Both Sides

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere,
I've looked at clouds that way.

She sighed and watched the white clouds roll by while the gray clouds in her heart thundered and rained. He had seen her crying that night in the living room. At his concern words, she poured out her heart to him, telling him about her parents and finally crying herself to sleep in the warmth of his arms.

From that night on, she felt a special closeness to him and they talked whenever possible. Inwardly, she would smile at every chance they had to speak. He was impossibly charming in a roguish sort of way that made her glad with his mere presence. Buried feelings from her third and fourth year came back and haunted her. With the starting of the new school term, she knew she would be unable to see him again. Then, he promised to write to her if she would write to him. Her heart swooned at his words and she nodded.

She knew that he would never see her the way she saw him. To her, he was the world. With his wicked grin and wit, he had eased his way into the hidden depths of her heart that was exclusive. Each letter that found its way to her dorm late in the night filled her eyes with tears of joy and sadness at the same time. He would tell her of the funny happenings at the Order and end off with how wonderful a writer she was. But he never failed to tell her that she was the sweetest little sister he knew he would ever have.

Unable to take it, she wrote back, expressing her anguish in being nothing more but a mere "little sister" in his eyes. She wrote of the pain and agony that tormented her mind each time she read his letters, knowing that he was far from her. Everything, she wrote and once again, poured out her heart and soul onto the parchment in front of her with her neat handwriting, along with wild tears that strayed from the corners of her sad eyes.

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done,
But clouds got in my way.

He wrote back but not with a letter bearing more love than others. Instead, he apologized for what he was undeserving of and could not give back. She cried herself to sleep after reading it. Her reply to him was just as apologetic and remorseful while chiding herself for being engulfed in what might be a childish admiration and infatuation. In her own mind, she had pictured them together, having fun and loving each other. It was a charade... a mere fantasy that she wove but it would have to do. The letters were soon put to the back of his mind, she knew, for he started to question her about her parents again.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's cloud's illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Her fantasies ate her up and she found herself trapped between what was real and what was not. The make-believe dates and confessions of love soon led her to imagine that he really loved her. Slowly, she allowed it to drag her further into quicksand of hopelessness. Each letter she received was a rude awakening for a few minutes before she lapsed back into her own world.

Harry and Ron were concern, Ginny even more than them. The younger girl heard her sobs by the fireplace one night but Hermione brushed her questions away with a mere smile. Her own fantasy world was driving her insane. There was no way Hermione would tell Ginny what she felt. She had seen Ginny speak to him on the night when they came back from the hospital during Christmas where Arthur was recuperating and the two of them were very close. She watched as Ginny listened to him intently, her hazel eyes sparkling with radiance at his every word. Deep inside, Hermione wished that he was speaking to her and not Ginny.

She looked on from a corner as Ginny suddenly burst into laughter and jealousy filled her heart. How she wanted to run out and shake the younger girl! Restraining herself, she watched as Ginny grinned and they continued the conversation, him talking and she listening. Hermione bit on her lower lip, wondering how much more she could tolerate. Ginny's expressions as well as his were beginning to become serious and nearly angry. When Ginny ran into his slightly outstretched arms and cried into his shoulders, Hermione shook with rage and closed her eyes tightly before opening, praying that it was all a dream. It was not. She sat there in the shadows, numbed with hurt and waited until he finally carried Ginny up the stairs. With that, she returned to her room for another sleepless night.

No, Ginny will never know. Sirius is hers and no one else's.

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels,
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real,
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show,
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
Don't give yourself away.

Hermione sighed into the breeze. She could not believe that she had allowed her fantasy to consume her almost to the state of no return. It was almost as though she had thrown her mother's words away. What made her sad was that it took Sirius' death to wake her up properly. Maybe...

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Maybe I don't know love, she thought to herself.

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.

A large tentacle rose lazily from the water only to disappear beneath the surface again. Hermione cocked her head to a side, sighed and watched as the remaining ripples disappeared near her.

She didn't expect Sirius to fade away that way. His death was beyond her comprehension and she sunk into depression shortly after that, trying to hide it from her friends. What stung her most was the fact that she realized she was living a lie just as her parents had which she resented. Ginny noticed the change but knowing that Hermione would merely smile at her, she did not question her friend further. Leaving Hermione to herself, Ginny dipped into gloominess herself, often spending time up alone in the Astronomy tower.

Oh but now old friends they're acting strange,
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day.

Hermione stared at the letter in her hands. Her parents had written, together. Seems that all problems were sorted out during the winter vacation and the family was to be whole again. She wished silently that Sirius had seen her parents for himself. He told her that things would work out eventually and they did. She just wished that he had witnessed it for himself.

The infatuation had vanished too. It was a fleeting crush of the moment for he was there when she needed someone the most. Her mind then was unable to think clearly and launched into a dreamy mode, making her believe that she really did love Sirius. She did love Sirius, but in a sisterly way. Wondering why she grew jealous and crazy over Sirius, she shook her head in disgust at herself for nearly ruining a friendship. Hermione then scolded herself for being so silly in her actions and sighed again.

Then, Hermione noticed a silent figure cut across the grass in front of her to go towards the school. The fiery red flaming hair was unmistakable. Getting up, Hermione walked briskly before breaking into a slow jog and got to the figure before the figure disappeared up the steps to the Astronomy tower.

"Ginny dear, I must speak to you," Hermione said, putting a hand on the younger girl's shoulder.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Ginny turned to face her friend with tear streaked cheeks. Then shakily, she leaned on Hermione and wept. Hermione's heart softened and she wrapped her arms around Ginny, whispering gentle words of comfort into her ears. Then she heard Ginny whisper, "I wish he was still alive."

"Who?" Hermione asked softly though she knew the answer already.

"Sirius. I wish he was still alive. He'd know how to make the hurt go away, he always did. He knew how to make me smile despite the hurt but how ironic is it that he's the one hurting me now? Oh Hermione, I'm afraid... so afraid of the war that's going to come. How long more can Hogwarts provide us with a fortress? Everyone's pretending that everything's ok even though it obviously is not."

"Ginny-"

"Harry and Malfoy even found the mood to fight as usual but I know they're so tired of it. Why can't they just grow up? If Sirius were still alive, he would have bitten Malfoy and set everything right," Ginny sobbed. Hermione smiled at Ginny's words. Then Ginny looked up Hermione, "Why must Death rob me of those I care most about? Why must it rob me of the older brother I had just found? Why? I want him here, listening to me cry and consoling me like he would... I just want him here like an older brother would when Bill and Charlie can't make it."

She burst into fresh tears again and buried her head in Hermione's shoulder. Hermione stood there, stunned by Ginny's words. Ginny had always seen Sirius as an older brother. To think she had shut the younger girl from her world through a horrid mistake on her part. Biting on her lower lip, Hermione held Ginny tightly, frustrated by everything... by life itself.

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all