Reflections

I've been looking in the mirror for so long
That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side
Oh the little pieces falling, shatter
Shards of me
Too sharp to put back together
Too small to matter
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.

I woke up suddenly. There was a scream... Lily's scream. It was another one of my dreams, nothing more than that. But yet, it had been so real. I was not there to see it for myself... I was too late. But I could play every scene clearly in my head even when I did not sleep, as if it were a movie. Maybe that's what it is to me, a mere movie, something I could not have altered. I didn't write the script. I didn't ask for Lily or James to die. The wind blew from the window, drying the cold sweat on my slightly damp forehead.

I fought with the sheets to get out of the bed and stared out of the window. The crazy old hag downstairs was already screeching about a particular someone. Her every word could not pierce me for I had stopped listening to her since I was sixteen. Of course her words were directed at me. Who else? Her precious Regulus Black? No.

"Stains of dishonor, blood traitors, children of filth!"

Then she paused. I breathed deeply, counted to three and the whole tirade of words began again. It was no use walking around the room aimlessly. Sighing, I returned to bed and lay there for a while. Then my mind went back stubbornly to the dream I just had.

I could still see Lily in my mind; her green beautiful eyes had lost their usual charm and her fiery red hair lost its bounce. It was limp as it clung to her sweat-drenched face. In her hands was the unmistakable Harry Potter, the future of the wizarding world. Not just hers or James' future. The whole wizarding world rested on the shoulders of that baby boy. James' own hazel eyes had lost their mischievous twinkle for once and his hair was messier than I had ever seen it. His words echoed in my minds.

"Take Harry and go!"

Something shuddered in me. I didn't even hear his words, and didn't even know if he said them... but still it's repeated over and over again in my mind. I guess it's the guilt that still haunts me. It was a choice I made and I am not proud of it at all. But I could not see beforehand the outcome of my decision. I should have never trusted Peter. But we were all friends, or so I thought.

Peter Pettigrew... Wormtail... I shook my head. How I wished we could have gone back to the days when we were carefree and innocent. A smile tugged reluctantly at the corners of my lips. It seemed as though we were only fifteen, having just finished our exams. Having just talked about werewolves and the questions, we attacked Severus just for the fun of it. Then Lily, bless her sweet gentle soul, stopped us. James' crush on her made him stop. Then he tried to attack me. In the end, he landed up in the hospital wing. Served him right for running right into the tree. He should have known that I would hit him back, if not harder. Speaking of that devilishly handsome Severus...

Mr. Moony presents his complements to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.

Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a Professor.

Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

When Remus told me about Severus getting his fingers on our map, I laughed out loud. We had charmed the map marvelously. Evil but marvelously. And I was glad that Fred and George found it. They deserved all the fun they had gotten out of it. They reminded me of James, Remus and I squashed into two bodies. But not Peter... they weren't cowards hiding as rats in the Burrow. They did not follow the strongest or cleverest around. They did not turn against Dumbledore. Most importantly, they did not turn to Voldermort.

I wished Peter had talked to us instead of taking things into his own hands. Sure, we did hope that he would gain a little independence. But turning to the Dark side... I resisted, why couldn't he? Look at that bastard Regulus, he didn't resist. He was soft; my younger brother was too soft. Then he gave his life just like that.

As if by a charm, I could hear my mother shrieking those words when we were younger.

"Can't you be more like Regulus? You're blessed with the looks but brains you have none! It's that oddball crowd you're hanging with! Are you even sure that they are all purebloods? We, Blacks-"

Running my fingers through my hair, I combed some strands of dark hair out of my eyes. If anyone was blessed with the brains, it was I, not Regulus. I had the brains to see the fanatical twisted side of my family. I had the right of mind to run away when I was sixteen and given the chance to turn back time, I would not change anything I did.

Maybe I would change something. I would declare myself as James' Secret Keeper. Power does not intimidate me, and it will never. I knew Voldermort would go for me. In fact, he did. He approached me just as he approached Regulus. But I was stronger. I refused him. He left me alone. I guess he knew that it didn't matter since I was always hanging around the "Mudbloods". And he already knew that I wasn't the Potters' Secret Keeper. Sure... being a Death Eater would mean the return of the most wonderful name on Earth, Sirius Black, onto the Black tapestry. But it was just my name, not me. I could not betray my friends. I could not betray the one sister I never had, Lily.

As much as James was my best friend along with Remus, I had grown closer to Lily than James had known. It was me that Lily confided her fears in. Ha, eat dirt, Remus. Bet that prat thought Lily told him everything. Being the prefect in our midst with Lily... so what? I was the one Lily approached when she needed someone to beat up, someone to fight back, and most importantly, someone to confide her fears. Come to think of it, it wasn't just Lily.

Narcissa used to do that with me when we were younger as well. It was just so fun to tumble in the dirt for a minute or two then sit together and suddenly talk serious. But the young sweet cousin I knew was brainwashed as well... married that horrid bastard Lucius. I knew she had changed when once, I jokingly suggested that we mess up Lucius hair in one letter shortly after the marriage. After that, we never talked. She didn't reply. But it was ok. I lost only one 'sister'. I still had Lily.

But everything changed once Lily married James. We drifted a little but still talked. There was no way we could have "tumbled in the dirt" like five year olds. But she never stopped being my little sister... or older sister at times. I can still see the shock on James' face when I suggested that fucking Peter. But it did not move me. Only when I saw Lily's disappointment, did the pangs of guilt sink in horribly. Her green eyes were filled with hurt. Her words to me hit me hardest.

How could you?

Three mere words on the parchment that night and I nearly died. They held more meaning than any other conversation we ever had. She was so glad when I was the best man at their wedding. She even told me I was much better looking than James and called me brother for the first time. My heart swelled in pride to watch her walk down the aisle. Something told me to punch James and warn him to watch his step when around Lily. But I held it back. Couldn't let Mr. Potter think that I had the hots for his girl. Especially when I didn't.

Prongs... I miss him still. Been about fourteen long years but he's far from me. Something's telling me I'm going to see my two very special friends again, some time soon as well. But it's just a gut feeling. I wish I were a Seer... or maybe possess a device to talk to them. The mirror of Erised was desirable now... Ridiculous really... One large house and shrunken house elves heads with a million and one gadgets with no use in particular and none could help me contact my friends. And now, I'm alone in this screwed up hellhole.

Putting a Silencing spell around my room, I let out a frustrated roar. All I want now is to go out. But Dumbledore said no. He had always said no. I had never listen throughout my schooling life. Why should I listen to him now? I know why. James would have told me to run free with him... but James can no longer run with me. Lily would have told me to stay and my respect for her is keeping me indoors. Add Remus and they would have outnumbered James and I, three to two. But I'm not stupid. I'm no longer an idiot reckless impulsive angsty teenager. I'm an idiot, impulsive and not-so-angsty adult.

But the dream... it had been so vivid. Voldermort was dark and a blur, but I could feel the greatness of his power radiating from him. And the fear from my best friend and his wife was fresh. It was almost as if Voldermort was feeding upon their fear to make himself more powerful. Fucking bastard. Some kind of best friend I was... I led James and Lily to their deaths. I will make it up to them to save their future. I will save their future, the wizarding world's future... my future. I will even give my life to save that future - Harry Potter.