Silly Git

Part 3.

Sirius found Remus, along with the rest of the Marauders, in the Great Hall finishing up lunch. Lily was already talking to James as if nothing had happened, and Sirius found himself grateful and in awe of her talent of not betraying her feelings as easily as he did. The girl could keep secrets. Of course, God help him them both if she couldn’t.

“There you are, Padfoot!” exclaimed James, looking at Sirius as the long-haired boy slumped down on the bench next to him and silently helped himself to some baked chicken. “Are you all right?” There was surprise in his tone.

“Fine,” muttered Sirius, knowing that he should at least attempt to look cheerful and his usual self. He chanced a glance at Remus and found him staring back, almond-shaped hazel eyes looking concerned. He smiled at the unasked question, and looked back at James: “Sorry, just still haven’t come out of my History of Magic stupor. No wonder the man is dead – he could talk anyone into their grave.”

“That he could!” chuckled James, stuffing his mouth with his last forkful of mashed potatoes. Peter smiled appreciatively, munching on some bread. Remus snorted, and the concern in his eyes flickered out as he smirked at Sirius and took a sip of his juice. Ok, so he’d passed the “concern test” and nobody would suspect anything. Sirius might have been ready to talk to Remus, but he certainly wasn’t ready to announce it in front of the whole school, and certainly not with James and Peter there. He was pretty sure that open-minded as they were, there was still a slight chance of either one choking on his lunch at the sight of Sirius dropping to one knee in front of Remus. If, indeed, he was going to do that. Most likely not.

“Well,” James croaked as he got up, dropping his napkin onto the table, “We should get going. Potions next.” A collective groan confirmed the distressing fact. Potions was quite interesting – but it was the Slytherins that they shared their class with that were intolerable. Indeed, you were hard-pressed to find any agreeable Slytherins, though Sirius had heard some reports of such about. He mostly believed them to be the stuff of legends, and not readily believable.

He stuffed as much bread into his mouth as would fit, and left the Great Hall with James, Remus, Peter, Lily and a breathing problem. After having swallowed the remnants of his mushed-up bread and feeling his face turn back to its normal pink color from the alarming purple it had become for a moment, Sirius descended into the dungeons to endure another painful hour full of – shudder – Snape, Crabbe, Goyle and the rest of those wankers. Maybe he could throw a dungbomb into one of their cauldrons or something… It would probably cost him twenty points from Gryffindor, but the next Quidditch match would certainly take care of that, and the looks on those idiots’ faces would be well worth any disapproving look he could get from the Potions Master. Chuckling to himself, he caught up with Remus.

“Say, Moony, how have you been?” he said, sounding obnoxiously cheerful.

“Fine… What’s up with you?” Remus heaved his bag a bit more onto his shoulders.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re acting like a maniac today, that’s all.” He raised his eyebrow, and Sirius had to stifle a groan. “First you’re drooling in class.” Sirius felt his cheeks heat up. “Then you look like Quidditch has been cancelled for the rest of the year, then you prance about like Christmas came early instead.” Remus drew breath. “Obviously, you’re normally a bit off your rocker, but today you just seem especially so.” He smiled wryly.

“What, you keeping score of my moods?” Sirius chuckled, and to his surprise, found Remus blushing ever so slightly. It was very becoming… He cleared his throat, and ventured an explanation: “Well, actually, I’ve just received some, er, news today. Actually, I… er…” Courage, he told himself, courage, man! “I wanted to talk you about that today. D’you…d’you think we could, I dunno, walk around the lake a bit before dinner?” He rushed the last sentence as if there was a flesh-eating animal snapping at his heels. A wolf, for instance.

“Er…” Remus’ eyebrows lifted in slight surprise, and Sirius realized that they hadn’t been alone in a while. It was simply like that – whatever they did, the Marauders all did it together, and taking a walk around the lake was something Sirius actually did with girls – quite alone. “Sure… What is it?”

“I’ll tell you later, I’d rather not…not t-talk about it right now…” Sirius found himself stammering, and kicked his own arse inwardly. Stop it, stop it, you’ll be fine, he told himself. He could do this.

The next moment found them all in the classroom, and, much to his relief, they were all ushered to their places, thus putting an effective stop to any conversation. Looking around, Sirius sneered as Snape walked in followed by his cronies, giving him a withering look.

“Wanker…” Sirius muttered, James agreeing with a snort behind him.

Soon, they were all emerged in the putrid world of cauldrons, bubbling liquids, dung beetles and pickled newts’ livers. After having slightly mucked up his Trembling Solution (“Your enemies won’t know what hit them! Potion psychology – if they’re trembling, they’ll know they’re scared!”), Sirius tried hard not to laugh too much as Peter found himself shaking so violently, that Professor Drazhit had to restrain him with conjured rope before he could administer the anti-dote.

“Sorry, Peter, should’ve put in less snake eyes, I reckon…” Sirius chuckled, as Lily gave him a slightly disapproving look, trying not to giggle too much herself.

Finally, after everyone had cleared up their cauldrons, the Slytherins having a bigger task of it after a “mysterious” explosion had left a good number of them covered in brown-greenish muck and smelling fouler than usual, the class filed out – Sirius with a direct order to report to Drazhit’s office to serve his detention tomorrow night right after dinner.

“That should take care of your Valentine’s Day nicely, Mr. Black, and teach you a lesson or two,” the Professor told him sternly. Sirius didn’t much care – after all, it wasn’t his first detention, and it certainly would not be his last if he had any say in the matter. He had more important things to take care of and worry about. Such as Moony.

“Oh, that was great, did you see their faces?!” triumphed James as they left the classroom and headed for the dorms. He wasn’t in on the joke until he caught Sirius looking at the mess smugly, but Sirius reckoned James could still claim it as partially his – after all, it was his dungbomb. Everybody else laughed appreciatively, especially considering the fact that for once, they didn’t have to serve detention right alongside Sirius.

“So, did you want to talk to me, Padfoot?” Sirius felt a tug on his sleeve and whipped around as he found himself face to face with Remus. Paling slightly, he nodded:

“Yeah, let’s just drop of our stuff up at the dormitory. We should probably get our cloaks, too, it’s a bit cold out there…” Remus nodded silently and they followed the other three up the staircase.

* * * * *

The February air was biting, the wind ruffling their uncovered hair softly, yet with enough chill that it caused the skin on the back of both their necks to rise up in goose bumps. Sirius saw Remus pull his cloak more tightly around him, and admired the way his cheeks had become slightly rosy, adding vibrancy to the pale face. Clearing his throat against his slightly inappropriate thoughts – such as wondering what else would bring such vibrancy to that face – Sirius fought his voice to work:

“So…”

“Yeah?”

“Well…” He pulled his muffler tighter around his neck to ward off the onslaught of a sudden gust of wind, and cleared his throat unnecessarily. His heart was beating rather loudly now, and he willed it to calm down. It won’t do to become so nervous that he won’t be able to even speak coherently.

“You said you received some news?” asked Remus, trying to help him out.

“Yes.”

“From home?”

“No, not quite… From, ah, well, actually, it doesn’t matter whom it was from. It’s the news that counts, really.” Keeping Lily out of the line of fire seemed pretty wise right about then.

They were still walking, the lake on their right standing still from the ice. Sirius noticed that in some places the ice had cracked and swift ripples of dark water were making their way underneath it steadily.

“Well, what is it?” laughed Remus. “Stop being so mysterious, it can’t be that bad.”

“That depends…” Sirius ventured.

“Oh?” A curious eyebrow shot up. He could kill with those eyebrows. “On what?”

“On you,” Sirius answered, letting out a pent-up breath of air. It clouded around his face n disappeared into the wind.

“On me?” Remus repeated, surprised.

“Yes. It depends on how you’d…take it. It’s about, er…well…”

“Oh, come on, Padfoot, stop being so ridiculous. Out with it!” Remus chuckled again, shaking his head.

All right, he could do this. Just say it. Say it. Lupercalia. Say it.

“It’s about Lupercalia.” There. He’d said it. Sirius turned to Remus, rather triumphant at his own courage, but noticed that his friend wasn’t there. He turned abruptly and found Remus standing a few steps behind him, his face pale and frozen in horror. “Remus? Are you all right?” he asked, knowing the answer full well. Sirius ventured a few steps towards him, not taking his eyes off Remus’s ashen face, hazel eyes full of shock and anger. Anger? Oh, no… He groaned inwardly. “Remus, say something…”

“What do you want me to say?” His voice was harsh, no trace of laughter left.

“Something?..” Idiot. Remus let out a rough laugh, and looked away. Sirius waited. He wanted to run away, deep, deep into the forest, away from the look he now saw on Remus’ face, but he knew that then he would lose his friend completely – if, indeed, he hadn’t done so already.

He waited a long time. His fingers had begun to stiffen with the cold, and he could feel the skin on his knuckles begin to crack slightly. Still he waited. Finally, Remus spoke:

“Lupercalia. That’s wonderful, Sirius. Why did you feel the sudden need to remind me of it?” An angry and sarcastic Remus was never a good sign.

“I… Well…”

“Yes?” He wasn’t giving him a chance. The look in Remus’ eyes was fit to kill. Sirius shivered and looked away.

“I thought…that maybe…well…have you…umm…” God, he couldn’t ask him. But Remus was waiting, a fact that amazed him considering the state his friend seemed to be in. “Have you…chosen anyone…a mate?” He raised his eyes to Remus’, and could have screamed for what he saw. They were not angry as they had been a minute before. They held no trace of the previous terror. They were closed off, and he couldn’t see past the expression on Remus’ face. When Remus spoke, his tone was even and controlled, almost uncaring:

“Why?”

Sirius’ heart leapt to his throat and seemed to settle there permanently. He couldn’t tell him. This was…his secret…his fear…his small treasure… But it was also the reason he was here, in the first place. There was no choice, and he had to tell him.

“Because I was wondering if you’d…have me.” It had come out almost smoothly, the genuineness behind the words leading them out of his mouth and into the air, waiting for Remus to respond. Sirius looked at him as if awaiting the ultimate judgment. Which, in a way, he reminded himself, he was.

Remus’ eyes widened and for a moment Sirius thought he had got through to him, but right away they closed back off and Remus took a menacing step towards him. Unconsciously, Sirius took a small step back. Even though Remus was shorter, he now seemed like a God, towering over him, descended from the Heavens to pronounce the final sentence. And it wasn’t looking good.

“Why?”

“Why?!” Sirius asked incredulously, finding himself on the sudden verge of anger.

“I’ll tell you why.” Remus continued in the same cold voice that was giving Sirius more chills than the winter air he was breathing. “Because you don’t understand, do you? Because this is my problem! I have to deal with it! And I – don’t – want to!” His voice had turned hoarse abruptly.

“Your problem? I don’t understand?” Oh, yes, Sirius was quite angry now. He was furious. How could Remus be so blind?!

“Sirius, I don’t want your pity! Do you even realize what that means? Mating for LIFE! You’d be bound to me! How could you EVER assume that I’d agree?!”

“I love you!” Sirius shouted over the pounding in his chest. “I thought that maybe there was a chance you felt the same way!”

He watched as Remus stopped short and tried to catch his breath, but a sudden burst of wind seemed to knock the air right out of him. He shut his eyes painfully tight, and when he opened them again, Sirius saw that they were slightly glazed. His own breathing was coming in in short gasps, as he wasn’t immune to the power of the wind himself.

“Please, Sirius… Leave it alone!” Remus’ tone was suddenly pleading, his eyes imploring Sirius’ to understand. But, what, Sirius didn’t know.

“Why, Moony?” It sounded breathless, and he found himself leaning in closer. “Why?”

He knew the answer – Remus didn’t love him. But until he heard those words from the other boy’s lips, there would still be a glimmer of hope, and he couldn’t allow that. He had to stop living in denial once and for all.

“I can’t…decide right now. I need to do this on my own… I… Please, Sirius.” His voice had turned steady once again. Even. His eyes were downcast, and his cheeks were once again tinged with pink, the wind getting stronger. “Just… drop it,” he finished quietly.

Sirius knew he’d been defeated. There was no point. There was also no future. If he was lucky, Remus might still speak to him occasionally after this. But however beaten he felt, he found himself speaking once again:

“Fine. Just promise me to think it over. I can’t promise you a perfect life. I can’t promise to be an angel. I can only offer you love – and I do love you, Moony. More than you know...” The last words came quieter. “I will love you for the rest of my life, whether I spend it with or without you. You have the offer. It will still stand until you decide either way.” Sirius turned abruptly and fled back to the castle, the snow crunching under his swift feet, clumping on his shoes and weighing him down.

Remus didn’t follow.