Short a Penny

     Late at night, after the screaming had subsided into whimpers and the silence was a terrible weight on all held prisoner, a low and haunting melody driven by a voice alone wove its way through the inner labyrinth of Azkaban Fortress. It was a voice that knew its pain well, and expressed it clearly in the only reprieve it was allowed.

     A penny can make all the difference

     When the cost of your love is a pound

     And I'm standing here with my ninety-nine pence

     Short a penny, please, don't let me down

     Sirius Black leaned against the cold concrete forming the wall of his cell, feeling the tide of the full moon tug at his heart even as a howl echoed through his mind. That howl would be filled with agony, with the pain of betrayal, and the pain of the tearing that he wasn't there to prevent. That howl was that of the mate he hadn't seen in an eternity, and it tugged firmly at his soul.

     He didn't need the Dementors there in order to drown in his own pain. It was all there for the taking, although without the icy chill that accompanied the presence of the soul-sucking demons that haunted this place. It was just as well, though, since they had long since fed their fill of agony, and had left he and his fellow prisoners to wallow in the pain brought to the surface.

     This song was the only thing musical that remained with its melancholy sadness. The memory of Remus leaning against while he ran his fingers along the strings of his guitar skittered through his mind. He had only just learned enough to make a melody rather than a discordant string of notes when everything had gone to hell, and there was all of a sudden no time for the music, but all the time in the world for the pain.

     In order to keep himself from drowning in the bittersweet tang of the memory, he sent his voice out of that depth of his personal hell, where he imagined that it bounced off the walls and soared out of the fortress to be heard on the outside. Although the reality of the situation kept sliding back to him, there was no way he was probably heard much past his own cell much less past the high security centre of the fortress where he had been spending the past eternity of his life.

     Did I spend it by being the selfish one

     And not playing games in the dark?

     Ignoring your touch and refusing to talk

     Or walking hand in hand in the park?

     He had always been the selfish one between them.

     So often would Remus share anything he had to give with anyone who asked. He gave so freely and so easily, and Sirius had always envied him that. He himself had gained once the sole ownership of the soul of something precious, and had thrown it all away in his own stupidity and his insecurity.

On other nights, the guilt over James and Lil's deaths would overwhelm him and he would sit there in his silence and cry over what he had seen that night in October. It had been so cold, the wind whipping chill around him and when he had turned to Remus, when he had run to his love to find a reprieve of sorts, he had found him missing. It was the full moon that night and he was gone, spending it with another comfortable with his lycanthropy.

     What must he have thought when he heard the news? That the person he had given his heart to so selflessly had taken it, abused it, and used it as a cover to kill the other three of their friends.

     How had things turned so cold between them? When had he stopped fighting against the urge to just fall into silence? Remus kept trying to talk to him, stumbling over the uncomfortable silences and the fears, and the relearning of each other without the bond between them. Oh, the bond had made things so easily, and they had come to depend on it, only to find it gone in the hour they needed it most.

     The questions swirled around him, taking on a life of their own as a trail of tears wove their way down the map of his face, aged far too young by what he had seen, what he had been accused of, and what he faced day after endless day, with nothing but the pain and the sorrow to look forward to.

     When had it turned away from the gentleness, from the walks in the park that had led them to the discovery of this song, and the playfulness they had always had around each other? Like children, they were - the perpetual teenagers in an age that forced people to grow up too fast. They were each other's safety in the storm that had conquered the wizarding world before they had even graduated from school; children, and yet, never given the chance to be more than that by sheer circumstance.

     The words tumbled in a flood from his mouth, as the song took its hold upon him, pulling him deeper into his own despair as he followed allowing willingly. He deserved this, after all. After what he had done, he deserved so much more than endless pain, but that was the best they could find to do with him, and so he must continue on.

     On until he could set things right once again, and come clean with the truth of what had happened that night.

     The sale this week was on jealousy

     I queued and I bought the whole lot

     First the cash, then the credit cards paid for it

     But the penny in change I forgot

     He had never been able to keep his jealousy in check when it came to Remus Lupin.

     It had started fifth year with Severus Snape and the Whomping Willow. Oh, yes, there had been anger; so much anger over what he had implied he was going to do, but there was jealousy that was lost in the mix as well. That he would dare to even lay a hand on *his* Remus had sent the blood boiling, leading to the loss of control.

     He had never considered it when he was begging his Remus for forgiveness, but oh, it was there. Thick, heady, and dark.

     Time and again over the years, even after he had been forgiven for doing that, he had found himself in the grips of that awful jealousy. When Remus was leaning close to Lily in school, there was a twinge of it that he shrugged off. It was worse when it was James and before he and Lily got married. After they married, it settled into nothing, but it was like a fire inflaming his insecurity.

     Oh, but he hid it so well. That insecurity. Or so he would think until with a glance, the slightest lowering of eyelashes over those eyes, Remus would let him know that he knew what he had been feeling and he would turn the colour of his Quidditch robes.

     The jealousy had caught aflame in that final month when Remus was doing anything, going anywhere just so he wouldn't have to be in the same flat with him and that silence. He constantly wanted to know where he was, who he was with, secretly suspecting the entire time that he was meeting with someone else and the agony of it nearly tore him apart from the inside.

     Someone working with Voldemort, who was trying to seduce his Remus over to the dark side. The fear that they had succeeded. The guilt, oh, the guilt because he should have trusted more, and known that Remus would never get involved with something of the sort. His soul shrieked that this was his mate, that he should have known better, should have trusted.

     The should-haves running through his mind were going to destroy him.

     He, Sirius Black, was only a mortal human wizard and only knew that it was one among them that was after James and the fear had destroyed them. Had the connection between them been gone before the fear set in? He couldn't remember anymore which came first - the disappearing bond or the fear.

     It was probably the bond, else there would have been no need of the fear, but too many days and nights in this forsaken prison had melted the lines between them until he could no longer tell which had come first.

     Remember when you were the one who spent

     A fortune on long shopping sprees?

     It was I who forgave now I'm asking

     You to lend back the penny I need

     He had no hope, no hope at all that Remus would ever be able to forgive him for what he had done.

     As the words of the last and final verse that he could recall tore from his lips, he remembered how much Remus loved the shopping process and the light in his eyes as he talked and planned about the things they could do. In those days, their innocence was as of yet untainted and they still had the entire world spread out in front of them.

     That last warm summer at Bella's melted over them, where they spent as much time in the bed, wrapped up in each other as they did in her company, learning extra defenses. The trip to Diagon Alley, where Sirius had lost track of Remus in Flourish and Blotts and had returned to find that he had nearly bought half of the store, as he had later teased him.

     It had been worth it, to see the laughter and the dancing amber eyes. It was such a beautiful thing that it hurt to remember and yet was safe to remember this thing, this beautiful thing. Because during these late hours, they couldn't steal it away from you, twist it, shift it onto another memory that tore you from the inside out, and froze you in your own pain.

     It was safe like it had been safe that night in Gryffindor Tower fifth year, when everyone else was up in the dorms and he and Remus had been left alone down in the common room. Remus had fallen asleep against him and Sirius had found himself watching his new love with a fascination and a precious emotion had spread through him as he watched, realising that he would die for this fey creature that had called himself "his own" and without any regrets save one: that he would have no more time with him.

     Sirius tucked the memory away like a precious treasure as the song wound itself to a close, leaving his voice a hoarse semblance of what it once was. Then he remembered why he knew there was no hope for Remus ever forgiving him, and openly cried himself into dream.

     It had been Remus' voice tearing through him, awakening him, telling him in a calm, angry voice he knew all too well, telling him, "Damn you, Sirius. Damn you for all you've done."

     There was no forgiveness in that voice, and there would never be. So that left him here, lost in this painful limbo that was Azkaban.