Inevitable

Chapter Twenty-Three

Forgive and Remember

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me - Charles William Stubbs

The weight of Lily's head must have increased tenfold in the past five minutes. Where she had been happy and excited about the day ahead, she was now miserable, her head resting on her arms on the table. It was so heavy. It was so full of thoughts and worries. It was so full of what-ifs and how-comes and not-fairs.

Lene was crying. The papers were at her feet and she cried into her hands, muttering softly about James and Sirius, and how they had made her find out through the paper.

Breakfast was not eaten that day. Lene owled her Head of Department and told them she had a family emergency. Lily had picked up a quill when Lene shoved it in her direction, but she couldn't lift her head to write. She couldn't stop crying. So Lene wrote it for her, sent both letters off with Isabelle, then went to her room.

Lily couldn't get up. Her head was so heavy.

It was so unfair! How was it that they were killed, why did they deserve to die? She couldn't imagine how much it would hurt if her parents died, if her mum and dad had been the ones murdered.

Why?

How could this happen?

Why would this happen?

What was she supposed to do now?

What was she supposed to say to James?

Her head gained another few pounds, if that was possible.

Tears continued to fall out of her eyes and down her face, splashing on the Daily Prophet under her chin and blurring the ink.

There must be something for her to do. Something. Anything. There was - there must be; she just had to think of it. Oh, but her head hurt too much to think. Far too much to do anything but cry.

*

"You have to come with me Lil. You have to."

She stared firmly at the ground and avoided eye contact with her best friend. "I'm not going," she said quietly. "I can't."

"You have to come. James would want you to come."

There was no way that Lily was going to that funeral. No way in hell. It had not escaped her notice that she had stolen Lene's crown for Queen of Denial, but she still wasn't going. She didn't love James, she wasn't that upset, she wasn't talking about it, and she wasn't going. So there.

"Lily, you have to come with me. You - I - He'll need everyone there," she said finally.

"Lene, I can't go. I won't go." She paused. "He doesn't want me there."

"I do. So does he." Lene sounded very calm. She was deep in her denial phase, although she could still comprehend why she was going to a funeral, unlike certain other people who were telling themselves that they didn't care in the least.

"Go without me. Maybe I'll come later."

"Promise you'll come?"

Lily sighed. "Promise."

Lene sighed, gave a small, sad nod, and left.

Lily sunk down into a chair and closed her eyes tightly. She had royally fucked up. James' parents were dead. She had basically told him that she didn't want to be there for him anymore. That she didn't want him there for her. His parents were dead. His family. Sirius' family. And Merlin, how he must hate her at that moment. She was too spineless to even go to the funeral and tell him she was sorry. She was too much of a coward to tell him she was wrong. And now it had blown up in her face, and she couldn't face him, and Merlin she was going to start crying again.

And she did.

Lily sat there and cried for the people she had only met once, for the people that meant so much to James and Sirius. She cried for herself, for her fear, for everyone that had ever lost someone to Voldemort. She cried for James. She cried for Sirius. She cried for Lene, who Lily knew was at that moment telling herself that it didn't hurt. She cried and cried until she ran out of tears, and then she cried some more, the dry sobs shaking her whole body. She cried herself to sleep.

When Lily awoke, she was still alone. Twilight filtered through the windows, illuminating the room in a grey, tranquil light. She closed her eyes again and cursed herself mentally. The funeral was most certainly over; people would be going home in the next hour or so. She had promised Lene that she would go, and she had gone and fallen asleep.

Slowly, almost drunkenly, Lily went to her room and changed into a black dress, only half aware of what she was doing. She stopped and, for nearly ten minutes, stood staring at a necklace in her jewellery box. A star pendant with a diamond. She just stared, thinking and not thinking at all, all at once. Her mind was mostly filled with the various things she could say to James, if she saw him.

I should tell him I'm sorry. I should tell him I love him - no not that! Okay... I have to leave us out of it. I wouldn't want to talk about that. Oh, this had to happen, didn't it? This is so horrible, and he'll be so upset and they were so nice and...

Lily was forced to pause again as she sat on her bed and let the salty tears fall down her cheeks, the necklace now gripped in her fist. She hadn't worn it in months - far before any problems began. Her eyes were already swollen and bloodshot, her cheeks already streaked with old tears. Drips fell down on her dress, leaving spots, but Lily was beyond caring. It hurt so much, and she was too scared to do anything about it.

You promised Lene, said a little voice in her head.

"I know," she whispered.

So go for Lene. She wants you there with her. She wants you to be there.

Lily winced. Her brain was making all too much sense. But Lene would understand. Lene would know that it hurt too much to go.

You promised someone else too, said that voice. Remember? You promised that you'd always be there for him, and now you're breaking it. Lene would understand, but he won't. He won't understand why you're breaking your promise.

Closing her eyes tightly, and hastily wiping a hand across her face, she stood and clumsily clasped the necklace around her neck, very unsure of whether or not it was a good decision. She could break a promise to Lene, who would understand in these circumstances, but not to James. It was an old promise, but it held, especially now. Especially when he would need it to hold. Out in the hall, she made her way quickly to the Apparation point, before she could change her mind, and was gone.

Appearing instantly, she was just in time to join a group of people outside the Potter's house, at the reception. There were many people she recognised and many she did not;the Potters had had a lot of friends. There were also many people she knew from Hogwarts, there were a few dozen she knew by sight as having left Hogwarts several years previously, and were most likely there to support James, who in their eyes was still the popular jock from school. Marlene was nowhere to be seen. Nor was Peter, Sirius, James, nor -

"Remus!" she called softly, and pushed through a line of people to reach him.

"Lily?" He looked genuinely confused to see her there. Lily did not fail to notice that he looked very strained and tired. "Does Prongs know you're here?"

Surprised at this sudden question, she took a small step back. "No. I'm really sorry that I'm late."

He nodded, and turned to face something off on the right. "You missed the funeral and the burial," he said slowly. "Mostly we're just waiting for everyone to leave now, so we can take him back to Sirius'."

"He's not staying here?"

Remus turned back to her, eyes wide in surprise. "Here? Are you joking? He won't set foot in the place, Lil. We're lucky we got him in the garden." His voice lowered considerably as he glanced over at the house. "He found his parents dead in there, would you want to go back?"

She sighed and shook her head. They fell silent and stared at different points in the distance. Lily took his hand and squeezed it. "Is he going to be alright?" she asked. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Eventually," Remus said. "He'll be alright eventually. I think the best thing you can do right now is wait here. Just tell him you're sorry, then leave him alone." He stopped, and an odd look came upon his face. "You know I've only once seen him cry before today? Known him for seven years, and only once before today."

Lily gave a single nod. "I'm all cried out," she said. "I don't think there's any water left."

People were milling by the pair as they stood, silent once more.

Lily tilted her head back to watch the clouds drift over the moon. Remus followed her gaze up to the silver crescent, then shuddered and looked away.

"Where are they?" she whispered.

"Who?"

"James and Sirius. They'll need you right now."

Remus shook his head. "They're my best friends in the world Lil, but they don't want me right now. They're brothers, they need each other and no one else right now. Sirius is almost as upset as James, this is the second family he's lost."

She felt a pull in her chest, but the now very familiar tingling in her eyes did not happen. She couldn't cry anymore.

"Lily, you came."

She looked up to see Lene coming towards her, Brent in tow behind her.

"You came," Lene repeated softly, stopping before her friend. "Good."

Lily inhaled and nodded.

"When did you get here?"

She shrugged. She really didn't want to talk. "Five minutes ago?"

"Oh."

Remus glanced at Brent, then between the girls, not really sure what to do. "Um" he said. "Look, Sirius and James are over there, I think I'll-"

"Where?" Lily had looked up, glancing around intently.

"There," he said, raising his arm briefly.

Lily looked to Lene quickly. "I'll be right back."

She approached him slowly, rehearsing her carefully planned sympathy sentence. She was going to say she was sorry, she was going to assure him that she was there for him, she was going to ask if he needed anything, and she was going to get out fast.

He looked up when she was only a few steps away, and quickly turned away from her, hiding his face.

Sirius looked up, gave Lily a tearful nod, and moved in the direction of where Peter could be seen, standing with his mother.

"James?"

His shoulders were shaking. "Please go away Lily. Please."

She rested her hand on his shoulder, and he turned around slowly. As soon as he did, she simply looked up at him and bit her lip, and before she knew what was going on he was holding her tighter that she could ever remember. He had pulled her so close to him, still crying, and she was rubbing his back, resting her chin on his shoulder, and trying to remember what she was supposed to say. She was also trying to banish the warm fuzzy feeling in her stomach. This was not the time for warm fuzzy feelings.

"I'm sorry," she finally whispered. 'I'm so, so sorry."

He shook his head, but said nothing.

"I - I don't know what to say," she continued, not really hearing herself. "I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry, and everything's messed up right now."

He lifted his head and looked her in the eye. "I should go now," he said, stepping away from her quickly, as though he just realised what he was doing. "I should go."

"No - wait."

He looked at her nervously.

By now she had lost nearly all control over what she was thinking and saying. "James, I - I love you so much. If there's anything I can do..." She then realised what she had said, and bit the inside of her cheek nervously, watching him.

"I should go," he said again.

"James? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said -"

"I have to go, Lily." He turned to leave, but hadn't taken a step before a heavyset woman in a grey shall had situated herself before him.

"James," she said, in a voice that clearly indicated she was a horrible gossip, "you must be feeling absolutely awful! However will you survive! Certainly you're not going to stay here by yourself?"

James opened his mouth, but she continued to speak. Oddly enough, Lily found it amusing and depressing all at once.

"Of course you're more than welcome to come and stay with my family. Camille would just be overjoyed to see you again! You haven't met her since you were tots, have you? Pity her father is French and he was so set on her going to the continent for her schooling, I dare say you would have become quite good friends." She dabbed her eyes, and Lily felt herself instinctively sliding closer to him, a step above. It didn't take a genius to figure out what this woman was doing. "You mother and I used to have so much fun, dreaming about the day you two would get married!"

From behind, Lily could see James' jaw tighten. No doubt he was working at not crying. Or working at not slapping this woman. Both seemed like rather good options to Lily, but she instead opted to try and rescue him, by stepping into his view and snaking her arm through his.

"How're you doing?" she asked softly.

He looked down, and an odd look formed on his face. Not grief, but certainly not relief. "I'm fine, Lily."

"Oh." The woman looked quite distressed. "Is this the same Lily you were seeing at Christmas? Your mother was telling me all about her at the Christmas party, how wonderful a couple you made."

Lily rolled her eyes internally. How fake.

But then she felt James' hand close over her own. "Yes," he confirmed. "This is my Lily." He then turned to her. "I know you have to go," he said quite seriously, "but you are coming over tomorrow evening, aren't you?"

Lily was confused. Very confused. But still...

"Of course," she managed, before walking back to Lene.

*

When Lily returned the next night, he was again on the steps. He was sitting there with his head in his hands, gazing blankly before him. He didn't glance up as she approached, and didn't even flinch when she sat beside him. Still staring at the ground, he could have been asleep for all the recognition he gave. This was not the James Potter she knew. The James she knew would be joking too often and laughing too loud, banishing all unwelcome thoughts and feelings, seeking and vowing retribution. Lily would have given anything, at that moment, to see the James she was used to, the one she knew how to talk to in this situation.

The streak of nice weather had apparently ended, and the sky, the air, and everything around seemed to scream rain. Lily could practically smell it.

"Hi," she whispered softly. "How're you doing?"

James closed his fists. "I don't want your pity."

"Well do you want me to do anything else?" Lily decided to be an uplifting, cheerful person. If he didn't want her to sympathise, she wouldn't. Maybe she could help him with all the re-arranging or obligatory thank you notes or she could even try cooking or something. "I mean, I'm not good at very much, but I could try-"

He snorted. "You're good at everything."

"That's because you've never tried my biscuits. Ask Lene. I burn them all. Except for the soggy ones."

"How'd you manage soggy biscuits?"

"You know," Lily said, leaning to the side to wrap her arm around his waist, "I'm really not sure. I must have some sort of special talent."

They sat silent for a time.

"I was waiting for you," he said suddenly.

She shrugged. "I'm sorry I'm late." She was suddenly embarrassed for her reasons. "I didn't want Lene to know where I was going, so I didn't leave until after she had."

"Oh," he replied.

She glanced behind them at the house. "Are you staying here again? Remus said you were staying with Sirius last night."

He grimaced. "I'm trying. Haven't actually gone in yet." He paused. "I think I'll sell it. Move someplace else."

Lily's mouth dropped open. Why would anyone ever want to sell this house? It was beautiful - and the grounds too - it was his, no strings attached, no repairs, and no landlord. As someone who had only recently been flat shopping, his decision made no sense whatsoever. "Are - are you sure?" she managed.

He shrugged. "It's not much use having a house if you can't go in. And it's not like the neighbours will miss me. I don't think they know this house exists." He gave a short laugh, then covered his face with his hands. "Goblins were here today," he explained. "Making a big fuss over inheritance and the forms for the - for the money stuff. Like I want it."

Lily gave a small nod. "I guess this is all a lot to deal with. And it's really not something you ever want to have to deal with."

He nodded. "Bloody goblins."

Lily took a deep breath. "Listen, James. I'm - I'm really sorry I haven't been here for you. I should have been. I wanted to, and I had promised to, and-"

He suddenly jerked away from her. "You came here to apologise?"

"Um," Lily began, not sure what the expression on his face meant, "yes?"

He snorted and looked at the ground again. "So you just feel sorry for me. I told you Lily, I don't want your pity. I don't want you here because you feel sorry for me."

"That's not what I'm apologising about!" she exclaimed, turning to face him. "I'm here to apologise for being so horrible to you. For saying all those things I didn't mean and putting us both through hell and being too proud to admit that I was wrong! I'm sorry they're gone, James, but I'm not here for them. I'm here for you. And... I was wrong. And I'm sorry."

He didn't look the least bit rumpled. "Oh."

"Oh, what?"

"Oh, I didn't know that."

"Oh." She paused, realising how ridiculous she sounded. "Do you have a response? Besides 'Oh,' I mean?"

He shrugged, and pretended to think hard. "Hmm... How about... took you long enough?"

"Yeah, that'll work."

An awkward silence built around them.

"So," Lily said, making a stab at something, "are you going to go in? I could go with you, if you want."

"No."

"No? What are you going to do, live outside?"

"Camping, Lily, it's called camping."

She rolled her eyes. "You can't camp on your front doorstep."

Quite suddenly, he changed the subject. "D'you think they're watching?"

That was quite a shock - Lily hadn't expected him to say anything like that to her. "I don't know. Maybe. When you want them to." She paused. "Do you want them to?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. No. Someti- Yes. I mean, no, I don't. No. But then... I'd hate to think that... well, you know."

She nodded, not really sure what he meant. "I'll watch you for them, then. And no doubt Sirius'll do an excellent job of James-sitting." She opened her eyes as wide as they would go, and stared at him.

"That's creepy. Stop it."

She blinked, and looked away.

Something landed on Lily's head, and she looked up - only for a raindrop to land in her eye. Looking down and blinking rapidly, she noticed the dark dots covering the walkway.

"It's raining." She instinctively wrapped her cloak - all right, Lene's cloak, but it was the nice blue one and Lily couldn't help borrowing it - tighter.

"I know."

Lily sighed. "Are you going to do anything about it?"

"I don't have control over the weather." His voice was next to toneless.

"But you do have control over the front door," she suggested. "You have control over whether we can go in or not."

James turned to her, and just looked. He sat for so long that Lily was starting to feel rather uncomfortable, when he stood. "Come on."

He stood in front of the door for a full twenty seconds, just staring.

Unsure of what to do, Lily stood behind him. "Alright?" she whispered.

He nodded, but didn't move.

"You want me to go in first?"

"No."

Lily put her hand on his shoulder, hoping to at least offer moral support.

"That's it," he said, slumping back down. "I'm selling it. Can't go in. Won't go in."

Lily crouched down before him, and gave a weak smile. "You know you won't. It's your home. You can't leave home."

"You did." He didn't even look at her, but stared down.

Lily suspected that he might be trying to hide tears, and reached her hand around to rest at the back of his neck. "Nah, I didn't."

"So what d'you call moving out, then?"

Lily paused. Good question. "It was the first step in finding home," she replied. "Now come on, let's go inside before we get hypothermia."

"Hyper-what-a?"

She shook her head as she stood, offering a hand to him. "Never mind."

"No, what is it?"

She rolled her eyes and grinned at him. "It's a very serious disease that happens to you when you keep a girl outside in the rain too long. It can even be lethal, depending on the girl."

He raised his eyebrows. "Are you lethal?"

"I wouldn't know. No one's ever taken the chance before."

"Maybe I'll be the first. That way, you'll know for future reference."

Lily couldn't help but smile at him. "Come on," she said again, "let's go inside. I'm wet and it's getting cold."

"I'm not going in." His smile was gone, and Lily seriously considered banging her head against the wall in frustration.

But she was awfully cold... and her robes were getting wet, and a lovely, huge puddle was forming on the front path. "You have to go in sometime," she said firmly. "And if you go in now, it could possibly save your life." She smiled hesitantly.

He looked pained. "I hate it when other people are right."

Lily watched him turn his head to look at the door. She couldn't understand how hard it was, she knew she couldn't, and so she didn't try. She simply crouched before him, and tried to look supportive. Suddenly, it clicked in her mind that maybe he wanted to be alone when he went in again.

"Do you - do you want me to leave?" she asked softly. "Because it's no big deal, you know, I can go-"

"No!" he said quickly, spinning around and grabbing her hand. "No, you can stay if you want to," he said again, more casually, regaining his composure.

Lily bit the inside of her cheek. "Do you want me to?"

"I don't care," he said. His glasses were flecked with raindrops, and he wiped them off in an effort to put off the opening of the door.

"James?"

"I can do this!" he burst, probably heartily embarrassed. "I'm fine." And with that, he opened the door and stepped inside, turning to glare at her defiantly. "See?"

Lily smiled, nodded, and stepped in after him. "I see," she said, taking his hand.

He glanced down at their hands, then nervously around the entrance, and his hand tightened.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, and if you ask me one more time I'll... well... it'll be drastic."

Lily bit her tongue to stop a laugh from escaping. "Okay."

James glanced around, as if trying to decide what he should do next. "This is weird," he admitted.

She nodded silently beside him. Nothing had really changed since the last time she had stood in that place. Staircase twisting up to the second floor, hallway leading away to the kitchen before her, and it looked like the same collection of cloaks all trying to remain hanging on the stand.

"Okay," he said firmly. "We need to do something. I can't just stand here. And we have to talk anyway, so come on. We're going to talk." He began to walk up the staircase, and Lily did not hesitate before following.

She vaguely wondered where they were going, but soon it became apparent. James went straight to his own room, and sat on the bed, gesturing for her to sit wherever she pleased. Lily glanced around, took in the mess, and eventually perched beside him. Why had he brought her here, of all places? It wasn't like they wouldn't have privacy in any other place in the house. But, she considered, he probably wasn't at all used to that idea yet.

"You want to talk?" she drew her legs up under her cloak, to sit cross-legged.

He breathed deeply. His mouth opened, but said nothing. He then said something reminiscent of "Umyerah."

Lily tightened her jaw.

He tried again, but nothing seemed to come out. "I'd like to talk," he finally managed, "but my mouth doesn't seem to want to."

Lily looked over at him, and raised her eyebrows. Vaguely, she wondered why she was here, why he didn't hate her, and then decided that it really didn't matter. She was here and he was here and if he did hate her, then he wouldn't be having this much trouble telling her to get out of his life. Besides, she thought, as awkward as this inevitable talk was, it was also a distraction for him. And if she had been in his position, she would be very welcoming of distractions. Oh, but it was awkward. Wouldn't it be nice if they could just skip it - but they couldn't, she knew.

"We should talk," she finally declared, and forced her self to look directly at him. Oh. Bad idea. Now she felt nervous and giggly. "Talking is good. In a situation like this, talking is really good, because now we can get everything out in the open." Lily looked at him desperately, hoping he would step in and stop her, but judging by the expression on his face he wasn't going to do anything of the kind. "And... that's important, so we know what we want, and what we're thinking, and talking is how we communicate. Well, I suppose we could communicate with some sort of sign language... or, or secret code or something... but I don't really know any. Secret codes, that is. And sign language. I don't really know either. Although I'm sure you know some sort of secret code from back when you were thirteen or something, but since I don't it would be sort of useless, wouldn't it? So talking is good." Lily was panicking. She was ranting. She was rambling, even worse; and she couldn't stop. "We do need talk, and well, I've established that haven't I? Now would be a great time for you to start talking, though because I'm rambling and I don't think I can stop until you say somethi-"

He flashed her a smile and, thankfully, interrupted. "Couldn't even last a month without me," he said, shaking his head as though disappointed.

"Well, I need someone in my life who'll always have food in their house. Someone I can mooch from when I'm too poor to buy my own."

"Is that all I'm good for? Food when you're poor?"

Lily shrugged. "That, and when I need someone to take me to boring weddings..."

He guffawed and, stretching his arms out behind him, leaned back on his hands. "I would have gone if you'd asked me. And I seriously considered crashing, what with a certain someone prancing around for a week after, bragging that he was your rebound."

She laughed. "Sirius Black? A rebound? My rebound?" Then she considered. "Actually, he'd make a very good rebound. But..." Lily paused, wondering how to word her question. "But if it's alright with you... I don't really want to have to rebound any time soon."