought she felt for you, it is nothing in comparison to her inevitable marriage to someone...more her worth. Do you understand what I'm saying?" The look of hatred in his eyes told her he knew exactly what she was saying, and it brought joy to her, and her smile widened. "Oh Severus, you really did think... You honestly thought that Cissy would choose you over him? You poor thing..." she clicked her tongue. "Well, perhaps you might have had a chance if say, your appearance," she raised her eyebrows, "were a little more appealing. Do try another color, because black is highly overrated these days. And that skin of yours," she tsked, "is quite pale. It could do you some good to see the sun once in a great while." The hatred in his face only made her more eager to push, waiting for the moment she could see the hurt in his eyes. "And really, you might want to consider, for any unfortunate woman who might run the risk of being your bride, showering daily. The greasy hair is quite unattractive." She smiled at him and he stood rooted to his spot, unflinching.

"Suddenly, I am reminded why I loathe you," he said lowly. She walked up to him, placing her hands on his shoulders and leaning in close, so her lips were mere inches from his ear.

"You were never good enough for her," she whispered. "You never had a chance." She pulled back, smiled, and sauntered away, dark waist-length hair flowing behind her, leaving him standing alone, as was usually the case. But he had never before felt quite alone as this.

The footsteps behind him were so quiet he almost didn't hear them, but he knew she was there. There was a scent floating toward him that hadn't been there before, and it was something he only ever associated with her. He didn't turn as she walked up beside him, only looked straight ahead, waiting for her to speak as she came to a halt beside him, so close their arms barely touched.

"I shouldn't stay long. If Lucius knew I was here..." she said softly.

"Lucius doesn't miss anything," he said quietly. "I can assure you, he knows you're here, he knows why you're here, and he isn't the least bit perturbed because he knows you'll return to him...as you were meant to," he added quietly. He finally turned to look at her, and she was facing him. Her long blonde hair was blowing gently away from her face, and he couldn't help but notice the glint of the moonlight reflecting from her left hand.

"Severus..." He watched her eyes glaze over, but not a single tear fell from her eyes. "You don't know how this pains me..."

"Oh..." he looked away, "I think I do." He spoke quietly.

"I'm sorry," she said. It was rare to hear Narcissa apologize to anyone; it wasn't how she was brought up. He knew that she was, in fact, truly sorry.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Cissy. I was foolish - we both were; perhaps that is the only thing you have to be sorry for." After all, she was a society bride, and he knew well enough that she shouldn't apologize for it; her family would have it no other way, and Narcissa was not one to disappoint.

"Yes," she said quietly. "Maybe you're right."

"I am." He turned to look at her again. "I'm not one to dwell, because there is no logical point in it, but..." he reached out and touched her cheek gently. She closed her eyes, placing her hand over his, relishing in this forbidden touch. "I won't forget." He pulled his hand away, and she reopened her eyes.

"Nor shall I," she said softly. She turned to walk away, moving slowly passed him, pausing for a moment, perhaps with the faint hope he might try and stop her.

"Narcissa," he said quietly. She turned to face him and his back remained to her.

"Yes?"

"If you ever need anything," he said, "you know where I am. Anything at all, ever." She nodded though he couldn't see it, and turned to walk away. He turned for a moment, watching her back as she left him, once again feeling so very alone.