Inevitable

Chapter Twenty

Walk Away Silent

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech - Martin Fraquhar Tupper

The carriages bumped along the road, and Lily craned her neck out of one of the windows, oblivious to the dull drizzle, wanting to watch Hogwarts - her home for the past seven years - disappear behind the trees and hills, until only the towers could be seen. And then, nothing.

She ducked back inside.

"Weird, isn't it?" Pat said with a wistful smile.

She nodded, and tucked back a strand of her damp, and now frizzy hair. "Yeah."

Lene had not spoken for a while. Not since breakfast. Lily was honestly beginning to worry about her best friend. She was so quiet, she was making insightful observations, and she genuinely seemed to care about what people thought of what she said. It was not her normal, don't-give-a-damn, do-what-you-want behaviour.

"Lene? How're you doing?"

She looked up. "We're going away."

Lily blinked and nodded.

"We won't be there next year... when Cora starts. She needs someone there, and I'm the last one of us here, and she'll be all alone..."

Lily put her arm around her friend. Cora was Lene's younger cousin, the daughter of Charles McKinnon, who had been killed during the same raid that resulted in James' capture. The entire McKinnon family had taken his death rather badly, and many had stood up in the Ministry to declare war on Lord Voldemort, vowing that they would not rest until he was gone. Already, some of Lene's uncles at the Ministry were supporting a man named Crouch, who was pushing for harsher punishment for Death Eaters, and more privileges for Aurors. Lily could see where they were coming from, but did not believe that using Unforgivable curses against Death Eaters would solve the problem. It would be sinking to their level.

"It'll be alright. She'll be safe at Hogwarts."

Lene sniffed.

Pat bit her lip. She and Lene had never been particularly close, and she had no idea what to say.

There were many tears as the seventh years got on the train. Lily remembered having rolled her eyes at them in past years, the seventh years, always the last ones on the train home. She had thought they were stupid, standing there and sniffling. And here she was, standing with the others, taking in the village, watching the Thestrals - which she hadn't been able to see until New Years Eve, and was still unsure of about whose death she had witnessed - trot back to the castle. Her eyes were welling up as she thought of leaving. Hogwarts had been her home for the past seven years. When she first came she had been so excited and nervous. She hadn't known anyone, and had read through her Standard Book of Spells twice, already able to levitate things. Now, she was leaving, and many of the same feelings enveloped her.

She felt, once again, as though she was starting over. Lene was the only person she could really say she was close to. Sure, she now knew many people in her new world, but none of them really knew her. She didn't know how she would make money, she didn't know if she would be alive tomorrow. She didn't know how to tell her parents that they were now a world apart from their baby girl. She was leaving her home, Hogwarts, to start over again.

*

"I'm starving. Lily... please go get me food?" Lene tilted her head to the side and held out a handful of coins.

Lily rolled her eyes, but accepted the coins. "Anyone else want anything?"

There were close to ten girls crammed into the compartment, entertaining each other on their last train ride home. Several rowdy songs and racy jokes later, they were all hungry. Very hungry.

Several galleons were passed to Lily, and orders were called.

"Okay, be right back," she said, sliding out into the hall.

Looking up and down, she couldn't see the food cart and the witch that pushed it. Lily knew, however, that she usually started in the back and made her way up, and so she headed towards the back of the train. Making her way slowly, Lily stumbled back and forth with the rocking of the train. She had never learned how to walk properly on anything moving. As she walked past one compartment, its door was opening, and she stumbled right into Remus Lupin.

"Watch out, Lil," he said. "Where're you going?"

"Oh, sorry. Um, food cart," she said brokenly, avoiding looking at a certain black-haired person who was sitting just inside the compartment. Thankfully, he was staring out the window very intently.

"Know what?" Sirius said suddenly, standing. "Let us go. We'll get you a bit of everything. You stay here." He reached out and snatched the coins from her hands, pulling her into the compartment and pushing her down in a seat.

"No, Sirius, really. Don't, I-"

"Remus, Peter, I think I'm going to need help carrying all of Lily's food. Come with me."

"Sirius." James' voice held a warning tone as he raised his head to glare at his best friend.

"Won't be gone long." Grinning, Sirius grabbed an arm of each of the other boys, and pulled them out, shutting the door tightly behind him.

Lily looked at the floor. "Hi," she said shortly.

"Hi."

"Some best friend you've got there."

"Yeah. I take it you've been elected to get all the food?"

"Yeah. Girls can eat a lot of chocolate."

"I know."

She looked up at him, and against all thoughts she felt something like a pang in her chest. He was staring at the floor as though it were the most fascinating thing in the world. His hair fell in his eyes, screaming for a cut. He looked as though he might cry. She had seen that look on his face once before. On a cold January morning, he had looked at her like that, making sure she was alright. Like he was afraid that he would lose her. She closed her eyes.

"I have to know something," she said without thinking. "I need to know what we are."

"Well," he said slowly. "You're a witch, I'm a wizard. A little more generally, we're both human beings, living in England."

"Are we still together? Technically? Are we just having a fight, or are we done? Because if we are, I need closure, James. I need to know."

He looked up and met her gaze. His eyes, for once, were unreadable. "What do you want?"

"I'm not sure," she said slowly. She paused, then continued. "On one hand, I think I still love you. On the other, I can't pretend that what happened didn't." Her voice betrayed her confusion, and wobbled. "I'm not going to tell you I'm not still upset, because I am, but I don't know if... I don't know..."

He redirected his gaze to the floor. "I guess we should just get this all out, eh?"

"We probably should have a while ago."

"Hey, I tried."

"I know."

"So? You go first?"

"I already did. Your turn." She tried to smile at him. It didn't work.

His shoulders sagged, but he looked up at her again. "Lil, I don't know what's been going on lately. Everything's been falling apart."

"What was in the letter?" she asked, interrupting.

"What letter?"

"The letter. The morning... the morning before... before the day it happened. The morning of you Care of Magical Creatures exam."

"Oh." He paused. "I can't tell you."

"Can't or won't?"

"Both."

"Alright, go on then." Lily was positive that it did not take this long for three boys to go get chocolate. Sirius Black was going to die.

"It all fell apart. I'm sorry, okay, I told you that. If it makes you feel any better, I don't think anyone has ever hit me as hard as Doyle did."

"It doesn't."

"Fine." His voice was hard suddenly. "I don't know what to think, Lily. I really don't. I love you - I do know that. I... I made a mistake, and I apologised, at least I tried to, and you just brushed me off!"

"It hurt James, it really hurt. I didn't know what to do."

"What do you want to do now?"

She met his gaze, both searching the other's eyes for answers.

"I think," she said without even thinking, "maybe we should try not being together. Just for a bit."

"What do you mean by that?" he demanded, sounding genuinely hurt, and a bit angry.

"I think we should take a break for, let's say a month, and see what we feel then. If we're both happy, then we know it's over. If we want to go back, we can go back."

"We can never go back."

"We can get past it, then. Together. But neither of us know what we want and until we do, there's not much we can do about it." Lily was surprised at her own logic.

James blinked. Clearly, he did not see this suggestion in the same rational light as she did. "Lily, I know what I want. I want you. You're all that I've wanted since I was fifteen."

She closed her eyes tightly for a moment. "Well there's the problem. How do you know that this is still what you want? How do you know that you still want what you wanted when you were fifteen, that you're not still here because you hate to refuse a challenge?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but Lily held up her hand.

"James, people change. There's no way for either of us to know if you still actually want this, or if you just think you do. I'm not sure what I want right now, and I need to sort it out. Please, just give me a month."

He looked so hurt. So hurt that she was sorely tempted to just go over and hug him.

Lily tried to smile. "In a month then?"

"Fine. Fine." He was looking at the floor again.

It all made perfect sense in her head. Everything was changing for both of them, if they weren't sure what they wanted between them, then it made sense to be apart for a time. Once they had some time apart, they would know how they really felt about each other.

James stared out the window. "You should go find Sirius," he said. "He's got your chocolate by now. Probably giving us time to stop snogging before he comes back in."

Lily gave a half-laugh at that, and tucked her hair back behind her ear. "Very confident in his matchmaking skills, isn't he?"

"Sirius Black is confident in everything."

She stood, swaying a little to keep her balance. "I... I guess I'll see you later, then."

"Enjoy your month." He didn't take his eyes off the window. He sounded unnecessarily bitter.

"You too."

She hovered at the door for a moment, hoping he would look at her. Smile. Wave. Merlin, lunge at her and kiss her, tackle her to the ground, just acknowledge that she was there!

He didn't, and so she slid open the door and stepped shakily back into the corridor. Something in the pit of her stomach told her she had just made a very big mistake, although her head said that she was being fair to both of them.

"Lily!" It was Remus.

"Hi," she said to the three, who were conveniently only a few steps away.

"Well?"

"Well what?" she asked Sirius.

He rolled his eyes. "Have you put him out of his misery? Please tell me you've told him to stop being so damn miserable."

"Sirius," she said slowly, "I love you, but you can be the biggest idiot this side of the Pacific."

He looked at her, confused.

"Remus," she said quickly, "Could you help me carry all of this back to my compartment?"

He glanced warily between Lily and Sirius, but then took what Sirius was carrying, and stepped towards her. "Lead on," he said.

Lily smiled, and took the rest from Peter.

"So," Remus said, when they were a safe distance from Sirius, "are you two together? He's been miserable without you. It's depressing, it really is."

Lily bit her lip. She trusted Remus, after all, but still... "We're taking a break," she said, "just to figure out what we want. For a month."

Remus exhaled loudly.

"What?"

"Lil, isn't it obvious that you'll probably need each other more in the next month than you will during the rest of your lives?"

"Why?" She staggered to the right, trying to remain standing as the train went around a corner.

"You're starting a new life, don't you want something solid?"

"I have Lene, he has you guys. We need to figure out what we want, Remus. We've both said some stupid things, and we need to figure out what we want before we can decide where we are."

He sighed and rolled his eyes, said nothing as she kicked the bottom of her compartment door, seeing as her hands were full.

"Lil! What took you so long!" Beth had opened the door, and relieved Remus of his chocolate as she stepped back to let Lily in.

"See you later Remus, thanks," she whispered.

"I hope you know what you're doing," was all he said before walking back down the corridor.

*

Lily watched the scenery outside the window. Now they were getting closer to the city, only four hours and they would be back.

Home.

If you could call it that, she thought bitterly. Three weeks of preparing for Petunia's wedding, then the momentous occasion itself. It was going to be horrible.

Behind her, the other occupants of her compartment were discussing past memories and things that had been such big deals at the time, going through by topic. None of them were quite ready to leave yet.

"Alright," Beth said just as Lily turned around. "New topic. Sirius Black."

Eyes were rolled and sighs were made. Sirius Black had quite the reputation.

Lily just laughed. "I remember the first time I really talked to him," she said. "I was trying to find the Tower, and we crashed right into each other. I dropped my bag and my books went everywhere, he dropped a jar and all the crickets that were in it escaped." She paused to laugh, remembering the shocked look on his face when his precious bugs had hopped away down the hall. "He was quite offended when I refused to help catch them."

"The first time I talked to him," Gemma said from her corner, "he was asking me out." She raised her eyebrows slightly. "Marlene?"

Once again, eyes were rolled. Gemma, in Lily's opinion, had never really gotten over the fact that she had had Sirius Black for a year, and then he just walked away. He had been regularly rejecting her ever since. She also knew that Gemma blamed Lene, because she and Sirius had always been good friends, and went out of her way to be cold.

Lene looked up in surprise. "First time I talked to Sirius?" She paused and thought. "Train to Hogwarts in first year. David pushed me out of our compartment and I landed on Sirius. We weren't sure about him, being a Black and all, at the time, but James said he was all right."

"What? Not some amazingly romantic tale?"

"Are we talking about the same Sirius Black? He doesn't do romantic, especially not with his friends," she shot back.

"Let's hope," Lily said quickly.

"But then, you should know that, Gemma, that Sirius doesn't do romantic. Since you know him so well..." Lene's eyes flashed as the other girl stared her down.

"First Hogsmeade trip," Pat said quickly, sensing the growing tension.

*

An hour later everyone was asleep. Everyone but Lily, who was gazing out the window, her mind still on memories.

She was determined to bring every horrible memory about James Potter to the surface, to help reinforce her logic. The only problem, was that every bad memory had something wonderful attached to it. She remembered how cruel he had been, but then she would recall all that he had done for Remus. She remembered how he followed her back from classes, forcing her to talk to him. But then she would remember how he would run up behind her in the halls and spin her around. She would remember how pompous he used to be, but then she would remember how he almost gave his life to fight for the Order. Damn it, that boy was an oxymoron. It was very hard to hate an oxymoron. Especially when you love him.

But the fact remained, she told herself as she stared down at the floor, that she still felt like she shouldn't have suggested taking a break. She felt something strange, like a pull in her chest and throat, and she knew that she really did love the idiot, despite what he had done. She knew that she should have forgiven him when he apologised. She knew that it wouldn't be easy, going about her life without the option of running to him when she needed support. It was just something that she needed to do. She needed to prove to herself that she could do it. But it felt like such a mistake.

She also knew, however, that she could never erase his accusations. She could never go back, simply because she knew that she could never forget the look on his face, the tone of his voice. She knew that, for better or for worse, too many things had changed between them for them to ever go back. Going back, like it had never happened, was not even an option.

Moving forward, on the other hand, was an option. As much as she hated to admit it, it was a very appealing option.

Sighing, she averted her gaze out the window. They were passing fields now; young, green crops shooting up towards the sky, wanting nothing more in their short life but to be closer to the warmth of the sun. It was too early, and they were going too fast for her to identify them, and she had never really been one for Herbology, anyway. But the fields were a welcome distraction. Lily thought about all the work it took to plant those fields, how each slender stalk would poke up individually. Each was its own, but together they appeared to be a carpet of green. Above the fields was a sky of deep blue, quite different from the dull grey clouds that had been enveloping the sky for the week or so previous. She couldn't help feeling, though, that the sky was mocking her. It was blue and cheerful and wonderfully warm, and she was feeling cold and confused and decidedly drizzly. Even the weather knew she was making a mistake.

There's a good reason for what I said, she told herself. I can't forget what he said. He can't forget what I said. It doesn't matter what I feel right now. If we're meant to still be together, there should be a sign. A big huge sign that I can't ignore.

"Give me a sign," she said aloud. "Tell me if I should tell him or not."

Then, realising that she had spoken aloud, she twirled her head back to the compartment, where all eyes were still closed.

*

They had been teary-eyed when they left Hogsmeade, and eyes welled up again as they stepped off the train.

Lily saw, quite clearly, a third year Gryffindor roll her eyes, and almost smiled. She had always though the seventh years mad too. But now she knew how it felt, to be leaving her home of the past seven years, and to go out into a world that was full of danger. She stood there for a long time, after all of the younger students had gone.

She knew that her family was most likely just on the other side of the barrier, that they would be worried about her. She knew that they would be waiting, that Petunia, if she had come, would be glancing at her watch every ten seconds. But she also knew that she never wanted to leave this platform.

"Lily?" Lene sidled up beside her. "I have to go. Rob's here for me."

Lily nodded. Rob was another of Lene's cousins.

"You alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Talk to you soon? We have to go flat hunting."

Lily nodded, then turned and hugged her friend. Lene shrunk back for a moment, not being an overly physical person, but soon hugged her friend back.

"I'll owl you tomorrow," she promised. And then she was gone.

Lily remained, as the others filtered away, just staring at the scarlet engine. She wasn't really aware of all the things that were running through her mind, but she knew that they were sad. She didn't want to leave, she didn't want to change. She didn't want to live in a world where there was no guarantee that she would be alive the next morning.

She also knew that she had to go. Her parents would be very worried by now.

She turned toward the exit, and came face to face with one other person, still watching the train.

James was still watching the train. Or was he watching her?

They simply looked at each other.

Lily racked her mind for something to say. Something, anything that she could say to him.

I have to tell him I love him. I can't walk away without telling him. He has to know that I do love him, even though I said...

Well, she really didn't know where that thought had sprung from. It was not going to be acted upon though. Not until her pride had properly had its revenge, anyway. She had been logical, and logic would prevail.

"Goodbye." Stepping forwards, she kissed him lightly on the cheek before stepping past him, and slowly walking away.

"Lily," he said quietly, desperately, reaching out to catch her hand, "Lil, please..."

"Goodbye, James." She pulled her hand from his and continued to walk.

James didn't move.

Damn it, Lily! What did you go and do that for! You are such a coward! Okay... Don't worry. He'll call you back again. I know he will. Any second now he'll call out for you to stop, and he'll tell you that he loves you and - Why hasn't he called me yet? I must be at least thirty steps away from him, why hasn't he called? Okay. Five more, and I'll look back whether he calls or not. Four. Three. Two.

She kept walking. Why did these thoughts keep interrupting her logic? Damn thoughts.

Why hasn't he come after me? she wailed internally.

She could feel his eyes boring into the back of her head, but she kept walking. If he wanted her to stop, he would call her. He would run after her and wrap his arms around her and spin her around and tell her he loved her. Then she could kiss him and tell him she loved him and not let go of him for a week. Now, why hadn't he come running yet?

The barrier was uncomfortably close; he was really cutting this running after her thing close, wasn't he? Sure it was more romantic if she was almost gone, but Lily was beginning to worry. Of course, that's what he wanted though. He wanted her to not be sure until the very last second. This was James Potter, and he had always had a flair for the dramatic.

But now she was a step away, and she was passing through the barrier, and could see her mother rushing towards her, arms open and shouldn't he have come by now?

Lily closed her eyes. She did it. She had walked away without telling him how she felt.

And she had never been more angry with herself.