Where I Am Now

I told you were raving, Dolores, but in fact delusional might put it better. I wouldn’t be where you are for all the gold in Gringotts. Granted, I would like to be headmistress someday, but only if I’ll have earned it, as well as the respect of my students, and about a hundred other things that you lack.

In fact, I think you’re the one who thinks you’ll be where I am, and I’m afraid you’re equally delusional there. Oh no, I don’t think you covet my professional position of a lowly Transfiguration Professor, and I don’t think being Deputy Headmistress impresses you either, after you’ve managed to strip me of most of my power anyway. No, what you’re hoping for is beyound that.

One thing that I find irritatingly ironic is that little thing we have in common:our devotion to one man, I to Albus, and you to Fudge. But equally satisfying to me is the difference:Albus is equally devoted to me.

And another, more satisfying irony is in your most recent statement as to what I think:you don’t realize that I have what you want. Had you even the slightest idea that Albus Dumbledore was sleeping with his Headmistress, and that we’re all but married, you’d have used it against us long ago. Unfair influence, you’d say. Never mind that I’d never use such influence, except to right a clear injustice, such as when you tried to disband the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

But then, you think there’s influence anyway, and you’d probably kill to have even the relationship you think we have with Fudge. I want to be you? I have to hold back my laughter. Tell me, Dolores, what is it like to slave away for a man when your dearest wish if for him to love you, and he barely even appreciates you? I wouldn’t know, as it happens. But then, I’m not sure if you do either, since having that feeling requires knowing how he feels about you.

Not that I don’t know what it’s like to believe that the one you’re hopelessly in love with doesn’t love you back. But you see, I had the sense to get that cleared up before I started working for him. I can’t say I wouldn’t have worked for him otherwise, because I really don’t know what I would have done, but I can be proud of doing what it took to get Albus to his senses and see past our age difference, make him realize he wouldn’t hurt me.

Ah, when a man tries to reject you because he loves you, and then fails, you know you’re quite all right.

But he won’t marry me, you say? Well, my dear, he doesn’t have to. Like I said, we’re all but married already. We’ve reached a point in our relationship where a wedding doesn’t have enough meaning to make it worth all the fuss people would make. Mind you, it wasn’t easy. But it’s been nearly forty years, so we’ve managed.

Of course, the matter of marriage means a lot more when the man you want is married to someone else. I wonder if you really think Fudge would divorce his wife and marry you, or if you’d just be content being his mistress. Certainly you’ve demonstrated your ability to convince yourself of the absurd.

But you must know that Fudge is a politician, and thus would not get a divorce while he was in office. Even if I thought he might want you, which I don’t think he does, he’s very obviously too in love with his career to risk it for anyone. He might divorce his wife if she turned out to be a Death Eater, though the way he’s behaving now, he’d be more likely to insist she was framed by Dumbledore.

I suppose I might be mistaken about his intentions towards you, but even if he was willing to sleep with you, you could never have the relationship with him that Albus and I have. You’d always have to suffer the indignity of being the “other woman.” Personally, I could never sleep with such a man who was a politician, and believe him if he told me he loved me, though I wouldn’t be surprised if you would be able to.

But still, if you were anyone else I would feel horribly sorry for you. Instead, I wish dearly I could say all this to your face, even though it would be very cruel, and in most cases I abhor cruelty. Cruelty is Severus’ job. But I have to hand it to you; you’ve frightened him. Not too much, but enough, because he knows you can take away his job. We wouldn’t be surprised if you could get him sent to Azkaban. Fudge might not care about you, but he does trust you absolutely, the same way he trusts his quill after it’s been stripped down for hexes.

If I didn’t know so well what it was like to love a man the way you loved Fudge, I actually wouldn’t be able to believe you love him. I wouldn’t believe it possible to love a man so shallow. I think I’ll chalk it up to your ability to delude yourself.

Right now, I’m less afraid of you then angry. I’ve got a lot of rage in me right now, from the shallow-I miss Albus terribly-to the serious-you are hampering our fight against You-Know-Who more then should be allowed. It’s against you, and Fudge, and a world that’s turned so upside-down that I’m actually encouraging Fred and George Weasley. Do you know how incredible that is? No, you probably don’t.

Actually, come to think of it, I’m probably more angry that I’m so bloody helpless right now. That you seem so pathetic to me makes that I can’t do anything against you even more frustrating.

No wait. I shouldn’t be quite that pessimistic. There’s one thing I can do, and it’s something I wasn’t even aware I could until Albus left. I can serve as a figure to look to. I remember I was a bit surprised when I first realized this. I’m not the inspirational figure usually. I’m the one who sends the students to work because they have to. Hope has always been something Albus has taken care of. And they don’t associate me with him the same way, say, you do. So I suppose there must be something about me, usually not apparent, that is encouraging to those I would help.

That infuriates you too, doesn’t it? I often find it hard to believe how greedy you are. You swagger in here thinking every little thing is going to go absolutely your way or nobody else’s. The world never works that way, Dolores, for anyone, and certainly not for you.

I wonder what that commotion outside is. Whatever it is, I hope it is something you cannot take care of.