The Mating Game

Chapter Four

Letters

How do you go about offering marriage to someone you haven’t seen in over a year? After much thought, Hermione decided to send a letter. Several hours and twelve drafts later, she had reduced her ideas to a brief and to-the-point missive.

***

2 August 2000

Professor Snape,

Unless I have misjudged your character, you were as alarmed by the Minister’s new reproduction law as I was. If you would like to take the easy way out, I may have a solution.

Owl me if you are interested.

Sincerely yours,

Hermione Granger

***

3 August 2000

Dear Prospective Marriage Partner #57,

In order to evaluate his prospects better, Professor Severus Snape hereby requests that you send the answers to the following before 10 August 2000:

1. What is your philosophy of child raising?

2. What is your financial status?

3. What do you want out of this marriage, other than children?

4. Why are you considering me as a potential mate?

Professor Snape also would like you to know that he intends to continue his teaching career at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Potential partners will therefore be willing to live on the Hogwarts grounds or in Hogsmeade village.

Peggy the house elf

For Professor Severus Snape

***

4 August 2000

Professor Snape:

All right, here are the answers to the bloody essay questions you assigned.

1. Each child, whether male or female, needs two parents involved in their lives. I believe that children should get plenty of attention from their parents. I’m a firm believer in attachment parenting. My children will not be placed in day care, ever. With a few exceptions, they will either be cared for by their mother, their father, or both.
2. My financial status is almost as good as yours. You got an Order of Merlin First Class and I only got Second Class. So what. I could live a life of leisure if I wanted. I am not marrying you for your money, okay?
3. What do I want from this marriage, other than children? Nothing, really. As far as I am concerned, this would be a marriage of convenience. Once the children are grown, I don’t care if I ever see you again. Does that hurt your ego?
4. I picked you after an in-depth analysis of the available candidates. I verified my conclusion of your suitability with arithmantic equations.

Annoyingly yours,

Hermione Granger

***

11 August 2000

Dear Miss Granger:

Although I found you marginally annoying while you were a student, I have always considered you to be intelligent and well endowed with common sense.

While the answers to your questions were less than polite, they were nevertheless mildly refreshing after the inanities I received from the other ninety-three candidates.

If you would lower yourself enough to meet me for lunch at noon on Saturday the sixteenth of August, I would be most obliged. I shall await you at the Leaky Cauldron. If that establishment is not to your liking, we may decide on a different location at that time.

Just as Annoyingly Yours,

Severus Snape