Reflections

Why must we all conceal
what we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
someone else for all time

- Christina Aguilera "reflections"

Oh fuck. I'm in such a happy mood it's scaring the shit out of me. But I still can't stop being genuinely happy for once. Everyone's spending Christmas with me, in my screwed up hellhole. Even Hermione gave up her skiing trip to be with us. It might just be for Harry but at least she's here. It's better than nothing.

Right now, I'm alone while the rest are sleeping upstairs. Somehow, I seem to be the only really enjoying myself. Everyone else seems pretty upset about Arthur being stuck at St. Mungo's for Christmas. But that crazy old bat is all right, thanks to Harry. Oh well, he's stupid enough to ask the Healer for stitches just because it is a Muggle thing. Arthur's fascination might kill him one day... of course I don't want that happening! If he dies, what would happen to Molly and the kids?

I'm thankful that I wasn't there when Molly found out about the stitches. Remus was laughing so hard when he told me till he was almost in tears. Hate to think what she'd done to the poor, poor man. I can still hear Remus mimicking Molly when he was telling me about the visit.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THAT'S THE GENERAL IDEA?"

Remus had choked on his conversation with one of the patients, trying to stiffen his laughter. Molly's attack on Arthur might have been doubled, considering what Percy did today morning. The bastard sent back his Christmas jumper. From George, it was a Christmas tradition for Molly to knit jumpers for everyone in the family, and recently, Harry as well. Everyone's supposed to wear it but Percy sent it back... without a word. I wish I could strangle that idiot right now and tell him to wake up. Why can't he see that Fudge is using him? I sighed again.

Yet I can't help thinking it strange. How did Harry see from inside Voldermort's snake? George, the ever-reliable source of knowledge, told me that Moody thinks Harry was possessed. What? Harry attacked Arthur? Impossible. One cannot just fly out of Hogwarts to get to the Department of Mysteries... how would Harry know where to find it? Maybe if he was possessed... but there's the question of how he got out of Hogwarts. You cannot just Apparate or Disapparate out of Hogwarts. I'll have everyone know that I still remember what I read when I was still in school. I've always pride myself on my memory.

I stare at the house, barely able to recognize it after all the decorations. Chandeliers were no longer crowded with cobwebs but streamers of gold and silver accompanied with garlands of holly. Treading on the snow on the carpet, I stand in front of the Christmas trees, courtesy of Mundungus, and watch as the fairies twitter excitedly and comb their silvery hair. Did one of them just giggle at me? Running my fingers through my hair, I sighed. At least the ugly family tree can't be seen from here anymore. Kreacher is missing though. Maybe he died of shock from the hats and beards on his twisted ancestors' heads.

Harry told me something strange just now. Dobby left the Malfoy's mansion to warn Harry in his second year. Were house elves really allowed to leave the house just like that? That's a worrying thought. Kreacher has seen and heard all about the Order of the Phoenix. Chances of him being a fucking traitor are pretty high, seeing how much he worshipped my parents and their family. Maybe he sneaked out and went to Bellatrix Lestrange. He did take to her particularly. Silently, I prayed that he was snogging one of my father's older clothes upstairs or crying over my mother's bloomers. But I did mean it when I said he might have crawled into the airing cupboard and died. Sitting on a chair in the living room, I closed my eyes for a while.

I spoke to Ginny earlier on the drawing room. She's a rather nice girl and very pleasant to talk to. The strange thing about talking to Ginny is that she doesn't seem to judge me immediately, almost as if she was taking her time to read me. And the way she looked into my eyes just now... as though she was searching for something in me.

"Mr. Black?"

"Call me, Sirius," I had told her. She smiled gently then started again.

"Can I ask you something that may seem a little sensitive?" I nodded. No one had spoken to me so politely before so I had to oblige. I watched as she took a deep breath and asked, "How did you feel when you were accused for deaths you did not commit?"

I was taken back, of course. I did not think that anyone would want to know my feelings or my thoughts. Here, a young girl, in her fourth year in Hogwarts, is interested in knowing what the most-wanted man in the wizarding world feels. Then I found myself confessing to her things I never thought I would hear come out of my mouth.

I told her of how infuriated I had left the Dementors when they found nothing to take away... no happiness, no joy. Just pain, regret and anger. Dementors do not take that away from you. They find no need to take away anything they find pleasure in. And since I got change into a dog, they could not do anything to me. A dog's mind is different from that of a human's. It is calm and devoid of happiness unless excited. Whenever the Dementors weren't around, I would think of my revenge.

With the newspaper, I learnt about Peter being in Hogwarts. My revenge was plotted and I would kill that fucker. I wanted revenge so badly that I even spoke of it when I was in the cell, dreaming. All that was important to me was that Peter was in Hogwarts. Naturally, everyone thought I was talking about Harry being in Hogwarts. Heavens. If that were the case, I would have been muttering in my sleep since Harry's first year!

Slipping out, I hid in the Shrieking Shack in Hogsmeade. Yet, I found myself distracted time after time. When I spoke of the times James and I tormented Severus, Ginny frowned, as if trying to stop laughing but clearly disapproving of our actions. Then I smiled unknowingly.

"Why are you smiling?" Ginny asked, interrupting me gently. Now her frown had given away to a look of innocence.

"You remind me of someone I once knew. Harry's mother to be exact, Lily Potter... She had fiery red hair like yours. But you... do you feel anything for Harry?" Was there any chance of Ginny and Harry being together just as Lily and James were?

Ginny burst into laughter almost immediately and waved my words away. Then when she reduced to a grin, she answered, "I used to, but not any more. Harry's just a really good friend. Oh, but do continue with your story."

Then I told her of how I then channeled all those memories into rage and pumped myself up for revenge. Her mouth hung open slightly and her big eyes widened further, still staring into me. Furthermore, I wanted to be punished for a crime that I did do. Ginny then bit her lower lip nervously as I told her what that had happened to boys attacking Severus. At this point, Ginny grinned and shook her head. Then I told her of Harry's Patronus. I had seen Harry summon it while I was in a daze. Then just before my eyes closed completely to give way to unconsciousness, I saw another Harry... and James.

When I came to, I was alone but tied up. Still, a sense of gloom overcame me and I knew the Dementors were out there. When I was talking to Harry just now, he expressed joy in wanting to stay with me. Yet, the shred of happiness I had just discovered was stolen from me slowly but surely. The warmth I felt when I saw James' stag again was now dragged out of me. Inside, I struggled and fought against the Dementor, clinging onto the memory desperately. I wasn't going to let my best friend leave me like he had back then.

Before I could tell Ginny about how Hermione and Harry had saved me, I turned to her. Her eyes were flashing with anger and tears.

"Ginny?"

"You didn't deserve, Sirius. You didn't deserve it at all."

"Ginny dear, sometimes in life, we get what we don't deserve. Life isn't fair all to anyone at all-"

"You didn't deserve it," she repeated in a whisper, tears still streaming down her rosy cheeks. She was feeling sorry for me. Normally, my pride would have not allowed anyone to feel sorry for me but I was comforted by Ginny's tears. It was as though she cared enough to cry for me.

"Ginny," I heard myself speak in a soft gentle tone I had never used before (and maybe will never use again) and raised both arms slightly. Ginny stared at me and ran into my arms, holding me tightly. I returned the hug and felt her body shudder with each wreaking sob. Later, she had fallen asleep on my shoulder and I carried her back to the bedroom. Told Molly that Ginny was reading in the drawing room when she fell asleep. Don't think Molly believed me but she didn't question further.

Staring around me, I sighed. It was definitely late already. I had to get back to bed. Tomorrow's another long day and Severus is coming. Don't know when but I doubt it's anything good.