Mentors

The office was as small and gray and bedraggled as Alphard Black had anticipated. The Werewolf Registry was far from the best-funded office in the Ministry. The chairs were ripped and stuffing peeked out, and the magazines on the table were even more outdated than in the average dentist's office. Alphard gave his name to the bored receptionist and then turned back to the waiting room.

There was only one occupant: a man in his late thirties, flipping through a magazine without really looking at the pages. He had tawny hair pulled neatly back into a tail, wire-rim glasses over amber eyes, and a cold, empty expression that Alphard knew well.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Damien Lupin."

The man's head shot up. "Alphard Black," he smirked back. "How are you?"

"I'd recognize you anywhere. You were the most meddlesome Auror I've ever come up against."

"And you're still one of the slipperiest Dark Wizards to get by us."

"Although I hear you're not with 'us' anymore. May I presume that this is why?"

"No."

"You're in the Werewolf Registry Office."

"I'm waiting for someone."

Alphard laughed. "That has to be the most ridiculous piece of claptrap I've ever heard. Waiting for someone. We're all here for the same reason, Damien."

"Your first time, isn't it?"

Alphard blinked. "How do you know?"

"They always either put on a front or cower in a corner. One or the other."

"Which did you do?"

"Neither. I'm not a werewolf."

"Talk about denial."

"I'm-"

"Dad?"

Both men spun at the voice, and Alphard Black's mouth dropped open.

Standing beside what was obviously the Registry Official was a young boy. He couldn't have been any older than nine or ten- the same age as Alphard's nephew Sirius. He had sandy hair and pale skin and serious amber eyes- in many ways the spitting image of the ex-Auror glowering at Alphard. But the eyes were old, far too old for the child that stood there.

"I'm done," the boy said.

Damien looked at the official, who shrugged. "Same as always, Lupin," he said. "Kid's fine. Just keep him contained."

"We always do," Damien growled.

The boy looked at Alphard, shying closer to his father. Alphard extended his hand. "Hi. I'm... I'm Alphard Black."

With a tight, reluctant nod from Damien the boy took it. "I'm Remus," he said quietly. "Are you new?"

It was at that point that it finally hit Alphard. Damien wasn't the werewolf- his son was. His eyes met Damien's, and in those seconds his old animosity melted away. What a thing to have to deal with.

"Yes, Remus, I am new. This is my first time here."

*

First time melted into second, then to third and then to innumerable. As the months passed what seemed impossible became livable, if barely. It was still a terrible secret to be hidden, from his own mind if possible, but it was a fact he couldn't escape.

No one could escape it. There was no cure, no way out. Once you were bitten, that was it. Alphard wondered- often- if it would have been better for the wolf just to kill him outright. It seemed much easier, and yet each day he went on. And every two months he appeared in the dingy little office, to be reminded of rules and regulations, read new laws, and subjected to a quick and perfunctory physical by badly trained mediwizards who were just grateful for the job.

And yet, as the months turned into years, nothing was easier.

* * * * *

Dear Remus-

I've written you a letter the day after the full moon for the past two years, but I've never had the nerve to send it. Funny, isn't it? An old man like me afraid to send a letter to a thirteen year old boy like you. It's preposterous. I don't even know if I'll send this one. Your father would disapprove, I'm sure, and question the propriety of me writing to a young boy. He wouldn't be the only one. I question it myself, but I have to know.

How do you do it, Remus? That's what I ask you in every single letter. Every time I see you in the Werewolf Registry Office you have your head high and you look people in the eyes. Not the Officials, but the rest of us. You go on, you live, you smile. I can't do it, and I should be far better equipped for it than you are.

Answer me that one question, and perhaps I can sleep at night.

Alphard Black

*

Mr. Black-

I don't mind you writing to me, although you're right about my father, I suppose. I'm not quite sure how to answer your question though, because I never knew I did it. I hate going to the Office, because the Registry Officials never look at me, or if they do it's only like I'm a bug or worse. But maybe I'm just used to it now, because I've been a werewolf for nine years and I don't remember the four before it. I don't really know. It's a good question though.

And I can't sleep at night either.

Remus Lupin

*

Dear Remus,

Nine years. I guess that explains it to an extent. I've only been a werewolf for three.

Does the word ever bother you? Werewolf, I mean. It's a word I can't get out of my head and I hate it. I hate everything it implies and the way people treat me because of it. I'm only grateful that most people don't know. No one in my family knows. I would be cast out if they did. Your family accepts it so thoroughly. I'm jealous of that.

Alphard

*

Mr. Black-

You should tell Sirius. He knows about me, and he's been great. I'll bet he wouldn't turn his back on you. Maybe the rest of your family would be good, too? Although I guess from what Sirius tells me, maybe not.

My family doesn't accept it. You think they do, but they don't. Time stopped for my father when I was four, and he treats me that way a lot of the time. My mother still cries, I think. I feel funny telling you that, because you see her and she always tries to pretend she's adjusted. But she runs away to the University every morning, and she's happy in her Muggle world. I think there she can pretend there's nothing wrong with me. I think she's gotten better since I've come to school, but I don't know.

We don't talk about it. We pretend it doesn't exist. But I feel shabby complaining about it, because I know they love me and that's why they have to pretend.

I think that's part of why I love James and Sirius and Peter. They know, and they don't try to ignore it or to forget. Pete tries to say I'm still normal, but Sirius and James don't. They just accept it.

By the way, you didn't happen to take Ancient Runes in school, did you? I'm having trouble with this translation.

Remus

*

Remus-

You mistranslated the third word. It should be frog, not chicken. The runes are very similar. Pull out East Asian Runes and Characters if you want more about it. And feel free to ask me any time, especially on the Oriental runes- I travel to Asia quite a bit for my work. I'm actually headed to Datong in two days. I need to go to the Yanguan Caves and the Hanging Monastery. I'll be gone for a month, but an owl will find me. And I'll write and let you know how it goes.

Every letter we've written has been about lycanthropy, but I admit I look forward to receiving your letters. Although I love him, Sirius is a pretty poor correspondent, and to be honest, I miss Hogwarts. I miss Gryffindor Tower and classes and everything. To be absolutely truthful, I miss being young.

Anyway, that was rather repulsive, so I'll close and send this before I tear it up and forget to write another one.

Alphard

*

Mr. Black-

Thanks a lot for the help. The sentence makes a lot more sense now. What do you do, anyway? I asked Dad, but he just sort of muttered something at me.

I know this is probably rude to mention, but Dad seems to think you're a Dark Wizard or something. I guess it makes sense- Sirius told us his parents are Dark Wizards. It really bothers him, to be honest, although he doesn't talk about it much. James can't stand it. His grandparents were killed by Dark Wizards. He never told Sirius, but he told me the night Sirius told us about his parents. I don't think he wanted to talk to Sirius for a few days after that, but the two of them won't stay apart from each other for long, ever. And besides, it's not Sirius's fault. Fortunately, I think Sirius was so wrapped up in thinking about it that he didn't notice how angry James got.

Is it true that they eat dogs and snakes in China? Mum's very fond of Chinese takeaway, and Dad teases her and says her chicken stuff is cat on a stick, but I think he's joking. (Most days. Although there is this one takeaway that I'm not so sure.)

Remus

*

Dear Remus-

The easy questions first, I guess. They do eat dog and snake in China. Snake's not bad, but dog is a bit tough for my liking. Flavorful, but I'd rather have a good beef lo mein. I put a few tourist cards in the envelope. It's a pretty interesting area, especially the caves. The amount of carving is simply amazing.

As for what I do, I'm a curse breaker for Gringotts. Basically, my job is to go into these old places and bring back treasure. It's actually pretty interesting, and since I travel so much it's pretty easy to keep the lycanthropy hidden. I keep my own hours, and no one cares what they are as long as I bring back plenty of gold. And heck, my employers are goblins. I don't think they even look much at me most times.

Now the hard part. There is a difference between a wizard that uses Dark Arts and a Dark Wizard. Dark Arts are powerful things, and many, many wizards use them. A Dark Wizard gets into philosophical connotations.

Many wizards see the Dark Arts as tools. Some choose to use them, some choose not to. That's how I feel about them. They're tools. Perhaps not the most pleasant of tools, but they get the job done.

Your father would know. A few years back, well, many years back, I was a little careless with the Dark Arts. Your father was one of the Aurors on the case. They never proved anything- and to be honest there wasn't much to prove- but your father knew I had been using Dark Arts, and not in the most innocent of ways.

I don't use them anymore, and I'm not just saying that. It's not even just the bite. It was Sirius, of all things. He was the first great-nephew, and he was just getting interesting around the same time as I had my run-in with your father. If I was locked up in Azkaban, I wouldn't get to be a part of his life at all. Totally sappy, but I never had kids, and I think I might have liked to.

Anyway, that should explain a few things for you.

Alphard

*

Mr. Black-

Okay then. A little uncomfortable, but then we're both Dark Creatures, so I guess Dark Arts in the past shouldn't matter much, should it?

Sorry. I've started this letter about nine times and I don't know how to write it.

I think I'll just keep thinking of you as the only nice person at the Werewolf Registry, and Sirius's uncle. It's easier that way, if you don't mind.

You know what? Screw the whole Dark Arts thing, and forget I ever asked about it. Or ever said anything about it. Let's just forget it all together.

Anyway. China. Tell me more about China. And when I write back next time, I'll tell you about our Transfiguration lessons with Professor McGonagall. Deal? Deal.

Remus

*
Alphard sat still with the letter in his hand, uncertain as to what to do. The boy was unnerved, and with Damien Lupin for a father, Alphard knew he shouldn't be surprised.

But he wanted to keep writing. Why?

He knew the answer even before he set pen to paper. Remus was lonely, despite three very good friends at Hogwarts. Lonely for a like mind, someone who understood intimately. And Alphard was lonely, too.

And so, even knowing that it wasn't smoothed over, he pulled a parchment to him and began to write. "Dear Remus... China it is."

* * * * *

The dark brown owl arrived at dinner, bearing a parchment with Remus's name. His parents looked surprised.

"That's not the Pettigrew's owl, or the Potter's. And it's not the one Sirius uses," Damien said.

"Maybe Sirius had to use a different one?" Remus suggested, taking the letter. "His family has a few. May I please be excused?" Although he knew his father wasn't convinced, he was allowed to leave.

Remus retreated to his room, closing the door behind him and sitting on the bed covered with a simple blue spread. He'd been waiting for this letter, waiting to see if Alphard had fulfilled the promise he'd made before Christmas. And as he opened the letter and read it, he began to smile.

Dear Remus,

Well, finally after two months, I took your advice. I told Sirius tonight.

You were right about him. He accepted it very well. James was there too, and he didn't even understand that my family wouldn't be like yours. I don't think James has ever known what it is to not be accepted.

I never married, you know, and never had children. Sirius sometimes makes me wish I did. Of course, Arden then tells me of all the trouble you boys get into, and the numbers of owls he's had from Hogwarts saying you're all in detention again for a hex in the hallways or a dungbomb-firework crossover that's gone off in the hallways. It's easier to just be the uncle who can laugh at the stories instead of the father than has to be mad.

But with my luck, my kid would have been like Regulus.

Merry Christmas,
Alphard

*

Mr. Black,

I don't usually hex people. That's Sirius and James. The dungbomb firework, however, was all my idea. But it's not my fault I didn't get caught. Just Sirius and James again. I'm really glad you told Sirius, though. Want to bet I get an owl from him in the next day or two?

My father actually decided it was time for The Talk over vacation. I can't believe he admits I'm old enough to hear it; never mind that I've heard a lot of it already. That's the thing about reading books that are way too advanced for you; you learn a lot about sex.

But for all that I've read about and Dad talked about it, I don't think I'll ever have it. How can I do it when I know I'm a werewolf?

Is it lonely, never having married? I do know I will never get married. I can't do that to someone- tie them to my life like that. Is it really hard?

Happy New Year,
Remus

*

Dear Remus,

You're thirteen, sex and love will find its place in your life one day, I'm sure. It all seems strange and repulsive at one time (especially right after talking to your parents about it), but eventually it won't.

I never married, but I haven't been alone for my whole life, either. I've had lovers, one of whom lasted fourteen years. In my family, only Andromeda knows about that, and that's only because she arrived unexpectedly. She thought it was funny, but she never told. It's over now- it was well before the bite. He left because I wouldn't tell anyone, and it got to be too much, I suppose. There have been others, but I miss him the most.

I know it's hard, but don't be so quick to shut yourself off. It is lonely sometimes, and I regret letting him get away.

Glad to know you all made it back to school safely, and keep an eye on Sirius, will you? I'm very worried.

You know, you can call me
Alphard

*

Remus put the letter down with a heavy sigh. He wondered how Alphard felt about Andromeda now. He'd heard about her marriage and Arden's reaction from James: Sirius had little to nothing to say on the subject. He checked the date again. Alphard had written this two days after Andromeda's announcement. Looked like he'd keep speaking to her after all.

He wondered if he should write about Sirius and what Mr. Black had done, but Alphard had been there. He knew. And Remus was pretty sure Sirius wouldn't appreciate them discussing it behind his back. Yes, what he and Mr. Black- Alphard, because Remus didn't think he could think of Alphard and Sirius's father by the same name- had was outside of his friendship with Sirius.

*

Dear Alphard,

Of course I'll keep an eye on Sirius. He's not talking about it much, just for the record, but James is pretty upset. Which is good. Thought you might like to know that James told Sirius he can come to his house any time at all. Dad was livid when he saw Sirius too, and I don't think he'd ever turn him away if he came to our house, even if he doesn't really like him. I really wish he did.

Hey, guess what? Professor McGonagall remembers you. She heard us talking about the holiday and James and Sirius were talking about you being a Gryffindor, and her face just lit up and she turned red! What did you guys do when you were kids? Were you and she an item? I know you said she'd never date you, but did you go after her or something? It was really funny, especially when Peter noticed and started asking her all these questions. He knows exactly what questions to ask, too. He started just asking her about did you have classes together and stuff, and then if she ever thought you were annoying (she told us about the snowballs), and then asked her if running through the common room in her night gown was her way of getting your attention! She went so red- it was hysterical! Not so hysterical though when she gave all four of us an extra essay. The woman has no sense of humor, some days.

I suppose I'd better go start on her essay. Full moon in a few days, and by tomorrow I'll be feeling too shitty to get much done.

Remus

* * * * *

Dear Remus-

I can't believe the four of you managed to swipe Minerva McGonagall's bra. How four fourth years did it is beyond me, but I thank you very, very much. I'm supposed to meet her in Hogsmeade for a Christmas drink tomorrow. The look on her face when I hand it to her will be priceless.

I really want to do something similar to old McKinnon in the Office, just to make him smile. I don't know if you heard, but his wife died two months ago from cancer. Terribly sad for the old bloke; they'd been married for fifty seven years.

I have to admit, I'm afraid he's going to retire soon. I wonder who they'll give us when he does? The thought scares me. For all that the Werewolf Registry Office is intended as support, the people working there have as much sensitivity as an icicle. Bad simile, I know, but with the moon in a few days that's as creative as I get.

How did your Defense exam go, by the way?

Alphard

*

Dear Alphard-

Defense exam went well; he graded me an O. James and Sirius also pulled O's, and Peter got an E. Don't you dare tell Professor McGonagall we're the ones who took her bra- she still hasn't graded my Transfiguration essay and I spent a lot of time on it. By the way, I meant to tell you that she has picture of Jagged Edge- that lead singer for the Broken Sneakoscopes in her office. And it's autographed. To Minnie. But you didn't hear that from me.

I didn't know about McKinnon's wife. Dad probably did- he talks to McKinnon all the time. I guess McKinnon used to be an Auror and then transferred to the Registry after he got his hip broken? Dad wouldn't have told me though- he rarely tells me anything bad or sad. Remember what I said about the over-protective bit.

Oh yeah, I've been meaning to tell you that I did tell him James, Peter, and Sirius know. He completely went off the deep end at first, especially over Sirius. He doesn't like him, I think. Well, mostly. He does, he just won't admit it because Sirius is a Black. I know you and he are civil, but I don't think it's any shock to you that he doesn't really like your family. The Auror thing, I guess.

Definitely tell me about McGonagall's reaction, and preferably in a letter I can show the others. Sirius doesn't know we write. I don't know why I don't tell him, but I kind of like it this way.

Remus

*

Sirius, Peter, James, and Remus-

Boys, boys, boys, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Imagine the scene. It's the Three Broomsticks, decorated for Christmas. There's a tree in the corner, fairy lights draped around, and outside carolers are singing. It's warm, which is good because I've been in Siberia for the past week and I still haven't unthawed.

The door opens, and in walks Minerva McGonagall. I remember Minerva as a pretty girl with long black hair and a sly smile. She used to have quite the figure, let me tell you- almost every boy in our dorm drooled over her constantly, especially when she wore those red robes. Now she's much more uptight, her hair in a bun and those stupid glasses that make her look years older than she is, and gray in her hair which I suspect you four put there. But still, she's lovely.

We've been writing, but I haven't seen Minerva in years. We used to get on quite well, except when I stole her bra the first time and she pretty much buried me in the snow. But her eyes brightened when I stood up, and she made her way over to me eagerly. If Minerva McGonagall was someone I could love, I would have been smitten right there.

And then... with the carols in the background and colored lights and the smell of butterbeer... the perfect reunion for two old school friends... I tossed her bra at her as she made her way to the table.

Heh. Her screech attracted the attention of every patron in the bar.

"You... you..." That was all she could say. Gentlemen, between the five of us we reduced the articulate, intelligent Minerva McGonagall to stuttering one word incoherently. Be proud of yourselves, because few grown wizards have ever accomplished that feat.

"I thought you might need it," I told her, "when the Broken Sneakoscopes come to town. You can throw it at Jagged Edge. I've got tickets, Minnie."

She gaped at me again, and her face flushed the most delightful shade of red. Then she smacked me. Not hard, but like she would have as a school girl. I didn't mind- I was doubled over laughing.

"You haven't changed a bit, Alphard Black!" she shouted at me.

Nope. Not a bit.

So, thanks to you boys, I'm headed to the Broken Sneakoscopes concert on Friday night with the most eligible girl of my year. A few decades late, but such is the way of it. Heh. A rock concert. Us. At our age.

Andromeda will just be furious that I got tickets and she can't go.

Anyway, please accept my payment in the form of the attached sweets. I suspect they may be gone already, but again, such is life. And thanks again!

Uncle Alphard

*

Remus-

I haven't changed a bit, have I? Thanks again. Those are words I could never hope to hear, and the very words I was desperate for.

Alphard

*

Alphard-

You owe us big time. Big Time. McGonagall can't prove it was us, but she's pretty sure. And guess who she's blaming? Me. Yes, that's right. Me.

I gave her my best innocent look (which is more confused, because angelic innocence is a sure sign of guilt) and demanded to know why she thought I could ever be involved in such a caper. "One," she told me, "you used the word caper. Choose your words better next time, Mr. Lupin. No innocent would use the word caper. And two, while I know Mr. Black and Mr. Potter did the dirty work, neither of them would have noticed the picture. You, on the other hand, would."

Oops.

So, I have detention. It's my second ever. And guess what the wench is making me do? Wash her pantyhose. "Since you can't seem to keep your hands off my underwear, Mr. Lupin...." Ugh. There has GOT to be some sort of rule against this!

James and Sirius are stuck cleaning the trophy cases, and Peter has to help Ogg and Hagrid with something. Wankers. Wankers all of them. THEY'RE not cleaning pantyhose.

You so owe me.

Remus

*

Dear Remus-

Oops. Sorry about the pantyhose, but it WAS worth it. And yes, I owe you, and I'll pay up some day. I promise.

We did go to the concert. Front row, and I know I'm getting old because I complained the music was too loud. But if you could have seen Minerva dancing... I wish I'd taken a camera, because that picture would have been worth all your trouble. And she did throw her undergarments at the lead singer. For the record, he is quite fit and I can understand her attraction.

We went to a bar afterwards, and got spectacularly drunk. And I told her. Pick yourself up off the floor, because I know you're shocked. I told her I'd been bitten four years ago, and she laughed. Can you believe it? She laughed. "So that's why you recruited Remus Lupin in your little panty raid," she said. I knew she had to be drunk to mention your name.

I admitted I write to you, and she turned sober for a few minutes. She worries about you, I think. I've never asked her if she's had children- it's a strange thing to ask, I know. The truth is, neither of us want to know about the other's lives now. When we're together it's as if we're in our teens again, and whatever's happened in her life that she's trying to forget and whatever's happened in mine never happened. But I do know this about her life now: Minerva McGonagall genuinely cares for you.

See you tomorrow at the Registry.

Alphard

*

Dear Alphard-

What happened yesterday? You were as pale as a ghost when you left, and you didn't say a word. Is it the new man that took McKinnon's place?

Diggory wasn't bad, although he said another man is coming in this summer. He wasn't nice, not like McKinnon. McKinnon always treated me like my teachers do, and even as he asked me questions and read off the restrictions his voice was kind. Diggory was much more formal. But I'm scared of this new man coming in as well.

So what happened?

Remus

*

Dear Remus-

Sorry it's been so long since I've sent you a letter. I've written every day for the past two weeks and torn every letter up, because this is harder than I thought it would be.

I think you know I'm gay. You're a bright boy, and I haven't been that subtle about it. That said, I know I told you that I had a lover for fourteen years, and it ended because I was ashamed. I think that's what I told you.

I loved him, but I never said the words. It bothered him, and I suppose that's fair. It ended badly, which I guess is the only way a relationship of fourteen years can end when it's kept secret and not really acknowledged and all that. It ended ten years ago.

Problem is, ten years isn't enough to erase some wounds.

It seems completely cruel- to both him and me- that Andrew Diggory is now working in the Werewolf Registry Office.

The meeting wasn't good. He hadn't had time to look over all of the files, and apparently he'd spent a lot of time on yours because of your unique situation. So he didn't know to even expect me. And he was appointed so quickly, I didn't know to expect him. So the first time we'd seen each other face to face in nine years was when I opened the door and walked in.

His face went white, and I stopped dead. I thought that everything I'd ever felt for him was over, but it's not. But when he saw me in his office, anything he might have felt died right there on the altar of his desk. His eyes went completely cold and when he spoke to me his voice was flat. You'd have thought we'd never known each other.

I wanted him to scream and yell at me and tell me I'd been an idiot, or to berate me and demand to know what I'd done to get myself bitten. But he didn't even give me that courtesy, although I heard his voice break.

It was a short interview. Was yours long? I'm not sure which I'm hoping to hear.

Sorry to be so incoherent,
Alphard

*

Dear Alphard,

Oh wow. I don't think I would have come up with that in a million years. I'm not quite sure what to say. I'm really sorry. I know going to the Registry Office is hard for you anyway, and with this.... I really wish I could say something profound and useful.

My interview was pretty long, actually. I got the impression Diggory had never really met a werewolf, especially when he said I wasn't what he was expecting. I asked him what he was expecting, and he said he didn't really know. But I guess not a quiet kid with good grades and only two detentions in his life.

It was kind of embarrassing, actually. He kept asking me all kinds of questions. Some of them I didn't mind, like how my teachers treat me and where I go for transformations. But he started asking me if I have friends, and if I need help in my studies, and if I have girlfriends and if that's difficult, and all sorts of personal stuff. It was weird, like he was curious, but too curious. Invasive, almost. I didn't want to answer some of them, because it didn't seem right, but some of the questions made me laugh- especially when he asked if I like my meat cooked. No. I prefer it raw and dripping with blood. (Actually, Peter says I do. But just because he likes his charred doesn't mean all of us do.)

I miss McKinnon, but Diggory isn't a bad replacement. He's completely and utterly clueless, but he's at least willing to listen and try to help. Ugh. I don't want- never mind.

Hey, are you even in the area? If you are, we could go over to the Three Broomsticks tonight. I can sneak out no problem, and, well, and. Let me know.

Remus

*

R-
See you there at 9:00.
-A

*

Remus breathed a small sigh of relief that James and Sirius were not lurking in the Three Broomsticks. It had been easy enough to ditch them- the whole "I'm going to the library" thing was more than plausible. And even though their antics might very well cheer Alphard up, a second sense told Remus this wasn't what was needed.

Alphard was sitting in a corner table, waiting for him. Remus was surprised that he hadn't ordered any whiskey, but was not at all surprised at the strained, exhausted look on his face. Wishing he knew better what to say, he slipped into the booth across from Alphard.

"Hey."

Alphard smiled. "Hey."

"How are you?"

Alphard shrugged. "As good as can be expected, I suppose."

Remus sat in silence, helpless.

Alphard raised an eyebrow at him. "What?"

"I should be able to say something. That's why we're here, isn't it?"

Alphard snorted. "Remus, stop torturing yourself. Let me give you the answer in advance. There's nothing you can say to make it go away, or make everything better. We're here because we're friends, and that's what friends do when one of them is having trouble. They're there. You're here, and that means enough. Now want a drink?"

"All right."

Alphard caught Madame Rosmerta's eye and ordered two butterbeers. "How's Peter holding up these days?" he asked as the pretty landlady put the drinks in front of them.

"All right," Remus said. "A few months really helps. He doesn't talk about it much to me, but I think he does to James."

"It's got to be hard. I was lucky enough not to lose my father until late."

"I know. Mum's very sympathetic- her mother died when she was pretty young. She wants the Pettigrews to come over for Easter dinner. She says Easter's the hardest, with all the talk about Resurrections and new life."

"Yeah."

"Anyway, how are you doing?"

"Not so good."

"You didn't sound good in your letter. Tell me about it?"

And Alphard did. It wasn't an easy story for him to tell, and Remus already knew the outline anyway. He thought it was a shame Alphard and Andrew had ended, and although Alphard insisted he was over it, Remus was perceptive enough to see that this was not the case. He didn't have anything valuable to input; in fact, he barely said anything. He just let Alphard talk himself hoarse. But when they said goodnight Alphard hugged him like Remus had seen him hug Sirius- tight and long- and he knew that what he hadn't said had made a world of difference.

* * * * *

Dear Alphard,

Egypt sounds fascinating. That's one of the places I'd really like to go someday. Maybe I will, once I'm done school. I would love to travel. And thank you for the box; it keeps certain nosy roommates out of my letters.

You are never going to believe what happened yesterday. I still can't believe it myself. I'm not even sure I should tell you this, because they broke about a million rules and some of them are big, but if anyone understands it will be you.

Sirius, James, and Peter told me that they became Animagi so they could stay with me during full moons.

I don't know how well it will work, but it's worth a shot. But I couldn't believe it. It... Alphard, no one has ever done anything like this for me, and I would never expect them to. Not because I don't think they care about me or anything like that, but because so few wizards ever accomplish it. If I'd known they were doing it I would have killed them because they could have killed themselves. But they did it- I don't know how, and they told me last night for my birthday. I'm still in shock. It's really embarrassing to admit it, but I fainted when they showed me.

I still can't believe it. I really can't. Just... how many people have friends that would not only not leave them when they find out they're a werewolf, but would do something like THIS? How did I get so lucky?

Mum says whenever God closes a door, He opens a window. Not sure how much I believe that- I never really have for most of my life. I'm not even sure what I think about the concept of a God, except that He's really got it in for me if He does exist. But maybe not. To give me something like this....

I want to tell them how much it means to me, but I can't. How can you put something like this in words?

It's three o'clock in the morning. I slept for a bit, and now I can't sleep. I don't think I'll ever sleep again, but it's not like it was. I feel like the whole world is open now, and like all I can see is sunlight. I don't know, that sounds corny. I can't tell you what this means to me. I can only hope you know.

Remus

*

Dear Remus-

I'm stunned. Simply stunned. Hold on to them Remus. Hold on to them whatever may come. Friends like that don't come about every day.

I've never believed in God either. But now I think I believe in angels.

Alphard

*

Dear Alphard-

Well, last night was the full moon. And today I'm already sitting here in the common room, only having a few wounds healed. I vaguely remember it. It's not the nicest of memories, I suppose. I can actually remember warring with that hunger and being absolutely appalled that that's me. But I remember it.

I read once about how this person at Auschwitz felt when they were freed. They said even though they saw the sunlight every day in the camp, they never really felt it. It was like it was through this glass ceiling, and when the Allies freed them then it was broken and the light was real. That's kind of how I feel today. I want to shout to everyone and sing and just throw my arms up and celebrate, but of course I can't because then I'd have to explain and I don't want to do that.

I don't think I told you what they are. Peter's a rat. He makes a very cute rat, all gray and plump and cuddly. You ought to see his face. He looks almost comical, he's so cute. I want to take a picture and show any future girlfriends he might have. Sirius is a dog. A big, huge black dog that's even bigger than my wolf. Needless to say, he now does great puppy dog eyes. But what I find truly amusing is that he can't resist a tummy rub in dog form. And James is a stag. You should see James. It's like he stepped out of a woodland story book or something or that Muggle movie Bambi. It's almost intimidating, but believe me, between James and Sirius then can keep one wolf in check no problem, and I barely maimed myself at all.

I have to stop now, or I'm going to completely lose it and I don't feel like doing that. Nothing can take this away from me. Nothing.

Remus

*

Dear Remus-

I laugh every time I get one of your letters these days. I laugh because I have never seen you like this, so happy you're jumping off the page. It's wonderful to see.

I can see Sirius as a dog. I hope I get to one day. It must be a sight. I'll remember what you said about the tummy rubs.

I hope you're always this happy. It's a lovely thing to see.

Alphard

* * * * *

Dear Alphard-

Why is it that every time something good happens in my life, something comes along to change everything? Like I said, if there is a God He hates me. And now I know it for sure.

This is the hardest letter I've ever written, but I need to tell someone and I can't tell my friends. Sirius is here, curled up as a dog at my feet. He knows I'm writing a letter, and he knows it's not easy, but he doesn't know who to or what about.

I'm never going to have sex. I've always told you that. You argue with me and say I'll change my mind, but it's true. I'm never going to do it.

But now I really want to, and it's with one of my friends. I only have three friends, and you've met them. You see the problem?

It scares me. I can't do this. I can't want this. My life will never be normal, and I knew that. I've known it since I was four. I won't do this.

Nothing's happened. No kissing, no fooling around. He doesn't even know I feel this way.

I don't want to feel this way.

I'm a werewolf! Isn't that bad enough already? I can take that. I've been that. I keep hoping one day it will go away, but I know it won't and I live with it every day.

Does this go away? Is it a phase? Can I find a way to make it right? Please, please, please... tell me this time there's a cure. Tell me I can make it all go away. Tell me it doesn't have to be this way. Please?

Remus

*

Dear Remus,

I know you're scared, and you have every right to be. It's a terrifying thing, to find yourself in "the other group."

I knew when I was fourteen. I was scared, like you are. I thought it was wrong. So many people tell you it is, and it's perverted and unnatural and you'll be an abomination.

But it's not a choice, Remus. How can it be? If you could choose, wouldn't you choose a nice, pretty girl that your parents would like, and the rest of the world would agree with? Who wants to live this way, always feeling like an outcast from most of society? I didn't want this either.

There is nothing I can say to make it go away. It won't. To tell you the truth, I've known it for a while about you. No potions, no charms... nothing can fight this. And I wouldn't fight it for you, because to change it is to change who you are. This is different from lycanthropy. This is something that is intrinsically you.

The consolation I offer you is this: you can still find love and happiness, even if the world doesn't approve. Just be smart enough to recognize it and never let it go.

Alphard

*

A-
How could you know?! Does that mean everyone knows? Is that why you write to me?
-R

*

Dearest Remus,

Please believe me when I say that this is not why I write to you. It never has been, and it never will be.

I started writing to you out of pure selfishness. You are the only werewolf I know, and I needed help. You were a child, I knew that, but you seemed so able to deal with it where I could not. I still look at you on the days we meet at the Registry and admire you. You cope. I can't.

There's a lot I've done in my life that I'm not proud of. Some of it I actually regret. Some I don't. But there are two promises I've always made myself: I will not kill as a werewolf, and I will not touch you. Not that way.

I wish I could say you are the son I never had. You're not. That's Sirius, and that's as it should be. But paternal is the closest way I can describe what I feel for you, even if it's not quite right.

I doubt anyone knows. I can't really tell you how I know... I just did. It takes one to know one, I guess.

This is who you are, like you have brown hair and look like your father, or that you're brilliant at Defense Against the Dark Arts and not-so-great at Potions. It changes nothing between us, and it really doesn't change much about you.

I'd like to ask you to get together, but I don't want you to think it's for any reason like what you're already thinking. I just think you really need a friend who understands. And I do.

Let me know.

Alphard

*

A-
Same time, same place.
-R

*

Alphard was already waiting when Remus walked in. The boy's eyes were darting about nervously, he was even thinner than usual, and he looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks. Alphard remembered his own first days of coming out and thought that it was probably an accurate observation.

Remus approached tentatively, and it was all Alphard could do not to stand up and hug him. He wanted to, but he knew that Remus would worry that the embrace was something more than the comfort of a friend. Although Alphard wouldn't be able to take veritserum and say he had no attraction whatsoever to Remus, he would be able to say he had no desire at all to act on it. Instead, he smiled and gestured for Remus to sit across from him.

"Are you okay?"

"What do you think?" Remus snapped irritably. "No. I'm not. Not at all." He put his head in his arms. "This sucks."

Alphard chuckled. "I know lad. It does."

Remus looked at him with wide eyes. "So what do I do now?"

Alphard shrugged. "You go on. You live life. One day you'll fall in love, and then it will all make complete sense."

"No I won't. I'm not going to fall in love. I'm not going to have sex."

"You will some day."

"No. I won't. I've always known that, and now it's just worse. I am never going to do it. Never."

"Don't shut yourself off like that, Remus. You already said you were interested-"

"He's not." Remus's cheeks were red.

"Do you know that for sure?"

"He can't be. What are the odds? He's not."

"Which one is it?" Remus didn't answer. "Sirius?"

Remus dropped his head on the table again with a dull thud. "I really am bloody obvious," he said to the table. "I should just... I don't know... quit now."

"Remus... Remus, it's not that obvious."

"YOU know!"

"I'd venture that I know you better than most people!"

"But not Sirius!"

"Remus, trust me. Sirius is a fifteen year old boy with problems of his own. Unless you spell it out or hit him over the head with a steel girder, he will not notice."

Remus sighed, but sat up again. He leaned his chin on his hand, and looked out the window, thinking. Finally, the question Alphard knew was coming came. "Do you think I would have a chance? With Sirius?"

"I don't know, to be honest. James I'd say no, Peter's a definite no, but Sirius I can't get a reading on."

Remus shook his head. "The last thing I need to do is get my hopes up."

"It doesn't matter anyway," Alphard said craftily. "You're not going to have sex, remember?" Remus turned red and stared at the table and muttered something. "What was that again?" Alphard asked.

"I might if it was Sirius."

Alphard smiled. "When the right person comes along, Remus, you'll do it."

Remus sighed. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"That's what I'm here for."

"Have you heard that thing about werewolves mate for life?"

"Yes, and it's a load of crap. I've had a few partners since the bite, and trust me, there's no magical bond or the like."

Remus heaved a sigh of relief.

"But Remus...."

"Yes?"

"Some people, just because of the way they approach sex, they feel bound to that first partner for a long time. I can see you being like that. Sex isn't casual to you, or you wouldn't be so worried about it. That's not a bad thing," he hastily reassured the boy, "but it's something you should be aware of. You only get one chance at the first person. Don't rush into it, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life." Remus looked troubled, and Alphard patted his hand. "You're fifteen, Remus. That's still awfully young. Take your time with sex, and wait until you're sure you're ready. Don't rush it."

Remus nodded uncertainly.

"I do have something for you though," Alphard said, handing a book across the table.

"Open it up."

Remus did. His eyes widened as he stared at the pictures, which Alphard knew were in full motion and color. "This is... it's..."

"Yes."

"If I'm caught with this...."

"Thus the deceptive jacket. Remus, they aren't going to rummage through your nightstand looking for gay sex manuals. It will answer some questions for you, I'm sure."

"Thanks." Remus put the book in his lap.

"If you have any other questions... write me any time."

"Will I get through this? That's the only question I have right now."

Alphard reached out and squeezed Remus's hand. "You will. I'll help you."

*

Dear Alphard-

Thanks for meeting with me the other night. It helped. I'm still not feeling too great about the whole thing, but at least I slept last night and I'm eating again, so that's good.

I did look at the book a bit, but I think I'm just not going to think about it right now. I'm going to forget it and forget I feel this way about Sirius. I'm just going to forget everything. It's easier that way.

Thanks again.

Remus

*

Dear Remus-

Anytime. And you won't be able to forget. I'll tell you once more and then I'll drop the subject: it's a part of who you are and it's not something you can control. And it will be fine.

Anyway. I'm headed back to China in a few days. This time I'm going to Qufu in the providence of Shandong, where Confucius was born. It should be very interesting. I'll be back for Christmas, but as always an owl will find me there.

Speaking of Christmas, Sirius is coming to stay for the full moon that's around then. I hope you don't mind. If you do, let me know and we'll work something out.

Alphard

*

Dear Alphard-

I already knew Sirius was coming for the full moon, because I suggested it to him. I'd love it if he could stay with me, but for about eighteen obvious reasons, that's out. I hope it works as well for you as it does for me.

One thing I have to tell you though. I've never let them see the transformation, either way. It's just too much for them to see that. I know Sirius really wants to, but I can't bear to let him see what it's really like. Anyway, just thought you should know.

I'm going home for Christmas. I kind of wanted to have Peter and his family over; I know last Christmas was really hard for them. But Peter said they need to stay home for at least one of the major holidays and get used to it being this way, because it's never going to change. I didn't know quite what to say to that, especially since he's right.

I'm glad Sirius is coming to your house. James, Peter and I are really worried about him. I know I shouldn't speak badly of your family, but I wish he didn't have to go home at all. He hardly ever talks about it, but we all know it's not good.

Sorry I sound so maudlin. It's just... it's just. You know exactly what it is.

Have a good Christmas,
Remus

* * * * *

Funding made so many decisions slower than they had to be. The person that was supposed to assist Diggory didn't show up until a year and a half later than planned. The only thing that moved slower than molasses in the winter was government, Alphard thought sourly. Although he didn't like Lord Voldemort, he privately admitted that at least a dictatorship got things done. But finally, on a hot summer day after Remus's fifth year, a new Official appeared in the office.

Alphard was sitting in the waiting room, flipping through a magazine. Damien Lupin was sitting across from him with his wife Marilyn. Marilyn was pretending (badly) that she was engrossed in an article filled with symbols, and Damien was chewing on the inside of his cheek. As always, sympathy for the pair welled within him.

"What are you reading?" Alphard asked Marilyn.

Her laugh was thin and brittle. That alone told him she was nervous. "Just an article for my research. Rather badly written, I'm afraid. The review process for this journal leaves something to be desired."

Alphard was about to respond when he heard a deep voice from the other side of the wall, booming. The words were indistinct but the message was clear, and Damien's scowl deepened. To his surprise, a younger tenor voice began shouting back, and then there was a loud crack. The entire waiting room- the entire Registry Office- filled with a thick blue smoke that left them all coughing.

The office was in chaos for the next half-hour, and Alphard only got a glimpse of his young friend leaving, face white and his father's arm clamped firmly around his shoulders. It was only when he went in for his own appointment that he understood.

The man sitting across from his was flustered and red, with hard angry eyes and rich robes. It didn't take a master of divination to know that he wasn't happy to be here. It was also a face Alphard vaguely recognized: Alvin McNair. One of the pureblooded, aristocratic McNairs, and likely serving time in the Werewolf Registry Office as a demotion. McNair's eyes were brutally cold as he studied Alphard.

"What did you say to Remus?" Alphard demanded.

"I believe that is of a confidential nature, Black." McNair's eyes glittered. "But I trust that, being a higher class of person, you will heed what I am telling you. The Ministry has long been too soft with creatures like you, and the world is changing. Regulations will be changing, and you will find that your kind will step in line or be exterminated."

Despite himself, Alphard felt shame was welling inside him. Shame to be what he was, shame to know there was no defense to offer; he was everything that McNair would say.

"The Ministry is displeased," McNair continued. "Dark Creatures are flocking to You-Know-Who every day. It's in their nature and it's not a surprise, but it puts normal people at risk. Therefore, new regulations concerning the actions and everyday life of your kind will be put into effect."

"Ah, McNair. You do realize that several Dark Creatures are turning to Voldemort because he offers them their rights?"

"The right to run free and feed at night? The right to kill innocent civilians?" McNair's face was lit with a sort of unholy joy. "Those are the very acts we are trying to prevent, Black."

Alphard sighed and slumped defiantly in his chair. "Goodie. Well, roll them on out, McNair."

"I knew you'd be sensible," McNair replied, smug... and relieved. A fifteen year old boy was easy to bully; a grown pureblooded wizard with a known talent for the Dark Arts was not. Alphard only half-listened to the regulations, using all of his energy to hate the man before him.

*

Dear Remus,

No preamble today. Are you all right? I heard McNair yelling through the walls. What happened?

Alphard

*

Alphard-

I apologize for presuming to write to you in Remus's place, but Remus has not said a word for the past few days, and I have other concerns as well.

I'm not sure how the argument began, but McNair wants to bring Remus up before the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures. He firmly believes that Remus should be put down, and told him so in no uncertain terms. Remus had the audacity to argue back, and McNair subdued him, although I'm not sure how. The smoke was from unplanned magic on Remus's part, brought on by the stress of the situation.

I know we have had our differences, but I admit that you have been a great help to Remus. I've known about your correspondence for some time now (although Remus does not know this), and I must thank you as well. I also must ask you a favor. I do not have enough influence or power to get McNair out of the Registry Office. Can you help me with this?

I also feel that I should tell you your nephew Sirius showed up at our house this weekend unannounced. We're certainly willing to host him, but the boy shows signs of mistreatment and abuse. I am not sure if there is anything you can do; I am well aware that the law does not permit werewolves to be the guardians of children, but I thought you should know.

Take care,
Damien Lupin

*

Dear Alphard,

Well, Dad said he wrote to you. I guess he's going nuts about Sirius as well, not that I can blame him. Is there anything you can do for Sirius?

I guess Dad told you about what McNair wants. It's not that I'm worried. I know they won't let him do it. I haven't done anything wrong and Dumbledore's not going to let them. But it was just hearing it like that. I haven't really heard it since... I think since I was eight or nine, I don't remember. I don't want to remember.

Peter and James and Sirius have been great, and Dumbledore has been beyond that, and they're the only ones at school who know. Some days I forget that not everyone is like them. Well, no. I don't like my Defense teacher that well and Binns absolutely hates me, I can tell, even though he doesn't say it. But sometimes I expect everyone to act like the others. Don't know why. I just do.

Did McNair say anything to you?

Remus

*

Dear Remus-

No, but I'm a fully qualified wizard and he knows I'd best him in a duel with one hand tied behind my back.

However, he didn't say a word to me that wasn't required either. He's definitely not like Diggory or McKinnon. I miss McKinnon.

What he did say is that the Ministry is worried that werewolves are flocking to Voldemort. Well, they should be. Not all of us are quite so willing to subject ourselves to monthly self-torture, and beyond that, Voldemort is willing to give us rights. I'd be tempted, but the fact is I don't trust Voldemort further than I can throw him. A wizard's willingness to use Dark Arts means one thing: he's out for himself, and for power. Voldemort will give werewolves rights as long as we are useful to him. The day we aren't is the day we lose everything we've gained, and probably end up either in Azkaban or executed as well. Thanks, but I'll stay on this side for a while.

As for Sirius... there's not much I can do until he's seventeen. He knows he's welcome here, but I cannot be his legal guardian- you know why. I cannot try to take him from Arden and Elizabeth. The most I can do is tell him he's always got a spot to stay here. Although from what I understand he stays with James and knows he can come to you, so I don't expect to see him much.

I write to him, and he sometimes writes back. When he does he writes long letters, but I know he's busy. I miss him. It's funny that I don't feel the same for Regulus, but then Regulus was never quite like Sirius. Or maybe it's just because he's like Arden. Or close to Arden. Or something.

We need to get back onto happier subjects. What are you doing with your summer?

Alphard

*

Dear Alphard-

I'm afraid I'm not doing much. Dad has gone psychotic again, and isn't too keen on letting me out of the house. He did let me visit the Pettigrews for a weekend, and he let me go over to James's for a day, but that's been it. I'm going insane from the boredom.

I want to tell him to back off and let me go do something. But I know he's worried with the way people are disappearing these days. He remembers too much of when I was little and people knew, and with these wonderful new fashion-setting tattoos we got he's even more afraid someone will see. Like I'd be so stupid to show it.

Oh yeah, meant to tell you, Mum completely lost it over the tattoo. I didn't think it was a big deal; so we have our numbers tattooed on our forearms, right? Yeah, well, Mum pointed out that that's what the Nazis did to the Jews during the Holocaust and then cried off and on for two days straight. Charming thought, Mum, thanks.

I haven't heard a word from Sirius since he's been here either. We didn't talk much- he came at full moon and I knew something was bothering him, so I tried to stay quiet- but it's not like Sirius to hold that against me. Can you check on him when you get the chance? I'm worried.

I can't wait for school to start again. Between Dad fussing and Mum crying and not being able to see my friends, I'm going to go insane. Oh well. At least it gets my mind off being gay, right?

HELP.

A desperate Remus

*

R-
Help is on the way. Wear your dress robes. We'll be there at 7:00 to pick you up.
-A

*

Remus was sitting in his best robes, watching the clock. The navy blue fabric felt stifling to him in the summer's heat, but worse was the depressed atmosphere of the house. His father was sitting in his chair, reading the paper and swearing softly. His mother was outside, hiding in the garden. Don't let him forget, Remus pleaded silently. Let him get here soon. Please please ple-

The doorbell rang, startling the silent household.

Remus jumped up gratefully, practically running to the door. When he opened it, he burst into a fit of laughter.

Alphard was standing in front of him, best black dress robes resplendent in the evening light. He wore a top hat and a monocle, and glanced down his nose at Remus with his best haughty pureblood expression.

On his arm was a woman, which might have been shocking if Remus didn't recognize her immediately as Professor McGonagall. She was wearing red, fitted robes that were indeed flattering, and her hair was down. They actually looked very nice together, Remus thought.

"Ah, Damien, good sir," Alphard bowed to Remus's father, who'd come to the door to see what the fuss was about. "We have decided to play 'the happy family goes to the theater', and appear to be lacking a child. Might we steal your son away for the night? I promise we will return him."

Damien smiled. The smile was tired and wary, but it was a smile nonetheless. "All right," he said, looking from wizard to professor. "He should be safe with you."

"He'll be fine," Professor McGonagall reassured him. "Come along, Lup- I mean, Remus." Remus's eyes met Alphard's, and they both grinned.

The theater was spectacular. Remus had never been, and the show had him held breathless. But even more entertaining were Alphard and McGonagall. Alphard had decided they were now from a wealthy pureblooded wizarding family from Germany. He adopted a false accent, calling himself Franz, and Professor McGonagall became Helga. Remus was amused as they introduced him as their son Augustus.

It was beyond silly as they mingled with some of the purest bloods in the land. Surely some of them had to have recognized Alphard, if not Minerva. But aside from a few snotty glances, there was nothing but the pomposity of the upper class and the magic of the show. Remus sat watching with his arms folded on the wall of the balcony, eyes shining.

They went to the Leaky Cauldron after, sitting at a small table in the corner and discussing the show at great length as they ate dessert and drank. To Remus's vast amusement, Alphard bought him a pint of Guinness, insisting that he try it and claiming that he'd gotten Sirius drunk of firewhiskey when he was only twelve. It was the first mention of life outside their little pretend family and the fantasy of the theater.

Suddenly, Remus realized what this was all about. It was a night of make-believe, a night of pretend. A night where they could be who they should have been, and escape whatever they were running from. A night to be normal.

He didn't know what Professor McGonagall was hiding, or what secrets she kept or what she wanted to forget. He didn't want to know, and she didn't tell. It was enough, just for tonight, to be lost in this world of pretend.

"He's happy tonight, isn't he?" Remus had murmured to Minerva as Alphard had gone up to the bar to get drinks.

"We all are," she agreed wistfully, unlike the stern, rigid teacher he knew. He knew she would be that same professor again when he saw her next, and this was a night outside time, but he treasured it all the same.

Even his parents seemed more relaxed when Alphard and Minerva returned him home. His father hugged him tight and his mother smiled a real smile, and as he saw the crumpled lemon sherbet packets Remus supsected Dumbledore had been here. But he let his mother tuck him in and his father sit beside the bed, despite the fact he was almost sixteen.

Everyone needed a little fantasy, a little time to pretend they were normal. Remus's parents too.

* * * * *

Dear Alphard,

I'm not sure how to write this. I don't even want to write this. But I need to, because I've written to you about everything and especially about Sirius, and this is big. Sirius told someone else how to get into the Shrieking Shack. I nearly killed him, but James got him away, and then I guess I nearly killed myself.

He says he wasn't thinking. I believe that. I know he didn't mean it. I know it didn't mean anything. And that's what makes it so bad- it meant nothing.

It's been seven days since I came round, and every day it hurts more to not have him in my life. I'm mad at him. I hate him right now, but I still love him. I only have him and Peter and James here, and I don't know what to do. It's not fair.

I want to forgive him. I want it to all go away. I want it to have never happened, or for it to mean as little to me as it does to him. How do I do it? Can't you tell me? Please?

I can't get out of being a werewolf. I can't get out of being gay. Please tell me I can get out of losing my best friend.

Remus

*

Dear Remus,

I've always been grateful that we correspond by letter. Sometimes it is easier to write your thoughts down than to talk about them, even to a good friend. But today I am grateful for a different reason.

I can not express how sorry I am that you are going through this. You're right, it is not fair. It shouldn't have happened, and I can understand your sense of betrayal. You said you wanted something to make you believe that it can still work, and you can still be friends. Unfortunately Remus, I know exactly what to tell you, and that's why I am glad I have to write it in a letter, because you will not like it.

Yes, he does not understand what it is to be a werewolf. But the simple fact, dear Remus, is you do not understand what it is to be normal.

I know I am rubbing salt in your wounds. But you have spent your entire life as a werewolf. You are painfully aware of every aspect of it. Now you cope with the burden of your sexuality as well. Nothing is easy for you.

But I've lived on the other side. I spent all but the last six years of my life as normal. Even being homosexual is not as hard for me as it is for you. I know what it feels like to not even think about lycanthropy. You do not.

He doesn't understand. How can he? He's never had to live with it, and you've never let him see it. He's never seen the transformation. He's never seen the damage you can do. He sees an exciting and dangerous playmate and grafts your personality onto the wolf. He doesn't know how wrong he is because you never let him know.

I'm not saying he has the right to see it. But if you want him to understand, you have to tell him. You have to find your voice, and you have to let him know he's gone too far. You have to explain. You have to teach. You have the choice: you don't have to do this and you can walk away. But if you want Sirius to see what he's done, then you need to show him.

Until he met you, Sirius never knew or cared or thought about werewolves. And you never had to think about what it might be like to have parents that don't love you, that put their agenda above your welfare. You both learn each other gradually, and you both make mistakes.

If this is what you want, Remus, you will find a way to make it happen. I hope you do.

Love,
Alphard

*

Dear Remus,

I haven't heard from you, but I wanted to let you know I got a letter from Sirius. His hand must have been shaking when he wrote it, because I can barely read the words. But I gather you showed him.

I'm proud of you.

Alphard

*

Dear Alphard-

You're right. I showed him. I hated every second of it, but I showed him. He hated every second of it too. Good.

I feel terrible saying that now, actually. You were right, even though I wanted to hit you for saying it when I got your letter. I don't know what it is to be normal- not for real. Only a few vague memories and a few isolated nights.

The upside, I suppose, is that I no longer have a crush on Sirius. But I feel like we understand each other better, and you were right about standing up to him, too. God, I was so scared when I told him what I wanted, but he agreed. It's funny, I never realized how little I trust him and James and Peter not to turn tail and run. It's like I've asked them to put up with so much already that if I asked for anything more it would be too much. But I never hesitate when they want or need something. Faith's a funny thing, isn't it?

Anyway, Sirius says I should show James and Peter the whole thing too, and I will, next full moon. It still scares me, but maybe it will be okay.

Remus

*

Dear Alphard-

I haven't heard back from you yet, but I'm guessing you've heard and I wanted to see how you were doing: Sirius ran away from home tonight.

I just got back from James's place- that's where he went. My father, of course, completely flipped out that I was going to speak to Sirius after what he did a month ago, but tough. Some things are more important than others, and Dad can get over it on his own time. But Sirius looked terrible. He was white and shaking and he didn't even really look at any of us and... Alphard, he cried. I have never, ever- even last month- seen Sirius really cry. Yeah, a tear here or there, but not like this. He just put his head down on the table and cried for like a half hour.

He's not hurt at all- his dad didn't hit him this time. In fact, it sounds like the whole thing was very calm. But he said his mother blasted his name off the family tapestry. Apparently that's a huge deal? Peter and I didn't really know what he was talking about, but James sure did. But it sounded bad.

He's going to stay with the Potters for the holidays and the summer. It sounds awful, but I'm glad he left home. I wish... I don't know what I wish, except that he had the kind of family he should have. But I think he does.

I know it's over the pureblood versus Muggle stuff, and there's something else big too, but he wouldn't tell me what it was. Not that it's hard to guess- I'm sure his parents had something to say about last month. But please... don't tell him I wrote you when you write to him or see him or whatever. I shouldn't have even written, but I thought you should be forewarned.

Merry Christmas
Remus

*

Dear Remus-

I've just come from the Potter's house. Sirius is back to being Sirius, as if nothing is wrong- at least in front of the Potters. Of course, no one is fooled, but we all pretended to be.

I'm going to tell you now, so should anything unexpected happen you know and can help Sirius fight it: I rewrote my will after last Christmas to leave the lot to Sirius, instead of dividing it among all of my great-nieces and nephews. With Sirius disowned and myself a werewolf, I have doubts that if anything happens to me that will will be carried out. I don't know how much you'll be able to do, given our ever-tightening restrictions, but if you can keep this letter I would appreciate it.

When he's of age, I plan on giving him some help. Right now, he's best off at the Potters. For one, he can not legally stay with me. But more than that, the Potters can give him the stability he needs. A gay great-uncle who also happens to be a werewolf can not.

I don't agree with everything he believes, but I suppose you're the last person I should tell that to. Regardless, I do respect his opinions. Honestly though Remus, I'm confused and hurt.

I've lied and hid and sacrificed who I am all my life. I've never done it so I could remain in society; I've done it to stay a Black. To stay in this family. I can't understand how Sirius can turn his back and walk away so easily. But then I don't have to live with Arden- I just have to call him family. And I can't tell him, because I've hoped from that Christmas third year when I saw Arden strike him that Sirius would leave the house. It sounds strange to want two different things, but I do.

Hope your New Year is better than mine,
Alphard

*

Dear Alphard-

Well, we're back at school. Everyone survived the holidays, and it's good to be back. Sirius seems to be doing okay. He doesn't talk about it at all, at least not to me. I think he might to James though. I hope he does.

Can I ask you a question? It seems horribly inappropriate with everything else going on right now, but maybe it's the right thing to do since us talking about Sirius gets no one anywhere. I was kind of wondering about bottoming. I know, I know. From huge things like Sirius running away to something as stupid as my non-existent and never-will-be sex life, but I keep meaning to ask and there's never a good time. So I might as well take the worst time possible. Does it hurt to bottom? Not that I plan on doing it anytime soon. But I just wanted to know.

Remus

*

Dear Remus-

Okay, yes, that was a surprise, but I think you have a good point about getting on with life, because you're right that there's nothing we can do.

Yes. So. Bottoming, Mr. I'm-Never-Going-To-Have-Sex. I'm not much of a bottom myself, to be honest. Not because it's uncomfortable, but just because. Not all men are one or the other, but I do prefer to top. Nevertheless, any good top knows what's good for a bottom.

It will be uncomfortable for you until you get used to it. Hell, it will probably be downright painful. Go slow, go heavy on the lube, and if it's something you're sure you want to do, get a little bit drunk. Once you get it right, believe me, it's incredibly intense. Lay on your stomach the first time; it's much easier. And be absolutely sure you're comfortable with your partner.

I don't know why I worry about you as much as I do on that point. Yes, I do. Partly because I don't want to see you make a mistake you regret, and partly because I am worried you will. I know I've said this to you before, but Remus, don't rush into sex. And don't do it for acceptance, it's not worth it. Wait until you're ready for sure. Just be careful.

Love,
Alphard

* * * * *

Remus read Alphard's latest letter at the breakfast table, grinning at the vivid descriptions of Alphard's latest trip to Vietnam and trying not to blush at the frank sexual advice. He was eager for the end of the day; eager to write and tell Alphard about his classes, Sirius and James's latest adventure, and the interesting Slytherin prefect that had started sitting next to him much more frequently during Arithmancy. He had just folded the letter and put it away when a shadow fell over their table.

"Mr. Lupin. May I have a word?"

Remus glanced back at his friends, who shrugged. "Yes sir," he said, following the Headmaster from the Great Hall. Logic told him he wasn't in trouble; McGonagall would be marching James and Sirius out by their ears if that was the case. But instinct told him this couldn't be good, especially as Dumbledore led him into his office.

"A letter arrived for you today." Dumbledore said slowly after they were seated.

"My parents?" Remus asked anxiously.

"No. No my boy, they're fine." Dumbledore steepled his fingers and leaned back, watching Remus over them. "Alphard Black."

Remus's heart stopped. There were more secrets in those letters than the Headmaster would approve of, he was sure of that, even if he was a seventh year now and about to turn seventeen. "Sir, I can explain."

Dumbledore's eyebrows rose. "I do not find explanations necessary, Remus. At least, not pertaining to this matter." He smiled briefly, and then sighed heavily, picking up a sealed roll of parchment. "I have not read the letter Mr. Black has written to you, although it was suggested I do so. I have only read the letter accompanying it, from the Werewolf Registry Office."

He didn't need to open the letter to know the news. "Oh no."

Dumbledore handed him the letter. "Should you wish to go, I will take you there immediately, and you will be excused from your afternoon classes. Should you wish to decline, I will understand." He turned his head away to give Remus some measure of privacy.

Remus opened the parchment with shaking fingers. The words blurred before him as he read:

Dearest Remus,

I have killed. I have been captured. You know what that means. I am to be executed on October first at one o'clock in the afternoon.

It is not fair of me to ask you this, but I must. Come be with me as I die. Please. For once, there are things I cannot say in a letter.

Alphard Black

Remus looked up at Dumbledore. "How are we getting there?"

*

The Death Chamber was in the Department of Mysteries, which made Remus wonder if Sirius's father knew what was happening today. The chamber was a hollow, cold room that made him shiver. He hated the room already- hated the bleak gray stone, the bleachers for people to watch executions, the dais, the archway with the ragged veil, the men standing around it.

He recognized a few faces. Two wizards from the Capture Unit were familiar. Bartimus Crouch, his face set with righteous indignation would be the highest-ranking official to witness this death. Andrew Diggory and Alvin McNair standing side by side, McNair looking satisfied and Diggory trying to hide sadness. A vaguely familiar face from the Committee for the Disposal of Magical Creatures. Remus closed his eyes.

On the bleachers sat a crying woman, huddled in her cloak. Dumbledore sat down to comfort her, and Remus wondered who she had lost. Was it her husband? Her child? Her parents? He wanted to hug her, comfort her, until he remembered he was the same as the man who'd done this to her. And the man who'd done this was the who he was here to comfort.

"Bring in the condemned," Crouch ordered.

Silver shackles binding the wrists. That was the first thing he noticed, and somewhere, deep in his mind, Remus snorted at the waste. Silver didn't burn like the Muggle legends said, and the silver in those shackles would have been better spent searching for a cure. How insane. And how stupid and terrible and awful that anyone should be wearing them. Then he met the gray eyes of Alphard Black and he couldn't be angry.

"You came," Alphard whispered as Remus approached. He fumbled for Remus's hand.

Remus nodded.

The things that couldn't be said in a letter couldn't be said in person, either. They both knew it. They couldn't look away from each other, and Remus's hand tightened over Alphard's.

"Let's go, Black," one of the Capture Unit wizards ordered, prodding Alphard with his wand. Remus did not release his hand, but walked with him.

Every step to the death arch would be forever engraved on his mind. The sound of footfalls and the rattle of chains, the crying of the woman and the harsh breathing of the condemned. The chill in the air, in the faces, in his bones, in his heart. Alphard's hand in his, warm and clinging to him like a terrified child clings to his father. And the painful, angry, twisting knowledge that but for James Potter, they could very well be making this same walk with Remus wearing the silver shackles.

They stopped at the archway, and the officials turned away giving them one last moment.

"I never thought it would end like this," Remus whispered.

"I always knew it would."

There was nothing more to say.

Alphard released Remus's hand, and with a gentle touch and tender fingers hooked his chin and tilted Remus's face to his. And standing in front of the archway, Remus Lupin had his first kiss and Alphard Black had his last.

Remus had always assumed that kisses were sexual things. But standing here in this moment, his mentor's lips against his and tears on their cheeks, he knew he'd never make that mistake again. And when Alphard pulled away, Remus knew everything Alphard had wanted him to know.

"Take care of Sirius," Alphard whispered, his forehead still against Remus's.

"I will."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

The executioner stepped forward. Alphard backed away and drew himself up to his full height, with all the arrogance and pride he'd inherited with his name. And before the executioner could push him, Alphard stepped through the veil to his death.