The First Time I Saw Him

The first time I saw Him, I almost forgot to produce a patronus. The first time I saw him grown up, that is. As a baby, the only person that held Him more than his own mother was Sirius. But I came in close second. Whenever I had a free moment from fighting the war, I would apperate to Godric's Hollow. I suppose it annoyed Lily that I was there so often, but nobody else cared much. I had a feeling I should spend as much time with him as possible while I still could. I regret ever having that feeling, because it turned out to come true; but I will never regret the time I spent with Him.

The first time I saw him grown up, when he was thirteen, I felt a wound in my heart reopen. The fact that he looked so like Lily and James was almost unbearable. But I learned to live with it, because I had to. That year, his third at Hogwarts, I greatly enjoyed the time I spent with him, more so than when he was an infant. He came to me every week for patronus lessons, and the conversation afterwards, however awkward, was the highlight of my life. I even thought we might become close, as I had hoped before. But then Sirius came along.

Don't get me wrong; it was more than I could have ever hoped for to get my best friend back. But Sirius was His godfather. And weren't humorous story's told by your father's best man a lot more appealing than an old werewolf's teachings? Originally, no doubt thanks to Lily, we were all going to have equal parts as James' best man. But, for reasons unknown, at the last moment he changed his mind and picked Sirius as his number one.

He and Sirius became close fast, and only through a few letters. I didn't even speak to Him for a year, and when I did, all I received as a warm welcome was, "Professor Lupin? Is that you?" And, for another year, I had to endure watching Him lose His innocence, while he wouldn't even use my given name. Sirius, on the other hand, had all His affections, but chose to ignore His deteriorating happiness and pay attention to his own. Sirius had always been selfish.

But, much sooner than I would have liked, Sirius was gone. I stood and watched as he fell slowly and gracefully behind the veil. As my last friend left me all alone, it was my sole responsibility to keep Him safe. And, needless to say, I failed. If Dumbledore hadn't been faster than me... Well, I try not to think about that outcome.

So, a week later, I sat shrouded by wonderful and hated memories, clutching an ugly picture frame and crying angry tears. I didn't blame Sirius anymore; I only stared blankly into space thinking of my bleak future. I will most likely continue on as I always have, watching Him carefully from afar, I thought except now with a gaping chasm in my heart. Angrily, I threw the frame at the dirty wall. But still, the picture Sirius and James continued grinning as they always have and will, while their world shattered into a million irreplaceable pieces. There was a knock at the door and, without invitation, He walked in. I noticed were dark circles under his red eyes as I wiped my own. After seeing the ruin of Sirius' old room and looking at me, He embraced me.

"I'm sorry, Remus," He whispered tearfully as I held him tightly, prepared to never let go.

The first time I saw Him the next day, He smiled sadly at me. The others at the table seemed to notice something was different, but nobody mentioned anything. He handed me a full plate of food, telling me to eat it all. He embraced me again and as I looked at him with tearful eyes, the gaping chasm became merely a large sore.