Confessions and Regrets

The woman, now forty-two years old, all alone and depressed in the lowly motel she was staying in, sat down on her bed and began to think. She usually thought about many things, where she was going to eat today, how she would try to put her hair up, when her boyfriend would come back from his drunken stupor at the bar close by, little things like that which inhabited the most part of her insignificant, day-to-day life. But today, she thought mostly about one thing. Something that she had regretted for almost her entire adult life. There was a song on the radio, a local rock station. The reception was fuzzy, mostly because the cheap antenna had snapped halfway down, probably from some stupid kid with a thirst for vandalizing.

How do you feel

How do you hate

How do you wake up with

That smile that's on your face

She picked up her quill. There was a scrap piece of parchment in her book on her bedside table. She started to write as the lyrics filled her head.

Dear Harry,

Two words so far, she thought. Hell, why am I doing this?

I know it's been a long time. Hell, I've even lost count of the years. It's been what, about twenty-five since we've seen each other?

Out on the moon

If I was an astronaut

Could I get back to you

So, it being so long, why would I ever bother to write you? We haven't shared so much as a word since graduation. Strange really, the paths in which life takes us. Well, it's been a rather boring day. I needed to fill it with something. You seemed to be on my mind today, so I thought writing you a letter would be a lovely solution. I suppose I really haven't changed since school, always choosing the most logical solution. But, I'm rambling. I suppose I should really change the subject.

Life for me is alright, I suppose. I've been traveling a lot. The guy I'm dating as of right now has got a band going. He travels a lot, and I go with him on the road. There's really nothing else going on right now. Of course, I've heard about you. You are all over the papers, naturally, just like you used to be, back in school. I heard you had a lovely wedding with Ginny. I always had a feeling you two would hook up after school. I am really sorry I couldn't come... there were other... pressing matters which needed to be dealt with at the time. I really do hope that you understand, and forgive me for missing it.

Maybe that's the real reason I'm writing you. To make amends, I suppose. I wouldn't really know where to begin. There's all the fighting we had when we were together, most of which was my doing. I guess that's what happens when you become too smart for your own good. You think you know it all, and that you are always right. Well, I wasn't always right, and I wasn't really ready to accept that. And I didn't realize that until it was too late.

I'm out of my head

I'm out of excuses so I'm staring at the bed

And it's you, it's you.

She looked at the twin bed beside her own, which was neat and tidy, and hadn't been slept in.

But you know what I'm sorry for most Harry? I'm sorry that I let you go. I should have tried to make it work, and I didn't. I failed you, I failed us. And that's the one thing that I would want to do over again.

I hold on, I hold on

I can't let go of you

And you don't know

How I feel

I hold on, I hold on

I'd sell my soul for you

And you don't know

How I feel

I realize that there's nothing we can do about it now. But the pain I feel nearly every day from that regret has grown almost unbearable. I don't know what I hope for this to accomplish. Maybe this will help me to understand why it is that I still love you. Because I do, Harry, I do. I still love you.

I'm losing my heart

Losing my pride

I'd burn our initials

In the sun if it would shine

I need a fresh start

'Cause I was in heaven until

This world fell apart

Every single day since we broke up, I've been dying a little bit more. I was happy when I was with you. I truly was blissful, except for the fights. I don't even remember why we decided to part ways. It doesn't make sense to me anymore. I know that it was my fault, but still, I wonder, was it really so meaningful that it would break up what we had together? Now, I have the feeling that if you weren't already involved, I'd probably try to get back together with you.

I'm out on the run

I'm out in this empty space

Since all of this begun

Well I tried, I tried

But, knowing that you are married perhaps just makes me more depressed. I lost my chance, and I have no one to blame but myself. There's nothing that compared to the empty, finalizing feeling that came with that revelation, Harry, nothing. And, trust me, I have felt a lot of things in my life which I hope you will never have to go through.

Nothing seems to help

Nothing seems to work

Nothing is as beautiful

I'm old enough to take

All the blame

For all the mistakes

All the games and

All the faces

I'm bleeding by myself

But I'm okay

I suppose that I'll find a way to live around this. I don't think that I'll ever really be cured of this, but I'll just go on living, anyway. You always seemed to find a way to just keep on living, Harry. That was one of the things that I admired about you the most. You never ignored what happened in your life, you always just accepted it and went on going.

You always were a good friend, Harry. And I thank you for that.

Hermione

The song had long ended, but words resounded in her head.

I hold on, I hold on

I can't let go of you

And you don't know

How I feel

I hold on, I hold on

I'd sell my soul for you

And you don't know

How I feel

She set addressed the note and sent it off. She put her drink down, and went on living.