Reflections

It's not like I love life or adore it

'Cos in fact I'm weary and sick of it

But there must be a reason why I was born

Therefore I must, can and will carry on!

- "Carry on" by me

I tossed and turned in the stupid bed. It's feeling lumpy unlike the previous few nights. I bet Kreacher dumped rats or maybe even the shrunken heads of his ancestors in my bed just for the hell of it. Or maybe I'm just imagining things to come up with excuses to get out of the bed and go to the window. Either way, I shuffled out of the bed and headed towards the window. I opened it and let the night breeze wander in aimlessly. It felt good to let the fresh air embrace my face after a long time. Even though I felt relaxed on the outside, inside, I felt like I was wrung from the hands of someone. Don't know who... just someone.

I actually had a proper conversation with Harry just the other night. I have to admit that I was not at all amused to see him shocked by the old bitch's picture downstairs. Once he laid eyes on her, she was screaming her stupid head off again. It's the Permanent Sticking Charm... I really have to talk to Alastor about it and pray that he can do something. Harry did see rather taken back when I told him that 12 Grimmauld Place was mine. Knowing him, he must have thought that this was Tom Riddle's place. But he should know better. Voldermort was after all Muggle-born. Since his father was a Muggle, his house would be in a Muggle area. Harry obviously is missing Lily's brains and James' wit.

Silly ancestors of mine, though... What's the deal with doorknobs that look like serpents' heads? Ron was swearing all the explicit words he could think off when he saw the house... Molly wasn't pleased at all. Did she think I was pleased? Of course not... For a fifteen year old, Ron knows far too little explicit words. He's a little disappointment. Wonder if Harry knows many... I could get around to teaching him without Molly around. I hope she didn't keep any Extendable ears that Fred and George made.

There's still a lot of cleaning to do. Molly can be such a nag. Fine, my dearest cousin wants the place livable for others... So what if there are Doxys and Boggarts in my drawing room? As if that wasn't enough, she blew up at me just because I wanted to be honest with Harry. Harry has every right to know about the Order and even Voldermort. She can't keep protecting him from something that he would have to know eventually. And what did she mean by saying that Harry is not James? Of course I know Harry's not James.

Of course I do.

I'm just denying that truth.

I do miss James loads. When I look at Harry, it's really as if I'm looking at James again, just with an extra scar and emerald eyes like Lily's. I cannot deny that part of me wants to tell Harry everything just 'cos he looks like James. But I am clearly aware of the difference. But Harry still has the right to know.

Harry was strangely calm as I told him about Voldermort being after him as Harry was the one who bore witness to his return. The idiot heir wanted to stay hidden in the shadows. Two words. He can't. So now, he's after Harry's hide... as usual, again. Dumbledore is being a prat really. Something in me wants to tell Harry of the prophecy. But Dumbledore says "no". And he knows that I will listen to him now. Argh. My head is going to burst.

But Harry is a little brat at that too. He's being demanding, wanting to know everything that we haven't told me. Spoilt for a boy who should be used to not getting his way when he was younger. Maybe it's the backlash. Or it could be the frustration. Either way, I had to remain calm and watch my words or Molly would have whisked him and the others back to their rooms. That cousin of mine is too much... really.

But Molly will never have an idea of how much she had hurt me just now. She called Harry her "son" and hinted that I was a terrible godfather. I swear I would have hexed her silly head and thrown her out of the house if it wasn't for Remus or Arthur. Or Bill.

Speaking of Bill, he is the most particular character. Molly keeps asking him to cut his hair. When I told her that she should be grateful that Bill at least had the decency to tie it up, she hissed at me, "Don't give him any ideas, man-with-long-hair."

She was never good at name-calling. Maybe not everything's changed from the last time. It definitely took her a while to get use to me being a normal person. Am I normal? Ok... it took her a while to get used to the fact that her ex-convict cousin was innocent and that I never did betray James and Lily. But the look of horror on her face was priceless when Remus and I told her about Scabbers... or rather, Peter. The kids were in awe, Arthur in shock and Molly... let's just say she fainted. It wasn't a very pretty sight. It took Remus, Arthur and I to heave her up the stairs and back into her designated room and close the door just before the crazy bitch started her nightly ranting.

Speaking of Molly. I cannot forget the night she tried to take on the Boggart. By the time we reached the drawing room, I saw Harry lying there, dead. The real Harry stood there next to me but my eyes were lingering on the spot where "Harry" had lain. What was before Harry's body? Then Molly's words haunted me.

"I see them d - d - dead all the time! All the t - t - time! I d - d - dream about it..."

It was her family, even Percy I think. Who would I have seen? Maybe James. But James is already dead. I definitely wouldn't see Peter. I guess the only two dead bodies that would have frightened me would be Remus and Harry. So it's only two bodies?

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair for the millionth time that day. It would actually be nice to see more bodies. I'm not demented or anything. But the bodies Molly saw were people that she cared about. They were her family. Where's mine? Guess of now, it merely comprises of Remus and Harry. Because I ran away from my family... I always wanted to be different and I got my wish. I do not regret a thing I did. Back to Molly's family... would Percy regret his actions? Then I found myself speaking up suddenly.

"Don't worry about Percy. He'll come round. It's only a matter of time before Voldermort moves into the open; once he does, the whole Ministry's going to be begging us to forgive them. And I'm not sure I'll be accepting their apology."

I had no idea why I suddenly mentioned Percy. He just came to mind. I guess he reminded me of myself to a certain extent. But Percy's naïve and far too young... and I'm not stupid enough to tell Percy all that. Arthur had a good mind to shake Percy to his senses. But for once, he listened to me. Percy should learn from his mistakes. They say fools learn from experience while the smart ones learn from these fools. I think not.