Glass Windows

Glass Windows

I'm sitting on a window ledge, watching you. You're with your friends, having a snow ball fight. No! Be careful! There's one coming right towards you! Oh, I can't watch. Nice payback! Right to the weasel's neck. And five balls, too. I have to bite my lip so I wouldn't laugh. Just seeing you roll over in the snow, laughing so hard I can hear you way up here in the castle, makes me want to do so myself. And Weasley's entire head turning the color of sunset doesn't really make it easier.

I wish I could be there with you. I hate watching you like this, but it's the only way I can. I hate not being able to touch you. I wish I could touch you right now: run my fingers through your delicate hair; kiss your soft lips and your slightly freckled nose; hold your pale hand. Do all the things that romantic people do. And you know what I hate the most? I hate it that you're not mine. You see, I'm used to having everything I want, everything. But you - you I can't have. No. You said it yourself; remember that night?

I asked you to meet me at the Potions classroom. You were already there when I arrived. As you saw me, you asked what it was about. You asked, but you already knew the answer. I didn't bother to answer, I just smiled and kissed you. It was a great kiss, one of my best. At first with such urgency, like there was no tomorrow; like I wouldn't see you tomorrow. But as the kiss went on, it was more tender, more heartily. I kissed you with everything I felt for the last three months.

You weren't as surprised as you wanted to be. You kissed me back, you wanted it too. As I broke the kiss, both of us gasping for air, you repeated your question quietly. I didn't see the point - you saw me look at you, you knew what I felt. It's not as if I bothered to hide it from you. You knew all along - it was out there, crystal clear. And that is what I answered. I said that you knew what it was about. You denied. And then I showed you just how well I know you - I said that you were smarter than that. That if you truly didn't know what I wanted, then you were a fraud, then you were even stupider than my so-called bodyguards, then you weren't the one I was looking for.

You bit your lip. I knew exactly what was going on inside your mind. You see, you have pride, you can't let someone like me go off thinking that you were that stupid; that you were stupid at all. You bowed your head. You asked what I wanted from you, it was just a whisper. I said that you knew that too. But I decided to answer. I said that I wanted you to be mine. That I wanted us to be together.

You said that you could never do it, you could never be mine. And then I shouted at you, "Why?" You flinched at the tone of my voice. You didn't have an answer, so you didn't say a thing. I calmed myself down. I told you that there was one last thing, and then I'll leave you alone. You barely had the strength to ask me what it was. I wanted you to tell me that you didn't want it too, that you didn't feel the same way.

There was silence in the room for a very long time. "Very well," I said. I kissed you one more time - it was barely a kiss. Our lips just touched for a second and then it was over. I couldn't help myself; I pushed a strand of hair that fell into your face, behind your ear. Such a stupid symbolic gesture. I looked one last time into your beautiful brown eyes; they couldn't contain my gaze, so you averted your own to the floor. Without another word I left the room, never looking back.

I'm still watching you whenever I can, thinking about you, just like I'm doing now, just like I did yesterday.

It was breakfast, and I was staring at you, though you didn't look back, you never do. You know, looking at you now hurts even more then it did before. But I'm still doing it, still looking at you, I can't help myself. So I was staring at you, and that half-wit moron, Goyle, asked if I was planning another prank to do on you Gryffindorks. I told him to shut the fuck up and eat, and so he did.

But afterwards I wasn't in such a good mood. I just got out of a talk with Snape: They threw me out of the team. He said that they found a better Seeker, and that he hoped I understood. Oh, I was almost breathing fire. And then that Good-For-Nothing, Hero-Complex, Harry-Frigging-Potter showed up. He wanted to talk to me, about "something important". I told him to go to hell. I was so not in the mood for him. And then he asked about you, he asked what I wanted from you.

I shoved him to the nearest wall, so hard that I could have swore I heard his skull crack. I was so enraged I probably could have killed him, but I knew better than that. I just kicked him hard in the shin, and he fell to the floor. "Do the math," I told him. Yeah, do the math, two plus two equals a heart broken me.

Did you know how much it hurts to watch you through a glass window?