Backstory

Lily gave the cauldron a final stir and sat back, leaning on one elbow in the grass. It had definitely been worth it, moving their Potions supplies out here onto the grounds. The spring weather was beautiful and the grounds quiet; O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s were in full swing, so most students were studying in the library or their common rooms. Lily, her studying under control, had volunteered to brew a Draught of Peace for the girls in her dormitory--as much for her own sanity as theirs, though they didn't know that. As she watched her Potions partner working silently, his brow furrowed in concentration, it occurred to her that he could use some as well. He'd seemed on edge for the past few weeks. Of course, anyone who suggested something like that to him would risk becoming the test subject of an experimental hex.

But hey, what was life without a little risk?

"You know what your problem is, Severus?"

He glanced up in surprise, then returned his attention to crushing the pile of dead beetles in front of him. "I wasn't aware that I had a problem."

"You take life too seriously."

"Is that what you think?" Severus tipped a handful of beetles into the cauldron and watched a puff of thick smoke emerge and dissipate. "Well, I don't," he continued, opening his Advanced Potion-Making textbook and making a note in the margin. "Life is a serious thing. You only get one chance at it."

"Exactly," Lily said. "You ought to enjoy it while it lasts. What color has this turned?" She peered down through the smoke over the cauldron. "Is it supposed to be so dark?"

Severus put aside Advanced Potion-Making, consulted the fifth-year textbook, and let out a loud expletive. "We should have added the beetles one at a time."

"Okay, that's not so bad. I think we can fix that by stirring it up before it settles." Lily immediately suited actions to words, and the potion resumed its appropriate color. Lily smiled triumphantly. "See? Put that in your book. Lily Evans has discovered a clever shortcut for brewing Draught of Peace."

"Very clever," Severus grumbled good-naturedly, scribbling in his book again. "And so modest as well. Remind me again why I agreed to help you with this."

"For the pleasure of my company, of course," Lily responded cheerfully. "And because you know you can't sit back and let someone else brew a potion without making sure it's done right. And so you can plagiarize my shortcut methods."

"Excuse me! Whose idea was it to use syrup of hellebore instead of the whole root?"

"All right, all right, you have your uses too. I'm joking!" she added quickly. "You know, that's what I mean about taking things too seriously. You need to laugh more. It won't kill you to have some harmless fun."

"I laugh," Severus argued. "I laughed yesterday when Black's brother Regulus Transfigured him into a hat stand outside the library. It wasn't a bad bit of Transfiguration, for a fourth year. Pity he could still talk."

"I did say harmless fun." Lily sighed, suppressing a smile. She could just imagine Black as a talking hat stand. "Fine, that's a start."

"What more do you want?"

He really was letting her get away with murder today. It would be such a shame not to take advantage of this unusual tolerance.

"Well...being able to laugh at yourself, for instance. It's a useful skill. Now, if I were to--Rictusempra!"

The spell caught Severus off guard, knocking him down. He convulsed with laughter, and Lily was just congratulating herself on a well-cast Tickling Charm, when she was suddenly swung into the air by one ankle.

Severus sat up and brushed the grass from his robe. "The last person who hexed me ended up in the hospital wing," he smirked. "I'm not sure I can afford to go about making exceptions."

Lily blessed the luck that had kept her from dropping her wand and Summoned Severus' Advanced Potions Making book. "You might want to reconsider," she called down at him, waving the book over her head--or under it, considering her current position. "We wouldn't want me to harm the hostage."

Severus gave an indignant yelp and let her fall. The book slipped from her hands in response to his nonverbal spell, but as he had yet to master the technique, the charm petered out and the book landed on the grass between them. Lily stuck with the verbal form.

"Accio wand!"

Still focused on the book, Severus lost his grip on his wand. Lily caught it and stood up, a wand in each hand. "Oh? What now, my defense-expert friend?"

For the space of a blink, they stared at each other. Then Severus lunged, physically tackling Lily and knocking them both over. After a brief tussle, he managed to recover his wand and pin Lily's right arm against the ground, rendering her wand useless.

"Cheater," she grunted. "I had you beat."

"Gryffindor," Severus countered, tapping the top of her head with his wand.

"Touché. I'd forgotten cheating is part of your nature. You can't help it."

"And that, my dear, is why I will always win. Why should I want to help it, hmm?"

He was kneeling on her left, leaning sideways over her, supported by the arm that held down her right wrist. Their heads were very close together. Lily suddenly felt rather self-conscious.

"This Gryffindor non-cheater would like to sit up now, if you don't mind," she murmured.

Severus rocked back on his heels, giving her space. He didn't say anything. He just watched her brush herself off, stand up, and examine the potion again. When she turned around, pronouncing it done, he was standing in the same spot. Watching her. He seemed to be thinking hard.

"Hey, are you okay?" His stare was becoming unnerving. Lily flapped a hand in front of his face. "Hey, Prince, wake up. Is something wrong?"

Severus shook his head slightly. "No, I'm fine. Just fine. Lily..."

"What?"

"Never mind."

They set to cleaning up their work site in companionable silence. Lily divided the potion into several flasks she'd brought with her, but as this involved removing the smaller ones from inside the larger, she found that they were now much harder to fit into her bag.

"Let me help with those," Severus offered, pulling the bag open and setting a Stretching Charm on the fabric, so the remaining flasks fit easily. "That will get you back to your dormitory."

"Too bad shrinking a potion has such unpredictable effects. I could do without the extra weight on the stairs." She was waiting for him to let go of her bag. "I'll see you tomorrow after Defense, right?" Still waiting. If anything, he held on tighter, looking at her now with something akin to anxiety in his face. Lily found the expression strangely endearing; it meant he wasn't afraid to show vulnerability in front of her.

"Lily," he mumbled finally, "there's something I've... been meaning to tell you..."

Then she put it all together: the recent awkwardness, the staring, the way he'd been distracted and messed up the potion, even his offer to help her when he still had O.W.L.'s to study for. She'd been more than half joking when she'd said it was for the pleasure of her company. He hadn't been amused at all. What was she going to do now?

Severus was standing right in front of her with that sweet earnest expression she was sure he'd never shown anyone else, and she hesitated. She knew what it must have cost him to set aside his pride and take such a risk. This was happening too fast. It was a simple question, wasn't it? Do you like him or don't you? She liked Severus. He was a good companion, witty conversationalist, sparring partner, friend. And he would be devastated if she so lightly dismissed his emotions after he'd gone through the trouble of expressing them. Was that a good enough reason? As they stood there he reached out very slowly, hesitantly, and touched her cheek with one hand. It felt kind of nice, actually. She'd never thought of Severus as gentle, but he was now, and it wasn't helping her think at all. Oh, he was going to kiss her. Did she or didn't she? She let him cup his hand under her chin and tilt it back, and--no, it wasn't right. She liked Severus, but he didn't mean that to her.

"No--wait." Lily ducked her head. "Wait."

Severus jerked his hand away as if he'd burnt it and took several steps back. Lily caught a split-second glimpse of his expression changing to one of pain and betrayal, before the shutters came down behind his eyes and his face showed nothing at all.

"You could have said something earlier," he reproached, still backing away.

"I didn't know. I thought--wait, Severus, let's talk about this--"

"You've said all you need. And I've said too much." He finished collecting his books and headed for the castle at a quick walk. Lily went after him.

"Hold up, Severus, I didn't mean--" she stopped when she saw him break into a run. Following wouldn't do any good right now. Knowing Severus, he would be absolutely mortified. She'd done the right thing in not giving him false hope, hadn't she?

After a moment's consideration, Lily shook her head and started back to the castle by a different path. There wasn't anything she could do without making matters worse. Maybe he just needed some time alone. After all, it wasn't as if anything horrible or irrevocable had happened. They were still friends, weren't they? She didn't think any less of him. She'd talk to him tomorrow, after their Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L.

* * * *

Severus stumbled through the corridors towards his common room, head bent, determined to avoid all eye contact and not stop for anything. He could imagine every student's gaze on him, judging, as if one look could reveal what he'd just done. Idiot. Idiot. Had he thought he stood a chance?

Occlumens. The word was useless, not a spell at all, but he used it often to practice, as a way to help him focus. Today it only mocked his scattered thoughts and rampant emotions. Occlumens. He couldn't do it. He felt humiliated and betrayed and rejected and on top of it all, he'd lost control of his own thoughts. He tried to banish the memory of her face, hair, her brilliant laugh, and then the way she shrank from his kiss... he couldn't do it. Tease. She'd lulled him into thinking it was safe, admitting his secrets to himself and to her. Never do that again. Never let down your guard. Occlumens!

He burst into the Slytherin common room and shot a murderous glare at its only inhabitant, that barmy second-year, Crouch. Crouch nearly tripped over his own feet in his haste to leave.

Sectumsempra!

The now-empty chair split its upholstery, spilling stuffing onto the floor. That felt better. Severus sank into the torn seat. Gradually he reigned in his emotions and compartmentalized them, forcing them into dark corners of his mind where he wouldn't have to deal with them. Never give in to emotions. See where it gets you. He'd known that, and he'd been fool enough to forget it. And he'd paid.

He could think more clearly now. He could see how wrong he'd been to trust her with something this personal. How he felt was irrelevant; he should have realized it wasn't worth the risk of making such an utter fool of himself. No, he should have known better than to feel it in the first place. She didn't need him. She had everything: intelligence, wit, beauty, popularity; she was being polite, showing him kindness, and he'd gotten it wrong and thought maybe...

No. He'd learned his lesson this time, for sure. So she didn't need him. He didn't need her, either. Severus Snape didn't need anyone, much less some Muggle-born girl, some fickle, shallow Gryffindor Mudblood--