Songfic Series - Wonderful Life

Songfic Series - Wonderful Life

I close the front-door of my small, suburban home softly and walk carefully down the gravel path. The soles of my shoes make crunchy noises each time I lift my foot and put it back down again. The noise reminds me of the many dirt tracks I wandered along in my life and I really don't want to think about that.

The gravel path turns into large, grey side-walk tiles as I leave my front yard. They remind me of the grey skies above Hogwarts those last days we were there and it's better, but still not what I want to think about at all. I really don't want to think about anything, but everything makes me think about something.

I sigh and wince at the pain that the air flowing too quickly in and out of my lungs causes. I'm an old man and the change takes more and more out of me every time it happens. I'll probably die before I complete it one of these days. I frown at the image. Half man, half werewolf, body twisted in on itself in pain. Cold, unseeing eyes. God, I hope I die before my eyes turn yellow.

It's only a short walk from my home to the seaside and the weather is wonderful, but it's still an effort for me. Yes, I'm an old man. Not by years, not really, but in mind and body, I am. And I'm tired. God, I'm tired.

I slowly make my way to the seashore, gulls gawking and flying overhead, and I stand and stare out over the ever moving grey waters. And I wonder what would've happened, what could've been if you hadn't died. What we could've done, would've become.

Here I go out to sea again
The sunshine fills my hair
And dreams hang in the air
Gulls in the sky and in my blue eyes

Because in this world I have no place. Harry won and Muggles and Wizards talked and now everything is great, sort of. Magic is openly practiced. We wizards are still living in our own communities and still have our own schools and government, but we work together with the Muggles now, we talk. And really, the worst of the prejudices and fears are gone and the rest is going. Slowly but surely, we're learning to live side-by-side peacefully and without fear of each other.

And here I am, walking to sea every day, trying to grasp it all, trying to find my place in this new, strange world. And I have never felt more like I don't belong. Because now that everything else is perfect, now that the sun is shining and people are finally laughing again, you're not here. And it's just so unfair.

You know it feels unfair
There's magic everywhere
Look at me standing
Here on my own again
Up straight in the sunshine

I don't want to laugh like them. I remember too much to ever laugh again, I think. Dumbledore died, Snape died, so many people died. You died and I never want to laugh again. But I can't cry either 'cause everything is perfect and no one understands.

No need to run and hide
It's a wonderful wonderful life
No need to laugh and cry
It's a wonderful wonderful life

The sun's in your eyes
The heat is in your hair

Because if you're not here the sun doesn't shine. If you're not here, nothing really matters to me. I feel only cold inside and I'm so tired, Sirius. I'm so tired.

And unbidden and unwanted, because I really don't want to remember anymore, your words come back to me. Those words you said to me when you found out I was a werewolf. After Peter, James and Lilly had listened to my explanation and comforted me and told me it was okay, they went, but you stayed. And I remember the words you spoke to me Sirius, because that's when I realized that you understood, when no one else really did. "It won't matter what you do, no matter how good a life you lead, how many people you save, they will still hate you. They will hate you merely for living. They will keep trying to kill you forever and I'm not going to let them," you told me, right before you wrapped me in your arms and stayed until I had fallen asleep.

They seem to hate you
Because you're there

And you were right, Sirius. Everything is perfect, but they still hate me, still fear me. They still don't understand and I need you here, Sirius. After all these years I still need you here, because you were the only one who understood. But more than that, you were the only one who truly accepted me the way I was.

Everybody else always distinguished between Remus and the wolf, but you didn't. You always saw them as one and the same person, even before I saw that. And you didn't care. You were my friend anyway and I still can't express how happy that made me.

Yes, I had one true friend and now you're gone. You have been gone for years and look at me. Even Harry has moved on, but I still come here every day and wonder about what might've been. Alone.

And I need a friend
Oh I need a friend to make me happy
Not stand here on my own
Look at me standing
Here on my own again
Up straight in the sunshine

I can do that now you know, walk around like everybody else. Even right after my transformation. They still hate and fear me yes, but they can't kill me anymore. I don't have to hide anymore, don't have to run as soon as people find out what I am. They're still scared, yes, but some of them also accept me.

Because magic is accepted in this new world and I'm part of that world. So I should be happy really. Because I finally got what I've wanted all my life: I get to live like normal people and I don't have to hide what I am anymore.

But I'm not happy. Because you're not here, Sirius, and it all doesn't matter anymore. It's all cold and painful to me now, but it doesn't matter, because I'm cold to. And tired. So tired.

No need to run and hide
It's a wonderful wonderful life
No need to laugh and cry
It's a wonderful wonderful life

I really need you here, Sirius. You shouldn't have left me, you really shouldn't have. I need you to show me how to have fun, how to enjoy things. How to get this great, grey cloud out of my head.

But you're not here. It's just me, standing here, looking out over sea. Harry comes to visit me every now and then, you know. And Hermione and Ron of course. Minerva checks up on me. And I check up on Tonks once a week. She's in St. Mungoo's, she doesn't remember me, she doesn't remember anything. The doctor says her mind's not with us anymore.

But I'm still here. I see the sea, I hear the gulls and I feel the sun. I'm still here, but you're not.

I need a friend
Oh I need a friend
To make me happy
Not so alone
Look at me standing
Here on my own again
Up straight in the sunshine

And so life, though great, is hollow, meaningless. I watch Harry laugh and have fun with his friends, but I can't participate. I see Molly cry for the loss of her eldest son and only daughter, but I can't feel for her. I'm hollow and empty.

No need to run and hide
It's a wonderful wonderful life
No need to laugh and cry
It's a wonderful wonderful life
No need to run and hide
It's a wonderful wonderful life
No need to laugh and cry
It's a wonderful wonderful life

I turn around slowly and take in the long stretch of sand that is the beach. The sun is still shining brightly, but the beach is empty. I smile wryly as I look at the undisturbed sand around me. There's only one pair of footprints here: mine. But sure, life is wonderful.

Wonderful life
Wonderful life

Wonderful Life - Black