Autumn Leaves

The pungent smell of fallen autumn leaves fills the air, overpowering the scent of bonfires burning in the distance. To Lily Potter, these smells are that of her childhood, wistful memories (of long forgotten birthday celebrations -"James, I'm so glad I was born in October, it's so beautiful, this time of year..."- and flashes of herself as a young girl, plaited hair bright against her uniform blazer, walking cheerfully to school, kicking up piles of leaves as she went) pushing out the worries that fill her mind.

She needs to escape, needs to get out of the house before the walls close in on her... she fears that she'll soon go mad. So that evening, Lily runs- she slips out the kitchen door whilst James is watching the Muggle news on the telly with their baby asleep on his chest.

Autumn is anticipation and nostalgia at the same time, she thinks. It's praying that God grants us a few more weeks of warmth, an indian summer; it's hoping that He just gets the taunting over with and slaps us with a few good snowstorms to change things up a bit.

And oh, she needs a change. A person's home shouldn't be their jail cell. And poor little Harry! He was rarely ever out of the house; it was too dangerous, in these past horrendous weeks, poor baby, poor child, her precious little angel, heedless to the fact that some of the most powerful wizards in the country were guarding his home ever moment of the day. Obliviously happy and ever cheerful (except on the very rare occasion when he threw a tantrum and Merlin! those were bad- though he was adorable even while raging and screaming), he never knew what he missed, cooped up in that little house in Godric's Hollow.

Attacks on Muggle-borns and Muggles themselves were getting frightening- they always had been, but now... And they were hitting far too close to home... Dumbledore wanted all the Potters at the house, he was afraid that someone was leaking their whereabouts the Voldemort...

Worry, worry, fear, panic, get inside, ward the house, never leave Harry alone-

Damn that prophecy!

Why Harry and Neville? Why England? Why does Voldemort have to happen to the U.K.? Why not the bloody Caribbean?

Why the Jews and Gypsies? Why Germany? Why Hitler? Why Attila the Hun, why Vlad the Impaler? a little voice in her head whispers.

Oh, shut up. I know we're neither the first or last but- God! We're too young to live like this.

Anne Frank? the taunting voice continues.

Lily walks down the sidewalk, head down as the wind bites at her face, hands tucked into her coat pockets. The constant fear and dread, temporarily held at bay by her railings, returns with a rush as she is startled by a snarling ugly bulldog growling at her.

Swiftly, she steps onto the road and into the leaf-choked gutter, walking precariously through last night's rain until she passes the bulldog's yard.

Irritable and angry, she thinks People ought to keep dogs like that chained up or in the house.

The little voice butts in again, sounding suspiciously like James this time. Padfoot wouldn't like that...

Lily lets out a little sob despite herself when she thinks of what will be transpiring at her home that evening and walks faster. She just needs to get away from it all, just needs to calm herself, before she throws one of her husband's dearest friends into mortal peril. Again.

Oh, God, Sirius, I know, I know, you've been there always, you care so much for- for us, and for Harry, you and Peter, how you both find the courage to do this all for the three of us... poor Peter, poor bumbling Peter...

She felt so sorry for him, sometimes. Peter, never being able to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with his friends, never being able to match their blind courage, but finding his own in just being able to be so staunchly loyal, honest Peter...

As her mind continues in this vein for several minutes, the grey skies abruptly become an oppressive weight, bearing down upon her. She feels trapped and choked, girlhood fear of the night constricting her throat as she realizes how dark the grey has become, the skeletal reaching branches of the bare grey trees silhouetted against the sky, a yellow full moon climbing its way above the horizon.

Lily turns a corner. Adrenaline flows through her veins, making her tense and ready to run should any monster leap from the shadows. She eyes the trees on the opposite side of the street warily. There's no such thing as monsters, there's no such thing as monsters is her mantra.

With resentment, she remembers how untrue that statement is. She looks up at the full moon. Oh, Remus, she thinks, life really isn't fair for any of us, is it?

Lily still finds it hard to believe that Remus is the one passing information to Voldemort. She was sure that he was too innately good to betray them- in all her years of knowing him, she had never seen bitterness from him. Remus had long since accepted his fate, something the rest of his friends were loath to do. Lily doesn't think that he'd be capable of being such a Judas.

But who is it? she wonders for the thousandth time. Not Sirius, he was far too close to James and Harry both, and had shown it in his willingness to lay down his own life for them time and time again. Peter was too loyal, too honest, too dependent on his friends- she didn't think he'd have the guts. Someone in the Order, perhaps? That was what she found the most plausible.

Her eyes darken. Snape, maybe. The Potters- and the Marauders- were some of the few who knew that Snape was actually a double agent for Dumbledore. But Lily doesn't think that a leopard could change its spots overnight like that. She's sure, along with her husband, that Snape is just- just dark, for all that he did owe James a life debt.

Oh, yes, that. Lily was fairly certain that betraying James would qualify as breaking the blood debt. Not Snape, then. But-

She hears someone behind her calling her name, and spins about instantly, reaching inside her coat for her wand.

"Lily!" It's James, looking pale and worried.

He steps forward lightly. "Lily, what are you doing?"

She stares at him. "James, where's Harry?"

James runs a hand through his hair, a nervous habit that he still relapsed to occasionally. He's wearing the long, black felt coat Lily bought for him in Muggle London, the one Sirius had declared defective, as it didn't fit across his own broad shoulders.

"Padfoot's at the house," James says finally. Quickly, he adds, "Don't worry, I put the wards up around the nursery, and everything..."

Lily sets her lips together. "James..."

"We need your help to make the switch, Lily, we can't do it without you. Wormtail's sent word that he's on the way over." There is a soft, pleading note in his voice. He hates to see her hurting...

Lily meets her husband's eyes, and a sickening, draining feeling leaves her limp.

They hear voices.

James starts and turns about. A young man and woman are arguing cheerfully, walking briskly down the sidewalk towards them. And as they come closer, Lily can hear what they're saying.

"David," the young woman with artificially curly blond hair says impatiently, "you could have told me you didn't have a costume before now, Hallowe'en's tomorrow night, and I am so not going with..."

She trails off as the pair nears Lily and James. The young man smiles at the two of them. As they continue down the street, Lily can hear the girl start up on him again. Soon, they turn onto the next street and are out of sight and hearing.

Lily feels tears prick at her eyes. She feels weak and weary, exhausted with the world and the her heavy burden, too heavy, for one so young.

James wraps her into a fierce hug. "You scared me, Lily," he whispers into her hair. He doesn't ask why she left the house, though. He knows her too well.

Lily feels that she needs to explain. "I didn't really run away," she says, voice muffled by his thick coat. "I just needed to get out for a bit... I'm sorry, I... I just..."

She pulls away and looks up at her husband. Her voice, which had been rising in emotion, flattens itself as she says in a low voice, "James, we can't go on like this for much longer."

He nods. He understands what she says. Of course, he understands. He had gained a patience with her during his many years of chasing after her in vain, a patience with her that Lily herself never could possess. "You want to go back, now? Harry misses you."

"I was only gone for half an hour."

"Mmhmm. He misses you that much."

Lily smiles despite herself and wraps an arm around James. "All right. Let's go home."

The two disappear down the sidewalk, leaving nothing but autumn leaves swirling in the wind.