James Dreams

James dreams.

He dreams of Lily, of Remus and Sirius, of his parents. Most of all, though, he dreams of Harry.

Harry's nearly three, and he spends most of his time following James around the house, crying to be picked up. Lily's sick in bed, with coughs and sniffles and a throat too sore to speak, and James isn't quite sure what to do. He loves Harry, always has and always will, but he's a little overwhelmed, and Harry just keeps crying to be picked up. James picks Harry up, throws the boy in the air, and Harry's cries become laughs. Harry has green eyes, green green green, like Lilly's eyes, and James loves Harry the most for his eyes. James tucks Harry under his arm and Harry squeals, kicking his feet as James takes him upstairs to see Lily. James thinks this is what love is.

Harry's five, and he runs through Lily's garden, barefoot, while Lily cares for the flowers. Harry's skinny for his age, knobby knees and sun-browned skin, and he has a loose tooth. He plays with the tooth with his tongue, pushing it around and around and around as he runs, and James tells Lily that Harry's going to choke on his tooth and die. Lily just smiles, dusts off her gardening gloves, and watches their son. James thinks this is what love is.

Harry's eight now, and when he screams for something he wants, things break. First it was glasses set on the kitchen table. Harry wanted a cookie, and he screamed, and they shattered. Now he's screaming again, and Lily's snow globe, set on the bookshelf in the front room, shatters, water and enchanted snow flying everywhere. James cuffs Harry atop the head and Harry stops screaming for a moment, and while Harry's staring at James, and James is staring back, Lily gives Harry a sweet. James tells Lily she's too gentle with Harry, that Harry will grow up to be a brat, but Lily just gives James a sweet, too. James thinks this is what love is.

Harry's eleven, and he's waving through the train's window. Lily's waving back, and James wraps an arm around her waist as he waves as well. Harry's face is pressed up against the glass, and his nose is beginning to mark the glass, but it's not their window, so James can't find it in himself to care. He waves and waves and waves, and when the train begins to move towards Hogwarts, he picks up Lily and spins her around, laughing. Harry's growing up, Harry's growing up. James thinks this is what love is.

Harry's sixteen and angry. He yells at James, screams at Lily, breaks things and swears and stomps up the stairs. He'd just screamed that he hated them, hated them both, wished they were dead. Now Lily's holding James's arms, pleading with him to understand, but James wants to hit that boy. Harry doesn't understand how much Lily loves him, how much James loves him, and he just wants to make that boy see. Lily says don't, says please understand, and James grabs Lily, holds her tight. Harry makes him so mad sometimes, makes him want to hex something. Hours later, when he and Lily are reading the paper together, there're footsteps on the stairs. Harry says he loves them, and Lily gets up to make dinner. James thinks this is what love is.

Harry's twenty-three. He's married to one of his classmates, and he's finally settled down. James thinks it's because of the baby in Harry's arm, a baby with black hair and squinty eyes, a red face. The baby's beautiful, like Harry was beautiful when he was born, and James feels pride burst through his chest. They've done it, Lily and him. Harry's a good man, a good father. Harry's wonderful, and James isn't quite sure how Harry got to be so good, when he and Lily messed up so many times, but they've finished it. Harry's grown-up, Harry doesn't need them anymore. Harry has his own family, his own life. Harry hands the baby to Lily, and Lily smiles at James. James thinks this is what love is.

James Potter dreams as he floats in Cocytus. He's alone, floating in water that buoys him up, and his body feels curiously cold and numb. He's dead, he knows he's dead, and he misses Harry, and he misses Lily. He won't see Harry grow up, won't ever see Harry lose a tooth, or go to Hogwarts, or get married. He won't see a lot of things, and so he dreams them in his head as he floats in the river. Alone, alone, alone. He hates to be alone.

A whisper and a voice and a hand slips into his, fingers curling around his fingers. Soft, small. Lily's hands, Lily Lily Lily.

Harry's going to be alone. Harry will live all alone. He'll lose a tooth alone, go to Hogwarts alone, get married alone. But Harry's going to grow up, grow old. Harry will do anything he wants, be anything he wants, because Lily loved him, and because James loved him.

And this, this is what love is.