Of Potions and Wolves

for yap

Seventh year at Hogwarts.

Remus thought he'd throw up again, but managed to hold it down. Nine times in one hour! They'd done a really good job this time - poisoning his food. He leaned his head against the cold stone wall and tried to breathe normally. If this was going on much longer he'd sure start to cry, and that was the last thing he wanted to happen. 'Only four more weeks,' he thought weakly. In four weeks school would finally be over and he'd be away from here. Not that he hated Hogwarts! It was like home. Here his life had changed entirely - for the better. Sometimes he even looked forward to the next full moon. He'd never thought that possible.

But that only made it worse. Three weeks ago, a group of Slytherin fourth-years had found out. Actually he was surprised that in seven years no-one else had, except for Snape. But whereas Snape, under pressure from Dumbledore, kept his silence, this time the word was all over school. And it had taken only one night. One bloody God-damn night in which he wasn't careful enough!

And then it started to get messy. Although the Headmaster had denied the rumours, even made a speech in front of all the students and teachers, they'd started picking on him. And not only Slytherins - students of every house started bullying him with anything from angry looks and shouting names to more or less violent actions. He'd never thought that it would be this bad. He tried to convince himself that the amount of violations was due to all the Voldemort-paranoia around.

Remus tried to cope, but instead of sitting it out or standing up against it, he'd shut himself off. His friends told him to stay close, to let them protect him, but he couldn't stand it. So he'd been more and more on his own, steering clear of other people and burying his head in his books.

Today he'd even skipped lunch. He'd got himself a plate with food and taken it to his new hideout - an old stable with stone walls on three sides. He'd discovered it early in second year, but hadn't had any use of it until now. It stood near the Forbidden Forest on top of a little hill, hidden behind a row of mighty old trees, and the view through the open side of the shack was really something to treasure. No-one would find him here, not even his friends.

When he was sure that nothing would come up again - not that he had anything left that could - he leaned his back against the wall. The half-full plate lay in front of him on the ground, looking innocently up at him. Remus growled and gave it an angry kick, sending it halfway through the room, nearly hitting a black clothed figure which had just detached itself from the left hand wall to stand up against the almost dark sky.

Remus jumped. "Who is it?" No answer. "Sirius - that you? You scared me to death!"

"Pity, you look dead already," a sneering voice said. "LUMOS!" Remus felt like someone just started to drain the last drops of blood out of him.

"Snape?!" That really was the last person he'd expected to see - and wanted to see. "What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing in ... here?" Snape gave the impression of being just as surprised as Remus was, looking unsnapeishly confused, as if searching for words.

Finally Snape broke the silence.

"You don't look so hot, wolfboy! Not to mention the smell."

"Get lost ... - Snape!"

Silence again. Only Remus' heavy breathing was heard.

"Let me guess -, " Snape started again. He inspected the food which was now all over the wall. He - sniffed at it and then actually ate a crumb of it. Remus gaped. " - someone put a little silver-powder into your food? I heard rumours - thought they were too daft to do it."

Remus' mouth went dry. "They gave me silver to eat? That ... can't be! Silver would ... "

"Kill you? Hardly in this low concentration. It's powder, not bullets!" Snape said coldly. "Looks like this will be a rough night for you. Sorry, but I can't stay and watch." He turned to go. "Not that I actually want to do this, but - I'll tell Evans where she can pick you up. Don't want that gang of yours on my heels if you die after all. I'm not in the mood for this crap with the N.E.W.T.s next week. But it could take some time, let's say two or three hours?"

"NO!" Remus' voice cracked and he started to choke. "If you tell my friends - anyone - about this, I'm going ... to make next week the hell on earth for you, I swear. I'll get Sirius to ... sabotage your test or ... something horrible! Don't you dare tell anyone!"

Remus stood almost upright now and looked as menacing as he could. He waited for Snape's retort, but he just stared at him. Remus had never seen Snape looking like this. He held Remus' eyes for a few seconds and then left without another word.

Remus' chest was pounding and his legs finally gave way. He collapsed to the ground and wondered if he'd possibly made a mistake.

***

He must have been out for some time. Remus lay on the floor, but he wasn't cold. He turned his head - someone had conjured a fire.

"Back again?" Snape sat by the opposite wall, looking unpatient.

"So are you. What is this, some kind of sick - "

"Drink this!" Snape held a flask to his face.

"Sure. I'm going to laugh ... later, when I'm - "

"It's an antidote!"

"Alright, and I'm VOLDEMORT!" Remus saw Snape twitching. That gave him at least a little satisfaction. "You're afraid?"

"Laugh all you want, Lupin, but when I said the powder wouldn't kill you, I meant it wouldn't kill you if you were in the hospital."

Remus found it hard to concentrate, he couldn't judge this situation. And he couldn't judge Snape. He wished Sirius was here. He could feel sweat trickling down his back.

"Why are you giving me this?"

"Consider it scientific interest. Nobody will try my concoctions any more, so ... "

"Sirius told me what happened to that poor Hufflepuff girl! And how she runs away every time she sees you."

"THAT WASN'T MY FAULT! She didn't - pay attention!"

"Keep it! I'm not interested in your affairs. Why are you helping me?"

"I'm NOT helping you. I want a favour in return."

This was new! He should get into allegiance with Snape? "What favour?"

"You don't expect me to tell you right away, do you?"

"No."

"So?"

"You surely don't expect me to do anything that could endanger my friends - or anyone else, do you? Because I would - "

"- die before anything blablabla, yeah I know."

"Give me five minutes to think about it."

"Sure. Make yourself comfortable!"

Remus glared. There was nothing to help him with this decision. And he was starting to get sick again. Oh God. Perhaps he should try to stall for time? "Tell me, Snape. What's so hot about potions anyway?"

Snape blinked. "Are you trying to smalltalk me, Lupin?"

"Yes."

"I won't fall for it," he sneered.

Remus said nothing, waiting for Snape to - fall for it.

"I'm not expecting you to understand the subtle science and exact art that is potion making," Snape finally started lecturing. "It has nothing to do with silly wand waving or stupid incantations. Science isn't instinct or talent or luck. It's knowledge and learning, it's hard work. It's predictable, it doesn't suprise you. At least not like - other things."

"You mean, it's boring!"

"Of course it's not as fascinating as some of your pityful wolf-stories." He stood up, anger made his voice threatening. "Come on, I always wanted to hear them. Tell me all about being feared and hated, misjudged and tortured. Come on, Lupin, tell me all about your misery!"

Remus, too, pulled himself up, his face as white as chalk. "Shut up, Snape! You don't know anything about misery. And it has nothing to do with pity. I can't stand it anymore - people having that look in their eyes, talking about that poor boy with that terrible disease. I'm nothing pityful!"

Snape lowered his voice. "Well, you are now!"

Remus went on, ignoring Snape's disgusted look. "When you change it hurts. But after that, it's nothing you've ever experienced, you just don't have to be afraid of it. That's what you have to learn, and that's what scares all the people. A werewolf who loves being a werewolf, imagine that. They want us to be afraid of what we are, and I'm not going to let them do that to - "

He stopped short - number ten was coming up. He tried to reach out for the wall for support but Snape was faster. He grabbed Remus by his robe with one hand, holding his head with the other. When it was over, Remus curled himself up on the floor, but Snape dragged him unceremoniously back to his feet. "Assume I'm the good guy, and take the bloody potion for God's sake, before you throw up your own blood! And stay away from my robe! It's new, you know."

"Then ... don't come ... so close." Every word was hot flaming pain. Snape tried to step back, but Remus wouldn't let go of his arm, sqeezing it painfully. "Oh God ..." He should have gone to the hospital wing. He tried to focus on - anything, but he couldn't see clear anymore. Snape put something to his mouth and Remus drank whatever it was. After that, he mercifully passed out once more.

***

It was daylight when Remus opened his eyes again. He felt weak and all his muscles hurt, but he wasn't sick anymore. He staggered to his feet. He looked around. Of course, Snape was gone. But he'd left his blanket and it seemed that he'd done some cleaning spell on the room. Remus shook his head. Sirius wouldn't believe one word of this, and Remus couldn't imagine the kind of favour that would make Snape do things like that. He looked at his watch. Bloody hell, he would be late for Potions, of all things. He grabbed the blanket but decided that this could possible lead to some really embarassing questions. So he left it behind.

***

Two and a half weeks later, with their N.E.W.T.s over and only seven school-days left, Remus decided to ask Snape about his payment. He wasn't so hot on being blackmailed, but they had some kind of deal, which, if possible, he was willing to keep. And apart from anything else Remus got himself convinced that Snape had saved his life that night. He only wondered if Snape had known that. Well, if he did, he sure didn't care much. In fact, he didn't even try to remind Remus of what had happened, let alone force him to do anything in return. So Remus had become curious and did something he normally would find rather disturbing - he'd observed Snape. In class, at dinner and when he saw him in the library. It wasn't very ecxiting. But during the last two days Remus had noticed a change in Snape's behaviour. He'd gotten even more nervous and touchy and Remus didn't think it was about the exams. He'd also noticed that Malfoy and the others were kind of restless too, but more like they were looking forward to something. And Malfoy seemed to stick even closer to Snape.

Remus didn't care about what was going on in Slytherin, but he wanted to pay his debts. He wanted this over and done with before they would leave school, he wanted to consider this matter closed.

And so he waited for an opportunity to talk to Snape. It presented itself after Divination, where Snape had to serve detention for holding a thirteen minute speech about the future being completely unpredictable. Professor Spunt went totally crazy, not being able to stop his logic.

Remus waited for him outside the classroom. "Don't you think it's about time you tell me what you want?"

Snape looked irritated. "What are you talking about?" He didn't bother to stop, so Remus had to catch up with him.

"What I'm talking about? I'm talking about that night ... " Snape still showed no sign of understanding. " ... where you gave me the antidote? You said you wanted something in return! Would you please slow down!"

"I don't have time for this, Lupin. Forget it - we're quits. Now go and play with someone else."

Remus was stunned. "We are quits? What do you - " But he couldn't finish this thought because Snape suddenly stopped and pushed him against the next wall.

"I only say this once. You stay away from me, Lupin!" His voice was low but the message was unmistakeable. So Remus said nothing. Snape let him go, and with a swish of his robe disappeared around the next corner.

Remus stood there for a while and felt - relieved? That was easy. That was - too easy in fact - but, what the heck, it was perfect! He did away with his presumably wolf-based curiosity and tried not to think about it anymore.

***

On his last day at Hogwarts, Remus was in a bad mood. He knew he should be looking forward to all the new things to come. Wasn't he a talented and clever young man, okay 29 days a month, - not to mention handsome - and could be anything he wanted? But he couldn't shake off the feeling that it wouldn't go the easy way, that something had to happen. And that it wouldn't be pleasant. He shrugged. Now that was clearly paranoia. Or foresight, some part of him kept nagging. Whatever, he couldn't do anything about it now. The Marauders had planned to party tonight in the Shrieking Shack and party it would be! Remus had bought presents for all his friends and was excited about seeing their surprised faces.

***

After it got dark, Remus made his way down to Hogsmeade. He was packed with parcels and food. It was raining maliciously, so he kept himself dry with a charm. As he crossed the road leading to the old stable he paused. He couldn't see much through all this rain, but a flicker of movement caught his attention. Okay, so Snape was using this hideout too, he'd figured that out by now. Nothing to get excited about. But he was still curious. He still had the feeling that this matter wasn't finished. Perhaps it was this legendary Gryffindor stubbornness that forced Remus all the way up the hill, while the rain went from malicious to horrible, pouring down in heavy, painful drops.

He placed his stuff under the ledge. No lights. Perhaps he'd seen ghosts. "LUMOS," he called, and carefully entered the room. But there wasn't much to see. What was he thinking! He sighed and stepped back outside. At least he could enjoy one last view.

With a spell that conjured a little fake lightning-bolt he illuminated the scenery. Snape sat on the grass, about twenty feet away, and Remus got the fright of his life - again. "What the hell ...?" Remus lit up the surroundings one more time. Snape was still there, not moving at all. Perhaps he was petrified! Not likely. Injured? No. Perhaps. Oh, hell, he could check him out quickly and then leave.

"HEY, SNAPE!" Remus called out before he went over. He didn't want to be cursed by accident - or on purpose, for that matter. But Snape didn't respond. He would have to take the risk.

Snape was soaked wet. His clothes clung tight to his body, making him look incredibly thin. Water streamed over his face and ran down his back in little torrents, and his left arm was pressed tight to his chest. Remus wondered if Snape had been crying.

"You are ... wet," Remus pointed out sheepishly, but he didn't know what else to say.

Snape didn't look up and Remus barely heard him speak over the rain. "Stating the obvious, eh?"

"What is it with your arm? Are you injured?"

"That's none of your business!" He covered it quickly. "What are you doing here, wolfboy? Shouldn't you be someplace safe?"

Remus assumed that Snape wanted to sound threatening, but he only sounded - lost. "You'd asked me for a favour," Remus said slowly, "looks like you might need it now."

Snape looked up in defiance. "So, who's the one showing pity now."

"I don't pity you. I don't have any reason for that."

"So why don't you leave me alone?"

"I don't know," Remus said. It was the truth. "Consider it ... scientific interrest, or - assume I'm the bad guy who forces you to go inside and dry your clothes before you drop dead!"

Snape was laughing out loud. Now that was something Remus didn't hear every day - in fact, he'd never heard Snape laughing before. It sounded slightly hysterical.

It was over as quickly as it started and Snape looked more miserable than before. "Think I already did that."

"What?"

"You'll never pass for a bad guy, not even with a friend like Black." Snape stretched himself carefully and tried to stand up. He tripped and Remus caught him by his indisposed arm. It felt hot under Remus' hand and Snape made a painful noise, pulling his arm back. Remus frowned. Snape glared at him.

"Don't try to patronize me, Lupin! As I said before, we're quits - and hopefully we'll never meet again after tomorrow!" His eyes darkened and his voice sounded strangely sad. "I mean it. For your own sake."

Remus watched Snape go. There it was again, his bad feeling about the future. He tried to sort it all out but didn't get very far. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know anyway and decided to shove it off for now. He gathered up his parcels. He longed to be with his friends. Snape was right. Remus should be someplace safe, this wasn't his business. And hopefully they wouldn't have to meet again.

the end