Heavy Silence

Remus paced his room trembling slightly. How had things managed to go from good to worse in a matter of a few days? It's not like he didn't see this coming. He had known what was wrong. Why hadn't he just said something?

Because you're a coward that's why. He told himself as he paced his room. He wanted to talk to Sirius, to try and make things right, but he didn't know where he had gone. He should have known better than to risk a friendship like this. God, what had he been thinking?

You weren't thinking. Had you thought about this you two would not be avoiding each other and this wouldn't have happened! You are your own worst critic. Remus paced more and more until his weak and tired muscles would not allow him to take another step. The full moon was tomorrow. He had to make this right now. Sitting on his bed he thought hard. His mind instantly drifted to the conversation he and Sirius had earlier that day near the lake.

"Sirius, you haven't spoken more than two words to me all weekend. What's wrong? Why won't you talk to me?"

Silence. Sirius just looked at his feet.

"What? What's wrong with you? I know you're upset that I didn't interact with your cousin the way you hoped I would but you know how I am. I am not good with people. Is that what's the matter? Is that why you're upset with me?"

"No, Moony it's nothing you have done. It's just..." he trails off, again looking at the ground.

"It's just what?" Sirius looks as if he is about to cry. Remus instinctively moves to wrap him in a hug. Sirius didn't hug him back.

"What are we?" Sirius whispers.

"I don't know," is Remus' verbal response. * Well, we were dating. I guess if you have to ask what we are that means, at least in your mind, that we are not. * Is what Remus was thinking.

"I think we should be friends," he heard Sirius say. His voice seemed so distant and far away.

*He finally just said it. This has been bothering him for days and he wouldn't just tell me. He had to wait until his cousin left to tell me. * "I knew it," was all Remus could bring himself to utter.

Remus laughed cynically to himself as he replayed it all back through his mind. Sirius had said that he wanted them to remain good friend.

Yeah, right. Remus thought bitterly. Despite all this, he was not mad at Sirius. Yes, he had questions, but he was angrier with himself for chancing everything and for agreeing to date his best friend. Now everything they had worked so hard for, that closeness, that trust, was gone. Up in a puff of smoke.

I never should have dated you. Remus thought. I never should have admitted I had feelings for you.

He resumed his pacing wondering where his friend could have disappeared to. Sirius had avoided him all day. They had only spoken long enough for Sirius to break this news to Remus. How Remus wanted to scream and cry out when Sirius had said he wanted them to "be friends." How he wanted things to "go back to the way they were." That would never happen. As much as Remus would like it to, it wouldn't. He wouldn't be able to look at Sirius the same way. That silent tension would always be there. And then there was the silence. For Remus sitting in a room with Sirius and not saying a word was almost as bad as a silver bullet. Silence weighed down upon him and made it hard for him to breath. The silence that he had experienced with Sirius over the past four days was like an invisible hand that had wrapped itself around his neck and began to strangle him. It angered Remus that Sirius felt he could not talk to him. The way Sirius went about handling the situation made him wonder if he had done it to keep up appearances for his family. Remus had owled Sirius' cousin several times, sometimes for Sirius others because he was bored and he knew that Sirius' cousin Annabelle would owl him back.

Is Sirius truly serious about dating a guy? I mean how serious about this whole bi-sexual thing is he? Remus remembered one of the owls asking. Remus had assured Annabelle that Sirius was serious. Another cynical laugh. Serious Sirius. What an expression. Annabelle had come to visit this past weekend. By this point Sirius had hardly spoken two words to Remus and Remus was so upset he could barely breath. Silence. That deadly sound that is not a sound. Sometimes no sound is louder than any noise. Annabelle was staying with Sirius. Remus thought this would give him a reason to run away from the silence. To run away from the fact that Sirius did not want to be with him. But no, when Remus had decided to go home Sirius had asked him to stay.

Maybe I'm wrong. Remus had thought. But no, he was not wrong. Sirius was just buying time, or making things look good for Annabelle, or lying to himself. So Remus had stayed and even when they were sleeping together the silence intruded. There was a visible space between the two despite the fact that they were sharing a single bed.

Annabelle had gone home on Sunday. Sunday was the day Sirius decided to avoid Remus almost all day. He then owls out of the blue and asks if Remus would like to take a walk.

Of course. Remus thought. A walk. To the lake. That is where we always go. It's an unspoken destination. Our feet just lead us there. Then he had told him. What angered Remus even more is that Sirius lied to him. He said that he was all right. And he had disappeared again. Where was he? If Remus knew Sirius he was out drinking with James. Every time he got upset the first words out of his mouth were "I need a drink." And James would oblige by getting him alcohol. Remus hated that.

The hours creep by. Remus tries to sleep but to no avail. He listened to the clock tick. To the crickets outside. He listened to the silence and he realized what he had to do. Rather than cry about this whole mess he would just no longer care. He would withdrawal from everyone. His loneliness would be his companion. He had been alone before and he had been safe. He made his face a mask. A mask that hid his face. A face that hides the pain. A pain that ate his heart. A heart no one knows.

Except Sirius. God, this was going to kill him.

Maybe death wouldn't be so bad...

Sirius wouldn't want him to die but Remus always felt dead inside. Sirius had brought him back from the dead all those years ago buy becoming his friend despite what he was. And they had gotten very close. And now they were distant and cold. And silent. Remus couldn't take the silence. Drying the tears from his eyes he rose from his bed and wrote Sirius one final letter.

Sirius,

We've been friends for what seemed to be eternity. I thought I could tell you anything and for a long time I could. But now...with this situation, I can't bring myself to treat you the same way. That awkwardness will always be there. I can't tell you everything any longer. I'll miss you my friend. You were the first best friend I ever had. After years of isolation I had someone who really knew me. I'll miss that but I can handle the pain of loss. I cannot handle the silence that is between us now. I know you never meant to hurt me. This is my fault. Had I thought a bit more clearly I would have realized that a relationship with you would kill our friendship, but I was a fool. I am so sorry my friend, but I can no longer continue this formal masquerade of ritualistic routine gestures. I can't be around you anymore. I can't bear the silence.

Perhaps some day we will meet again. Perhaps someday we will overcome the silence that has torn us apart.

Until then,

Moony

Remus wiped his eyes and folded the letter. He hoped that Sirius would understand. He needed to be alone now. Being alone was almost terrible but it was safe and safe is what Remus wanted. No...not what he wanted, what he needed. He attached the letter to the leg of his owl and sent it away. Taking the small amount of money he had left he packed his bags and disappeared. Sirius would look for him of course but he would not find him. He would leave and start over. Of course, no one would understand him the way Sirius had but it didn't matter anymore. If he were gone, Sirius would be happy. Sirius had to be happy. Taking one final look at his home, he looked up at the moon. The moon that made him what he was. A lonely creature of the night.

"Good-bye my friend," he said aloud. Deep down inside he knew Sirius had heard him. Turning he disappeared into the darkness alone again. Loneliness his companion once more. Tears flowing freely from his eyes he disappeared into the night. This was the only way that he could escape the crushing deadly blow of the heavy silence.