Thestrals

"Fiddle-dee, Fiddle-dee, Fiddle-dee-dee,

How many Thestrals can you see?

Your brother thinks flying is so much fun;

He crashes his broom, and that makes one."

"I hate that song," said Lily quietly. "And you're going to drop him."

The baby bobbed and spun in the air in front of his father, giggling hysterically. "Relax, Lily," said James, gently waving his wand up and down. "Look, he loves it."

Lily tried to ignore them and got on with organising the post dinner washing up. "Scourgify!" The brush began scrubbing away at the dishes and pans in the sink. Lily sank down onto one of the chairs. She was exhausted. Harry was getting his molars, and she felt like she hadn't slept in days. There was a rustling in the bushes outside and she jumped up and flew to the window. "What was that? James, come and look."

James sighed and remained where he was. Lily scanned the garden. A single magpie flew out of a bush and landed on the gate. She pushed open the window and threw a clothes pin at the bird. It flew away.

"Lily, you've got to relax. You're really winding me up." James's attention slipped, and Harry would have smacked down onto the floor if Lilly hadn't been quick. She plucked Harry out of the air and held him to her chest, giving James a look of death. He grinned sheepishly. "You distracted me."

Lily turned her back on her husband and took Harry into the lounge. As she carried him, he held his arms out to James and called, "Dah!"

She set him down and closed the door. He immediately made a beeline for the fireplace. Lily had put an Impassable Spell around the hearth, and Harry became furious when he realised that he wouldn't be able to reach the fire. He threw his little body onto the floor and screamed. He had an awe inspiring temper, her baby boy.

She couldn't keep him safe, and it was killing her. If he wasn't trying to reach into the fireplace, he was climbing up the bookcase, or getting into the potions ingredients cabinet. His curiosity was insatiable, and he didn't listen to, "No," even when she lost her own temper and shouted it at him.

Constantly running after Harry was exhausting, but it was the ever-present sense of dread that was driving her over the edge. The knowledge that Death was out there, and it was looking for them, and maybe it was only a matter of time before something truly terrible...

The thought obsessed her. There were people who wanted to see her family dead – people who would think nothing of slaughtering them like animals to further their own ends. She wanted to wrap Harry up in cotton and pack him away in a box. She felt this desire in her blood and marrow. She would do anything to keep him safe.

After a moment, he toddled over to her and started plucking at her chest saying, "Eh, eh, eh." She lifted her blouse and let him nurse. His soft snuffles and sighs began to calm her. She closed her eyes and stroked his hair, which was unfeasibly long for a baby his age. Lily could imagine what Petunia would have to say about breastfeeding a 15 month old. But Lily wanted to keep Harry close to her for as long as possible. When he finished, she scooped him into her arms. He rested his head against her chest and murmured, "Mah," contentedly. These rare moments, when he was at rest long enough for her to hold him and smell him, overwhelmed everything else. The fear and desperation momentarily drifted away. She held the moment close – it was so delicious, so sublime. When she was old would she still be able remember the exact sensation of his feathery hair, plump cheeks, and doughy smell?

Harry began to wriggle and she let him slide off of her and onto the floor again. He ran to the bookcase and began pulling out books and throwing them across the room. When Lily tried to replace the books, Harry cried.

James opened the door and poked his head in. "What are you doing to him?"

Lily scooped Harry up. "Here, you take him again."

James rolled his eyes at her and disappeared with the baby. Soon, she heard James in the kitchen, continuing to sing that infernal song.

"Fiddle-dee, Fiddle-dee, Fiddle-dee-dee

How many Thestrals can you see?

Your daddy catches dragon pox, but what can you do?

Pop him in a box, and that makes two.

Fiddle-dee, Fiddle-dee, Fiddle-dee-dee

How many Thestrals can you see?

Your sister takes a stroll by a Guillotine Tree,

It lops off her head, and that makes three."

She went back out to the kitchen. "Look, really, James. Shut up. You're giving me the creeps."

He was bouncing Harry on his knee. He gave her a mischievous look and continued,

"Fiddle-dee, Fiddle-dee, Fiddle-dee-dee

How many Thestrals can you see?

Your mummy hears The Dark Lord at the door,

"Avada Kedavra!" That makes four."

"Do you really think you're being funny?" She was shaking now. She knew his jokes and teasing were his way of coping with the situation, but there was a limit to her tolerance. "I swear, James, if you don't stop it I'm going to hex you so badly..." She felt tears stinging her eyes.

James knew he'd gone too far. He sighed and held Harry still. "We're safe here, Lily. As safe as we can be. Peter won't betray us. We've got to just get on with things. Worrying makes it worse."

"If we could just get away for a while. Just go out and do something. The pressure...I feel like I could go mad."

"Don't you think that I'm frustrated, too? My three best friends are out there fighting and I'm stuck here..."

"With your wife and baby."

"...doing nothing. There's a war going on out there, and I'm in hiding like some..."

"We're all in hiding, James. All three of us. You aren't the only one who is feeling frustrated."

James shook his head and stood up with Harry in his arms. "Come here," he said.

"Leave me alone."

"Come here." He looked at her, and this time his expression was entirely serious. She looked into his eyes and saw that he was hers, and this reminded her that she was his. They had chosen each other.

She went to him. He wrapped an arm around her, and she rested her head on his shoulder. He buried his face in her hair. Harry was squirming between them. 'Another frozen moment', Lily thought, 'This is it. This is why we are alive.'

Suddenly, James lifted his head and looked out the window. Lily looked up and saw that his face was deathly pale. "Lily..." he said.