No One Deserves It

I'll tell you why I don't want to know where you are

I've got a joke I've been dying to tell you

The silent kid is looking down the barrel

To make the noise that I've kept so quiet

Kept it from you, Pitseleh.

Sirius' arrival at Remus' house had been awkward at best. Remus had opened the door, stared blankly at the large dog sitting on his stoop, and ushered him inside without a word.

Once the door was closed and the security wards were firmly in place, Sirius reverted back to his human form. He chewed on his bottom lip as he waited for Remus to criticize his too-thin frame and straggly hair, but no vocal judgment came. He took a few tentative steps towards his former lover, even going as far to raise his arms slightly in hopes of an embrace.

"Can I get you some tea?" Remus asked, already moving towards the small kitchen. Sirius nodded his reply, although he knew Remus could not see it.

Sirius looked around the living room. With this being Remus' house, he was not surprised to see hundreds of old tomes spilling out of a few shabby bookcases. The rest of his furniture looked as if it had gone through decades of abuse and torture. This, of course, was most likely the werewolf's doing. The faded wallpaper was peeling in huge strips, and the carpet was worn through.

He went to join Remus when he heard the kettle whistle. The kitchen was no better than the living room. Sirius mutely accepted his cup and took a seat at what was possibly the oldest surviving table known to man. A few minutes dragged by, and the silence was becoming unbearable.

"This is a nice place, Remus."

"No it isn't."

There was something in Remus' voice that gave Sirius the impression that he was having tea with a complete stranger, and not someone he had known since he was eleven. Had Remus always sounded that bitter? Had he simply forgotten?

"No, I suppose it isn't," Sirius said quietly. "Though I must say, it's a lot nicer than a cave." He chuckled quietly at his own joke, but stopped when he realized Remus was glaring at him. Remus abruptly left his seat and stormed over to the pantry.

"I don't have any rats. I hope these will do," he said as he threw a box of biscuits down in front of Sirius.

Sirius watched, dumbfounded, as Remus stormed out of the kitchen back towards the living room. After a few moments of contemplation, he followed his friend.

He walked into the dilapidated room to find Remus furiously flipping through a large volume on Ancient Runes. He didn't fail to notice that the book was being held upside down. Sirius didn't know why Remus was so upset, but he intended to find out.

"Y-You do know why I'm here, right?" he asked hesitantly.

"Of course I do," Remus spat, "Dumbledore has enough trust in me to tell me these types of things. You're here because you need somewhere to stay until we can set up a new headquarters for the Order. You would have arrived sooner, except you had to inform Arabella and Mundungus about the events of the Tri-Wizard's Tournament." He paused and sighed exasperatedly. "Yes, Sirius, I do know why you're here."

He dropped the book and plopped heavily onto the couch, cradling his head in his hands. Sirius stared at the ground, groping about for what to say.

"I...I could leave...I mean, maybe it would be better if I went back to the cave in Hogsmeade..."

"Oh yes, your precious abode," Remus drawled sarcastically. "I am terribly sorry you had to be plucked from your hay and newspaper bed. Don't be an idiot, Sirius. Dumbledore told you to come here, and we've learned by now that he has his reasons and that his reasons are usually right."

Mustering up his courage, Sirius sat down next to Remus. "I think he may have had more than one reason for sending me here, Re."

"What the hell are you blathering about?"

"You know Dumbledore, always likes to see people happy...I mean, he could have just as easily have sent me to stay with Dung. Remus, I...I've missed you. I've missed us."

Before he could lose his nerve, Sirius leaned over and kissed his companion. Remus' lips were just as soft as they were thirteen years ago, and they still tasted like honey. He opened his mouth slightly to intensify the kiss, but instead was met by two strong hands forcing him back.

"Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Sirius shrank back as far as he could. The last time he had seen Remus so angry was after he had led Snape into the Whomping Willow.

It took him a minute or two, but he finally found his voice again. "I...I just thought that-"

"You thought that since we had a romantic relationship over a decade ago you could just waltz back and pick up where you left off?" By now Remus was on his feet, furiously pacing back and forth.

"Well...yeah, actually." Sirius rose to meet Remus. He stood in front of the werewolf, placing his hands on Remus' shoulders to stop his incessant walking.

"Remus, I've missed you terribly all these years. Being without you has been like being without oxygen. After what we had...what we shared...I know you have to feel the same way. Please Re, I feel like a part of me is missing."

Sirius felt as though the amber eyes staring up at him were boring a hole into his head.

"How dare you presume to know what I think and feel," Remus hissed. He reclaimed his seat on the sofa, cradling his head in his hands once more. After what seemed like an eternity to Sirius, he finally looked up and spoke again.

"I'm not what's missing from your life now. I could never be the puzzle pieces."*

"Remus, what are you talking about? Please, I need you," Sirius pleaded as he sank down in front of his host.

"Bullshit, Sirius. If you needed me so fucking badly why did you choose to live as a dog in some fucking cave instead of coming here?"

"You know I had to stay close to Harry."

"Tell me, how long did it take you to get here from Hogwarts? Forty-five minutes? An hour at most? And do you see that fireplace over there? Do you really think I wouldn't be connected to the Floo Network? And do you harbor some illusion that owls won't deliver the post here? And lastly, exactly how many times did you actually see Harry this year? Once? Twice? Yes, I can see why you chose to rot away in some dank cave instead of staying here, or even bother owling me. Why have me for company when you can have a Hippogriff?"

"Remus...it wasn't like that. I was only thinking about Harry, and then the tournament...I'm sorry." He tried to grab Remus' hand, but it was quickly withdrawn.

"It's not just that, Siri. I mean, that definitely pisses me off but..."

"But what?"

They say that God makes problems just to see what you can stand before you do as the Devil pleases and give up the thing you love.

Remus sighed and turned away from the man kneeling before him.

"All the years you were in Azkaban, I kept dreaming that you would get out somehow. That we would be together again, and everything would be just as it was before. And that made me hate myself. I believed that you had killed three of my best friends, and I still couldn't hate you. I tried. I tried so hard to forget you...but I guess some part of me never truly believed you were guilty. Every time I saw Harry last year, I wanted him to punch or kick me...something, anything, as payback for loving his parents' murderer so goddamn much.

"When I saw you in the Shack, after I had figured it all out...I was happier than I had been in years. I thought we could get back to where we were before you left. I thought everything would be alright. But then you were gone again. And you didn't come back to me. And then I realized something.

"All those years ago, when we were searching for the spy in the Order...you had thought it was me. Of course, I realized this when I saw you last year, but I suppose it hadn't fully sunk in, you know? We lived together, shared a bed, shared our lives...and you thought I was the fucking traitor!"

"You thought I was the traitor too," Sirius said quietly.

"I didn't think it was you until there was a mountain of evidence staring me in the face and you were already locked up! I've always trusted you, Sirius. I trusted you not to tell anyone at school I was a werewolf. I trusted you to come back to me as soon as you could. I trusted you with my heart. Look where all that trust has gotten me."

"Remus," Sirius whispered, tears glinting in his grey eyes, "I had no idea..."

"Yes, well, I can't say that I'm surprised. You always were self-centered, weren't you? That was one of the things I used to love about you."

Sirius jumped to his feet and glared at Remus.

"Used to? Remus, are you honestly telling me that you don't love me anymore? Because God knows that my love for you has only grown over the years. I thought about you every fucking day as I rotted away in Azkaban. I dwelled on every horrible thing I'd ever done to you, and every horrible thing you've ever done to me." Remus opened his mouth to argue, but Sirius quickly cut him off. "Oh, come off it! Don't pretend to be an innocent victim! Surely you remember that New Year's Eve when you decided to snog as many people you could purely to make me jealous? Or that time you locked me out during that huge snowstorm? You were lonely, Remus? You could have come and visited. You could have just come and yelled at me, let some of your anger out. Instead you let it fester, and look how well that's worked out for you. You don't deserve that. No one deserves it. *"

Sirius stood in front of the man he once knew so well, so intimately. His tirade had taken all the breath out of him, and he panted to catch it. Remus was averting his eyes at all costs, holding back tears. Sighing, Sirius resumed his kneeling position.

"Damn it, Remus...I just need to know there's still some connection between us. I need to know that my life before Azkaban wasn't a complete waste. Otherwise, I don't know who the fuck I am. Please...I just need to feel you one more time."

Giving into his heart's demand, Remus looked down at the man before him. The tears he had been valiantly trying to hold back were now rolling slowly down his pale cheeks. He saw his own pain and loneliness reflected in Sirius' eyes, and knew there was only one thing left to do.

~*~

Sirius whimpered as Remus rolled off him. He knew it had been a pity-fuck, but god how he needed it. Some desperate part of him hoped that maybe it meant something to Remus as well, but Sirius knew that was foolish.

The silence was becoming excruciating. Was this really the same person he had shared a bed with for almost five years? The sex had been familiar and comfortable, but the aftermath felt as if Remus was just someone he had picked up in a pub one night.

Sirius thought about breaking the quiet a few times, before Remus finally took charge.

"The first time I saw you, I knew it would never last. *"

Sirius turned his head and shot the werewolf a quizzical look. His heart ached as he looked as his former lover bathed in the moonlight. He quickly turned back towards the wall so he wouldn't be tortured by Remus' beauty.

"What do you mean?" he finally croaked out.

"When we started this...whatever it was...is...I wanted it to be the real thing. I really wanted to believe that you and I would be together for the rest of our lives. But I knew it wouldn't last. Even before information started leaking out, before we knew Voldemort was targeting James and Lily...I knew there were too many factors working against us. But I fell in love with you anyway."

Sirius nodded silently, contemplating Remus' words. He was angry again. He was angry with Remus for loving him when he knew there was no real future. He was angry with Peter, for causing all of this major trouble to happen. But most of all, he was angry with himself.

"I'm not half what I wish I was*," he said softly. He made himself turn back to Remus and was met with imploring eyes.

"I should have been brave enough to be James and Lily's Secret Keeper. I should have done a better job of protecting Harry this year. I should have written to you, should have tried to call...I should have loved you better when I had the chance."

"You did the best you could, Paddy," Remus whispered. Sirius smiled slightly at the sound of his old nickname. It was then that he knew he was forgiven on some level, be it ever so small.

"Do...do you think there could ever be another chance for us?" Sirius asked hesitantly. "I mean, one day...when you can forgive me for being such an ass...and when we don't have to worry about Voldemort and Death Eaters...?"

It seemed an eternity before Remus answered.

"I don't know, Siri. I'm so angry. I don't think it will ever pass.*" He gave a light shrug. "But, then again, I failed Divination, so what the hell do I know? I do know that there's a part of me that desperately wants to forgive you. But...but I can't. Not now, at least. I think I can be your friend, but that's going to take a while as well."

It wasn't the exact answer he was hoping for, but Sirius decided it was better than a flat-out 'no.' He felt Remus sit up, and sighed sadly. He watched as he pulled on his boxer shorts and an old t-shirt that had been lying by the bed.

"You stay here," Remus commanded. "I'm going to sleep on the couch."

"No, it's your house and your bed-"

"Stop, Sirius. You stay here. The couch may look like shit, but it's surprisingly comfortable."

Remus finally allowed himself to smile, and looked pleased to see that Sirius reciprocated. He moved towards the door, but stopped and walked back to the bed. He kneeled on the mattress next to Sirius, and kissed him softly on the lips.

"There's a part of my heart that will always belong to you," he whispered, "but sometimes, I really think you're the worst thing that's ever happened to me."

Sirius watched sadly as Remus left the bedroom. He began to cry. For the friends he'd lost, the love he let slip away. He clutched desperately at the pillow beside him and drew a deep breath, taking in as much of Remus' scent as he possibly could.

It was in this position that he finally fell asleep.

I was bad news for you because I never meant to hurt you.