A Change of Heart

No Where to Go

Lily let herself fall back on the couch. It was overwhelming. If there was something really wrong with Sirius, how could they decipher what it was? It seemed like they had just too much in their plates.

"Why don't we take him to madam Pomfrey?" she suggested, opening her eyes slowly.

"I'm not sure that's what we need to do just yet..." James replied hesitantly.

"What do you suggest we do?" Lily urged, looking up at James with tired eyes.

"I--I don't know. I'll come up with something. Perhaps I really shouldn't have told you," he said, shaking his head.

"No, thank you for telling me. I know it must be somewhat hard--I mean--" she started nervously.

"I know what you mean, don't worry," he said, simply looking into her eyes.

Suddenly Lily just became aware of how odd the whole scene. There she was having a civil, if not friendly conversation with James Potter, albeit it was about her boyfriend. She mentally cringed at the word. Her boyfriend, who a few months before had seemed so appealing, such a good option was now becoming... a burden. She felt ashamed suddenly that she even thought of Sirius in that way. He wasn't a burden. He could never be a burden. But he was the reason why she felt so guilty at that precise moment and during tutoring with James. There was something there... that happened every time she was with James. She just wished she could get rid of it to concentrate on Sirius. She could feel James eyes on her in that moment. He was concerned about Sirius. He was a good friend. He was a good everything.

"Lily?" she heard James say suddenly.

"Yeah," she leaned towards him, thinking that he wanted to tell her something else about Sirius. Their eyes met and she felt her pulse quicken. They were awfully close. "What is it?"

"I just wanted to know--" he started, before being interrupted.

"Lily!" Hannah's voice was for once a tad forceful. "I really need to speak to you."

She was standing right behind Lily's couch and Lily felt herself blush and for a moment, she could've sworn she saw disappointment flash in James' face. That face was suddenly replaced with one of confusion. Hannah seemed angry. No one had ever seen Hannah angry.

"Okay," Lily said in a small voice. She followed Hannah as she quickly turned and walked up the dormitory stairs and into their own dormitory. "Are you okay Hannah?"

"You know I'm not Lily!" Hannah said, tapping her foot angrily.

"Look I know you're in the dark about a lot of things---" Lily started.

"Obviously," Hannah snapped.

"Sarah made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone about---about her visions," Lily said hesitantly. "And I'm not sure if I can say anything right now. But I can tell you it's important and serious and I'm not so sure I made the best decision by trusting Dumbledore what she told me, but if he can help her, then I won't regret it."

Hannah looked down then. When she looked back up, there were tears welling in her eyes.

"And you can't trust me?" she said sadly.

"I do trust you," Lily said, stepping closer to her. "And so does Sarah, but Hannah, you've been through a lot already, with your aunt, we just didn't want to remind you about it."

"What does this have anything to do with my aunt?" Hannah asked, suddenly confused.

"Her visions were about--well, about Voldemort," Lily said, stepping closer to her friend.

"Vol-voldemort? Wh-what made her think--why would she--" Hannah stuttered to say.

"I don't think I should tell you more than that, Sarah should tell you," Lily said, as Hannah sat down on the closest friend as if her legs had failed her.

"She had visions about Voldemort?" Hannah asked numbly. "I can't imagine---do you know where she is? Did Dumbledore tell you?"

"Yeah, but he said that we should wait until she comes to us," Lily supplied. "She's at the hospital wing."

"And what were you doing with the boys the day before yesterday, talking about death eaters and all?" Hannah sighed. "There are too many secrets here!"

Lily sat down next to Hannah and felt any will to keep her friend in the dark about anything ebb away. She had to tell Hannah the truth.

"Last weekend when Sirius went missing, James and I went looking for him. We looked for him at Hagrid's hut, he wasn't there, but two death eaters were. They were talking about an attack, the attack we now know which was directed at Sarah's parents---" she remembered something then. Something she hadn't remembered until that moment. 'Not many people easily escape him. He wanted them dead that's for sure..." The voice came to her as a distant dream she could barely remember. Somebody had survived the attack.

***

Sarah fumbled in the sheets. The tears were threatening to spill all over again. She could still hear them; see them, as if it had been just yesterday she had seen her parents wave goodbye to her at King's Cross. She closed her eyes and felt the tears fall. It had been two days since she had found out. She knew her sister was safe and she was thankful for that, but she didn't know where she was. The paper mentioned that young Susan Bones was alright, but it didn't tell anyone where she was. Susan, she had learned, had escaped their house safely with someone whom Dumbledore had failed to identify. He claimed to not know and deep down, she knew it was true. However, her brain failed to acknowledge that. She accused him openly of withholding information, much as he had earlier that week. He had to have known it was her parents who had died a week before. He was head of the Order and basically knew everything on death eater attacks. He had access to that information.

She dug her face in a pillow and let herself scream. She didn't know how long it would take for the pain to go away. She wished she could see her sister and her brother. She wished her parents would walk through the door and take her into their arms and lull her to sleep. At times she could've sworn she heard her mother's voice telling her everything would be fine. Her dreams led to no comfort either as they brought pictures of horror and screams. She couldn't make out their figures much as she had tried, but she knew now that the attack she had seen had been her parents'. She cursed her visions time and time again.

She had yet to even get out of bed. Madam Pomfrey had visited her a few times to ask how she was doing. After a while of no answers, she had just left her food. She almost felt like a prisoner. She knew she could leave at any time, but she felt like she also had to stay. Stay until she could hold herself together. She had asked for Jacob, knowing very well he couldn't arrive. He was being kept safe somewhere. Just as she was. She didn't know what they were being protected from, but she guessed it was because of her. She didn't guess, she knew. She knew it was because she was a target, her ability to see into the future, brought more trouble than she had ever thought possible. It had killed her parents. She had killed her parents. The thoughts kept overlapping each other and she tried to convince herself that everything was fine, that she was okay. She sat up and looked over at the food tray that Madam Pomfrey had left her. She didn't feel like eating. How could she eat? Her siblings were in danger, she was in danger. There was still no sign of Susan and Jacob was in hiding. Things seemed so unreal. She never thought she would see the day when she would be hiding. She was the unbelievably hyperactive Sarah Bones. She was always happy, always careless. It seemed that the last two days had made her somber up. She shook her head. Not just the last two days, the previous six months. Since she had first started having her visions of death eaters. Since she had seen the attack. She had grown up. She let out a begrudging chuckle. It had taken people to get killed--her parents--to make her be serious.

She turned her back on the food tray and let her thoughts stray down to the other people she knew. She thought of Lily and Hannah. They were like family to her. She needed them too. She couldn't however, imagine facing them then. Nor anyone else for that matter. She couldn't imagine the pity faces she would get from everyone in the school. Just thinking about her made her sick. They would all be so nice about it. That wouldn't make her feeling of responsibility go away. Nor did she want it to. She was responsible. She deserved to be hated. She wanted someone to be mad at her. It seemed like someone should hold her responsible for what happened. It had been her fault after all, or so she thought.

At the end of the day, she imagined what it would come down to. She knew what it was that the visions had been telling her. That the only way to keep her family safe would be to arrive to a compromise with Voldemort.