Hold On

Disclaimer: Song lyrics are by the band "Kansas," and I'm not trying to take credit for them either.

"Hold on. What's that noise?" Harry turned in a wary circle, wand out. Knockturn Alley appeared deserted.

"I knew we'd stayed here too long," Hermione fretted, raising her own wand. "We should have left as soon as the sun went down, we could've come back tomorrow to look--"

"Shut up, I'm trying to listen," Harry said sharply. "And I told you not to follow me, so it's your own fault you're here."

Ron and Hermione exchanged weary looks. Harry ignored them. He could see movement in the shadows, there at the corner...

"Harry, maybe we should--" Ron fell silent at a dismissive gesture from Harry, whose attention was focused on the shadowy figure. He approached a few steps, cautiously, and the figure moved away. He was in pursuit before he could stop to think about it-- catching up--the figure straightened and turned to face him--

Harry skidded to a halt, wand pointed directly at the traitor Severus Snape.

At once, the sight of that hated face unleashed a torrent of fury such as Harry had never known; all his rage over Dumbledore's murder as raw as the day it had happened, frustration over his fruitless search, hunger for revenge and seven years of carefully nurtured hatred for the man before him collided as he screamed out the first spell that came to mind--

"Crucio!"

Even before the jet of light made contact he was bracing himself for the counterattack, readying another spell to let fly as soon as Snape regained his balance--

Snape collapsed in the street with an inhuman scream.

Harry watched with an odd mixture of detachment and fascination as his enemy twisted and writhed at his feet, letting out a sort of choking moan and then another scream. And another. He realized his wand was pointed down at Snape but his hand was shaking and there was a voice in the background shrieking "Harry, stop it! Stop it! Harry, no, stop!" Someone grabbed his arm. He wrenched it away, but some part of his mind finally registered shock and he reeled back, breaking off the curse. I used an Unforgivable. I used an Unforgivable. Snape raised his head, panting heavily, but Harry barely noticed. I used an Unforgivable Curse. Still panicking slightly, the only thing he could think of to do was Disapparate for the safety of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place.

You have to really want to cause pain--to enjoy it--Bellatrix Lestrange's words rang in Harry's ears as he stood in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place, elbows leaning on the table and hands pressed against his face.

Look in the mirror and tell me
Just what you see...

I wouldn't look, he thought to himself. If I had the Mirror of Erised in front of me, I wouldn't want to see my own face just now. Why had he tried that curse, when he'd never been able to cast it before? Why would he ever want to use an Unforgivable Curse? And why had it worked?

What have the years of your life
Taught you to be?

Ron and Hermione said he'd been acting different, lately. Shorter temper. Less forgiving. Less open to suggestions. They disagreed with a lot of his recent decisions. He'd seen it as focus, and wasn't focus what he needed? But it wasn't focus that fueled a Cruciatus Curse. It was a complete absence of human compassion.

Innocence dying in so many ways
Things that you dream of are lost
Lost in the haze...

Dumbledore had always said his compassion, his love, was his greatest strength. He'd lost track of that, somehow, in the past year. He'd let himself be caught up in the struggle, to the point where nothing mattered but victory at any cost. Now what? What else can I do?

Hold on, baby, hold on
'Cause it's closer than you think
And you're standing on the brink
Hold on, baby, hold on
'Cause there's something on the way
Your tomorrow's not the same as today...

If he kept on as he was going, he would wind up as an equal to Voldemort, but in all the wrong ways. He had crossed some invisible line, back there in Knockturn Alley. He only hoped he could cross back. But how?

A soft noise behind him heralded the arrival of Ron and Hermione. Of course, they would have figured out where he'd gone.

Don't you recall what you felt
When you weren't alone?

It was for their own good! They shouldn't be risking themselves like that; this wasn't their fight! Ginny, too. He hadn't wanted to leave any of them behind, but he couldn't let that stop him from doing all he could to keep them from following.

Someone who stood by your side
A face you have known...

He missed Ginny, though, more than he wanted to admit. And Ron and Hermione, who knew him better, would not be shaken off. He couldn't deny that he had been glad of their presence on several occasions, even though he hadn't thanked them properly. In a long time.

Where do you run when it's too much to bear?
Who do you turn to in need
When nobody's there?

"I need help."

Hold on, baby, hold on

'Cause it's closer than you think

And you're standing on the brink

Hold on, baby, hold on

'Cause there's something on the way

Your tomorrow's not the same as today...

He felt a light touch on his shoulder. Ginny's wide brown eyes looked back into his, full of concern. Ron touched his other shoulder. Hermione put a hand on his arm. "We can help you."