Is That Too Much That I'm Asking For?

Is that too much that I'm asking for?

Can't you see that you lie to yourself?

You can't see the world through a mirror,

It won't be too late when the smoke clears,

'Cause I, I am still here...

Remus ran blindly down the hallway and into the Gryffindor Commons Room. Relieved to find it deserted, he threw his books across the room and into the fireplace. He was so angry he was seeing unnatural shades of red.

"Damn you all to hell Sirius!" he screamed as he watched his schoolbooks burn. He walked over to the fireplace and stared intently at the additional items his schoolbooks had contained. Inside the books were photos of him and Sirius, when they were happy, but now all they did was fight.

More than lovers, right. He thought bitterly remembering the conversation that he and Sirius had shared a few months before. He watched the photos burn and sinking to his knees in front of the fireplace he began to sob. He and Sirius had been so close. They had promised each other that they would always be friends and now they couldn't sit together in a room without fighting. It made school practically unbearable. Why was this happening? Why did he feel so hostile, so predatory when he was around Sirius?

Because you want him back. He thought to himself. Yes. That was true. Remus did miss the intimacy they had shared. They went from friends to lovers and now they hated each other. Remus wanted to go to Sirius and talk to him but he was much too proud. Talking to Sirius about this meant that he did care for him. Remus was known for being reclusive and keeping his problems to himself but this problem was raging out of control inside him. He wanted to scream, to cry out, and to lash out at someone, at anyone. He wanted to hurt someone as much as he hurt. Why was this happening? What was he supposed to do? Looking into the fireplace again he saw one of the photos of himself and Sirius. Both of them huddled together on the sofa in the Gryffindor Commons Room with large smiles on their faces. The figures in the photo looked at the fire and frowned before escaping the scene. Remus could not bear it a moment longer. Plunging his hand into the fireplace he rescued what was left of the photo and held it close to his chest. Slowly he rose from his knees and sulked up to the dormitory he shared with the other seventh year boys. His final year at Hogwarts was in a shambles because he was in love with his best friend. Numbly he lay down on his bed pulling the curtains around him like a protective shield. It kept the world out and it kept him in.

I'd rather be friends than nothing at all, he remembered saying to Sirius that night in James' home. Because his parents both worked for the Ministry of Magic James had the house to himself for almost the entire summer. He didn't live far from Sirius or Remus. The summer had been fine until they had tried to date. I'm a failure. Remus thought to himself. I can't even make my best friend happy. He thought. Tears were sliding down his cheeks and he was in so much pain his entire body ached but he refused to admit this to anyone. I'm strong. I can handle this. He told himself as he lay down. He only had to put up with Sirius for one more week and then he'd be off for Christmas Holiday. One little week. He closed his eyes and decided that he would go to sleep. Instead of sleep however long, painful sobs began to wrack his thin body. Sleep was the last thing he'd get on this night. He felt so cold. So alone. No one to talk to. Nowhere to run. As he lay in his bed he heard footsteps approach but he was crying too hard to care. The curtain to his bed was pulled slowly aside and arms encircled him. He gave into the sobbing completely then, he gave into the pain. He felt as if no one could help him. For the first time in months Remus Lupin cried while his friend James Potter held him.

**~**~**~**~**

James sat at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall and watched as Remus and Sirius began to argue for the third time that day. Ever since their break up that summer they had fought continuously. The slightest things would set them off. Remus' whole attitude seemed to change. He no longer enjoyed watching Quidditch. He no longer enjoyed playing chess. He always wanted to take long walks by himself. He avoided the lake, which was his most coveted space on the grounds. It seemed that everywhere he went there was a lake for him to go to, this lake was very special to him. But yet he refused to admit that. More importantly he refused to admit why he was always so moody, so angry, and so hostile. James had tried several times to talk to him but he just shrugged him off or pushed him away. Telling him that he was fine and that nothing was wrong.

The hell there's nothing wrong. James thought to himself as he watched Remus rise from his seat and race out of the Great Hall. What had Sirius done now? The last time Remus ran away from him like this it was because Sirius had mentioned making sure the entire Gryffindor House found out what Remus was. James realized immediately what the problem was but neither one of them would admit it. Damn stubborn. He said to himself, shaking his head. He looked to Lily.

"Enough is enough," he told her quietly.

"I agree. I can't stand to see them like this," Lily said. "You tackle Remus and I'll handle Mr. Eloquence?" she suggested.

"Sounds good. Try setting up a meeting for them?"

"Ten O'clock?" Lily said.

"I'll leave my invisibility cloak on my bed," James said with a nod.

"Lake?"

"You know it."

"Good Luck," Lily said as James rose from his seat. He walked away as Lily turned to Sirius.

**~**~**~**~**

James made it to the Gryffindor Tower in record time. When he walked into the Commons Room he smelled paper burning. As he walked past the fireplace he noted that Remus' notebook as well as some of his schoolbooks had been thrown into the fireplace. He saw the ends of photos curling up and realized that this was a bit more serious, at least to Remus, than he had anticipated. The room was empty and quiet, which unnerved James. Wondering where Remus could have gone he heard sounds coming from upstairs. Craning his neck he heard the unmistakable sound of Remus' loud and angry sobs floating down the stairs. Taking the stairs two at a time he quietly walked into the room. Remus was indeed sobbing and it sounded uncontrollable. Slowly James pulled the curtain back. Remus looked terrible. Tears were streaming down his face; his hair was tangled hanging around his shoulders. James did not know what to do so he did what he would hope his friends would do for him. He wrapped his arms around

Remus and began to hug him tightly. Remus gave into the embrace, leaning into James' touch and sobbing. This went on for what seemed like an eternity for James. When Remus finally finished crying he looked at James imploringly.

"Please... don't... don't tell Sirius...please don't..." he said tears forming in the corners of his eyes once more.

"Shh," James said hugging him again. "I won't tell him he upset you," James reassured him.

"Thanks," Remus said. The room took on an uncomfortable silence. "Will you go for a walk with me? To the lake... I... I need to talk to you," Remus said after a moment.

"Sure. Let's go," James said smiling slightly, glad that Remus had taken the silent invitation. They snuck out of the castle and down to the lake with little difficulty. Once they were seated, Remus on his usual bolder and James against one of the trees Remus began to talk. He spoke quickly, as if he were pressed for time.

"I feel so empty. So lost. So afraid. So alone. It's not that you and Lily and Peter aren't good friends. It's not that you don't try but it's not the same. I can't be in the same room with Sirius without wanting to rip his throat out..."

"Or without wanting to kiss him," James added quietly.

Remus didn't acknowledge the comment, he just continued ". . I miss what we had. Why didn't we work James? I mean, I tried so hard. I tried to be what he wanted me to be. I tried to like the sunshine. I tried to enjoy sports and poorly written books. I tried to enjoy transfigurations. I tried to be perfect for him. Why? Why wasn't that good enough!"

"Because Sirius wants you to be who you are, not who he wants you to be," James said. "Being a human chameleon never made anyone happy... if you aren't being yourself then it's a lie. A relationship based on lies is nothing but," James said profoundly.

"I don't want to fight with him. But it's all I feel now is anger. I don't understand why this happened. And why I feel so empty now."

"Because you miss him Remus," James said. He rose from his spot on the ground and walked over to Remus. He looked him in the eyes. "It's okay to feel you know? It's okay to admit..."

"I...I miss Sirius," Remus whispered fighting back tears. "I miss him so much. When he walks into the room I feel like I can't breath. I feel like... like there's a hole inside me. That part of me has been ripped out. I can't sit in a room with him and not hold him. It hurts too much."

"If that's how you feel, why do you two fight?"

"I guess it's because if...I think if I have to hurt than I want him to hurt too," Remus said quietly. "I want him to see what he's done to me."

"Did you ever stop to think," James began, "that he's in as much pain as you are?" Remus looked at him in surprise.

"He... no. Sirius doesn't seem to be in pain. He seems happy enough to me," Remus said bitterly.

"But he edges you on when you two fight. I think it's because he wants you to hurt the way he does."

"I... I love him James," Remus said in an almost inaudible whisper. The funny thing was he really did love him. He had said the word a million times before and never before had it meant so much. He looked at James and began to sob, "I love him."

"Then tell him," James said. He gave Remus one final hug and then walked away leaving him to think about what he wanted to do next.

**~**~**~**~**

Remus sat at the lake until just before dawn. He had thought back on the small amount of time he and Sirius had been lovers. He looked back on the years that they had been friends. He laughed and he cried at the memories. He thought long and hard about what he was going to do. They had to talk. That was all there was to it. Slowly sliding off the bolder he had been perched upon he turned and headed back toward the castle. Sneaking back into the tower had been easy. As soon as he entered the room Sirius sat straight up in bed.

"Where have you been!" he demanded in a harsh hiss.

"Thinking," was all Remus said. "Why are you still up?"

"You had me worried," Sirius said softly. "Look, I didn't mean what I said..."

"I know you didn't," Remus interrupted. He didn't want to fight anymore. Not tonight. He looked at Sirius and realized something had changed but couldn't place what. Maybe it was just because he was so tired.

"We still going to go get James his Christmas gift tomorrow?" Sirius asked glancing over at James to be sure he was still asleep.

Remus had forgotten all about making arrangements with Sirius before they had begun fighting about going to Hogsmeade before Christmas holiday to get James' gift. "I thought you wouldn't want to go with me," Remus said.

"Are you kidding?" Sirius said with a smile. "Of course I wanted to go... I wasn't sure you'd want to go."

"So we'll go tomorrow?"

"Sure. If you're awake."

"I'll wake up. G'night Sirius," Remus said as he quietly changed for bed and slid beneath his blankets.

"Night Moony."

As Remus drifted off to sleep he couldn't help but wonder if James and Lily had been up to no good and if he would finally get to tell Sirius how he felt. He wanted to fix their friendship and hoped that it wasn't too much that he was asking for.