Moon River

Moon River

I didn't even notice it was the full moon. I don't know how many have passed since I've been here. I don't even know how long I've been here. It's easy to lose track of time when you're constantly living in your own nightmares. It's easy to lose everything when you're trapped. But there's one thing I can't stand to lose and I'll hang on to it for dear life.

And that one thing, that's you, Moony.

It's as if they knew. As if they knew that this is the worst torture they could put me through: watching the full moon from my tiny cell. Seeing it without being able to wallow in it, without being with you. How I wish I could be next to you, right now, barking at it. Daring it, as we have done for so many years, to do its worst. And who knew that it would one day.

It's appropriate. All that water, the reflective surface creating a second moon. My moon. I'm suffering, right here with you, Moony. Right here.

I can stand the Dementors, it's hard and painful, and I won't deny it. But this is harder. I've had my share of awful memories -having an awful family- but the thing that hurts most is the memories I don't have, the ones I'm not building with you. The ones I should be building with you.

But now, all I can do is stare at my Moon River...

Moon River

Wider than a mile

I'm crossing you in style

Someday

D'you remember that song, Moony? I do.

Of all the happy things in my life this is the last they can take from me. This memory is the thing that keeps me from breaking. It was, easily, the happiest moment of my life. I'll always remember it.

We picked a nice day, didn't we? Prongs' wedding. Three more songs to go when Lily's father decides to put on one of Lily's favourites. 'Moon River'.

You should've seen your face when you heard it. When I dragged you onto the dance floor. I had no choice, remember. I had a bet with James that I'd dance every dance- however drunk I was. I was supposed to be the light of the party and seeing as your date was dancing with Lily's cousin Karl and my date was lying with her head in the toilet, you were the only one left.

I remember how you kept hissing insults under your breath. You kept on telling me to stop. And when I asked why, you said you wouldn't dance with people who lacked any sense of fashion. Admittedly, the bright turquoise tux and the ruffled shirt were not the best choice I could've made, but it was to honour Lily's Muggle descent.

That's when I held you closer, when everything finally seemed to fall into its place. I just annihilated the space we had created with our nearly outstretched arms and together with it, your objections died too.

My hands on the small of your back, yours on my shoulder blades and it was as if all the lights everywhere else in the entire world had gone out and only one bright spot shone on us. Our chests not even an inch apart, our breathing and heartbeat completely simultaneous.

I had never felt so anxious and calm, never felt so right and yet so wrong. I took in the world that evening, as I took you in. You're my world.

The silly moves we had started with were nothing more than a nearly imperceptible rocking. And when we broke apart, I felt so empty and confused. Everything had changed. I couldn't understand. I couldn't understand how I could feel this way about one of my best friends and yet I couldn't understand how I had missed these obvious signs for over seven years.

It was hard to figure out what to do. I was Sirius Black and not attracted to men. How stupid I was back then. If only I had realised that I wasn't attracted to a man, but that I was attracted to you.

People don't fall in love with genders, they fall in love with a soul- one they can connect with. They fall in love with the person that's inside, not the skirt or trousers they're wearing.

We beat around the bush for so long. When I had finally come to terms with my feelings, you didn't want anything to do with me anymore.

Of course, you were a lot quicker than me and you had realised long before me what it meant to love, irrespective of the sexes. James needed to tell me that you had been feeling things for me for quite a while. It took me some time to convince you that I was sure of my feelings. That I was Padfoot and attracted to Moony. That I was Sirius and in love with Remus.

Just as the real moon, you controlled me. You influenced every single step I took, every casual gesture I made to swipe the hair from my eyes, every breath I took and yawn I stifled. That was all your doing. And thinking I might've lost you because of my stupidity, that broke my heart into tiny pieces- pieces I once thought beyond repair.

And yet there you were, giving in to our love. You were the cure for nightmares, Moony, and you made mine go away.

You dream maker

You heartbreaker

Wherever you're going

I'm going your way

They're getting to me, Moony. These Dementors, their torture... I don't know how much longer I'll be able to hold out. They bring out the pessimist in me, and they have even got that pessimist so far he's wishing we never got together.

Not because I regret it, no, but because I realise, now more than ever, how much I hurt you. I have hurt you too many times, Moony. I didn't deserve you. I was foolish, caught up in myself, thinking I was the smartest and the best. I wasn't, nor have I ever been, either. But you were.

I've broken your heart too many times. By refusing you at first, by sending Snape down that Willow, by thinking you were the traitor.

I should've known it wasn't you. How could it have been you? You have the purest soul, the most devoted heart. You never, not even for one second, gave any of us a reason to believe you could betray us...

I didn't want to believe it. It took me weeks to convince myself it was you. I told myself Peter was too scared of the three of us to do something like that. That he knew we'd kill him, should he turn. So there was no one else left. I started seeing things, things I needed to assure myself that it was you. You started to shun us, you stayed away from us for days and then you'd suddenly Floo in for a cup of tea, but after five minutes, you would leave again. During those five minutes, I saw a Remus I'd never seen before, you weren't as reserved as you used to be, but you were open. You didn't hide your emotions. You cried openly at the kitchen table, you talked about your fears... about how much you missed us- me.

I can't believe how wrongly I interpreted that. I thought that you were too busy with Death Eater things. Or that's what I wanted to think, at least. I fooled myself into believing that those emotions were a mask, something you used to make us think you were- I don't know. It sounds so wrong now and I can't see how I could think I was right.

You were the cement that kept the four of us together, Moony. You gave and have always given Wormtail, Prongs and Padfoot a reason to be... And when you left, all I could do was crumble and fall apart. I knew that, without you, I was nothing. I didn't want to believe you could just leave for two weeks and not even owl me. I missed you so much and I longed for you. I couldn't figure out a reason for you to leave me like that. Didn't you love me?

But I should've seen that you stayed away to protect us. You knew Voldemort would come after you because you were a Dark Creature. You knew that, should you stay close to us, we would've been dead in no time. And those tears, those many times you said 'I love you' at our place- that wasn't an act... It was those two weeks of loneliness, the fears and uncertainties that finally caught up with you.

I was so blind and confused. I didn't know what to believe and I guess I took the easy way out.

But I promise you now, Moony, that should I ever make it out of here, I'm going your way. When I cross this Moon River, I'm yours to lead, whatever it may lead to. I'm following you wherever you go. No matter what path you choose, no matter how hard it is... Being with you will make it easy. And I'll be with you, always.

Two drifters off to see the world

There's such a lot of world to see

We're after the same rainbows end

Waiting round the band

My huckleberry friend

Moon River

and me

D'you remember the promises we made to each other? We were going to explore the world, we were going to invent new alcoholic beverages, we were going to teach Harry a lot of pranks... We were going to be together forever.

Merlin, I miss you so much. I miss the way you sigh when you can't figure something out, I miss the way you cough when your tea's too hot, I miss the way you absently scratch your neck and shoulder blades when you're reading a book, I miss the way you always put on your left sleeve before your right.

But what I miss most is how you could be the world to me, Moony. I miss how I used to lay my head on your stomach. I could close my eyes and pretend that the moving of your belly was the sea, that the sound of your breathing was the wind and the rest of your body all the food and shelter I would ever need.

I could've lived through everything, Moony, with you by my side. I could've fought the Dementors, I could've killed Peter before it was too late...

But now, now I'm nothing. I don't even remember the way you smell. I don't remember the perfect tickling of your soft hair as I smelled it. I don't remember the angle I used to tilt my chin into when we kissed or the way I knew every single inch of your body with my hands.
They're lost, those simple things I used to know by heart. I don't remember them. I don't even know if I have enough heart left to know things by. It's broken. Ripped to pieces. It was blown up, together with that street and those thirteen Muggles... Just like yours.

I miss James and Lily, but it's different. They've left us, they're someplace better, I guess. But you're not. You're so close and I can't reach you. Knowing that you're out there, alone. Knowing that you don't have one of us around to calm you, that's... It hurts.

It might not be a nice thing to say, but somehow I envy James and Lily. Wherever they are, at least they're together. Neither of them had to live on without the other. They couldn't have, I think.

But we were just torn apart. I don't know where you are, what you're going to do... I don't know where you'll be in five years and I won't know where you'll be when I get out. We were just thrown onto two different paths facing the same obstacles. Who's to say we'll end up together again?

I'm not, but I'll do everything in my power to make us... Only if you still want me, of course. I would understand if you hate me right now and I would understand if you hate me in ten years' time. But for now, let me think you love me. Otherwise I couldn't care less if the Dementors came in right now and kissed me. If you don't, I'll pray to whatever deity that I might die together with your love.

You're the one that keeps me sane and human, Moony. Without you, there's nothing to me but weak flesh and rotten bones. You're my heart and my soul. I need your love to get out of here, to help Harry, to make Peter pay... To live.

We're after the same rainbows end

Waiting round the band

My huckleberry friend

Moon River

and me

I hope you'll get the chance to make some of your dreams come true. I'd lie if I told you I didn't want you to wait for me, but your happiness is more important than mine.

Love who you love. But please, Moony, when that day comes when we're standing eye to eye to each other again, accept my love.

Forget if you need to, but let me remember.

Don't wait, but let me wait.

Don't cry, let me cry.

Don't hurt yourself, I've already done enough of that for the two of us.

Hurt me if you feel like it. I can't ever be hurt enough for everything I put you, James and Lily through.

Hate me if you feel like it, just don't let me know just yet.

Know better if you want to, but let me believe it's still Remus and Sirius. Still Moony and Padfoot. Still you and me...

You're the material of dreams, Moony, and you made mine come true.