Gazing

~~~

It seemed the closer the end of term came, the more distressed Sirius appeared. He would go into long periods of silence and even did his homework. The first time Sirius behaved like this during first year, James was left without the reason for such behavior and had to wait a full half term for the answer. When James caught the behavior again two weeks before the end of that first year, it hadn't taken much to convince Sirius to admit the reason: he didn't want to go home.

During second year James got more familiar with Sirius's 'family situation' and was prepared when his friend went into his silent state just before a school break. Now, five days before third-year Christmas break, the behavior was reappearing. James was prepared and accepted Sirius's stoic silence, supporting him and reassuring him as subtlety as he could. Remus was new to this, however, so when Sirius started the behavior, more than once James would catch the shorter boy starring at Sirius with concerned eyes. Remus asked Sirius far too often if he was all right, and the only answer he'd received was a muttered 'I'm fine', which left the brunet looking even more distressed and worried than before.

James would find himself on the verge of blurting out something to reassure his new friend and something to kill the depression of his best one. Instead he swallowed and pursed his lips. It wasn't his secret to tell.

~~~

Remus's eyes were going to kill him, Sirius thought. If the boy kept looking at him like that, he surely was. He always thought that Remus, even long before he had had the guts to approach him, that Remus was the sort of person who would think of you as a best friend even if he only knew you for five minutes, and the sort of person who would, just by looking at you, know exactly if you were distressed or perfectly fine. Sirius hated being right.

In three more days he would be packing his trunk, boarding the Hogwarts Express and going back to Twelve Grimmauld Place for Christmas. He couldn't help thinking that he would rather stay in the Shrieking Shack. He couldn't stay behind at Hogwarts without a viable reason, however, and his father would find out and probably disown him and throw him out of the house for missing the great Black Family Holiday Feast.

Black. That's right, he was a Black. In Gryffindor

"Aww, how sickeningly sweet, the traitor has come to defend his little pet..."

His parents' first response to the news had been a Howler.

SIRIUS BLACK! GRYFFINDOR! GENERATIONS UPON GENERATIONS OF BLACKS! AND THE NEWEST HEIR IS A GRYFFINDOR! YOU HAVE BROUGHT SHAME TO OUR BLOOD!

Thankfully, that particular letter had been mailed the day of the Sorting, and Sirius had received it in the middle of the night while he was still in the common room trying to sort out himself how he had ended up in Gryffindor. No one could know. He had shamed his family, his name. He should make friends with Slytherins as his family wanted. His cousin Narcissa was here; surely she could help him. But there was also that boy, the one with the glasses, what was his name? James. He was fun, especially when he made the frog of a skinny boy sprout sharp teeth which the boy didn't notice until it was too late.

When the howler was still tearing itself apart someone entered the common room. Sirius immediately tore after that person. Not caring, just knowing that no one could know.

"Did you hear?" he yelled in the face of the startled boy.

The newcomer paused, "I-"

"Did you hear the howler?!"

"What Howler? I just got in, I missed the train..."

Without realizing, Sirius had a tight grip on the boy's shoulder, and it was only when the boy cowered as if he where about to be hit that Sirius released him.

Sirius left the startled boy that night without another word. The first impression Remus must have gotten of him was most likely that of a raving lunatic and a bully.

~~~

Sirius and James appeared at the common room with their trunks ready and with ten minutes to spare before the train left. They quickly took notice of Remus's trunk, or lack thereof.

"Aren't you ready, Remus?" James asked.

Remus looked downwards. With Sirius's strange mood and the fear of looking even more pathetic than he already did, he hadn't told James or Sirius that he was staying at Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays. He had no more excuses.

"Er, I'm not going. My parents are taking a vacation."

"You're staying!" Sirius bellowed, making Remus jump slightly. "That is so unfair!" he said to no one in particular.

Remus stared at him.

"What I mean is," Sirius regressed, now looking intently at Remus, "you're spending Christmas alone, and that's no fun."

Remus tried to smile. "I'll be okay. I'm not the only one who's staying, after all."

"But you'll be alone," Sirius said as if this was the worst predicament in the world.

"I'm used to it," Remus responded, then wished he could take back the words just to spare himself the apologetic look on Sirius's face.

"Eh," James cut in, "we have to leave, Sirius. The train-"

All three of them headed to the main doors in silence except for the occasional noise from their trunks. By the doors Dumbledore was talking with Prof. McGonagall, who had a list in front of her which she kept marking as students exited.

"Happy Christmas," Remus wished with a smile.

"Happy Christmas," James responded as he started to pull his trunk forward. Remus turned to Sirius for a similar response. Goodbyes were always the toughest. It would be for less than a month, he reminded himself.

He forced a smile. "Happy Christmas, Sirius."

Sirius stood, unshaken by Remus' words, his eyes intent on the huge oak doors and the blue sky beyond.

"I'm staying."

James stopped and quickly turned around. "What?"

"I don't want to go home. I'd rather stay here. Besides, you'd rather have company, right, Remus?"

Remus gaped slightly and was unable to answer.

James tried to hide a smile as he rolled his eyes. "It seems like you made up your mind."

Sirius finally grinned. "Happy Christmas, James."

"The train leaves in two minutes!" McGonagall's voice echoed across the hall.

"Try not to lose House points." James waved at them and left through the doors, McGonagall making a check on her list as he passed.

The main hall suddenly felt very empty until Sirius broke the silence. "I'm going to get disowned."

Remus finally snapped from his mild daze of what had just happened. "Surely it can't be that bad."

"You don't know the half of it." The huge oak doors slammed shut. "What have I done?" Sirius wailed suddenly, leaving Remus at a loss for words.

Dumbledore appeared out of nowhere. "The train has left, Mr. Black. I was under the impression that you would be on it."

"I changed my mind," Sirius answered.

Dumbledore raised his brows slightly and glanced at Remus briefly. "I see," he said in a rather amused voice. "Well then, I'll go inform the castle elves that there will be an extra head to count for the holidays' meals." Sirius nodded swiftly. "I also have an owl to send to Mr. and Mrs. Black informing them that their son had to remain at Hogwarts in order to help the headmaster on some business. Very important wizarding business, I'm sure they'll be delighted to hear." Dumbledore started his walk up the hall. "See you at dinner."

Dumbledore left with a slight dance to his walk. Remus blinked once and looked at Sirius, who was positively grinning and suddenly dropped his trunk, spread his arms and caught Remus in one of his bear hugs. By the time Remus's feet were safely back on firm ground, there was a smile on his face. He wasn't spending Christmas alone after all.

Sirius picked up his trunk once more. "Help me unpack?"

"Sure."