The Black Monologues

The name's Black-

Sirius Black.

I'm an innocent yet to be exonerated.

And yes, before you all start yapping-

I know what the word means.

I may be on the run, but I'm not thick-

Well, not in the intelligence department anyway.

So anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah- exonerated-

I was captured for killing my best friend, his wife-

A rat, and several Muggles-

I didn't do it of course.

But no one believed me and so I was sent-

Actually it was more of a push-

I was thrown into Azkaban.

That's a jail if you didn't know.

A bad ass, Wizard jail that-

Well let's just say it sucks the fun right out of you.

So, anyway-

I was in this jail. Azkaban. For twelve years.

When I came out everything was different.

The grass was greener.

Sun felt warmer-

My best friend was dead and his killer was after his son.

Add to all of that the fact that I couldn't be seen-

And you can probably tell I was fucked.

Big time.

So I did what any self-respecting Wizard in my situation would do-

I turned into a dog and ran.

No. It's not what you think-

I'm not the type to run away from problems.

I tend to charge towards them.

It's the Marauder in me-

Well, actually it's the masochist, but who really cares?

So, anyway, I ran-

Straight to Hogwarts-

Needless to say, madness ensued.

My best friend's son-

My godson-

Well, he nearly died, again.

Like a fool I rushed in to save him-

And got captured.

If it wasn't for a nifty timepiece and a strong hippogriff-

A nifty timepiece, a strong hippogriff and a smart witch-

I'd have been toast.

This brings me to my next topic-

No, not toast-

Hermione-

I know what you're all thinking-

Perverts.

I'm not that insane yet. For Pete's sake she's only thirteen-

I'd wait at least until she was four-

Maybe five years older.

I'm not a child molester-

Just in love.

I love Hermione.

Thirty five and in love with a schoolgirl-

Yep that's me.

Black.

Sirius Black.

Aren't I a sick fuck?