Won't Let You

Sirius ran toward Remus' home, the letter he had received still in his hand.

I am so sorry Moony. Sirius thought to himself as he looked through the house. I wanted to be different. I didn't want to hurt you. I am so sorry I couldn't love you the way that you want me to. The way you need to be loved. The way you deserve to be loved. But I do love you...and I'm not going to let you run away like this.

Sirius hated himself right now. Why had he risked his friendship with Remus like this?

Don't do this Moony. He silently pleaded. Don't run away from me.

He and Remus had been friends for a while now. They had become very close. Sirius had helped Remus deal with his loneliness and his anger. Remus had been there to help Sirius realize that he too needed help occasionally, especially with his emotionally detached father. It had taken Sirius a year to get Remus to open up to him. To trust him.

All that work. All that progress. Gone. Sirius thought as he reached the house. It was dark and uninviting. The windows stared at him like the eyes of a silent demon, waiting to strike. He had a vivid imagination. Wasting no time he stormed into house and frantically looked around.

Empty. The house was empty. I've lost Moony. I can't handle that.

Tears sprung to Sirius' eyes as he went through each room in the house. He ran through the past few weeks in his mind as he ran through each room.

He and Remus had attempted to date. They hadn't even been together for a month when Sirius realized it wasn't working. If they had attempted to continue the charade their friendship would surely perish.

Why don't you understand Moony?

He looked back on the last few days. Silence was all he remembered. He had wanted to tell Remus that it wasn't working but he was afraid of how Remus would react. He was afraid that Remus would hurt himself. Frantically he searched the building now, lighting every candle he could find and looking in every nook and cranny for Remus. No blood, but more importantly there was no body.

"Which means he's still alive," Sirius whispered aloud. This knowledge did console him a bit but not much, Remus was still not here.

He's going to run away from me, from all of us. Sirius had thought. He was so afraid that he wouldn't be able to find him. To talk to him. To make things right. To get his friend back. He crumbled to the floor and his mind replayed the last conversation that he had shared with Remus.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked. His face was an apathetic mask but his eyes gave him away. He didn't seem to care about his own state, which saddened Sirius.

*Always putting others before yourself like you're not good enough * "I don't really know. I think I'm okay,"*tell me you're not alright. Tell me the truth. * Sirius silently pleaded. "Are you okay?"

Remus shook his head. Fighting tears he blinked and took a deep breath. "No. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not okay," he looked down at the ground. Sirius knew Remus was fighting the tears. When he looked back at his friend he realized he was trembling. Sirius hugged him and he felt Remus tense up. The silence took over once more and neither one of them could breath.

"Are you going to talk to me?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know," Remus said pulling away. Distance. He had to create distance. Sirius realized what he was doing. Shifting his weight slightly and keeping his eyes trained on the ground Remus continued, "I want you and everyone else to forget I exist." He clasped his hands tightly in his lap. "Things will never go back to the way they were. It will be easier for you if you forget me."

"No it won't," Sirius said but he realized that his words were falling on deaf ears. Remus had already made up his mind. "Do what you think you need to do." Sirius said. With that Remus silently walked away.

Sirius wished he hadn't let the conversation end that way. "Damn it Moony!" Sirius cursed aloud to the empty room. A ray of light washed over his face and he looked out the window. The moon. To the untrained eye it would seem that it was already full but Sirius saw that small bit of incompletion. The full moon was tomorrow.

"He's got to come back, he can't get anywhere in time to hide from the moon," Sirius said aloud. Should he wait here? No. Remus would run if he knew Sirius was here.

I need help. Sirius thought so he headed for the home of the one person who would listen and advise him wisely. James Potter.

When he arrived at James' home he was welcomed with open arms. James listened attentively.

"You did what you had to do," James said. "Moony will understand that. He just needs to think,"

"But what if he doesn't? He told me he couldn't talk to you anymore because we had been friends first." Sirius said with doubt clouding his blue eyes.

"Don't worry, we'll find him. We won't let him go, we love Remus." James said.

Yes, we love Remus. We will always love Remus and we won't let you go like this. Sirius thought as he sat with James. They were trying to think of places he would go. Sirius knew he had done what he had to do; he couldn't help how Remus reacted.

"He's gone!" Sirius exclaimed looking at James and feeling almost hopeless. Just as these words had been spoken a small owl swooped into the room and dropped a crumpled piece of parchment onto Sirius' lap.

We need to talk. Was all it said. Without a word to James he leapt from his seat. He knew where he had to go.