Hidden Inside

Chapter 4: Trials and Tribulations

"So let me get this straight," said Sirius, frowning. "Lily had to choose between you and Snivellus ... and she picked him?"

"Yes," James answered promptly.

"You're kidding. Severus Snape?"

"Damn right."

"Slimy git-face Snape?"

"That's the one."

Sirius leaned back onto the couch, bewilderment affecting his handsome face. In one of the few moments of his life, he was at loss for words.

"I know. Mind-boggling, right?" James said spiritlessly. He tried to feign unconcern by rolling his eyes and shrugging before he proceeded to attempt the finishing touches of his homework assignment, which was due in the next ten minutes. But for moments, his narrowed eyes were fixed on one spot of the parchment, and his quill did not so much as quiver. By the time the shock had begun to ebb away, Sirius was ready to advise his friend not to count on feedback from inanimate objects. But before he opened his mouth, James pushed his assignment away and violently rounded on Sirius.

"Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with that woman! She didn't even give me a reason for ending it with me in the first place. And you would think that even though we're not exactly in the mode for snogging each other's faces at the moment, you'd THINK that she'd still want to pick me over him." He glowered at the portraits in the Common Room as if it were their fault and they scowled back, leaving him to glare at Sirius's owl, which had just flown in.

"True," sighed Sirius faithfully. He gave his best friend a frail smile that indicated that he was indeed beyond hope. "She's really taking this breakup seriously, mate." A bit too promptly, he transferred his attention to the roll of parchment in his owl's beak. He plucked the letter from the owl, read it, and burst out in a wide smile.

"What?" James asked warily, upset that anyone could be happy while he was suffering and curious about the contents of the letter.

"Clarise just ended it with me!" Sirius beamed and threw the parchment to James.

"I thought you were with Tina...weren't you snogging her in the broom closet before Divination today?" James asked, confused. He perused the caustic letter and shuddered. Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius's obvious lack of care for the letter.

"No, that was Tina's sister, Mina. Tina was yesterday in the History classroom," Sirius said nonchalantly. "Mina's better than Tina though," he added as an afterthought. James sighed and put the letter on the counter.

"Maybe she's testing you," Peter piped in helpfully. "It could be that she wants to see how much you care about her. Now that I think on it, it could be the same for Lily, too."

Sirius scratched his chin, letting it sink in. "You know what? That is a thought ..."

Then, realizing who had spoken, he joined James in his flabbergasted stare at the short marauder. "That might have been the most intelligent-sounding statement you've made in the last two years," Sirius said with awe. "Well done, Wormtail."

James whispered to Sirius quietly, "What did he say two years ago?"

"I think it was when he dropped acid on McGonagall's shoes and he said 'I should start running now, shouldn't I?' " Sirius whispered back. James opened his mouth with an "oooohh" and nodded, recalling the memory.

Peter shot Sirius a nasty look and continued. "I read somewhere that girls are sometimes unsure of how their boyfriends really feel about them. She probably broke up because she wanted to see how far you'd go to get her back," Peter finished smugly, feeling quite triumphant and omniscient.

James shook his head, looking as if someone had just hexed him. "Wait a minute. Now why would they do that!" he exclaimed. "She couldn't just ask me how I felt?"

"Women are complicated matters, my friend," said Sirius compassionately, patting James on the shoulder. "They like to take the path of least understandability." Remus raised an eyebrow at the statement but Sirius had either failed to notice, or chose to ignore him. "Look at Clarise," he continued. "Spitting nonsense about not paying attention to her and ignoring her needs. Like what does that mean?" he exclaimed. "What needs could she possible have except getting some action with the Hogwarts dream boy?"

Remus rose up from his chair furiously. "Sirius, I can't believe you just said that!" he shouted heatedly.

"What? It's true!" Sirius said defensively. "Just by looking at the girl you can tell that all she can think about is the next time she's going to get snogged."

"Clarise is ranked in the top three percent of the class and is head of the Astronomy club!" Remus said angrily. "And she's a prefect!" Remus added, as if that settled everything.

"Ooohhh yeah," Sirius agreed with a hushed tone, realizing now. "Sorry, I confused her with that twit Abigail. She, on the other hand, could only think of my body," Sirius said fondly. The other three sighed exasperatedly and dropped back onto the couches. James was still in a foul mood, Sirius's bantering not helping any.

"There has to be an explanation for Lily breaking up with you out of the blue," Remus pondered, more to himself than the others. "This is not like her. There has to be a reason behind it."

"Well, yes, we've got that part figured out," James said bitterly.

"Shh!" Remus grimaced with irritation and resumed the appearance of one analyzing the floor. He did not notice James gawking slightly at his reaction.

After a while, Remus shrugged with resignation. "I have Ancient Runes. See you at lunch." He headed toward class without a backward glance.

But she hates Snape! exclaimed every cell of his conscience as he continued to ponder on his way to the third floor. I don't get it. He had many suspicions, of course, but tried not to think of blackmail or bribery, as it was out of character for Lily to give in to such frivolities. But there was another reason he avoided that possibility. It meant that Lily was being forced to do something she did not want to do -- no, that was an understatement. Lily was being forced to do the last thing on earth that she wanted to do. She most likely being threatened or coerced into it, he rationalized. The people probably said something along the lines of harming friends or family if she didn't agree. That must be it! She broke up with James in order to protect him, obviously.

But, of course, he was probably being overdramatic. It wasn't an earth-shattering crisis if Lily decided to break up with James, as long as she had her own reasons. But why didn't she explain it to James properly? Remus had always known her to be a very rational person. He never remembered her being so vague whenever she decided something like this. It was utterly and absurdly out of character. And to add insult to injury by hooking up with her least favorite person as a partner, whom she would have to meet with regularly for months -- would she go that far? It would have been completely understandable if she had partnered up with someone else. If she needed her space, then naturally, she would try to spend as much time away from James as possible.

Some form of force seemed to be the only explanation in Lily's behavior. If the goal was to have Lily partner up with Snape, then her breaking up with James would make her choosing Snape over James more believable. And if Remus continued to tread on this particular road of possibilities -- if it was really blackmail, then why did these people want Lily to do such a thing? What would they gain from that?

A torrent of wild, dreadful thoughts crossed his mind. Of course, it could have been a bit of a stretch, but, well, whenever he thought about or looked at Snape, he could not help but think about the Dark Arts or the Dark Lord -- or something dark. Was someone hoping that Snape would influence her into becoming a Death Eater? No, no, she was a muggleborn. They would want nothing to do with her. And even if she wasn't muggleborn, or they hadn't known that she was -- why Lily? She was brilliant, yes, but that wouldn't have been enough. It couldn't have been because of her family members were Voldemort's servants -- or because she had special connections with certain wizards -- again, she was muggleborn. And if there were any common characteristics for Death Eaters, it would be hatred for muggles and muggleborns. Remus stopped short. If one was potions partners with a potential Death Eater -- or anyone for that matter -- wouldn't the so called Death Eater have a perfectly legitimate excuse for being alone with that person in a certain room -- which would create the perfect opportunity to carry out any anti-muggleborn Death Eater duty they wanted? But again, Remus thought as he continued to walk, why Lily? She was not the only muggleborn in the school.

It was only pure habit that led him to Ancient Runes without getting lost. He could only go where his feet led him. Meanwhile, his mind continued to delve into the tangle of worries and brambles of wild thoughts. He did not know whether some of his inklings had to be further explored or whether his developed suspicions were close enough to the truth. It was not unlike getting lost in the woods. Was he getting farther away from his destination by going this certain direction? If he turned around and went that direction, would that mean turning away from the closest and most direct path?

By the time Remus made it to the classroom, he was in no mood to decipher so much as a piece of parchment. He felt as if his brains had been fried to uselessness. Finding that he could not think anymore, he made his decision. He was going to ask Lily before it drove him insane. He would ask casually first. And if she refused to answer, he would not stop until she gave in. It was not like him to be so persistent, but in Lily's case, it was necessary. Oblivious to his surroundings, Remus nodded to himself.

Yet as much as he tried to feel assured, there was still another glaring thought that lurked in the back of his mind. It prodded his stomach with a knife as he took his seat. It hovered over him as he robotically flipped to page 499 in the Book of Numerology and tried to look interested in its contents.

There was something worse than his concern for Lily's safety. Something worse than the thought of Lily becoming involved with Death Eaters. He knew he would never be able to admit it to anyone, but worse than anything else, he felt guilty for not being able to prevent it. No -- that wasn't the worst. The worst was that if Lily was in danger, he knew that he would not have the strength to protect her from anything.

~

Lily tapped her foot impatiently as she waited in the hallway for Snape's Arithmancy class to end. It had taken her a week of careful observation, stalking, and bribery but she had finally learned his entire schedule. This was her third attempt at approaching Snape about the project. She had failed the first two times but this time she would hold her ground. She would not let him bully her into retreat. She had a reputation with Slughorn to protect after all and she didn't need any pesky Slytherin trying to rub her Potions grade into the dirt. Besides, she had been looking forward to this year! She had so many ideas to run through, the possibilities for experimentation were endless. But she needed Snape's cooperation or otherwise it would all go to waste.

She heard Professor Vector announce the end of class and tensely rocked back and forth between her toes and her heel. The class began filing out and she saw Snape with a couple of friends bringing up the rear. Snape paid her as much attention as he would to a speck of dirt on the wall as he walked smoothly past her.

"Snape, I need to talk to you," Lily said calmly as she followed behind him. He continued on as if he hadn't heard her. She raised her voice even though she knew that the bustling in the hall was not the reason he paid no attention to her. "Snape, this is important, you know it is, and I would appreciate it if you would hear me out," she continued, desperately trying to not succumb to hysterics. He continued talking and snickering with his friends. They were turning the corner now, going into Slytherin territory. It was going to be now or never.

She sped up until she was ahead of him and whipped around so she was directly facing him, not giving him space to move away. Snape glared and opened his mouth to snipe at her but she cut him off.

"Look, I tried being polite, but I guess any type of courtesy doesn't work on you," she said angrily. "Whether you like it or not, we're partners and we have to do this project together. It won't just start on its own. So get rid of your pathetic I'm-better-than-you attitude, Snape, because I'm not going to tolerate it anymore." Snape was radiating fury now and his friends were reaching for their wands. Lily stiffened and nervously groped inside the pocket of her robes to clutch her own. She hoped her apprehension did not show up on her face. She might have been able to handle Snape by himself but it was going to be very difficult to duel all of them. She began taking a step back when Snape put his arm out in front of his friends. They all looked at him warily. He motioned for them to go on without them. She opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off this time.

"If my memory serves me correctly, you were the one who suggested this little pairing," he said scathingly. "So you should have realized that if you're working with me, you're going to have to abide by my rules." Lily opened her mouth in protest but he continued. "First of which, any contact that we have to make can be done by owl. Your Mudblood presence makes my skin crawl."

"The name is Lily, use it," she gritted out, biting her tongue to prevent herself from launching into a tirade of insults.

"Second, I have already begun," he continued as if she hadn't spoken. "So you will only be there to assist me with whatever menial task I need you to perform."

"That's so bloody unfair!" Lily yelled. "Why should I not have an equal say in this! It's my project as much as it is yours!"

"These are my terms, and you can accept them or you can go whine to Slughorn." He smiled menacingly.

He knows bloody well that I won't, she thought mutinously. She straightened up and held her stare, trying hard to look unaffected by this.

Fine, you cocky slime wad.

"Fine. So where --"

"The old Potions classroom in the third dungeon corridor tomorrow at five," Snape replied. And he left, leaving Lily just standing there. She flushed red with fury.

Damn him, damn him, damn him to the pits of hell.

~

Lily fiddled restlessly with her quill as she tried to pay attention to Professor Flitwick. But his lecture was only coming through in waves, as if his voice came out of a stereo, and someone was fooling around with the volume knob. Forgive me if the theory on wart removal isn't at the top of my priority list right now. She made a half-hearted attempt to write notes, constantly reminding herself that it was N.E.W.T year, after all, and that she couldn't afford to blank out during classes. Still, it was hard not to take her mind off the night before. Although she knew now that she made the right choice about James, she wished that she had handled the whole thing a lot better. A part of her also may have pitied him for his confusion as to why she broke up with him, but her pity was immediately replaced with annoyance. If he had absolutely no idea why she left him, it only proved how arrogant he was, after all.

Furthermore, an occasional I hate Snape would also drift through her thoughts, and then she could only think about his utterly demeaning stares, his pigheadedness that was somewhat different and somewhat worse than James' pomposity, how he reeked of hatred for her only because she was Muggle-born, and his overall unattractiveness. Lily always felt like shuddering whenever his image entered her thoughts. He was disgusting, inside and out.

For about the tenth time since the beginning of Charms, Lily caught herself thinking about all that, and hastily went back to her notes, when a crumpled up piece of parchment landed on her desk. She looked to her right to see Remus anxiously staring back and forth from Flitwick to her to the parchment. Lily quickly put her textbook at the forefront to hide the note and quickly made to open it.

Lily,

Not to be rude, but what in the name of Merlin has been going on! You might try to deny it but your break-up with James came out nowhere and you've been ignoring us for weeks. James is beside himself and (there was something crossed out here) the rest of us have been really worried about you.

Remus

Lily sighed to herself. She knew Remus was stealing glances at her but she made an effort not to look back. It wasn't worth telling him about the bet and more, he wouldn't understand her feelings about James. But when a student's stray charm whizzed by her head, she involuntarily jerked her head in Remus' attention. He looked strained and exhausted and his face was lined with worry. The fact that it was only days till the full moon was also clearly etched in. Lily sighed again and turned the parchment over to write.

Remus,

I'm sorry for the way things have been the last two weeks. Things really just got out of hand since that Quidditch match and my mind's been a mess. To keep it short, I lost a bet to that old tart Abigail and now my punishment is to go out with Snape. To do that obviously I would have to break up with James. But I didn't just break up with James just because of the bet. In fact (and quite ironically), the bet prompted me to do what I've wanted to do for a long time deep down -- oh God no, not the Snape part, if that's what you were thinking -- the break-up part. Anyway, so I ended it with James for other reasons too. Other...pent-up feelings. And I guess I couldn't explain why to James because I couldn't fully realize until later that unconsciously, it was what I wanted. You do understand what I mean, right?

Lily

She nervously looked at Professor Flitwick but he was occupied with Marlene McKinnon who had somehow managed to blow up the warts on Caradoc Dearborn's to the size of baseballs instead of removing them like she was supposed to. James was lazily folding a paper airplane and charming it to hit the back of Peter's head repeatedly. Lily threw the crumpled note back but it missed quite a bit. Well, sports were never her forte anyway. Her heart jumped though when it landed closer to James than Remus. James' eyes moved momentarily from the note to her and made a move to pick it up but Remus (bless him) was quicker and snatched it before James got a chance. James looked slightly confused (and hurt?) but Remus shrugged it off, mouthing, She needs help with a project. Lily watched Remus out of the corner of her eye and saw somewhat amusedly as Remus' eyebrows progressed steadily higher as he read the letter, then slowly relaxed. He scribbled a note back and threw it at her.

I understand. I was just a little suspicious because it wasn't like you to -- no, more importantly -- WHAT! Go out with Snape? But, you couldn't possibly do that! Please tell me you didn't agree to that! Wait, is that why you asked him to be your Potions partner? Lily, why didn't you tell me before?

(By the way, now that I know what's behind the breakup, I really am sorry about you and James.)

She smiled humorlessly. He sounded almost like her bedmates, they were always giggling and gossiping over the newest couples and break ups.

Remus, you know me. I can't stand Snape. I hate him, really I do. I would sooner have partnered up with the Whomping Willow than that miserable git, if I had a choice. He's the meanest, foulest, most arrogant Slytherin that we know. Well, maybe besides Lucius Malfoy. But that's not the point. Do you know how torturous it was for me to resign myself to the fact that I would have to partner with him of all people for the Potions project? That I would actually have to go out with him? That (God forbid) I might have to be in physical contact with him! Believe me, no one knows the pain of this more than I do. But a deal is a deal. I lost the bet and a Gryffindor keeps her word. I'll fake a relationship with him for a while, and then Abigail and her cronies can be in charge of humiliating him. Oh, and his hair is slimy. That's reason enough to never go near him.

But really, thanks for caring, though. I can always count on you for that, and I appreciate it.

Lily chucked the note back at Remus and watched as his face turned from anxious to more anxious to concerned. She must have dazed though because for a moment she imagined that he blushed.

Remus scribbled something quickly and threw the crumpled note back to her.

Anytime, Lily, anytime.

"Come come Ms. Evans, let's see how you've managed so far," Professor Flitwick called out as he walked towards her desk. Lily hurriedly shoved the note into her Charms notebook and thrust it to the side. Now she had to somehow figure out a way to produce a successful wart removal charm without any practice. She closed her eyes and groaned.

~

Warming up to Snape was as slow and futile as trying to warm up a pair of stiff frozen fingers in abusive weather. It rendered all attempts useless. In other words, it was more difficult than Lily thought it would be. And she had a little more than an inkling from the start that it was not going to be a stroll in the park.

Perhaps it might have been easier if she hadn't always been the one to start a forced, painfully awkward, then finally, frustrating conversation. She had not even dared to think that he would be of any help to her. She did not even consider for a moment to wait for him to start any interesting topic that they would toy with pleasantly for a few minutes to pass the time. It was both difficult and somewhat disturbing to picture. The most Snape would ever do was work robotically, fixing his eyes only on the bubbling surface of the potion, or an ingredient he was shelling, peeling, or dicing. He would not even look at his partner when she held a vial of the next ingredient before him, always on cue. Hell, she doubted if she charmed the bleeding thing to her forehead and danced the mambo for him that he would look at her. Then finally, a second away from suffocating from the tension, Lily would blurt out a feebly interesting comment that she knew she would be better off not saying -- only to hear a snide remark which -- if she was in a particularly snarling mood, would swell into a heated, occasionally ongoing argument. It would explain why there were many times when they both labored the entire length of the time in complete silence.

She never remembered experiencing a more excruciating month. She should have known ever since that first encounter when she cornered him down that he would make her life an utter misery.

"Where have you been?" he sneered as Lily walked in ten minutes later than usual. James had stopped her in the hall again, attempting to make her explain everything, but after minutes of trying to run away, Lily finally snapped at him, and the two argued for the umpteenth time. Remus had faithfully not told anyone about the bet and for that she was eternally grateful. It made at least some part of her life a little less complicated. As little as she enjoyed it, she could bear the arguing, but she didn't think she would have been able to endure any of James' fierce attempts to stop her if he found out that breaking up with him and dating his least favorite person in the world was not of her own free will.

"Taking my sweet time," she snapped back. If she were in a less foul mood, she would have noticed that it was the first time Snape had ever spoken to her first. "But I'm sure you didn't miss me while I was gone." She swung her bag from her shoulder and dropped it to the ground.

Snape scowled. "Not at all," he replied. "But you were supposed to bring the lacewings, which I needed to start the base of the dry mixture, otherwise believe me, I couldn't have cared less if you chose to 'take your sweet time' all day."

"First of all, it's 'we needed', not 'I needed'. When will you get it that the words 'partner project' mean both of us?" she snapped back. "And I brought the bloody lacewings." She nearly threw the small bag in his direction. Unfortunately, it missed his head and it landed on the floor instead.

Snape growled. "And now it has probably been rendered useless." But he took the bag anyways and emptied it carefully into a pewter bowl. "Remove any black spots that you see and then grind it," he commanded.

"Yes, your highness," Lily muttered softly. She moved over to the desk to begin the tedious job. "And how come we're making a dry mixture? Doesn't the reference article say that reactive properties of lacewings are most dulled in a slightly moist mixture?" she questioned. She did not bother to take the blatant irritation out of her tone.

Snape gave Lily a disdainful look. "Anyone would know that the Potions Master Digest is a far superior publication than the Potions Weekly, where you must have gotten that useless information. And it clearly states in the September issue of Potions Master Digest that the dry mixture is the one we should be using."

"Yes, but that issue is about ten years old. Most ingredient suppliers these days have interbred the Austrian and Columbian species because it amplifies the reactive properties," she argued back.

"It doesn't matter if either of the species has interbred with a chimera. I've always used a dry mixture and that's what worked best for me," he replied rather haughtily.

Lily chose not to continue the argument because as much as she liked to be one up on Snape, the fact remained that the sooner they both got through this, the sooner they could leave. She combined the ground lacewings with the contents of another bowl and handed the dry mixture to Snape, who promptly proceeded to carefully add a small measured amount into a bubbling cauldron. They both paused and waited for a reaction. Suddenly the liquid started sparking and flaming, and Snape yelped and jumped back in surprise. Lily ran to the supply closet, reached for the container of boomslang and dumped the entire contents into the cauldron. Immediately the liquid calmed and turned into a viscous murky mud-colored solution. They both stood and stared silently at the contents of the cauldron for what seemed like forever. Lily dared to glance at her partner out of the corner of her eye. He wore a peculiar expression. It looked roughly like the usual scowl, except his head was inclined slightly downward, and his shoulders were tensed, as if he was balancing an invisible vial of liquid on each one. Lily felt a smirk creep up the sides of her mouth. If the color of Snape's face were not permanently fixed on the same gray-tinged ivory, she swore it would have been beet red. How she loved being right. Or better yet, how she loved being right when Snape was the one who was wrong.

"I'm wondering if I should say it," Lily said smugly after the long silence. Snape shot her the deadliest glare he could muster.

"Don't even think about it."

They packed up their things and cleaned up the mess created by the botched potion. It was rather difficult scraping it off the cauldron because it had begun to solidify, but thankfully Snape had opted to take care of it. Lily chose to see that as an unconscious penance for refusing to listen to her before. This brightened her mood a bit more. They left the classroom and parted in separate directions.

Making sure that Snape was out of hearing range as she walked down the deserted hallways, she gleefully whispered, "I told you so."

~

Snape hissed a string of bitter curses as he strode into the Slytherin common room. No one in the room reacted to it, however, having been far used to his fluctuating tempers. He scowled at the first-years though, who were still able to be intimidated. He swung his bag across a chair with a particular vehemence and was satisfied to hear his books shriek. He collapsed into the chair across his books and stared at them fiercely as if trying to burn a hole through them. He had heard that wench as he walked back to the Slytherin dormitories. "Mudblood," he murmured lamely. He was too angry to say much else. It was bad enough to breathe in the same filthy air as the likes of her in one room. Being outsmarted by her was a nasty blow to his ego. He began contemplating all the ways he could get back her when a voice interrupted him.

"Hey mate, what's got your wand up in a knot again?" a burly and grinning seventh-year asked him.

Snape relaxed a bit. It was Gunther Cane, one of the few people that he was acquainted with outside of class. Gunther was captain of the Slytherin Quidditch team and occasionally came to ask him for advice about strategies and such.

"Nothing, it's just a stupid Gryffindor," Snape replied, brushing it off. "How goes the prep for Friday's game?" he asked.

"That's actually what I came to talk to you about. Do you think you could look over some of the lineups and tactics for me like you did last time?"

Gunther handed him a piece of parchment filled with many notes, diagrams and scratch-outs. He pointed to one of the moving pictures.

"This part might need a bit more work than the others, see? Seems it's only going to work out if the goalpost area is free save for two or three people, and I need a better way to clear the area."

Snape skimmed through the notes. "I'll look at it."

"Thanks a load. The changes that you made to our approaches really helped us out in the last game. Who knew potions and quidditch strategies were interrelated?"

Snape gave him a withering look. "Who indeed. Because there couldn't possibly be anything I'm mentally capable of besides brewing potions."

Gunther shrugged indifferently. "You are in the dungeons on your spare time."

The two moved onto other topics. At last, late at night after Gunther had left and he had finished up two of his essay assignments, he managed to steal another glance at the parchment that Gunther had left for him. But his eyes were tired and the moving figures on the parchment only made him dizzy. Besides, after the night's experiment fiasco, he wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed. Reluctantly, he put the parchment in his bookbag to analyze later and headed upstairs. He was asleep minutes later, dreaming of bubbling cauldrons, mutated chimeras, and stick figures on flying brooms.