My Own Company

Lately, I'm doing what I care to pleasure me

I've finally turned to focus all the vanity

I'm satisfied with my own company

I told myself I wouldn't get angry with you, Padfoot. Once again, you have left me on my own, betrayed my trust, our trust, to follow your instinct.

Was it worth it, Sirius? Was your life, our life, worth losing? No matter, though. I've lived without you before, I can do it again. Of course, it's very likely that I'll lose my sanity, my credibility, my soul, but I can deal with that. I dealt with it before.

I thought you'd changed in there, Padfoot. Good God, I changed, and I didn't have Dementors breathing down my neck every five seconds. And then you rediscover your old recklessness, and die in the process.

I don't, I can't, I...

'Cos I'm holding my own

Give or take a tear or two

I'm holding my own

No matter what I put myself through

I'm holding my own

I can't dwell on that, Sirius. I can't dwell on you. You see, Padfoot, I love you. Or rather, I loved you. And you left me. And that kills me, Padfoot. Or rather, it killed me. I can't allow myself to die for you anymore, to wallow in misery. Harry's doing that for both of us. Mad-Eye's talked to him a lot, lately, you know. I get the feeling he's quite fond of the boy, if you can imagine that.

I know you loved him too. I know, Sirius. And I suppose I understand, almost, why you did it. You couldn't let him die. You wouldn't let him leave us.

But now you've left me, Padfoot. And I know it's selfish. Of course I do. But I've always been selfish when it comes to you. I remember, last time, that Dumbledore was very stern with me. But it won't happen like that this time, dear Padfoot.

You see, you've left me again, Padfoot. And I can't let myself love you anymore.

No one to answer to

I won't spend another lifetime begging you

Tonks wants me to come out with her tonight. And, do you know, Padfoot, I think I'll go.

I'm sure I'll be fine soon. I'll forget that we even existed. I'll forget the way you touched me, your fingers embedded in my skin. I'll even forget your face, and I'll be happy about that.

I think it's better this way, my darling Sirius; if I just remember you as a sensation, a feeling of love and warmth and acceptance that I was never expecting and never let myself rely on.

I didn't need you.

Honey, I would rather do without

I love you I love you I love you.

I don't need you now. As though I would ever dare to rely on you; you who couldn't be trusted an inch, you who exposed me to Severus, you who left me, and then left me again. I never needed you. Why do you think I needed you?

I'm going out. And I'll be fine. I'll be fine.

'Cos I'm holding my own

Give or take a tear or two

I'm holding my own

No matter what I put myself through

I'm holding my own

Tonks sometimes looks a bit like you, you know. I think it's her eyes. Or perhaps her lips. The way she smiles, sometimes, tilting her chin, just so. When she does that I think of you, even when I'm trying to think about how much I don't miss you. I think of you, and there you are: sitting opposite me, grinning, just like you used to when James started lusting after Lily; or you're looking lost, just like you used to when we first touched each other after you came back from Azkaban.

Do you remember, Sirius? I opened my front door, and there you were. Lying low, you said, and touched my hand. I felt your fingers stretch right through me. You stretched through my bones until I ached, into my veins until I fell back into you; bones to bones, veins to veins, lips to lips, eyes reflected in mine. I'll never see that again.

But don't worry about me, Padfoot. Why would you?

Tonks worries about me. Alastor worries about me. But you? Why would you worry?

I hate you, Sirius, I hate you, I hate you. I can't love you. Do you understand that? Do you? Why did you go, you...

Why, Sirius?

Why did you have to provoke Bella?

Did it matter?

Didn't I matter more?

Do you remember when we were sitting together on the old sofa, alone apart from the house and its living features, and you told me you were so terrified of going to sleep? You told me you wouldn't close your eyes for one moment, Padfoot, in case anything happened to Harry. Or to me, you amended, and your touch burnt my lungs. When did that change? Why did you decide it would be better to die for the people you loved? I don't understand why you did this, my Sirius. Only, I suppose you're not mine anymore. I can conclude from the way you left that you never were. I'm so angry now, Sirius, that I almost forget to hurt.

I'm alone without you, Padfoot.

There's a spring in my stride

There's a twinkle in my dying eyes

But I'll go out with Tonks, and I'll smile, and laugh. Dumbledore won't need to talk to me this time. He won't need to take pity on me and offer me employment. I know, of course, what he was trying to do. I don't need anyone's pity.

I won't die without you, Sirius.

I want to, sometimes. But I won't. I don't love you anymore, and I won't die because you left me.

I don't need your permission

I'll take this matter in my own two hands

Goodbye, Padfoot.