Loneliness Part 1 - Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Percy stood at the window in his small flat in London staring at the festively decorated street. Snow was dancing from the sky as people were hurrying home. Soon they would be celebrating Christmas with their families and friends, laughing, singing, being happy and content.

And he, Percy Ignatius Weasley, was sitting here alone in this small suburban flat, in this dark and still unpersonal room, outcast from his family and friends. This was the very first Christmas he had ever spent alone. He thought back at the feasts in Hogwarts, the twelve Christmas trees, decorated by tiny Professor Flitwick, the dozens of turkeys and cakes, the snowball fights with his brothers, the laughter, the fun. And he thought of the calmer feast at home in The Burrow with his parents, his brothers and Ginny, the walks in the snow, the biscuits. He thought of the presents, the traditional hand-knitted jumper, books.

He remembered one particular Christmas day when Ginny was three. It was the first time for her to have a white Christmas and he had build a snowman for her. The twins soon had started to attack it with snowballs but their father magicked it first to pursue the twins, chasing them around and later to dance around the garden. Ginny had laugh and shrieck of pure joy and so had all of them. Even now, more then ten years later, this memory brought a smile to his face.

The more and longer he buried himself in his memories, the larger the weight of loneliness he felt grew. How had everything come this far? It had all started with the offer of promotion he got soon after the inquiry on the Crouch Affair had been finished. He had never dreamt that this could happen: a promotion to the position as Junior Assistant of the Minister of Magic himself. He had practically glown with pride. Someone believed in him and his abilities. Someone gave him a chance to show what he was really able to do. And maybe he could use his position to even influence some advantages for his father. With these thoughts in mind he had run into Dumbledore when he was out for lunch. Naturally he told his former Headmaster of the offer, just to be drawn back to solid ground when Dumbledore mentioned that Fudge might have other interest in offering Percy this position then just having a assistant but a spy on one of Dumbledore's supporters, too.

Percy sighed. Yes, this had been the minute where all the trouble started. After a few moments he had been forced to admit that Dumbledore was right. And he had promised to decline the offer but Dumbledore had propsed something different. Why not turn Fudge's plan against him? Why not pretending to be loyal to the Ministry alone and taking care that Voldemort would not have too many advantages from the constant ignorance of the Ministry. Percy had hesitated just a few seconds then he agreed to do it. But then he realised what he needed to do to get Fudge's full trust - he had to split with his family. He asked Dumbledore if he could take his father into confidence but the Headmaster meant it would be safer and more convincing when his parents would react as naturally as possible and Percy agreed with this.

The whole afternoon he had thought of how he should tell them of his promotion and what arguments he might bring up in the fight that would be following. He found them, found the nastiest things he could say. Things that had bothered him a bit sometimes but didn't really matter to him anymore. He needed them all. He said it all. He shouted and he convinced them all. He cried when he packed his things to move out the same night. The others thought it were tears of frustration and rage but they were tears of the greatest sadness he had ever felt.

The next few nights he cried often when he was alone in his flat. He had been hard to fight with his father and to leave but it had been even harder to slam the door in his mother's face when she came to talk to him again. It was hard to see his father nearly every day at the Ministry and having to ignore him. His heart drew together everytime he thought of his brothers and the longer he was away, the more often he missed them.

But he had to play this role and he was good at it according to Dumbledore who he informed regularly in secret on the upcoming events at the Ministry. In return, the Headmaster kept him informed on what happened to his parents and siblings. But Dumbledore's thanks gave him no pride but satisfaction that he did as much as he could in the fight against Voldemort and the ignorance of the Ministry. And sometimes he grew into this role so much that he surprised himself - and scared himself. It was his idea to write this letter to Ron warning him about Harry Potter and Dumbledore. It took him hours to finish it and when he had sent it, he had to pull himself together violently to not send an apology right after it.

He realised that night had fallen during his reflections and that his room was completely dark now but he didn't have the energy to light the lamps, to even move from the spot he was standing. He considered what to do tonight but nothing would change the loneliness. Even Hermes was gone hunting and hadn't returned yet. But just in this moment he approached. No, it was another owl but from a wizard since it was carrying a package and heading directly towards his window. Percy opened it and the owl entered and landed on the table.

Someone had sent him a present, someone still cared for him, Percy thought smiling faintly and it this realisation warmed his heart when he moved to the table and unfastened the package from the owl's leg. He offered the bird something to eat and it accepted and took the opportunity to warm itself a bit. Percy looked at the package and his eyes widened when he recognised the hand-writing on it. It was his mother's, she had sent this and by the way it felt, it was the traditional jumper. His heart bet faster and his mind was racing. He could end the differences, the problems, he could go back, no longer being alone. He stopped. No, it wasn't possible. He couldn't, he shouldn't, not as long as the Ministry kept denying Voldemort's return and he needed Fudge to believe in his loyality to the Ministry.

He had only one choice, he was just one small part in the big machinery fighting against the Dark Lord and he wouldn't be able to return to his family as long as Voldemort was alive. And the more he stayed in his chosen role, the sooner the moment of reunion would come. He carried the package over to the owl, unopened, tied it to its leg and carried the bird to the window. "Take it back to my mother, please," he said and watched the bird disappearing into the blackness of the sky.

His heart followed it to the home he once knew, he once belonged to. He remembered a Muggle song he had heard a few days before:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
May your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be miles away.

Once again as in olden days
happy golden days of yore
faithful friends who were near to us
will be dear to us once more.

Someday soon we all will be together
If the fates allow
until then we'll have to muddle through somehow
so have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

He didn't realise the tears streaming down his face. His sacrifice was small compared to others but to himself it was the biggest sacrifice possible - his family. But as the song said, some day it would be over, some day they would be together again. He turned away and went to bed. Before he fell asleep he silently prayed for his parents, his brothers and Ginny and that the day of reunion wouldn't be to far away.

***

18th July 2003

"Have yourself a merry little christmas" © Ralph Blane and Hugh Martin
from the MGM-movie "Meet me in St. Louis" (1944)