Nothing's Lost Which Can't Be Found If Sought

It was way past midnight. The room was dark. Only moonlight was softly reflected from bottles, shimmering glasses and cauldrons of all sizes. The smell of hot chocolate mixed with lavender perfume and something like heavy medical treatment still hung in the air, the remains of a highly complicated antidote he had made for Longbottom today.

It had taken him the best part of four hours to prepare the ingredients, not to mention the time he wasted making it. Neville's high-pitched screams would echoe in his head for weeks to follow. Of course he'd had to cancel all his classes.

Severus Snape fell asleep the moment his head touched the pillow. He wouldn't need a sleeping potion after this day.

Surprisingly he had an interesting and somehow pleasant dream. Something about ... McGonagall?!

"Severus, are you awake?" she whispered in his left ear.

He lay extremely still, opening his eyes very slowly while hissing through his teeth: "I really hope I am!" He paused, realising that she was really standing in his room. "What the hell are you doing here?" Then another thought struck: "Don't tell me Longbottom's dead! Because he won't get himself out of this one that easily. He's going to serve detention until his finals. Not that he'll pass them anyway."

McGonagall raised an indignant eyebrow but decided to ignore her colleague's insolence. She hadn't come here to fight. But then again ... "Well, I´m sure he would have suffered a most painful death, but I made some improvements to your so-called antidote. It worked just fine afterwards!" she told him cheerfully while bracing herself for the Snape Impact to follow.

"What do you want, Minerva, it's late and I'm tired!"

This wasn't the answer she'd expected, nor the voice he usually reserved for their bickerings. She managed to give her voice a demanding tone, nonetheless.

"I need your help with - something."

With a sigh, Snape sat up and was out of bed in one smooth movement. He put on his clothes, almost without making any sound. She turned around when she thought he'd finished, meeting his bad-tempered but also slightly curious glare.

"So, what would that >something< be exactly?"

***

Five minutes later Snape was standing impatiently in her Transfiguration classroom. "If you'd told me earlier I would have brought some footstools along, but I could turn some of your tables into sheep."

"Don't be silly!" she snapped, taking a deep breath.

"You know, Albus has this book he keeps locked up in his private library, protected with dozens of charms and enchantments - first edition, ‘only existing copy in the whole wizarding world’, present from his father-like mentor at Hogwarts - ...?"

Snape scowled and waved an impatient hand at her. Albus had told him all about his book. A hundred times at least. It was his No.1- collectible, his precious. He loved and cared about that old thing like a child.

"He lent it to me a week ago and ... I lost it!"

The expression on McGonagall's face was priceless. Better still, it paid for being so unceremoniously thrown out of bed earlier.

"I have been looking for it for a whole week now, ev'rywhere, with ev'ry retrieving spell or lost-and-found charm possible. Nothing." She seemed clearly desperate by now.

Snape just stated the obvious. "Albus' protecting spells are hiding the book from ev'ry person other than himself. Just ask him to summon it back instead of making such a fuss in the middle of the night, woman."

"Oh, come on", she sighed heavily, "would you confess to him you just lost one of his dearest possessions that he entrusted you with?"

"Yes! It's just a book, for God's sake."

He couldn't hide a bemused smile. Irrationality was supposed to be reserved for him.

She tried to gain control of the situation, using her lecturing voice once more. "Well, I thought you would certainly know a spell I don't, for - obvious reasons."

There was an awfully long silence, followed by a drop in temperature.

"I see." Snape said icily, emphasizing each single word. "Let's call the resident Death Eater to use some Dark Magic."

"That´s not what I ..."

The expression on his face cut her short. She made a defensive move - almost drawing her wand.

That was all it took for Snape to explode.

"You didn't ask me for help. You just needed someone to do the dirty work for you, didn't you? Why does ev'ryone in this bloody school think they can use me like this. >Severus, please, do some cruel things, cast some Unforgivables, get some information out of You-Know-Who-Voldemort!< Can't you just leave me alone for once!"

McGonagall was completely stunned. "I'm sorry, it's just a book. I didn't think..."

"No, you didn't", he snapped. Then, in a very low voice, "I really shouldn't be surprised."

Snape stared at her for almost a minute. Then, with McGonagall just staying silent, his eyes went from black to absolutely dark, his voice from ice to glacier as he waved his wand in a powerful and violent gesture, doing the spell she wasn't able to do.

****

McGonagall tried to put this down as one more incident of irrational Snape behaviour. But he didn't attend breakfast, and as she saw him between classes he looked terribly pale, avoiding eye contact. So she had hurt him. Fine. But ... they had had hundreds of fights in the past, some of them really nasty and personal. But he never shunned her before.

There was something definitely wrong and she intended to find out what.

After dinner she went down to the Potions classroom. She knocked - no answer. She tried once more, then opened the door.

Snape had apparently fallen asleep while grading papers. Alarmed by the noise he sat up straight.

"What is it with you waking me up all the time."

"What is it with you sleeping all the time. This doesn't seem like you at all." Looking at him she decided to make a break for it.

"Severus, I'm really sorry for what happened yesterday. I hope you understand that I certainly didn't intend to use you the way you pointed out. Perhaps you are right concerning my not being sensitive enough to realize that my request could endanger our ..." She paused, finally lost for words.

"Friendship?" he offered in his most sarcastic tone.

"Perhaps," she said slowly. "What's wrong, Severus?"

"I'm not going to tell you!" he said coldly. She had already caught him off guard. And he wouldn't allow this situation to get any more out of hand.

"So, there is something wrong. I knew it."

He straightened up, trying to look as menacing as possible. "No, there isn't. Go - away. I have things to do." he ground out.

But she wasn't moving at all.

"Important things." he snapped.

"I'm not going," she said as calmly as possible.

"Please. Don't do this to me."

"I'm not going!"

He didn't want to tell her. He didn't want to tell anyone. Not her, not his former teacher. Not that blasted Gryffindor woman who was so secure about everything all the time. But then the words came out as if he'd prepared and learned them by heart weeks ago. He kept his eyes closed.

"Albus asked me to join Voldemort's inner circle again. I know ..." raising one hand so she didn't interrupt him, "... Albus decided not to tell anyone, and he knew you of all people wouldn't approve."

He was right. She wouldn't have. But she never thought that Dumbledore would keep such a decision to himself. She would have a word with Albus later, but at the moment she was more concerned about Snape.

"I was - accepted," Snape went on in an unnervingly dead voice. "Voldemort took the opportunity right away. He wanted to have someone in Hogwarts after he came back, someone right at the heart, someone who he was willing to trust. I mean, we always thought he would have me tested or tortured or that he would just pretend to trust me, knowing that I knew that he knew ... but - he really has confidence in me."

At this he stopped and opened his eyes. They were quite matching his voice.

"He said ... he knows who I am. But I don't know. I think I never knew. Maybe that's why it was so easy becoming a Death Eater and changing sides again when I had the opportunity."

"You think betraying Voldemort was easy?"

"It was easier than going to Azkaban," he snapped. This wasn't much of an explanation, but she wouldn't understand anyway.

"Ev'ryone seems to know what I'm capable of and why. Albus has such faith in me! I just can't stand it."

Snape started pacing the room, increasing the volume of his voice with every step.

"My students should expect me to be a positive example for them or at least to show some competence. If they don't trust me I can't teach them anything. But If I don't trust myself how can people have trust in me? In the end I'm going to betray ev'ryone. Voldemort, Albus, myself ... my students!"

He took a deep breath.

"So, to sum it all up: Voldemort thinks I'm his perfect spy, Albus thinks I'm his redeemed lost son and his perfect spy, my students think I'm a brain-case - which I am by now - and you think I need your help!"

McGonagall was stupefied for a few moment. Then her brain caught up. Quite extraordinary. Snape had gone from denial to desperation to confusion to exasperation to downright cynicism in less than five minutes. She obviously had opened Pandora's Box. And now it was her job to save the world. Snape's World in fact. But before she had the chance to say anything he brought his face awfully close to hers.

"We've never had this conversation, am I making myself clear?" Back to denial again.

He didn't wait for her to answer.

"I have to go now."

And without any other word he swept out of the room, leaving McGonagall with more than one question about what she was to do now.

***

The following week was covered under clouds of red swirling dust. Snape felt like swimming underwater. He had to attend Death Eater meetings every night since he'd had that - talk to McGonagall.

Teaching became extremely difficult. He had to improvise most of his classes and the students certainly noticed his lack of enthusiasm. The only thing he enjoyed was taking points from Gryffindor at an extensive rate. Longbottom had started trembling every time he saw Snape between classes and even Granger gave up trying to answer his questions, giving him glares pretty much resembling his own.

He reported to Dumbledore every bit of information he gathered, which probably saved more than one live. But he didn't feel satisfied or relieved. On Friday morning, Dumbledore brought up the subject of a request from the Ministry of Magic concerning two unlawful spells performed on Hogwarts grounds. He had found a way to cover it up, because he assumed it had something to do with his jobs for Voldemort. He was obviously not pleased with Snape not telling him about this, but didn't press on the matter any further. Of course Dumbledore trusted him. Snape felt deeply ashamed lying to him.

He also felt like something should have caught his attention, but it hadn't.

He didn't speak to Minerva again. She was obviously busy with something important. Good for her!

He wasn't angry. He hadn't had much time to be angry. He was just ... disappointed. This thought struck him the same evening at the end of another Death Eater meeting. He tried to shut it out but it kept nagging. He was shocked about how much it affected him, and how much it obviously showed on the surface, because Lucius Malfoy took interest.

"Severus, what's on your mind? You look like some of your concoctions has grown legs and started walking over your dead body." he said humourously. Malfoy had known Snape since they were kids and seemed to be suspecting him of one of his moods.

"Why don't you come to London with us this time, to have some fun." He put his arm around Snape's shoulder.

"You know, you are acting suspicious, what with not having attended one single raid since your return." The Dark Lord tolerating Snape's behaviour didn't mean Lucius had to go along with it.

Snape gave him a blank look and said slowly: "Dumbledore suspect me, you know that well enough. You want to see me in Azkaban because I'm not the social type?"

Malfoy smirked. "Of course not. But ... well, no one is waiting for you."

Snape froze. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, come now, Severus. You've got no friends at Hogwarts, no one will be missing you in the middle of the night. It's a risk you can easily take. Come with us, for old times' sake."

"All right," Snape said tiredly, shaking Lucius' arm off and trying to ignore the nausea slowly working his way up from his stomach. It didn't work so he bit his tongue, hard, so he could feel the blood. It did seem easy, and the appropriate thing for him to do, and in a way he longed for it. Not because of the killing. He wouldn't use innocent people to solve his identity crises, not now, not while his brain was still trying to catch up with things he'd done a week ago. He had to clear his head first, then he could still decide to kill someone off. No hurry there.

"I think about it ... perhaps ... next time," his eyes narrowing at Lucius, he tried to pu some determination back into his voice. "I'm well aware of the fact that Dumbledore isn't pacing up and down my room right now. But ... he's clearly able to notice a teacher's condition. I need to get some sleep before my hands start shaking all the time."

He wrapped his robe tight around his body and Apparated before Malfoy couldn't get any chance to protest.

***

The street leading from Hogsmeade to Hogwarts was deserted at this time of night. He could see his breath in the air. Winter was definitely making an early start this year.

At the end of the road a tabby cat was waiting for him, sitting patiently on the cold pavement. She looked at him reproachfully, like he was late for some important appointment.

A gift-wrapped package was lying beside her. It was too dark to see if the paper had any pattern on it. Not that he was curious about that. Of all things.

The cat mewed.

Snape hesitated, but finally picked the package up carefully, staring at it for quite a while. The cat just went on sitting there, trying not to look too smug.

"What ..."

It was one of his old school books. It was ... a special one: "Potions and their Masters: A History", a very rare one, only a few copies existing. Professor Keele had given it to him at the end of his first year at Hogwarts.

He had shown quite an obsession with potion making, getting himself into trouble more than once with some of his experiments. But he really was good at it, better than any first year student. Professor Keele had sounded neither friendly nor concerned as she spoke to him in her office. She just gave him this book ... "I'm sure your determination and passion for this subject will give you the opportunity to surpass yourself, Master Snape. I'm expecting great things from you in the future." He had been so proud.

"I had forgotten all about it," he said to no one in particular, his fingers softly padding the worn-out cover. He opened it, his name was still there.

McGonagall gave him time to remember.

Someone had stolen it. He had accused Black of course, but he and Potter had nothing to do with it. Keele and McGonagall had tried to get it back. The former to keep him from driving the whole school crazy, the latter to get her students out of disparagement. But the thief, whoever he was, kept it spellbound and Snape never got it back. And then he had forgotten it, along with many other things he once hoped to treasure or achieve.

McGonagall had transfigured while he was still looking silently at the book.

"I thought you might want to have it back now."

The spell finally broke and he turned his head, meeting her eyes. "You did that spell I used on Albus' book?"

"I´m a fast learner, Professor Snape." Of course it had taken her a full week of night shifts to master that spell, but, judging by the look on his face, it was still fast enough.

She gave him an openly warm smile and then turned herself back to cat form, quite pleased with herself. No need for either of them to stay out in the cold much longer.

Severus Snape had never managed something as close to a true smile before. But then again, no one there to notice and tell the tale, except for a tabby cat which - wasn't there anymore.

He pressed the book tightly to his chest and started walking towards Hogwarts.