Slug Five

SLUG FIVE: THE POST-GRADUATE

19^th July

Graduation is finally over. I´m officially intelligent!

It was quite an entertaining ceremony. As seventh years, it was our duty to spoil school for everyone else that day, so...

Graduation was in the morning. Being bang in the middle of the alphabet, I could watch everyone without being too nervous.

Finnigan was bearable for once. He was actually quite funny (peel my skin off now and save me the wait). He went up and received his award stark naked, with a large hole cut in the back of his robes. He punched the air, flipped them up at the back, and then ran down the aisle, genitalia waggling. McGonagall could have died. It was so funny. Dumbledore actually looked amused. I might have to realign my views of the man.

When we´d all got our certificates the boys (including me, I´m afraid) got highly pissed and put on the girls´ uniforms, and vice-versa. We ran through the corridors waving empty vodka bottles and wearing fishnets and stilettos. Potter was gazing openly at my arse straining to get out of Granger´s skirt, while I was gazing openly at Granger´s arse hanging out of the waistband of my trousers. Fun.

Even when McGonagall came out to do her `Oh really!´ routine, we just side-stepped her, and continued to chase the first years down the stairs. She gave us a half smile. I think she might actually miss us. It´s an odd feeling, and causes one to think `why didn´t she admit that she liked us while she could have let us off some homework?´ Now it´s totally worthless.

I could almost taste the happiness in the air. All rivalries were thrown aside, and everyone was hugging. In the evening, by which time we were so intoxicated none of us could see, we were standing in a long swaying line, holding onto each others´ shoulders for support, singing `We Are The Champions´. Even the girls were playing the game. Then for a bit of a pick-up, we ran along blindly and leapt into the lake for a little swim. Most of us ended up in our underwear, but it was so much fun. Granger, make-up running, and bleary, crossed, pissed eyes gazing up at me, asked if I would marry her. I just pinged the strap of her adorable pink bra and ducked her under the water.

Potter was caught snogging Dean Thomas later on, so I´m safe for now. I´ve never been so happy in my life as I was tonight. Well, I have about five girls in my bed, so the fun isn´t out yet. They´re all asleep for now, poor things. They just couldn´t handle me. I´m not done, though. Far from it. I´ve got about three hours´ more energy in me yet.

Midnight

Well, I truly am all shagged out now.

Hang on. Terrifying realisation. I´m going to be leaving school, and Ginny will still be here. I´m leaving her behind.

Oh no!

That narrows down my list of prospective shags! AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHH! I´m going to die under-sexed and pissed in an alley somewhere. My worst nightmares realised. I´d better wake up a couple of those girls now, and make the most of being eighteen while I still am.

20^th July

Well, I´m all packed up. Who knows where I´m going to go now? I´d better go home for a while. I´ll pick up some cash, then be on my way.

Everyone seems to have somewhere to go except for me. It isn´t fair. I´ll see if some of my girls can put me up until I find a suitable home.

22^nd July

Tearful goodbye to Ginny on the train platform. I was feeling rather lonely even before I left. I made my solitary way out to the giant Bentley with our crest on the little silver grate at the front. Ginny got into a beaten up old Volkswagen and drove away, looking out of the back window, but she couldn´t see me. We have mirrored glass in our car.

The chauffeur drove me home. I got out and stood on our doorstep in the sunset, wishing I wasn´t there. Mum answered the door after a while, looked me up and down, then said `Bath, now. You´re filthy.´

I remembered the welcome I´d got at the Weasley´s, and compared the two. Mum didn´t turn back after that. She swept off into some distant part of the house, and I haven´t seen her since. What did I do?

25^th July

Well, I knew it would happen.

Mum said that I couldn´t live off her forever, and sent me away. She said that the chauffeur would take me to wherever I needed to go, gave me the key and documents to my Gringotts account, then said I had three hours to get out of the house.

I packed all my things away first. All my clothes and shoes, underwear, that sort of thing. Girly hair products and shampoo in a little night bag, I went out to the car and let the house elves load it up while I pondered what to do.

I could always call Potter, I thought. He could help me. He gave me his number when he was stalking me. I think it was these trousers. I found a scrap of washed paper in my pocket, and squinted at it, trying to work out what the number was. I think it´s 07984 429896, but I couldn´t be sure. I was just writing this first, now I´ll call him and see what I can do.

Car, on the way to London

I´m so glad I bought that mobile phone. Bloody godsend. Potter said he´d managed to rent a flat, and I was welcome to stay there until I got back on my feet. He said he sympathised about my mother, and hoped that it would all work out. So here I am, headed for Canada Water, London. I´ve got little more than clothes, shoes, underwear and hygiene products to call my own.

At least I have a friend.

26^th July

I looked from the paper to the door five or six times over before knocking. Cold wind was whistling in off the dock, and I didn´t want to stand out there any longer. A ratty little woman came to the door and snarled `What do you want?´

`I´m coming to live here, but I don´t have a key yet,´ I told her in my most charming, English voice. She leered at me for a moment before saying `You´ll be that black-haired kid´s boyfriend, then?´

I wasn´t sure what she meant. `Oh, Potter?´

`That´s him.´

`No. We´re friends. He´s putting me up while I house-hunt.´

`That´s what they all say,´ she grunted. She stepped aside, and pointed up a staircase. `He lives on the top floor. I still think you´re gay, but if you really aren´t, then I can be quite affectionate.´ She gave me one last up-and-down, maybe taking in my look of sheer horror and disgust.

I ran up the stairs to Potter´s flat, and slammed my fist against it several times, casting fearful glances back down the stairs in case that woman was coming after me in suspenders and a corset.

Potter came to the door eventually, and beckoned me in. I was a total wreck, shivering and whimpering. He took some of my bags and sat me on the sofa. He asked if I wanted a hot drink. I looked up at him and whimpered, shaking like a wet penguin.

`Vodka, then,´ he surmised.

I´m in a room the size of a VHS tape case, on a bed I´m entirely sure is made of cardboard. I don´t mind. I´m also pissed, but who´s going to care? Five glasses is nothing, right? I mean, who´s counting? Well, apart from me. I don´t drink from those pathetic little thimbles, either. I drink from a big heap man glass. Yeah. Man-glass. Me drink vodka like big he-man. Me drink vodka by the half-pint. Yuh. Now if you´ll excuse me, I think I need to be sick.

30^th July

Well, that odd little hangover is finally gone. I could have drunk toilet water if that would make it go away. I honestly feel that I will never do that again.

Job-hunt began today. We wouldn´t have bothered, but we drank all the vodka, and need more cash. Potty isn´t a bad roommate. He´s quite good really. I mean, he´s gay, so he´s tidy, but that isn´t the point. I´m having great fun with his sexuality. I parade around the flat in my black silk boxers with my muscles rippling their way through making scrambled eggs, and his drool floods the flat up to my knees. I can´t tell you how much of a jolly jest that is.

One night he brought a creepy little boyfriend back and I didn´t know. I got a sore throat at midnight, and walked in on them making out on the couch. I didn´t register for a moment, and stood there in my pyjama bottoms with an empty glass and bed-hair. The creep leapt up and shouted `BITCH!´ at Potter before running out. Harry looked furiously at me, and then saw me scratching at my head looking dazed, and realised I didn´t know what was happening. He got me some water and herded me back to bed like I was about two. He told me the morning after that I looked desperately sexy like that, so I took a photo of me, and pinned it on the inside of his door with `Can´t touch this´ written by an arrow pointing at me. He got more than a little mad with me about that. I don´t care. I know I´m sexy and gorgeous, I don´t need him to remind me.

Anyway, back to today. Potter´s joining a Quidditch team, so he´s sorted. So far I´ve resisted opening my account. It´ll be kept for emergencies, like black going out of fashion, or something. I´m going for an interview for the Ministry tomorrow, so wish me luck.

31^st July

They´re going to `consider it´. Isn´t that bad? I think that´s what they say when they can´t be bothered.

Boyfriend number three has been disposed of by accident. Potter told me off, and said that he liked this one, but I could tell he was getting seriously horny shouting at me while I was just wearing a towel around my waist.

What? I felt grubby. It´s not like I can´t have a shower at nine p.m., is it? It´s not like Potter told me to stay in my room. Or did he? Actually, I think he might have done. Oops. Oh well. If it got rid of the creep. Why doesn´t Potter have any nice, wholesome guys? They all look really seedy. He probably hires them.

No. BAD Draco. That was unpleasant and unnecessary. I´m sure he has absolute hoards of them chasing him down Charing Cross yelling `Shag me! Shag me!´

10^th August

I got the job. I will be...

SHIT. I COMPLETELY FORGOT GINNY.

It´s been a month now, and I haven´t written or anything! SHIT!

I have to go and write to her... wait. Post.

~

Ginny´s sent me a letter. Hang on.

She´s leaving me, for real this time. She´s leaving me for someone else.

You´ve got three guesses.

Snape

.

She´s leaving me for Snape. I don´t understand. Apparently this has been going on for about three months behind my back. Why? She says that her sense of moral decency caused her to tell me. What about the moral decency in NOT DOING IT AT ALL? What about the moral decency in picking someone at least nicer or more handsome than me. I mean you don´t have to go a long way to get someone nicer than I am. More handsome is almost impossible, but Snape? He´s neither. He´s old, ugly, greasy, nasty, foul and smelly. How can she pick him over me?

"It´s special between us. You wouldn´t understand."

Which really means:

`You´re from too low down in the insanity charts to get that I want to kiss that thing.´

She says that he´s proposed, and they´re getting married in September. She´s invited me to come. I´d sooner eat cold sick. I have done that before, and I´ll do it again to avoid seeing the only girl I´ve ever loved go off with my teacher. Anyone got a bucket? I need to find something to amuse me. I usually throw up if I eat cloves. I wonder if we have any cloves in the house. After that I need chocolate to recover. I think I´m in shock.

Midnight

Is this just my time to be awake and alone? I don´t seem to have any other choices but to be sitting here and scratching her name into my own skin. I can´t believe it. I need to talk to her, but I don´t trust myself to be standing in front of her. I never thought this would happen like it has. I thought it would be something trivial. I thought we´d at least argue, but no. We didn´t even speak, and that wasn´t it. Three months. Three. I hadn´t done anything. I can´t have done. What happened to Ginny being this untouchable little madam who was the goal but not the prize? What happened to me being top of the `Most Desirable Boys´ list in Hogwarts? Why doesn´t she want me? Why does she want Snape?

Why do I love her?

12^th August

They thankfully said that I didn´t have to do stupid little jobs to start out, just because I´m younger than everyone else is. I´ve already got my desk in the Public Relations department. I´m the one who writes the press releases of what´s been going on in the Ministry. It means that I get all the insider knowledge without it being filtered down or jazzed up. I´m the one who has to do that.

It´s quite an interesting job. I found out, for example, that more witches and wizards are revealed through chance sightings than relationships. I would have though that `Yes, I will marry you. I think I´d better tell you now that I´m a witch/wizard´ would be a more common thing. We´re pretty careful people. Potter came home to find me at my desk (newly purchased) in the flat, tapping away on a typewriter (newly purchased) running my hands through my hair (newly layered and feathered) and trying to work out what to write. I had no idea what to tell the Prophet about all these curious murders and Dark Marks etc.

`Mmm, writers,´ Potter groaned softly, coming up behind me. I jumped out of my seat like it was on fire, giving him the `danger zone´ look.

`What did I make you promise two weeks ago?´ I demanded tremulously, pointing at the floor for some odd reason.

`That I wouldn´t be gay in your presence,´ Harry said gloomily.

`Why?´ I prompted.

`Because it gives you the creeps,´ Harry answered, taking his glasses off to clean them. I nodded surreptitiously, and went back to my desk, skirting him like a rabbit.

15^th August

The job´s going well. I can´t say any more. Some Weasley passed a bill that we aren´t allowed to mention anything job-related outside work.

I got an invitation from my mother to go to a family ball. God only knows why we´re having a ball. She said it was smart clothes only, and to bring someone, or else. I guess that means a friend is okay. I´ll have to take Potter. I don´t know anyone else. I´ve decided to wear that black raw silk shirt I got for Christmas, and a silver silk tie. Then nice black trousers and posh shoes. Maybe the Armani ones. Then I´ll have to wear a posh coat. That long black wool overcoat. That´ll do me. Of course, I´m still on the hunt for a partner, so I need to look good. I´ll try to brush up on my dancing while Potter´s out. What about hair? What should I do with my hair? Ginny said it looked nice just washed and left to its own devices. I suppose I´ll do that, even at the risk of looking fluffy again. I´ll talk to Potter. I´m sure he wouldn´t pass up the chance for a party. Most of my uncles are gay. He can get some upper-class action.

20^th August

I won´t tell you how many Bloody Marys I drank. It´s too high a number to even consider.

The party? Oh that´s not till tomorrow. Potter and I arrived early because mum said she wanted someone tall to hang things up. She and the house elves are the only ones in the house, what with dad all nuts and everything. Potter and I hung all the stuff up for her in the ballroom then went down into the town on the pull.

It was quite amusing actually. We struggled home at about one a.m., arms around each other´s shoulders singing at the top of our lungs. I don´t think I´ve ever seen Potter as fun, but he is. I made fun of him all night, and he made fun of me. Just the sort of friend I need. Someone to point out my overruling faults and then tell me that all the things that are bad about me make him horny. Apparently it´s annoying when I wake up at six in the morning, and sing hymns while I make coffee. I didn´t know that. He says that I also irritate him when I vault over the back of the sofa and turn on the TV with magic, then don´t move all evening, fetching things from cupboards with summoning charms. Seemingly, I grunt in my sleep, get hair-gel all over the mirror, and sing when I do the sweeping up. I didn´t know any of that. He said very loudly that I mustn´t stop, because he likes my singing most of all.

I don´t mind him liking my singing. If I just start singing really bad songs, then maybe he´ll go off it. I should sing Britney Spears. Oh wait, he likes her `music´. What about grunge music then? I just have to find some. I don´t know anything about it.

Ugh. Slushy tummy. Too much ketchup and Worcester Sauce. It can´t be the vodka. I have amazing vodka resilience. Think I´ll just go and get another little drink to tide me over.

21^st August

Well that was fun.

Lots of people I had no clue I was related to were there. I met up with quite a few repulsive specimens from school. I also met a seventeen-year-old girl with red hair, who had come with a certain potions master. It was one of those dances where you keep swapping partners, and I ended up with her.

`Hello Draco,´ she said brightly.

`Ginny.´

`What?´ she frowned, looking genuinely puzzled.

`How is it between you and Snape?´ I asked stiffly.

`Oh, Severus? Well, we´re very excited about our wedding.´

`I´m sure.´

`The invitation is still open,´ she reminded me.

`I´m aware. I´m not coming, though.´

`Why not? I would have thought you´d be adult enough to pass on. You know, get yourself a new girlfriend.´

`I don´t need to be adult. Your fiancé´s adult enough for all three of us.´

`You know what I mean,´ she chided.

`I don´t get why I should be listening to you telling me to pull myself together, when you were cheating on me for THREE MONTHS with that man!´ I roared, pulling away from her. Everyone stopped dancing, and the orchestra ground to a halt. We were standing ten feet apart in the middle of the hall, both looking very dishevelled.

`YOU were out there, shagging every girl in the school! I was just looking for someone who respected me!´

`I respect you!´

`You made a great job of showing it!´

`I would hardly call you the Mistress of Respect. You march off with some slimy old shit, and neglect to tell me. You see, that´s what bites. I don´t care that you´re gone,´ I lied. `I care that you didn´t have the decency to tell me to my face when it all began.´

I had got her then. She stopped and bit her lip, then she started up again. `I don´t see why it´s my fault now!´

`Because you´re the little slut that buggered of with a man five times your age!´

`Oh, fucking get a new girlfriend, you tosser!´ she fumed.

`I don´t need a girlfriend, unlike you. I value myself enough not to need SEX,´ I bellowed.

Potter was looking between the two of us, then he took action that I never thought he´d be useful enough to take.

`Look, darling, stop the act,´ he chided me, putting his hand on my arm. I stopped shaking with rage to look at him, eyebrow raised.

`Ginny, sweetie, Draco and I (since when was there a `Potter and I´?) didn´t want you to find out like this, but...´ he gave me a loving look. `We´ve been together for about five months. I didn´t want to be the one to tell you...´ He shrugged.

Ginny looked completely destroyed. She grabbed her coat and ran away, Snape in hot pursuit, for an old guy.

So now I am totally indebted to Potter. I can´t believe he helped me out like that again. I had to take a lot of questions from my family, but Potter and I excused ourselves and ran off. There were lots of mutterings around the room, but we didn´t care. I did something I´ve never done in a sober state before, and hugged Potter.

`No problem,´ he said. `Look, it was nice to even consider myself your partner for a second (isn´t he a sweet boy?). Let´s just get it straight right now that I don´t fancy you any more. I think you´re hot, but anyone would, male or female (No kidding. He really said that).´

`Thanks Potter,´ I said genuinely. `You really helped me out there.´

`I know,´ he said, not a little smugly. `Now you owe me.´

`No sexual favours,´ I established.

`No sexual favours,´ he agreed.

After what we had said, we had no choice but to go back to our SEPARATE rooms and sleep. I experienced a new thing tonight. I actually have a real friend.

Oh, of course I´m furious with him. Wouldn´t you be? I´ll take it out on him later, though.

24^th August

I think I went a little wrong today. Potter seems to be infuriated for some reason. He was busy, so he said I had to do the chores while he cleaned the flat. He told me I had to go food shopping. Here´s the best I can remember of the conversation, so I can prove to you that I did nothing wrong.

`Malfoy, I need you to go to the supermarket,´ he told me.

`What´s a one of those?´

`It´s a big shop full of food.´

`Right. What do I do there?´

`You buy us food for the week.´

`Money?´

He handed me a hundred pounds.

`You can take the car. You can drive, right?´

`Yeah,´ I told him. `Of course I can.´ I can´t, but it couldn´t be all that hard, could it?

`You know the sort of things we need,´ he checked.

`Yup.´

So I went to the `supermarket´. I found this odd sort of cage on wheels, and assumed that they must sell animals there. I got one, because everyone else had. Maybe you had to get the animals alive, then kill them. I don´t know. When I first entered, there was a huge sign saying `20% OFF!´ Off what? 20% of what? I don´t get this place. They had a big rack of flowers, then a sign saying `aisle one´. So people get married here? Amazing, the things you can do in Muggle shops. You can buy books and coffee in the same shop now. I wonder why. What´s wrong with coffee shops? It´s all just greed.

I didn´t want to walk in on anyone getting married without an invitation, so I asked a spotty looking girl where I was.

`You´re in the supermarket,´ she told me, in a foul accent that made her sound like a caveman. It took me three minutes to decipher her dialect.

`Are people getting married there?´ I asked, reasonably, I thought.

`No,´ she said. Well, she actually said `Nauw,´ but that´s beside the point. `Lat´s weyah yuh bouy suoop.´ That bit took me another five minutes.

Soup? We usually have soup. I wandered into the aisle to find row upon row of Portkeys. I found one saying `Baxter´s´. I don´t want to go to Baxter´s. There seemed to be loads in the same name, and you could go to a place called `Value´ for about twelve pence. Good deal, if you ask me. In the end I picked one up, and nothing happened. It was clearly faulty, so I took it to another ugly creature to ask why.

`This one doesn´t work,´ I told him,

`Sorry sir?´ he frowned.

`You pick it up, and nothing happens,´ I said clearly, pointing at the offending tin.

`What do you presume should happen?´ he asked.

`Well, I´m supposed to turn up in...´ I stopped to consult the label. `Campbell´s.´

`It´s soup. You eat it, not travel with it,´ he explained, looking quite a bit scared.

`Oh. What flavour?´ I asked, trying to cover up my failure.

`Mushroom,´ he said. Amazed at the convenience of food in Portkeys, I went and picked up forty tins. My big cage was getting very hard to push. It seemed intent on going left all the time. Maybe it was trying to guide me to the things I should buy. What a clever device! I found a lot more odd things in that shop, mostly faulty or defective. I found a few items of food I recognised, and bought one hundred pounds´ worth of them.

~

`Wagon Wheels?´ Potter said, turning the packet over. I nodded enthusiastically. `Crisps? Forty tins of mushroom soup? KitKats? Malfoy, what is this?´

`It was the only food they sold!´ I protested, the smile draining off my face. `The rest were broken Portkeys and things.´

`Malfoy!´ Harry groaned. `You spent all our food money on chocolate bars, cakes, crisps and soup?´

`So it would appear,´ I admitted, looking through the bags. `Yes.´

`We´re supposed to live off this for a week. We don´t have enough money to get another load.´

`So?´ I shrugged. I didn´t, still don´t, get the problem. Soup´s good with crisps, right?

`You can eat the Wagon Wheels. They´re disgusting,´ Harry sniffed. He started to unpack it all and put it in cupboards. I fished out a Wagon Wheel, and fiddled furiously with the plastic wrapper for about ten minutes, tongue rammed out to one side all the while. I finally uncovered a chocolate covered biscuit thing. It didn´t look too bad. I took a big bite, the worst mistake so far in my life.

It tasted like wet polystyrene on wet cardboard coated with hard brown snot. They call that chocolate? I spat it out, coughing viciously. It was totally foul. I have to live on those for a week, all because the Portkeys weren´t labelled properly. Uh. Muggles these days.

26^th August

I don´t think I could screw up anymore than I already have.

Our electricity went off today. The phone stopped, and our water wouldn´t come out hot.

`Malfoy!´ Potter hissed. Why does he always think it´s me? Most of the time it is, but it has been the invisible gremlin a couple of times, too. `I asked you to pay the bill!´

`Bill? Who´s Bill?´ I asked, nonplussed. I looked up from my book to see Potter with his hands on his hips like a girl.

`Not Bill. The bills.´

`Oh, what are they?´

`They´re the money you pay to keep the lights on. I told you to post that envelope in the morning on Monday.´

`It was only Monday yesterday!´ I objected.

`Yesterday was our last chance, because you haven´t paid the bills for all the time you´ve been here.´

`Was I meant to?´ I frowned, racking my brains.

`Yes. I gave you the money ages ago. I told you to drop it at the tax office, because you go past it on your way to work.´

`Oh!´ I said, remembering. `You mean that big wedge of money you gave me?´

`That´s it!´ Potter said, triumphant.

`I probably shouldn´t have spent it on that jacket, then,´ I conceded.

`You spent it?´ Potter said dangerously.

`Yeah, it was this gorgeous suede jacket in Armani...´ I trailed off, seeing the look on his face. `I´ll get the money back tomorrow. Don´t worry, I´ll pay it from my account.´

`You´d better,´ he hissed.

You see what I mean? He always blames me! It´s not like he made it very clear what that was for. I don´t know what taxes are for. I´ve never even heard of them before. Oh well. I´m sure it´ll be okay. Now I have to go and make supper. Wagon Wheel fritters and mushroom sauce.

28^th August

I´ve never been ill in the Muggle world before. I´ve never had a real friend when I was ill before, either. This time, I got what Potter says is `Flu´. He went out to get some videotapes for me to watch while I stay at home in my dressing gown on the sofa, with two duvets piled on top of me. Hard work.

Disney. He brought Disney videos. I´ve got Cinderella, Bambi, Beauty and the Beast, Mulan and Snow White. Which one shall I watch first? How about... Snow White?

I´ve just watched them all in rapid succession. I don´t think I´ve ever been sneering for so long at one time. I have comments to make on all of them.

Snow White

So, we´re always being told not to wander into the woods. Then this girl gets dumped out there, and she happens to meet this bunch of friendly midgets. I mean, how many people get that? How likely is that? Now, if they were perverts, then I could believe it.

Also, she had a really hot step mum, then it was suddenly this wrinkly witch. I don´t get it. Who eats an apple that a door-to-door saleswoman gives you? That´s just tempting fate. Didn´t the girl read that fairytale about the girl who met the dwarves? Didn´t she learn from that?

Cinderella

How likely is it that an oppressed girl wants to go to the ball more than anything? Any normal person would want a sniper rifle to get rid of those two ugly men she lived with.

Also, note equally referring to Snow White, why is it always the same prince? Hasn´t he got enough wives? All he gets is a bit of a new hairdo, if that, and then he gets a new wife. That isn´t fair.

Aren´t glass slippers a little impractical? Imagine stepping on a pebble. You couldn´t run in them like she did either, they´d shatter.

Bambi

What is that thing supposed to be? It looks like a biscuit. Did someone ejaculate all over its back? What else could cause those white things. I should really pity the poor thing though. Its mother´s dead, and its father´s a deserter.

What about that skunk, though? It´s GOT to be gay. `He can call me Flower if he wants to.´ That thing is male? I couldn´t believe that. I had to rewind and check about three times that I was hearing right. He also has a Bigfoot hybrid with Parkinson´s disease for a best friend. I would swear that bunny is on Viagra. At least, it has a constant stiffy. There´s no other explanation for that voice. Maybe that or it´s being bummed by the skunk when one´s on stage and the other isn´t.

Mulan

This wasn´t so bad, but I find it hard to believe that climbing a big stick gives you the instant ability to shoot pomegranates. That little dragon was just annoying. Pooh-shoot or something. Why couldn´t it tell that that big black thing wasn´t a cow? It was so clearly a sheep.

Beauty and the Beast

Now, that baddy´s a guy I can relate to. Were we meant to feel sorry for the Beast? I don´t get why. It was deformed. It needed taking down. I cheered through my sore throat whenever they looked like they were going to kill it.

That nasty little snotty girl wouldn´t pay attention to the guy. I felt really sorry for him. I know how he feels.

Well, I´ve finished the KitKats, and all we have now are ten tins of soup, three packs of crisps and twenty Wagon Wheels to get us through three days. I think I did quite well, considering.

8^th September

Well, it certainly is odd not being back at school. I stood at our window laughing at all the kids walking past to go to school. The leaves on the trees are starting to go brown now. It makes me think of Ginny´s hair. I don´t want to be alone again. I don´t like being single. I haven´t had anyone since the tenth of August. Why am I single? What did I do? I need to get a girlfriend.

10^th September

I said A girlfriend. Now I have ten. Not really, but ten have asked me. I went to a club the other night, and they were absolutely flocking around me. All the other boys were looking a little put out. They stood alone on the dance floor, pouting like little girls while I entertained the masses at the bar. I refused to dance, naturally, but that made them all the more desperate. I guess I don´t need Ginny after all. I am a girl magnet, and she´s just one in a million I could have.

But that´s just it. She´s one in a million. The only one worth any bother at all.

15^th September

You´ll never guess whom I met the other night. It was Granger. It was Granger, and I was lonely. We were chatting at the bar, and I offered to take her out to dinner. All the other girls were absolutely furious. We almost had to fight our way out, but it was nice to be with someone from whom I have nothing to hide. We went to a posh restaurant, and chatted by the fish tank. She said that she had come to see me anyway, but didn´t know where I lived. I said I was touched by her determination.

`You know back at school?´ she said uncomfortably. I nodded, pouring more champagne. `Did you mean it all?´ she squirmed.

`I´ll mean it if that would make you happy,´ I told her smoothly. She smiled and flushed.

`I came looking for you because...´ She shifted, looking at the fish, her pretty-ish face reflected in the glass. `I want to ask you if there could be an `us´.´

`Us?´ I said. `I don´t know. Do you want `us´?´ This wasn´t the approach favoured by most girls wanting to get off with me, so I didn´t really know what to say.

`I want `us´ more than anything else in the world right now,´ she smiled, holding my hand between all the empty glasses on the table.

`I wouldn´t object,´ I admitted, trying to look less happy than I actually was. `When can you move in?´

`I can move in any time,´ she said, tears pouring down her cheeks.

I yawned and stretched falsely. `Well, I really want to go to bed now,´ I said suggestively. `I only have a single bed, so you sleep in that, and I´ll sleep on the floor. We can buy a proper bed tomorrow.´

~

November

So ends another tale of my life. I warned you that it may chop and change a little this time round, and I doubt you would have expected much of it. I certainly didn´t. Let´s hope that me and Hermione works out, and Potter and his new live-in lover, Dean Thomas.

Oh, I forgot to mention we have a new flat. It wasn´t big enough for the four of us, so we got a new one. Ginny and Snape are married. Contrary to what I may have said, all of us went. Hermione looked radiant, and linked arms with me the whole time. I had a lot of fun thrusting my chest out and showing off. I won´t say that Ginny didn´t look beautiful. She was lovely, but I don´t care. Hermione wore blue, like she did to the Yule Ball in fourth year. You thought I didn´t notice, didn´t you? Well, I did.

Mrs Weasley came over to me and said that she´d have far preferred Ginny to stay with me, and thought that Snape was disgusting. She said he was too old for Ginny. I said that I thought so too, but I was over her. Mrs Weasley wished Hermione and I the best, and Harry and Dean. It looks like this will end with everyone paired off for once... Oh, Ron? He´s with Pansy Parkinson. They got married in August.

Happy? I certainly am.

(For once)

~Draco~